


Tits and Dick

by Rnd_Injustice



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Swearing, a lot of swearing, not smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-01-27 21:45:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 87,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12591200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rnd_Injustice/pseuds/Rnd_Injustice
Summary: You're an angry introverted girl gamer, living in a crappy apartment in a city overrun by monsters. Your neighbours are jerks, your workmates are jerks and life can generally go suck it. So why does talking to an online jerk make you feel just a bit better?





	1. Monster Sexuals need to get laid

Normally, I wouldn’t have gotten involved.

“What are you, a demon fucker?”

After all, dickheads like this ass-wipe exist everywhere on the internet,-

“Gonna pwn all of the inhuman freaks and their sluts!”

-especially on Call of Duty….but he just wouldn’t shut up about monsters!

“Am I surrounded by devil advocates?”

It’s obvious that he had some issues, possibly jealous,-

“Come on guys! Don’t let the monster fuckers fuck us!”

-and, to be honest, it’s fun to piss off someone you will never give a rat's arse about.

“Drive the demons back to hell guys!”

So I started to play The Game with the in-closet monster sexual.

“Hey! Wanna shut up, you closet monster sexual?”

The dickhead actually responded, “Holy tits, an actual demon slut! You like taking it both ways at once by one freak? Because no human will touch your skanky body?”

“Is that your micropenis I hear jerking off to that wet fantasy of yours?”

The man-child scoffed at that.

“Heh, you better be hot, cause that’s the only way a human man would ever fuck you, you animal fucker.”

“Aww, don’t worry, I’m sure that there’s a monster out there somewhere that’ll give you a pity fuck.”

“Fuck you! I ain’t no dirty monster fucker, you tentacle whore!”

I smiled at that, he just done fucked up. The object of The Game was to make the other person defend themselves against your comments. The moment they did, their comments devolved into ‘Shut up!’s.

“Better than being a closet monster sexual who loves getting fucked by his own dog to stimulate his closet fantasies.”

And now, I play the waiting game.

“Better keep your filthy lying whore mouth shut before I put you down, you magic cum bucket!”

“Really? Cause, by the looks of it, you’d probably miss me a blank point range, or is that just when you’re on your knees, taking magical cum shots in the eye?”

“FUCK YOU!! I’ll kill your whole family, you…. YOU FREAK FUCKER!”

You could practically taste the upcoming Rage Quit. Time to end this shit-stain.

“Bet your dad takes it at the same time up his dick and arsehole by a monster’s pity fuck. Like father, like son I guess.”

“NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY DAD LIKE THAT, YOU MONSTER SLUT!!”

And he left the game, both this match and The Game he just lost. Score infinite for people who didn’t talk with their arses instead of their heads.

The match ended soon after that (not that I did all too well…way better than the monster sexual though), and I moved to a new game. While I thought about that shit-stain’s Rage Quit and chuckled throughout the day, I didn’t notice that I received a friend request until the end. Someone by the name of BigRed. Pft, whatever, I’ll deal with that tomorrow. Not like its life-changing or anything.

 

 Next chapter is called: GiantDick wants to be friends


	2. GiantDick wants to be friends

I re-read the friend request the following day, the time stamp putting this guy somewhere in the same time period I was forcing a monster sexual come to terms with his demons. Friend Request by total strangers wasn’t new. It wouldn’t be the first time that someone heard my voice and wanted to be my ‘friend’, just because I was a girl. It was always fun to accept matches from these Romeos and kick their disbelieving arses. Seriously though, girl gamers weren’t new or rare, so why did a few guys treat me like I was a unicorn or some shit?

So, with what hindsight would reveal to be the first out of many future bad decisions, I accepted the friend request. Pretty soon, I was invited to another game of Call of Duty. I chuckled when I saw BigRed’s logo; a red skull with flames and a black backdrop. Looks like someone was going through a phase.

“hey there babe, you’re quite eager to lose, ain'tcha?”

Holy hell! Did this guy smoke 20 packs a day or just eat them? And here I thought I’d have to be dealing with a pre-teen. Turns out it’s a pre-teen with a voice from ZZ Top, WTF?

“Shit talking already? That’s a sign of an early defeat.”

He chuckled at that, and man, was that chuckle DEEP. I flashed back to Garrus from Mass Effect (if Garrus had an accent), my cheeks turning red as I remembered all the fanfiction I couldn’t stop myself reading. I instantly took an oath right then and there to never mention his voice, to never acknowledge it in any way. Mustn't give this guy any ammo to use against me.

“Will you two lovebirds take it elsewhere?” said some rando.

"Yea, save the hate fuck for the match." said another rando.

Speaking of, the match soon started, and he proceeded to snipe me in record time. Flabbergasted, I stared blankly at the kill cam, watching this guy make a beeline for me.

“believe that’s one-nothin babe.”

_'How the Fuck?'_

I barely spawned back in when I was suddenly snipped again, accompanied by aggravating deep chuckle.

“hun, look at that? two to nothin."

When I spawned back in, I didn’t stand there like an idiot. Instead, I dove behind a nearby wall.

“You cheater! You can’t count spawn kills.”

Suddenly, I was rushed from the other side of the wall, a quick stab earning him an easy kill.

“can I count that sweet tits?”

Okay, now I'm pissed. Upon spawn back in, I began to hunt this fucker down, determined to get the next kill. Upon seeing him trying to be stealthy and sneaking around corners, I gleefully stabbed him, earning some well-deserved payback and one kill count.

“Hey Giant Dick. Is that just a name or is that envy speaking?”

Ha, a bad spawn and the right scope equipped, and bam!, there was another kill.

"giant dick?"

I scoffed, "You do realise that you’ve called yourself Giant Dick, right?"

"now who's envious?"

I stuttered, "What's that suppose to mean?"

"just sounds like someone's making up for the fact they just don't have cojones."

I saw his character about to enter the building I was standing on the roof of. A quick shortcut down, a quicker stab and I earned me a sweet kill.

"Cojones? What are you, five?"

Suddenly, some rando started to play Can you feel the love tonight, from Lion King. Everyone else in the chat started "oooooh"-ing.

"Hey jerks! I don't know what type of fucked up relationships you have, but this isn't romantic!"

BigRed chuckled at that.

"What the hell are you laughing at?"

My charter suddenly dropped dead, the kill cam showing BigRed once again snipping me.

"just laughin at how badly you suck right now, but I guess that's kind of your thing, right?"

"Ooooooooh!", went everyone else in the chatroom.

"You got lucky, no more screwing around."

"i've been lucky all day then. speakin of screwin, am I gonna get lucky tonight sweet-tits?"

"Sure, just check in with your right hand Dick, she'll never say no to you."

We both round the corner at the same time. Luckily, I had the knife equipped. Add another count to my kill score.

"Ooooooooooooh!", "Aww snap!"

Dick laughed, "you sure are feisty for a pair of tits."

"Sure am, just check your own, man-boobs."

Dick snickered, "you have no idea tits."

I spotted him setting up a mine. A well placed shot and his character literally scattered, earning me another kill.

"Speaking of no clue, we're even now Dickhead. I'll even let you count your cheap kills."

"You're mum's cheap." some rando said, causing the others to snicker.

I rolled my eyes, "Really? You're going to say that and think you're clever? There was so much you could have done with that-"

"like 'that was a cheap-shot'.'"

"Or 'I know counting is hard for you.'"

"or 'you're pretty clueless, ain't chya'."

"But you had to go for the low hanging fruit. Aren't you special."

"speaking of special-"

My character exploded in a fireball, the kill cam showing a mine I clearly should have seen but didn't.

"i left a little something for ya."

"How the fuck?-"

"and i believe that's match to me."

I looked at the counter in horror, watching the final seconds countdown. The match ended with BigRed betting me by a single kill. I stared in disbelief as the other randos quickly logged out of the chat room.

"hey, if you ever feel like losin again, give me an invite, eh sweet tits?"

Then he was gone, leaving me simmering in humiliation and anger.

I yelled into an empty chatroom and empty apartment, "Oh, I'll get my revenge you fucking dickhead! You better believe that this isn't over! Not by a long shot!"

And that’s the story of how Dick met Tits.

 

Next chapter is called: Bio-polar, (not) your life


	3. Bio-polar, (not) your life

There’s one thing I need to clarify; I do not have anger issues, nor do I hide my emotions. Matt can say all the shit he wants, but I know what’s true.

For example, if you happen to see me in the streets, odds are, I’d strike you as a shy person. This is because I am. I keep to myself, head down with earphones in my ears, sometimes a book. Now, I know that when I’m online, that changes. In fact, you’re probably having a hard time connecting the image of a shy quiet girl to a foul-mouthed, rage-kicking-furniture maniac who has actually frothed at the mouth (long story, involves Dark Souls, enough said). But for me, the key difference is that what I do in public and what I do online are two, very different environments.

Put simply, people don’t piss me off in reality. Really. Like, not at all. So what if my tall skeleton neighbour glared at me that one time when I had dared to hold the door open for him? Fuck him and his issues, moving on. Anger takes investment. Flashes of annoyance happen to everyone; they’re brief and short-lived. Plus, there are real consequences for letting jerks know that they’re jerks. Society wasn’t polite, to begin with (and when the monsters came to the surface, they weren’t much politer), but it did revolve around a few rules, like ‘Put up or shut up’. If you didn’t want to deal with people’s shit and had a real issue with it, you had to make an actual effort. If you didn’t care or couldn’t be asked, you kept your mouth shut. So, sure, I would have liked to tell my neighbour ‘Hey jerk! The least you can do is smile and nod when I hold the door open for you!’, but then I would have to deal with his attitude and focused attention. None of which was worth the effort or being yelled at.

Now a video game, particularly one that you had personally invested time and energy into, giving you grief what an entirely different thing altogether. Games didn’t stop working because you insulted its mother, they didn’t care that you flipped the table again, and they certainly didn’t retaliate (unless karma counted) when the red hatred mist descended over your vision and you blanked out for a few seconds, only to come back to a room that looked half destroyed.

My neighbour certainly got a kick out of my screaming fits (if the chuckling was any indicator). Not that I could always hear him, what with him playing his music obnoxiously loud and his own yelling with someone I never saw. I’m guessing a parent or sibling kept calling, cause I had yet to see anyone else enter or leave that apartment that wasn’t a tall, brooding skeleton. His whole deal just screamed ‘ask me about my day and I’ll rip your throat out’.

Not that Skeletor was my only monster neighbour in this apartment building. There was another shorter skeleton, but I didn’t know where he lived. I’d only ever seen him a total of three or four times, always in the laundry room. Maybe he liked washing things here, which I kind of doubted considering he was always in a foul mood whenever I saw him. There was a slime creature, who I thought might be the nicest monster I ever met (hard to tell if the blurbs and squelches were swear words or not). It bubbled and popped at me when I held the door open for it ('cause apparently I hadn’t learned my lesson after Skeletor'), which I took to mean thank you anyway. There were a few other monsters and fewer humans, but for the most part, we all kept out of each other's way. One big, indifferent family.

This particular building was re-furbished to help bridge the gap between the species. When monsters first appeared, things were tense ('putting it fucking lightly'). Two things had ultimately forced the government to work with the monsters; they had gold and advanced technology that ran on magic. Either both of these things were used against them or they became allies. So, while the government had forced the nearby city and towns of Mt Ebott to play nice, the residence felt resentment when monsters were allowed to live near them. A great many left, leaving places like this open and cheap for people like me who thought ‘fuck it, why not?’.

That had been seven months ago, and life was ok. Work was boring, but that was to be expected at the tax services I worked at. Not what I wanted to end up doing, but I wasn’t going back to university any time soon. Now, I spent days at work, evenings playing video games and weekends playing more video games. I knew that I should be lonely, after all, it has been a whole year since I’ve talked socially with another person, face-to-face, but I wasn’t. People always made life more chaotic and difficult. I was content, and that was better than what most people had.

 

Next chapter is called: Fuck You! I do not have anger issues!


	4. Fuck You! I do not have anger issues!

For the past month, I kept coming back to BigRed (aka-Dick). What started as a rematch invite ended with my victory. The next day I got another invite for another rematch and lost that. Then I challenged him to a rematch and so on and so forth. We were actually pretty evenly matched (although I'd never admit that to the egomaniac). Soon we were playing different competition games, as we sussed out each other's weaknesses and strengths. Eventually, and I don't recall who said what, we figured we'd try to actually play on the same team, play a cooperative game for once.

Hence here I sat, loading up the classic game, Left 4 Dead 2, for the first time with Dick.

"so the premise is to kill zombies and make it to the safe zones?"

"As a team, yes."

Dick laughed, "cause i'm sure i can depend on you."

"Better believe it meat shield, cause nobody can simply run through this and expect to live." I sighed, "It's called 'teamwork' dickhead, and you better not screw me on this."

"calm your tits, sweet-tits. i've seen you play when you get angry and you suck even more than usual when you do."

"Can it, Shit-stain. The game keeps a tally of how much you suck. So boast while you can, the numbers won't lie."

"we gonna make this interestin then?"

"Us playing on the same team is interesting, Dick."

"yea yea, i mean competitively tits."

I laughed, "You want to make a bet over a game you've never played before?"

"come on, we both know that i'm the better gamer when it comes to shooters."

"What the fuck, since when dickhead? Is your ass jealous of all the shit that comes out your mouth?"

"there's never been a finer ass than mine tits. hard as diamonds here."

"That's code for 'flabby as fuck'."

He laughed, "just listen for a second. how about the loser can't say anythin aggressive, they have to keep it clean and pleasant for each level."

"What, like forever?"

"pfft, fuck that. just until the end of the campaign."

"So, when you lose this level, you have to be nice and don't swear?"

"tell you what, let's start the game with neither of us swearin and see what happens."

"And what happens if someone swears?"

"just another thing i'm better than you at tits."

"Okay fu-trucker, let's get started. The person who kills the most zombies wins!"

"ha! too easy."

I hope he meant the game and not how easily I was just manipulated just then. Either way, I had nothing to fear; this was a game he had never played. I had this in the bag. Not swearing was going to be a challenge, but I'd be damned if he bet me at anything.

The game loaded and we each were assigned random characters. One thing I liked about Dick was the non-deal he made about character avatars. Anyone else would have bitched being assigned Rochelle or made a big deal that the girl was assigned Coach.

"Okay, so you grab stuff here, make sure you're prepared and-."

"are you going to tell me how to play tits?"

"Fine jerk, grab the axe like a dumb…person."

He laughed, "best bet ever."

"Shut the fuc-...up yours!”

Yep, he definitely laughed harder at that. That is, until he saw the other team members.

"are you serious, we have to play with two bots? god, it's goin to be like play with three of you."

"Hey, I'm trusting them a hell lot more than you, Mister I-Don’t-Need-No-Help-With-This-Game-I've-Never-Played-Before.”

“it’s called natural skill and talent tits.”

“It’s called being a pompous cun-jerk.” _‘God, this was hard.’_

We walked down the stairway, entering the first floor. Dick had decided an axe was a smart idea, rushing into the rooms without us behind him.

“You know you’re going to die if you keep rushing ahead, right?”

Dick scoffed, “this is too easy. where’s the challenge?”

Right on cue, a Hunter jumped him.

“what the hell?!”

I waited a few seconds, making sure my point was made BEFORE I rushed in and saved the idiot.

“Oh, there are also special zombies who do special things like that. So, you know, watch out for that.”

“information like that would have been really helpful a few minutes ago.”

I gasped, “But Dick, I thought you didn’t need my help.” I hammed it up, “Oh, what could a poor, not-good-at-video-games girl such as myself offer such a juggernaut expect like yourself?”

“some teamwork there tits.”

“He says without an apology.”

“okay fine, i’m sorry that you feel like i owe you an apology.” I could hear the eyes rolling.

“And I'm sorry that I didn’t tell you about that smoker.”

“what’s a smoker?”

The Smoker grabbed his character, dragging him away by the neck and towards a group of zombies.

“That’s a Smoker.”

“get it the fuck off me!”

“Score one to me for the swear bet, and I still didn’t hear an apology.”

“fuckin' hell, okay, i’m sorry. now get this thing off me!”

“Score two.”

After saving the dumbass yet again, and clearing the room out as a team, we waited for him to patch himself up while I explained what I WOULD have said if SOMEONE hadn’t interrupted me.

“See, there are special zombies that do different things and hordes of zombies that can be alerted. Each level has specific objectives and we need everyone to work as a team to get them done.”

“and how well do you know the levels?”

“Well enough that I can tell you what special zombies are close and what they do.”

“that’s useful.”

“Yes, it is. If only SOMEONE had listened, then SOMEONE wouldn’t be wasting a med-pack and-.“

“okay! i fuckin'get it.”

“Score three.”

His character took a swing at mine, causing me to lose a bit of life.

“Hey!”

“you deserved that. don’t even pretend that you don’t.”

I smiled, “Point taken.”

His character switched to a gun, “what’s the point of an axe then?”

“They’re pretty good at close range. You know, thinning a zombie horde? Not so good with the specials though.”

“oh.”

He switched back to the axe.

“What are you doing?”

“if this is a competition to see who can kill the most zombies, then i was right in the first place. you warn me about any specials and i’ll kill the most zombies, winning our bet.”

“You know that plan has a really high chance of you dying, right?”

“ehh”

“Okay then, just as long as we’re both on the same page.”

We continued through the apartments, taking out the Charger, Boomer and lots of random zombies. He found the chainsaw, laughing something about ‘humans and their proclivity towards gratuitous gore’ as we rode the elevator down.

“You’re the one wielding the chainsaw buddy.”

“yea yea.”

The elevator opened and a zombie horde was alerted. Dick immediately ran forward, mowing down zombies left and right. I stayed back, like a smart person, taking out the zombies that got too close to our group and the ones Dick missed.

“hey, this is actually fun.”

“What, mowing down zombies?”

“that’s a plus, but i meant working as a team.”

I laughed, “You serious?”

“yep, why, you’re not havin fun?”

I was, but admitting that felt like admitting a fault, so I laughed again, “I always have fun beating you in a new game.”

“yea, you’re havin fun.”

“Am not!” I said without thinking.

He laughed heartily, even as I took shots at his character.

“after you’ve had your little tantrum, maybe you can answer a few questions?”

“Such as?”

“well, how many levels does this game have, will we get it done today?”

I chuckled, “I'm good, but with you slowing me down, there’s no way we can get this done today.”

“okay mrs insecurity, how about we finish this game tomorrow then?”

I suddenly remembered what the date was and what that meant for my afternoon tomorrow Saturday.

"I actually won't be able to play tomorrow, I'm going out.”

Dick gasped (sarcastically)"that's a shock; you're actually gonna leave the house?"

"F you, I leave the house all the time for work and you know it.”

"yea, but this time it's by choice. as in you're actually choosing to leave. willingly. i figured you were just a society shut-out with no physical interactions with other people."

I thought about letting him know that it wasn't entirely by choice as it was so much a truce between me and Matt, but there was no way he wouldn't laugh me for that, so I skipped it.

"I'll have you know that I'm actually meeting up someone."

It wasn't a lie, Matt counted as someone.

"and how much rope did you use to keep them there?"

"Fuck you!"

"score one to me. but seriously, i'm honestly shocked. who knew you had enough people skills to actually maintain a conversation with a person long enough to arrange a date.”

“Up your's jerk. bet your social skills aren’t much better in person.”

“better than your sweet-tits.”

“Our swearing tally disagrees with that assumption.”

He laughed, “yea yea, a few specials caught me by surprise and i swore in the moment. i guarantee by the end of the game, i’ll win more rounds and you won’t be able to help yourself.”

“You’re pretty confident for the assssuming guy who’s never played this game.”

“ha! see, right there is what i’m talking about.” His character turned to mine, swinging the axe at a distance, “we’ll see who’s killed the most zombies by the end of this round, won't we?”

~*~

The smug bastard beat me by 7 kills, winning the first round. Suffice to say, I swore during the next level, much to his amusement and my frustration. The worst part was, when I won a round and he had to be nice and not swear, he had no problem. Too bad I couldn't honestly say that about myself.

 

 Next chapter is called: Google, can swallowing glass kill you?


	5. Google, can swallowing glass kill you?

"Tomato soup, tomato soup."

Why did they have to put things in such weird places in the grocery store? Wouldn't it be better if it was clumped by the meals I knew how to cook, with all the ingredients conveniently close to each other?

I always hated shopping. If it wasn’t the walking to and from the place, dragging heavy groceries, it was the concentrated population of assholes who seemed to congregate here. The jerks who pushed their way past me, the old fucks who stood smack dab in the middle of the aisle forever, the brain-dead teenager employees that always made comments about my food.

“Oh, I see you’re planning a meal with 2-minute noodles again. How nice.” _‘Pimplerly jerk.’_

“YOU SHOP HERE? KNEW THIS PLACE WAS SCUM.”

The low pitch, high volume growl spouting insulting comments could only belong to one individual, who must surely be the product of someone falling in love with their own reflection and fucking it. And it was coming from right behind me.

Slowly, I turn to stare at the king of assholes; Skeletor the jerky neighbour.

He sneered at me, the effect quite a sight to see, considering that he had no lips to curl or nose to flare. He leaned over me and looked into my trolley, picking up and dropping every item with a comment.

“PATHETIC! LOOK AT ALL THIS JUNK! CHOCOLATE, CHIPS, SOFT-DRINK! ONLY A FAT DISGUSTING SLOB WOULD PUT THIS CRAP INTO THEIR BODY! AND LOOK AT THESE CHEEP HYGIENE PRODUCTS! NO SELF RESPECT WHAT SO EVER (BUT WHAT CAN I EXPECT FROM A PERSON WHO WEARS THAT IN PUBLIC?) AT LEAST YOU HAVE SOME PRODUCE AND…WHAT, IS THIS, THE MAKINGS FOR LASAGNE?”

He was holding up my lasagne sheets, looking between them and me like he couldn’t believe his eyes. Cautiously, I answered “Yes?”

_‘Why should he care what it’s for?’_

He held the sheets up for a second longer, before he scoffed, dropping them back into my trolley (and breaking them, I’m sure), “ONLY A CRETIN WOULD USE THIS STORE-BROUGHT RUBBISH. AN EXPERT CHEF, LIKE MYSELF, WOULD NEVER BE CAUGHT DEAD USING THIS CRAP! WHY INSULT THE CULINARY PERFECT THAT IS LASAGNE WITH YOUR DISGUSTING INEDIBLE ATTEMPTS AT COOKING IT?” He stood back, posing, “CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT YOU GET TO BASK IN THE PRESENCE OF A LASAGNE EXPERT. GO ON THEN, BASK AWAY.”

I picked up the lasagne sheets, confirming that they were broken.

“Yea, I’m sure you’re okay.”, I said, with no real thought or care about what I was saying.

“WHAT?!”

Before I realised his tone was a very pissed off one, he had me by the scruff of my shirt, lifting me high off the ground. Panicked, I stared into his narrowed eyes, hands desperately holding onto his grip on me.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?!”

_‘What did I say?! All I said was-OH SHITE!’_

“I said you’re brilliant!”

“NO, THAT IS WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID. WHAT YOU ACTUALLY SAID WAS “I’M SURE YOU’RE OKAY”!"

He brought me inches from his face, “YOU DARE QUESTION THE CULINARY PERFECTION THAT IS MY LASAGNE DISH?!”

He dropped me, causing me to fall on my arse on the aisle's floor. Looking up, all I saw was his looming face as he bent to glare down at me.

“I’LL SHOW YOU THE HEIGHT OF COOKING PROWESS! YOU-“ he pointed a sharp glove finger at my face, “WILL COME OVER TONIGHT AT 7:30, SHARP. YOU WILL BRING OVER YOUR CONGLOMERATION OF A LASAGNE OVER AND I WILL LAUGH AT YOUR WOEFUL ATTEMPTS AT COOKING. THEN YOU WILL TASTE THE DISTILLED PERFECTION THAT IS MY LASAGNE AND YOU WILL WEEP THAT YOU HAVE TASTED PERFECTION BUT ONCE, AND NEVER AGAIN.”

He stood tall, looking down at me in contempt, “DO NOT DARE TO BE LATE… OR YOU WILL REGRET EVERY SECOND YOU MADE ME WAIT. DO I MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR?”

“Y-yes?”

He nodded with a satisfied smile and left.

_‘What the fuck just happened?!’_

~*~

Going home after that… fuck shopping and leaving the house. Shit like this always happened… okay, it was never this bad, but there was always drama.

“And now I have to cook a meal for king asshole.”

Marching into the apartment complex, I thought about the mess I was in and how to get out of it. Moving wasn't really an option, no matter how long I spent googling new places to live. I toyed with the idea of moving in with Matt, but quickly shot that idea down, even as a temporary solution. There was always turning off my lights and pretending I wasn’t home or even going out for the evening, but the asshole lived right next to me. If I could hear his door slamming open and shut every time he left, he could hear me. Then I would get the pleasure of dealing with him outside my door, for the whole building to hear.

No, no matter how I looked at it, I was fucked.

Resigned to the fact that I was about to spend tonight with a guy so in love with himself he probably wouldn’t notice if I left as long as I replaced myself with a mirror, I pulled out and prepared my lasagne. I like lasagne just fine, but after today… fuck lasagne.

I’m not a great cook, but I knew my way around the kitchen. Sometimes I liked to cook, with my tunes playing in my ears while I jammed out to some wicked songs. But today was not about enjoyment. No, tonight was about signing my death warrant. If it was better than his, I’d never hear the end of it, and if it was worse than his, that I’d NEVER hear the end of it.

Sighing, I put my misery into the oven to cook. With a hopeful look towards my computer, I placed myself before it, grateful for the distraction. Dick wasn’t online, which was probably a good thing. He would have laughed at my misery, even if he indirectly helped distract me from it.

~*~

Before long, the lasagne was cooked and cooling, wrapped in alfoil to keep it warm and ready to go. I had time, so I figured I should get showered and put on my ‘I hate you, but I’ll pretend that I don’t’ clothes.

After I was ready, I marched my sorry self over, standing before my neighbour’s door and about to knock on it for the first time. In fact, I was watching my clock intently, counting down the seconds. The asshole said to be on time, so I was going to do exactly that!

_‘And...there it was, right on the dot.’_

With a knock, I stood back and the door immediately swung open…almost like he had been on the other side of it, just waiting for me.

“HUMAN, I SEE YOU AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF PUNCTUALITY.”

He stood aside and I got my first glance at his apartment as I entered.

I looked around the room, wondering where the hell I was supposed to put my dish that wouldn’t insult his highness. Everything was neat, to a fault and fairly devoid of personal items. Everything was placed with precision, creating symmetry perfection and flow. And it was clean. Not just in appearance, but in the smell too, a heavy scent of disinfection hung in the air. It was also bigger than my apartment, but I already knew that. This place was designed to be a two-bedroom apartment, compared to my bachelorette pad.

“AH, I SEE YOU ARE MARVELLING AT HOW THE BETTER HALF LIVE.” He posed with a hand to his chest, “SO TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU THINK?”

“It’s very nice” I said, trying to placate him.

It didn’t work.

“NICE IS FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE, WITH SIMPLE GRASP OF LANGUAGE.” He gestured around the room with both arms, “MY HOME IS DISTINGUISHED, REFINED AND DISCERNING. STUPENDOUS AND MARVELLOUS” He turned to look at me, “IT IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.”

No matter what I say to this egomaniac, it always got me in more trouble. So I’m not saying anything while I’m here, just smile and nod, which I proceeded to do. But this dish was really heavy and my arms were already sore after I was standing outside counting down the time.

So I asked, “Where do I put…?”

“YOU MAY PUT YOUR DISGUSTING DISH ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE… IF YOU MUST.” He said with a dismissive wave of his arm in the general direction of said table.

With a polite nod, I moved to place the dish on the table, grateful to be able to feel my arms again.

_‘Ok, remember your training. Just smile and kiss his ass, and the sooner you can get to the part where you flip off his retreating back. Just like work.’_

I turned to face Skeletor, my default fake smile in place, “Thank you for inviting me over tonight.”

He stared at me for a really long time, and I was sure that I might actually be the first person to say something pleasant to the asshole, hence his disbelieving stare.

I coughed, jarring him out of whatever trance he had been in.

“AH YES! OF COURSE YOU ARE GRATEFULLY FOR THE INVITATION INTO THE TERRIBLE PAPYRUS’S ABODE!” He threw his head back, laughing “NYAH HAH HAH!” He brightened suddenly, which had the opposite effect on my mood, “LET ME GIVE YOU THE GRAND TOUR!”

I merely nodded and smiled, internally rolling my eyes, _‘Fuck me, I’m in for a long night!’_

~*~

After what had to be fucking hours, I finally sat back at the dining room table, two empty plates before me, with two more plates already served with a slice of my lasagne.  King Words-can’t-describe-how-up-his-own-non-existent-ass-he-is was in the kitchen, fetching his ‘distilled perfection’.

The ‘Ass-Kiss’ Tour had only ended after my stomach had growled, which it hadn’t bothered to do until after he had shown me the insides of his closet. In fact, Skeletor (Papyrus was too nice of a name for such an asshole) had just about shown me every room and every cardboard but one room and there was no way in hell I was asking why! Odds were, he forgot about or it was filled with all the humility and empathy he clearly wasn’t displaying. All I knew was that it wasn’t his bedroom, which had taken a full hour to show!

“PREPARE YOUR STOMACH FOR THE MOST PERFECT LASAGNE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED HUMAN!” He called from the kitchen

_‘I’ve been prepared for hours, you massive-‘_

Smiling, I replied “I’m ready.”

He came out, all grins, a smoking dish carried between his gloves.

The first thing I noticed was the black smoke drifting of its surface, like it would always do that, no matter how long it took to cool. Next, I noted the colour; black. As in pitch black. In fact, it might have even been that Vantablack I saw online.

Then the smell hit me.

I live in an apartment complex, and the one thing that everyone knows about living in an apartment complex is that it, during the hour's people were having dinner and with all the different types of food cooking, produced the single most unappealing food smell possible. Well, the ‘lasagne’ was making that smell in a room with no other smells, and this apartment was cleaner than clean!

“Err.”

“I SEE THAT YOU ARE SPEECHLESS HUMAN! BUT OF COURSE YOU ARE!”

He placed the ‘lasagne’ before me and it was all I could do to stay sitting there like an idiot, when any sane person would have fled the apartment.

He stood back, the biggest grin I had ever seen on a face (although he had no lips, so maybe it wasn’t that impressive), his hands held in eager anticipation.

“SO HUMAN, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.”

I looked to the ‘lasagne’ (that was still smoking), trying to think of what I could say that wasn’t a vomiting sound. I would say ‘kill it with fire’, but I doubted that would make any sort of impact.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire life.” I answered, honestly.

He beamed, posing again, “BUT OF COURSE HUMAN! NO ONE BUT MYSELF COULD CREATE SUCH A CULINARY PICTURE OF PERFECTION.” He stopped posing, looking down lovingly at his ‘lasagne’, “AH, BUT YOU HAVE YET TO TASTE IT.”

_‘Wait, what? I HAVE TO EAT IT?! No fucking way in hell!!’_

Just then he brought out a knife from behind his back, which I’m sure he would have used to threaten me is my answer was anything but agreeable and pleasant. With that knife, he lent over me and attempted to cut out a slice. The key word was ‘attempted’, as the knife barely penetrated the diamond-hard crust it had been burnt too. With force, he pushed the knife through the ‘lasagne’, which, and I swear this is true, actually fought back. I don’t mean with resistance, I mean actually fought back with its own force.

Eventually, he managed to cut two slices, using a spatula to lift and drop the first slice on my empty plate. A rock would have made a softer noise. A rock would have also held its shape and not ooze, which creeped me the hell out. How can something this hard to cut not be cooked solid?!

With his own plate served, Skeletor sat next to me, ignoring his own plate to stare at my every expression, which I’m sure, must have been frozen in dismayed horror.

“WELL, GO ON THEN! DIG IN!”

Looking between the knife and the dish, I realised I made a mistake; a knife would have been a cleaner, more painless death. Sighing, I slowly lifted my fork, seriously considering jamming it into my own hand. Maybe if I did that, he’d think I was crazy and leave me alone? Knowing my luck, he’d probably make me meals till my hand was better, which it never would be as I would continually be jamming utensils into my arm.

_‘Maybe if I taste it, I can narrow an ingredient that isn’t in mine and claim I’m allergic to it?’_

It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was all I fucking had!

Resigned, I jammed my fork into the ‘lasagne’, noting that is wasn’t cooked to a crisp, it was just that dense. It took forever to get the smallest mouthful I thought I could get away with, particularly as he was watching me with laser focus.

Thinking about it wasn’t making it an easier to eat it, so I rammed the fork in, dumping the ‘lasagne’ on my tongue.

Vinegar, and a lot of it, soured every flavour. And salt, a fuck ton of salt, absorbed every drop of moister in my mouth, further exposing me to the horror. That horror may not have any name in the English language, but it did have elements that could be described with it. The meat was either rancid or marinated in lard; grease and oil permeated my entire mouth. The cheese was feted, not unlike drinking warm expired milk that had developed a skin layer. Tomatoes normally have a sweet taste, which only had been heightened to a burnt, caramel taste which went horridly with the cheese. Impressively, in a life scaring way, each pasta sheet layer was burnt, creating the illusion of licking the bark off a burnt tree, both in flavour and texture.

When I vomited from eating this, it would taste better than it did right now. No fucking doubt.

I refused to chew, refused to swallow this thing that made actual poison look like a better dining alternative. That is, until I looked up to see Skeletor staring at me, daring me to make this worse for myself by not eating this. He already had his own mouth full he was chewing, and I immediately saw my mistake; he’s a skeleton monster. Who the fuck knew if he could taste this?! What if he needed the flavour to be so bad and so strong, just so that he could taste it?

“Has this got vinegar in it?” I asked, pushing the ‘food’ to one side of my mouth.

“DON’T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTHFUL!” he snapped at me.

Not that I was planning to, it was hard enough asking that desperate questions without letting my uvula throw itself out of my mouth. He motioned for me to continue eating, completing ignoring the fear and horror in my eyes that a blind person would have seen. I did so after trying and failing to think of a way to spit it without him seeing.

Chewing it, I could tell instantly that he had used rock salt. Many lumps of solid salt that ground against my teeth and gave my tongue and gums small scratches, which went perfectly with the vinegar, as it started to burn the cuts! Swallowing everything in one go wasn’t working, so I resorted to a small section, a trickle process that prolonged the oh so enjoyable experience!

Skeletor was examining his hand, like he was checking for dirt under his nails (despite wearing gloves…and he’s a fucking skeleton!!), “I USE ONLY THE FINEST INGREDIENTS IN MY COOKING. VINEGAR IS ACTUALLY A COOKING SECRET KNOWN TO ONLY A SELECT PRIVILEGED FEW.” He looked at me, “WHY DO YOU ASK?”

*Crack*

I stilled.

Slowly, I brought my hand to my mouth, my tongue pushing out the thing that had just cracked my tooth. Rubbing away the ‘food’ scapes, it appeared to be a piece of salt, but only more transparent than I ever recall salt being. Confused, I rubbed my thumb over it, trying to break it into smaller pieces.  With a hiss, I managed to cut my thumb, swallowing the rest of my mouthful without any real thought.

Then it clicked.

It wasn’t salt, salt can’t cut flesh.

It was glass.

All those salt lumps, they had been glass. I had just swallowed a mouth full of glass shards!

Bolting out of my chair, I turned and fled the apartment, screaming over my shoulder “I’m allergic to vinegar!!”

~*~

After I came back from the hospital, there was a gift for me on my doorstep; one empty lasagne tray and a note:

_Papyrus really enjoyed having you over for dinner tonight. Be sure to come over whenever you’re up to having a free, cooked meal._

_-Your fun Neighbours._

Did I mention that I hate my neighbour?

 

…….wait, neighbours?

 

Next chapter is called: The difference between 'figuratively' and 'literally'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you're happen to be reading this and thinking 'but they said they'd update once a month and I find out there's two chapters now?', I still plan on updating on the first Saturday of each month. It's just, if I get the time, I can do that twice. Basically, if it's a Sunday in the middle of the month and there isn't an update, then I missed the chance and I'll keep it for later (keeping to Saturday makes it easier for me...hope you can understand that=)
> 
> Having said that, X-Mas/Giftmas is here! I most likely won't be updating because none of my stories are ready for Giftmas and it feels weird typing when I'm staring at tinsel. Also, my B-day's happens in early January and I want to binge play some games I've been putting off =P
> 
> Regardless, whatever you celebrate, I hope you have a wonderful time off in the company of your loved loves.
> 
> See you in January!
> 
> Oh, and here's something that you all know, but should be said often; you guys rock! I LIVE for the feedback/nice things you say and all that stuff!!!! It makes me 'over the moon-happy' to read and reread everything! You guys are my fuel, my inspiration to keep trying and to, perhaps, believe in myself...for once.
> 
> Words can't really convey how much I appreciate all the comments.


	6. The difference between 'figuratively' and 'literally'

Avoiding Skeletor after that became the bane of my existence. He kept cornering me at the mailboxes, or the elevator or the staircases (when I gave up trying to use the elevator without him being there). Every time he asked if I wanted to come over for a meal (threatening me, more like), I ‘developed’ a new allergy that just happened to keep me from enjoying whatever he was preparing. Of course, these conversations always had to be coupled with how woeful I was to miss out on such a wonderful meal, but wounded pride hurt a fuck ton less than a cracked tooth.

That seemed to placate him…or distracted him long enough for me to slip off in the other direction.

I didn’t say a word to Dick about the horror of that night many weeks ago, no matter how many times he asked how I managed to crack my tooth. No way that fucker was going to get the joy of me revealing my nightmare and continued nightmare at Skeletor’s hands.

“come on, just tell me already tits.”

“Fuck off Dick.”

We were both online right now, neither of use playing a game or doing anything beyond just faffing about on the internet. Like with most things with Dick, I found myself looking back and realising that I couldn’t recall the first instance we did something. Like the first time we made catching up on a Friday evening a permanent thing, or the first time we watched the same video at the same time. Hell, I don’t even recall who steam-called who first without a game acting as a buffer.

Right now, I was idly looking over the news, trying to keep up the mental illusion that I was somewhat connected to what was happening around the world beyond my limited walls.

“Another riot at town hall over monster rights again.” I said, bored.

Dick scoffed, “those idiots think they’ll be able to change anything by rioting.”

I shrugged (not that anyone but the voices in my head could see the movement) “I dunno, I feel kinda sorry for them.”

“who?”

“The monsters.”

I stilled. This was the first time we had ever shared anything remotely pollical, and I was not in the mood for a debate. I had no clue where Dick stood on monster issues, whether his opinions differed from mine.

I coughed, “Are we really going to talk about this?”

“dunno, seeing as you’re the one who brought it up.”

There was a hardness to his tone that I hadn’t heard before.

Cautiously, I said, “We don’t have to. We can pretend that I never said shit and try this again tomorrow.”

There was a long pause.

“nah, i want to hear your opinion on monster rights. right now.” There was no give in his voice. Whatever his opinion, he was a strong believer.

Swallowing, knowing that my opinion had a fifty-fifty chance of being different from his, I said, slowly, “I believe that monsters should have all the rights that humans have.”

There was another long pause.

“what about the soul-stealing?”

I laughed. “Not concerned. You’ve got to have a soul before anyone can steal it.”

He didn’t respond, not even a pity chuckle.

I sighed, “I’m far more likely to get got by accident than murder, let alone actually meeting a monster who’d bother with my soul. Yet you won’t see me padding down my place.”

“and the magic?”

I thought back on my Harry Potter days, “I’m actually jealous that monsters have magic. It'd be cool to summon fire or ice whenever I wanted to.”

He chuckled this time, “cool? you’re not concerned about a monster using their abilities against you?”

“Well, sure I’m concerned. I’d also be concerned if a guy stood in front of me with a knife or gun. Doesn’t mean that all people with knives or guns are bad or whatever. Dude, it’s entirely situational.”

“so you’re telling me that you have absolutely no problems with monsters?”

Now it was my turn for a long pause.

“Nooo,” I said slowly, “but then, I don’t really know any monsters personally.” I laughed, “Although, I suspect that you’re actually a monster.”

I thought I could hear a sharp intake of breath, but I could have been mistaken.

It took him a while, but eventually, he replied, “does it matter?”

“Nope,” I said, grinning, “you’re still a giant dick, no matter what species you are.”

I snickered, “Literal. I’ve always figured that you were a monster who was just a big, walking penis, shit-talking everything and everyone who met your one eye.” I bust out laughing, quite pleased with myself.

There was stunned silence coming from my headset while I laughed hard at my stupid joke, before he started to laugh his own balls off (picturing that only made me laugh harder).

“you have *snicker* you have zero tack, you know that?”

“And you love it.”

 

Next chapter is called: What did I say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I suck at drawing, but it's something I wish I could do. So, rather than just complain about it, I thought I would ATTEMPT it, to actually try and get better. But what to draw? Why inflict my sad drawings on someone else's work.....
> 
> I know! I'll draw the main scene for the next chapters for all my stories! Yea, and I'll put them up on tumblr in the next few days, that way, even as they hurt people's eyes, people might enjoy guessing what the next chapter might be like? Sort of like a horrible game of Pictionary?
> 
> They'll be on my tumblr and if you have any advice, please let me know!
> 
> Or, if you have any questions/anything really, let me know, okay?
> 
>  
> 
> Oh! And Happy Gyftmas! See you all in the New Year!


	7. What did I say?

"A drinking game?"

"yep."

I knew what this was. Ever since we confirmed that I was human and he was a monster, we’d been in a competitive challenge to get the other one to reveal more about themselves; from their name, age and location. Sex was kinda assumed (although I had no real fucking idea, after all a deep voice didn’t necessarily translate into male for monsters...as far as I know).

I leaned back in my chair, quitting out the video I was idly watching. “Okay, so what do you have in mind?”

“somethin' dirty and X-rated” he purred.

I rolled my eyes, “You can watch porn and jack-off when I’m not online Dick. Or is that your subtle way of telling to fuck off so you can enjoy a romantic evening with your hand?”

“i’d much rather enjoy it with you, tits.”

“Don’t make me think of a monster sitting at his computer, pant-less.”

He laughed, “and before i’ve had a chance to get you drunk? dirty girl.”

“Look, you can sweet talk me all night or you can tell me this fucking idea of yours before I get bored and fall asleep, face-first on the keyboard.”

He chuckled, “okay, okay. so, get yourself somthin' strong and we play our honeymoon game, call of duty, taking shots after each death.”

I narrowed my eyes at the screen, “What's the catch?”

He scoffed, “what, you’ve never done anything fun just for the hell of it.”

I hesitated; I wasn’t a frequent drinker and who knew what the alcohol tolerance was for a monster. For all I knew, he could be impervious to getting drunk and was just trying to get me to agree to a rigid game.

“yer scared lightweight?”

That did it.

“Fuck you! Getting a bottle right now.”

“all ready to go sweet-tits.”

I rolled my eyes, placing my headphones on the table, before I made my way to the kitchen. I may be an infrequent drinking, but I did have a bottle of vodka towards the back. I glared at it, distastefully. No way I was taking straight shots of this.

I open up m fridge, grinning when I saw the two thirds full orange juice. Filling up the carton with vodka, I closed the cap and mixed the orange juice while I looked for my shot glasses. Finding them, I grabbed one and made my way back to the computer, orange juice in one hand and a glass in the other.

Just another proud day for me.

Putting back on my headphone, I called out, “Okay, I’m back."

"took you long enough. what'cya grab?"

"Um..." I looked at my carton, "nail polish remover. You?"

He laughed, "mouthwash."

I grinned, "Well, at least there's one thing to be grateful for."

~*~

Some many death and kills later, and I was feeling good!

Okay, so the orange juice was stronger than I expected and I died more often than I care to admit, but I had stopped caring about either of those things hours ago.

"it hasn't been hours tits."

And apparently Dick can read my mind! Cause he's a monster and a dick!

Dick sighed, "yes, i can read your mind." He chuckled, "and no, that's not what a monster's dick looks like."

I gasped, "How do you know what I was thinking?! Hmm?!"

"oh sweet stars, you were actually thinking about that!" he laughed.

"Shut off your stupid laugh, with your deep, sexy voice."

"sexy voice?"

"Don't change the subject! How do you know what a monster's dick looks like, hmm?!"

"cause when i look down, i see one. jeez tits, you get stupid when you're drunk."

"I am not drunk, and I'm not stupid! For all I know, monsters don't have dicks and you're a female."

He laughed, "what, this voice and the nickname 'dick' didn't give it away?"

"That don't prove shit! Everyone knows all the guys on the internet are actually women!"

He laughed, before he purred, "so, what about my voice do you find sexy?"

"I don't know! Why you're asking me?"

I took another sip from my near empty carton. Looking at it, I realised what must be happing; the fucker was cheating!

"you just said-"

"I don't get it! I killed you more and you're acting like you've barely had any!! What are you drinking, water!?"

"got me a nice bottle of the finest fire rum, right here."

"Prove it!"

He sent over a picture bottle of rum, half gone, with our long-abandoned game in the near background.

"That could be anyone!"

"come on tits, your turn."

"You calling me a liar!"

"yep."

I'll show him! I fetched my phone from my pocket, angling it so that my face wasn't in the photo cause I'm not stupid!

I quickly sent it off to him, pleased to shut him up.

"Suck on that and fuck you."

He chuckled, "so you're a girl after all."

"Of course I am, why didja say that for?"

He purred, "your boob is in the shot."

"My boob?"

I looked back at the message board, noticing with a sickening feeling as I saw that, in trying to keep my face out of the shot, I angled the photo, giving this perve a clear photo of my clothed side boob and a bit of cleavage. It was such a bad photo that you could barely tell it was an orange carton I was holding.

"Oh fuck me" I groaned.

"gladly" I could hear a few mouse taps coming from his end, "and guess who has a new profile picture for you."

I threw my headphones across the room, effectively ending the conversation and stupid game. I could still hear him laughing, wherever he was on this shitty planet.

~*~

"good morning tits."

I groaned, my broken headphones barely on. "What's so good about it?"

"just wondering what this dick can say to you that won't make you cum on the spot."

"Cum on the- are you high? The fuck's wrong with you?"

He laughed, "me, nothing. not with my sexy voice."

"Sexy-?"

Oh fuck.

 

Next chapter is called: They’re…perky?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, let's try something different.
> 
> !!!I'm on Discord, and I'm inviting everyone!!! 
> 
> HERE IT IS! https://discord.gg/cg4p4ps
> 
> Please, bug me!! Talk to me about my stories, tell me about your stories, discuss Undertale lore or, hell, tell me what the weather is like! Point is, I want to meet new people (and tumblr was sort of 'meh')!!!
> 
> I WILL be online at 23:00 Saturday, the 6th of Jan, Coordinated Universal Time (UTC) 07:00 Sunday,7th of Jan and (UTC), for at least an hour. Use this to figure your times (I had to =)- https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/meeting.html
> 
> I'll pop in and chat whenever I'm online, but these times might become a weekly staple...or changed, who knows?
> 
> Soooo looking forward to meeting you properly and, be warned, I may cry if I hear people saying all the nice things you guys continually keep giving me.


	8. They're....perky?

Turns out I said a lot more than 'sexy voice' during that stupid drinking game.

Dick never wasted a chance to quote me on the dumb shit I said from then on, with sexy voice his go to. Why the fuck I still answered his voice chat invites was a fucking mystery to me.

Perhaps I thought today would be different. Perhaps I really was a sad, lonely girl. Perhaps I actually liked the dick despite the fact he was being a bigger dick than usual.

...or I’m secretly a masochist, who the fuck knows!

"-are you listening to me? bet you are, what with my-"

"-HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!"

I raised my head from my hands, staring questionably at my screen as a second voice came loudly through my newly replaced headphones.

"Er, is everything okay?" I asked.

"i'll do it later!" Great! Now I was being ignored!

"DO NOT TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME WHELP!"

"n-no boss! d-didn't mean to!”

“Boss?”

The sound coming through my headphone took on a ruffed quality, almost sounded like the microphone was being covered or something. Whatever the case, I could still hear the person yelling at Dick.

“STOP SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR DIGITAL WHORES AND BE PRODUCTIVE FOR ONCE, OR I SWEAR I’LL TOSS YOU AND YOUR SPANK BOX OUT THE GOD DAMN WINDOW!”

Someone responded (probably Dick) and the sound of a door slamming quickly followed.

Before long, the sound coming through cleared and Dick was back.

“tits, i’m going to go now, so-“

“Who were you calling boss?”

“eh? what’chya talking about?”

“Boss, the person yelling at you. You called them boss.”

“oh, um, that. i’m at work and that was my boss. big fuckin mystery.”

“No, you’re not.” I said, slowly realising something, “You’re at home right now, like you always are when you voice chat with me.”

“well, you’re wrong about that. i’ve called you from work before like i’ve done today, so drop it.”

“Come the fuck on! I know you’re at home because your ‘boss’ threatened to throw your computer out the window. No ‘boss’ would threaten that, not when computers are expensive.”

There was silence from his end, before he eventually replied, “drop it tits.”

“Oh no, no, no! You don’t get to give me shit over my drunk talk and expect me to just drop the fact that there’s someone you actually call boss” I grinned as sudden realisation hit me, “Oh my god! Who do you call boss?! Is it a power-play thing? Are you the bottom bitch or something?”

“i said drop it tits!”

“Make me Dick! And call me Boss from now on.”

There was silence from his end.

“you really want to do this?” He asked, his tone low.

“Now, is that any way to talk to your boss?” I asked, a smile in my voice.

“fine, guess we’re doing this. i have a bet for you tits and if you win, i’ll call you ‘boss’ from now on.”

“And, you have to tell me all about why you’re calling someone who is clearly not your boss Boss.”

“fine. but if i win, you’re to keep your fucking mouth shut and to never bring up the word ever again.”

I scoffed, “Is that all?”

“and-“ his tone suddenly became a lot smugger, “-you have to describe your tits to me, tits.”

“I’m not sending you pictures Dick!”

“that’s why i said ‘describe’, not send. pay attention.”

I thought about it. Describing wasn’t that big of a deal; the dare was entirely focused on humiliating the loser than anything else. However, if I was already getting shit over ‘sexy voice’, how much shit would I get if I lost?

On the other hand, there was something to having him call me Boss; it was clearly something he REALLY didn’t want to do. If I won, not only would he have to stop giving me shit, he would never be able to give me shit ever again, because all I would have to do would be to say something like “quite! Your boss is talking.”!

“Fine, but I get to pick the game. Deal?”

“deal.” He agreed with no hesitation.

I grinned. I knew his weak areas, which games he sucked at playing and which games he sulked over ever  time I suggested we play them.

Ain’t no way I was going to lose!

~*~

I- I lost?

I fucking lost!?

How?! Dick was terrible at racing games! Couldn’t drive for shit!

HOW THE FUCK DID I lose!?!

“well, would you look at that? guess i won.”

I stared open mouth at the results; Dick had completely kicked my arse!

I hadn't just lost; I had lost badly and completely.

“But- but you’re shit at this game! Just last week I was driving literally circles around you!?”

“guess i just got lucky. huh, strange how that works, isn’t it?”

“Like fucking magic” I muttered.

He purred, “now, about our bet.”

I folded my arms, glaring at my screen.

He laughed, “are you going to flake out?”

“N-no.”

“well then. go on, i’m waiting.”

I sat there, with my arms folded across my chest. The embarrassment I felt after the drinking game was nothing to how I felt right now!

With no other options, I sighed heavily and grumbled, “Well, there’s two of them.”

“go on.”

I nearly threw my headphones again; his tone made my skin crawl!

Realising that was probably the point and knowing that all I was doing was prolonging the torture, I rushed on, “They’re a size XX and they’re soft to the touch. They feel a bit like jelly, if jelly had more weight and substance to them. Each has a nipple that’s sensitive to the touch and that’s the same colour of my lips. ARE WE DONE YET!”

Dick howled, the sound of a table top being repeatedly slapped sounded in his background. While I sat there fuming, I listened as he slowly recovered, ending with a final, big sigh from him.

“yea, we’re done.”

Just as I was about to close the voice chat, he spoke up again, “oh, and tits?”

I stopped, “Yea?”

“i never want to hear you say the word boss, ever again. got it?”

“Y-yea”

He ended the call.

~*~

I fucking hate doing the laundry. Hated dragging my clothes down the apartment complex to stand around and wait. I didn’t have to wait, of course, but there was no way in hell I was going to wait in my apartment.

I had more than enough being in the same room as the computer that had hosted my latest embarrassment at Dick’s hand.

Just when I thought this day couldn’t get worse, the door open and in walked the short skeleton in the black jacket I had only ever seen here in the laundry room. He had his own basket of clothes, and his usually surly face. It might have been my imagination or the fact that I was closer than I normally would have been seeing him, but he looked just a hint happier today.

Whatever, guess this made it the fourth or fifth time seeing him ever.

Quickly looking away, I pretended I was keenly interested in reading my washing powder's label.

_‘Yes, using cold water required less powder. How fascinating!’_

I heard him chuckle, but didn’t say anything and certainly didn’t look up! Normally, I would have fled the room, but with only a few minutes left to go before I could stuff my clothes into the dyer, I was stuck here, in awkward limbo hell.

“hey you, human.”

I looked up, flinching when I realised he was much closer than I would have liked (being the same room with a stranger was too close for me!). Not to mention his voice was so much deeper than I ever imagined was possible! Maybe it was a monster thing after all?

He looked me up and down, seemingly unimpressed with what he saw, probably noting how I automatically clinched as his eyes roamed.

Leaning back, his hands in his pockets, he asked, “what, you’ve got some sort of problem with monsters?”

“N-no sir!”

The last thing I needed today was this monster think I had any problem with him!

He continued to stare before he looked away with a shrug. He stuffed in his own washing and stared it without so much as a backward glance at me. When he finally did look back at me, he caught me staring before I had a chance to return to my label reading.

Internally, I was praying that he would leave the room and do something else. Externally, I stood there ram-rod stiff, my eyes not even pretending to glide over the text anymore.

In horror, I felt him approach me, leaning heavily against the pole RIGHT NEXT TO ME!?!

“must be a fascinating brand ya using there.”

“It is!” I squeaked.

He chuckled, before he asked, “so, you wouldn’t be the neighbour papyrus was talking about?”

I looked up in horror, that terrible night flashing in my mind, not unlike a post-traumatic flashback veterans have.

I’m sure my smile looked strained, but nevertheless, I tried to pretend this was a topic I totally wanted to talk about. “Oh, um, the tall skeleton who made the lasagne dish?”

He nodded, smirking. “so, what did you think about it?”

“I loved it!” I lied.

“good, cause he’s been meaning to ask you to come back around.”

“I’m busy!” I blurted out, my survival instincts kicking in hard.

“i didn’t say which day yet.”

“Oh! Sorry, I’m very busy, all the time!” I looked at my basket, willing my hands to stop shaking already!

I heard him chuckle, even as my face exploded in blush. This was officially the worst day ever! I had no fucking clue how it could get worse, but if there was one thing life taught me, it was that there was no bottom.

My washing machine sounded off, ending my torture. Grateful, I dropped the laundry powder back into my basket before I approached the washing machine with my clothes in it. Quickly, I tore my clothes from one machine before dumping them into another, slamming the lid shut.

“I-I’ll see you around. Bye!”

Keeping my eyes firmly on the ground, I grabbed my basket and practically fled the room.

“hold up. you dropped somethin'.” the skeleton called after me.

I turned to see him holding one of my bras in one hand. While I stood there gaping at him in horror, his grin only grew large the longer he watched me. Finally, with no other option, I walked back to him, staring at his feet with a hand out, waiting for him to dump them in my hands.

After a moment he dropped them into my hand and casually stepping aside so that I could walk past him and towards the dyer I was currently using.

“so, your size is XX. interesting.”

I spun right around and ran from the room, his laughter following me out.

Fuck going back there! I’m going out to buy new clothes!

 

Next chapter is called: Seeing Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man! This update cycle was harder than usual, and I think a big part of that is, as I get more readers, I'm getting more anxious? If you had told me that something like that was even possible, that I could get even more anxious, I honestly wouldn't have believed you. Not without asking if drug were involved.
> 
> Anyway, so, I'm still on Discord, and I've made being on for at least an hour, twice a week (2300 (UCT) Saturday and 0700 (UCT)Sunday) a permanent thing. So please, come chat! I'm still eager to hear from you. You'll also find hints about the next coming chapters to all my stories of there as well, so....there's that.
> 
> Hope to hear from you and I'll update at the start of February!


	9. Seeing Red

“Why do you suddenly want me to play a rage game?”

“i figured you’d jump at the chance for me to ‘forget’ sexy voice, tits.”

It was pretty tempting (because heaven know he hadn’t beaten that dead horse enough!), but with his profile picture for me and my description to go along with said picture, it wasn’t like he didn’t have anything else to lord over me, the smug fucker.

“Forget it, Dick! Even if I could trust that you could keep your word, we both know you’ve got plenty of ammo to use against me.” I admitted bitterly.

He chuckled, “come on tits. i’m offering you a chance here. i don’t understand why you’re not jumping all over this."

“Um, try either ‘you haven’t told me why you want this’ or ‘you’ll just move on to mocking me with something else’.”

“it’s not my fault that you’ve made some really dumb decisions lately.”

“And now you’re trying to get me to agree to another one? What kind of special dumb-arse do you take me for?!”

“this time’s it's not a bet and you're not drunk. all you have to do is play a game for thirty minutes and i’ll never bring up sexy voice again.”

I scoffed, “So you’ll just change the wording of the mock. Forget it, Dick, I’m not agreeing to shit.”

“okay, okay. how about this; not only will i not mock you for sexy voice, but i’ll also stop mocking you about everything you’ve done up till this point.”

I stared back at my computer screen, stunned.

“You-you’d really stop? Like forever? I’ll never have to hear you quoting my measurements or you randomly uploading that fucking picture on our chats?”

“and all you have to do is play a rage game for thirty minutes.”

I continued to stare back at the screen, completely at a loss for words.

We never missed the chance to gloat, to one-up the other. We both knew that, if the tables were reversed, I’d be riding this dead horse so hard that animal protection agencies would be knocking on my door on claims of necrophilia bestiality!

For him to offer this….what the hell did he gain from me playing a rage game?! It’s not liked he hadn’t heard me absolutely lose my mind before! Sure, he laughed his arse off so hard that his voice would get even rasper when it happened, but that was hardly worth the perpetual gloating he had right now!

What the fuck was his angle?!

“What the hell do you get out of this?” I asked, beyond confused and as suspicious as fuck.

“just the joy of hearing your beautiful voice speaking in that beautiful language of your heart.”

I scoffed hard, his obvious mocking was only coupled with how weird it was to hear him trying to put a poetic spin on his bullshit. If the fucker wanted to keep his secrets, then fine!

But it was going to cost him.

“Alright Dickhead, keep your secrets! If you swear that I’ll never hear shit about what I’ve done in the past, I’ll play your game.”

“deal.” Oh fuck, I could hear the grin in his voice.

….I was going to fucking regret this, wasn’t I?

~*~

Yeah, I fucking was!

“You mother fucker!” I screamed at my monitor, Captain Dick-sucker continuously laughing in my ears.

The fuckwit I was ‘controlling’ continued flailing about like nan’s tits on a rollercoaster, despite whatever the hell I was trying to make them do! I fucking hated this prick! Fuck him, fuck their stupid hammer and an extra special fuck you to the Dick-cheese for making me play this shit!

I tried again to get from point A to point B, with less suck this time and a lot more calm.

It didn’t last long.

“Don’t fall backwards on me you piece of shit! I’ll make you sit right on that hammer! Skewer you right through and between your eyes, you arse-clown!”

“calm your tits, tits!” Dick laughed, struggling that useless bit of titbit with his voice already rasper than normal from all his purposely infuriating laughter.

“Fuck you, you suckest cock sucker of them all!!”

I furiously turned my attention back to the piece of shit that called itself a ‘game’, when it really should be known as what they make people in Guantanamo Bay play. How in the actual fuck had I only been here for 20 minutes!? A person’s mental health was never meant to handle this garbage, let alone the laughing jackarse who ought to be beaten with heavy clubs and left bleeding in the moonlight!

Okay, I can fucking do this, fucking calm down already for fuck's sake! There was no point in getting angry. When I got angry, I suck and can’t play, making me angrier. I know this, I fucking KNOW this. So all I have to do is take deep breaths and not let this piece of shit get to me-

“NOOOO you fuck face, jizz breathing ASSHOLE!! OH, MY GOD! WHY?!”

I stood up and picked my chair, tossing it off to the side and screaming as I did so.

….Upon reflection, I realise I might have totally lost my shit by this point.

“I hate life! Everything can fucking die!!”

By now, I was screaming all my rage into my empty apartment, my fucking chair laying over there while my headphones sat over WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!

“Fuck this shit! I’m fucking done! This shit is done! I’m done, I am fucking done!”

I don't really remember grabbing a couch pillow, all I knew was that's what I was using to hit everything in my living room, my coffee table having already been kicked to the far side of the room.

"And if that fucking, giggling cunt next door doesn't shut the fuck up I'll shit down their neck and then strap them to a gurney and castrate them with fucking fishing knives before throwing them screaming from this  fucking building, you jizz stained, cum dumpster!!!"

 

Next chapter is called: You can’t kill the Metal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with the start of February marks the end of my spare time =( Don't expect bi-weekly updates....although, if I do get a chance to update, it will always happen on a Saturday!
> 
> !!!AND I'VE GOTTEN AMAZING FANART!!!  
> I'm not sure if I can share them (I really should have asked sooner!)  
> But!  
> As soon as I figure it out, I'm sharing them with the world! 
> 
> ALSO, I'm still giving hint pictures on the next chapter on both tumblr and Discord. You know, if you want another hint on the next chapter to go with the next chapter's title! 
> 
> On a personal note, I just want to explain a little bit about what these past two weeks were like for me:  
> Week 1: OMG, look at all the colours! I've got soo much water coming out my nose I should run a water park. Hey! How about if Y/n actually turns into a cat, but with the personality of a dog? That would be an AMazing idea for a chapter story!! I am so smart! Where's my Nobel prize?!  
> Week 2: Argh, I don't wanna write! I just wanna sleep and- OH why did my family come into town?!  
> ....so yeah
> 
> I've written this next part about fours times and I've finally decided I'd explain it using Undertale soul traits logic (cause, why the hell not!?).
> 
> For those how don't know, I consider myself having an Integrity core, mostly Patience soul. My Patience was fine, but my Integrity wasn't happy with what I was writing. The chapters were shorter than I planned, I didn't flesh out certain scenes as much as I wanted to and, overall, my writing FELT weaker this time around. The more I felt this, the less I wanted to write. Patience wanted me to delay the update but Integrity wasn't having NONE of that. I said I'd do something, I'm F-ing doing it! Patience rolled its eyes, but keep be ploughing on, keeping me from deleting entire sections and scrapping everything multiple times.
> 
> Now, don't get me wrong, I'm okay with these chapters, but a lot of self-criticising has soured this update cycle for me to the point that I don't think I could ever like these chapters, personally.  
> And that's okay!
> 
> I mean, I don't have to LOVE every chapter and there are bound to be favourites! So why can't the same be true for chapters I just didn't have fun writing?  
> It's okay to not be okay, okay?  
> Okay =)


	10. You can't kill the Metal

[ _'There's gonna be (gonna be)_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjIVkl34Vig)

[ _Gonna be hell to pay!!'_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjIVkl34Vig)

“what are you listening too?”

I turned down my music to fully hear the big baby whine. “What are you complaining about now you whiny baby?”

He laughed, “if anyone was ever in a position to not being able to accuse others of being a baby, it’s you tits. not after that tantrum you threw.”

“I don’t see you clambering to play that fucking game!”

“a deal is a deal tits. now, if you want me to play that game…?”

“Forget it Dick. Hearing you get slightly angry isn’t worth whatever weird thing you want from me now. Frankly, I think I’m done with taking any more weird bets or deals with you. I’ve got you to shut up about sexy voice, and I’m happy.”

He gave a mocking scoff, “you, happy?”

“Believe it or not, I am capable of the emotion….dickhead.”

He chuckled in response, before asking again, “what the hell are you listening to? it sounds like a couple of toads getting corn-holed by several electrical instruments.”

I choked hard on the drink I had decided to take at the worst possible time. As the burning/ choking sensation passed through my lungs and nose, I struggled to breathe as I laughed my ass off. Since when did the dickhead do hyperboles like that?

Fuck me, I’m actually influencing the bastard!        

…I think that might be a bad thing. For me and the world.

Still, I was grinning, even as I whipped off my monitor.

“you okay?” he asked, with a huge fucking grin in his tone.

“Yeah” I said, still snickering. “Okay, that was funny. Well done Dick, you got me.”

“i’ll take that as high praise, coming from you. now, you might see your way to actually answering my question, this time without the smartarse comment?”

“Yeah, good fucking luck with that!” Yeah, the Dick deserved a straight answer after making me nearly chock to death. “I’m, a, I’m listening to some of my old favourite songs,” I turned to the wall I shared with my neighbour, who was still blasting his shitty music, “to take my mind off my asshole neighbours who won’t turn down their ear-raping music!”

“trouble in paradise?”

“Yeah, I live in fucking Nirvana. You should come here; we have little drinks with umbrellas.”

“have you tried talking to them?”

I thought about Skeletor and Pervey (Grinning Asshole and Dickweed were also acceptable names for the skeleton in the black jacket).

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Right after I’ve had my grey matter removed with a long spoon.”

“so you’re kinda stuck there eh? what are you going to do about it?”

“Sit here and think horrible things?”

He laughed, laughing harder as my microphone picked up the increase sound level bleeding through the wall and my entirely involuntarily dark muttering curses under my breath.

~*~

_“Click, Click,_

_Boom, Boom.”_

I was listening to the same old favourite song of mine as I rode the elevator down on the way to work the next morning. About the only time I could ride the damn thing without worrying that Skeletor was going to corner me again was in the mornings now.

Of course, that didn’t stop his roommate or whatever from cornering me.

The short skeleton in a black jacket walked in, grinning at me before I could hide my stunned and horrified expression. What the fuck was Pervey, doing in the elevator?! He's NEVER in the elevator. For fuck’s sake, I just learned that he actually lived in this building, let alone we were actually fucking neighbours just a few days ago, and now he just happens to be here now?!

Fucking fine! Just pretend I can’t see him and I’ll bolt out as quickly as I can when the god damn doors open up. Just keep listening to my music and the quicker that time will come.

He suddenly waved a hand in front of my face, starling me and giving me no way I can pretend I didn’t see that! Unwillingly, I took my earbuds out.

“Yes?” I asked, as fucking politely as I could.

He grinned, leaning back now that he had my attention. “i was just wondering what you’re listening to there.”

I looked down at my earbuds, confused. Was this guy actually trying to start a conversation with me?! Oh what fresh hell was this?!

“Um, music?”

He rolled his eyes, “music, huh?” He grinned, “mind if i give it a listen?”

Before I could tell him to fuck off (or whatever the polite version of fuck off was), Pervey snatched an earbud from my hand and held it to his head, leaning in towards me and pinning me to the wall by placing the other hand right next to my head, leaving me with no chance to escape. His entire, grinning face encompassed my entire vision, leaving me staring in horror and confusion as this creep ACTUALLY WINKED AT ME?!

As we stared into each other's unblinking eyes, the song continued to play.

_'Click, Click_

_Boom, Boom._

_Keep rushing and a running, running._

_A reckoning of lead is coming._

_I'm kickin' in the gates of hell again._

_Bringer of Pain!!'_

Pervey stood back, laughing his ass off as the earbud fell from his hand. Struggling through repressed laughter, he looked up at me with tears in his eyes “you, the shy loner girl, actually listen to-“ He couldn’t finish that sentence, dissolving again into uncontrollable howls.

Blushing furiously, I picked up and jammed my earbuds back into my ears, staring determinedly at the elevator doors. As soon as they open, I pushed my way through and sped walked to work.

Okay, it was official; fuck using the elevator ever again! I’ll throw myself out the window before I ever let myself get cornered by the fucking skeletons assholes!

 

Next chapter is called: Oh, just fucking great!

 

**Fan Art?! (Since when!!)**

**JellyBellyRulez** -[Awesome collarge!](https://official-jellybellyrulez-acc.tumblr.com/post/171415356903/fanart-for-rnd-injustice-s-other-fic-tits-and#notes)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the song's called DOOM SONG - Hell to Pay by Miracle Of Sound  
> Also, I have a new poll for you guys: https://strawpoll.com/psrk5pp6  
> Basically, I've been thinking about adding Sans's POV to some of these chapters (if not all). The reason I haven't done this is that I'm a big believer on show, don't tell; it's more interesting if you have your own interpretation rather than me outright stating things. On the flip slide, I LOVE stories with different perspectives on the same situation!  
> The poll will hopefully help me figure out which way to go.
> 
> See ya for the next update! (It’s close to April Fools, isn’t it? Hmmm)


	11. Oh just fucking great!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now, I know that today is Sunday, but I wanted to do something fun for this day, so I thought, 'why not?'  
> And here we are!  
> Oh, and as an added bonus, I want you to ask yourself, 'Is this the first Saturday of the month?'  
> What's that? It isn't?  
> Huh, guess I'll have to update again when it is then, right? =)

"Y/n, are you busy?”

I looked up from the cluster fuck that was the monster Dog’s families tax returns, to stare in disbelief at Mary, my Bitch Boss. “Well, actually-“

“Great!” she beamed, “I’ll just bring over your new monster client then. Too-da-loo Y/n!”

Then the bitch left, her rancid perfuming still fouling my cubicle’s limited air supply.

I hurled all of my carefully organised paperwork into my top drawer, livid.

God, how I fucking hate this place, with its Bitch Boss, asshole employees and brain-dead clients! Honestly, you tell one fuck-face employee to stop it with the bad monster impressions and suddenly you’re labelled a monster fucker. Now guess who’s entire cliently base lacked a single human? This dumb bitch!

Monster clients were the worst clients, no fucking competition. Not because they were monsters (although, for almost all my fellow employees, that was more than enough for the monster-phobes), but because there was so little trust between humans and monsters in the first place that it became a fucking nightmare to work with them. Add to the fact that they didn’t fully understand or believe that they needed to pay taxes (let alone properly organising all their paperwork) and it became my job to dig through piles of badly sort paperwork, old, faded receipts and blatant threats as I tried to do their taxes for them. Every client walked in assuming I was here to take away their money for no reason, using paperwork and legal jargon to do it, and no amount of polite words or stained smiles was ever going to convince them otherwise.

Yeah, working in tax services, one of the most hated professions in the world, was less about performing my duties and more about staying alive (both preventing my murder at distrusting monster hands or taking my own life out of sheer boredom and frustration).

Well, at least it paid... shit. But that’s fucking life, isn’t it? Not the job I wanted to do, but there was no fucking chance I was going back to university, so shut the fuck up princess!

At least it couldn’t get worse. I mean, add another fucking monster client who hated my guts on principle, bringing in half-chewed paperwork that was barely cohesive or legible on top of my over-worked desk, for all I care!

Guess who’s adding Alka Seltzer powder to your coffee creamers again Mary? This bitch, right here!

In fact, while I waited for my new client to finally waltz in, I opened up my bottom drawer, checking to see if I had enough for today.

“well, hello neighbour.”

I stopped dead.

That voice.

There was no fucking way.

Life would not be so cruel to do this to me.

For fuck's sake, I thought I was a good person!

Slowly, with the kind of disbelieving misery that only came when you already knew the answer but were trying desperately to stay in denial, I raised my head up to see Pervey, standing at the entrance to my walled cubical, a huge fucking grin on his skull.

He waltzed in, like he owned the place, sitting right in front of me with his hands still in his black jacket, his legs kicked up and resting on the edge of my already crowded desk. His glowing, red eye lights briefly swept across my desk and my nameplate, before resting on my strained face, and it seemed his grin grew larger as he took in my horrified face.

He held out his hand with a wink. “nice to finally meet ch’ya neighbour. i’m sans, sans the skeleton, and i guess i’m your new client.”

Quickly, my forced, professional side pulled my shocked expression back into its default polite smile as I moved forward to shake his hand. “The pleasure is all-“

*buzz!*

With a wild cry, I flung my hand away from him as an electrical current run up my entire arm, briefly numbing it as I held it protectively to my chest.

Sans, the asshole, roared with laughter, his head flung back. After a time, he gained enough control of himself to end his laughter with a satisfied sigh, meeting my strained professional smile as I tried not to think about all the other employees currently standing up around me and looking over my walls to see why I had screamed.

“shockin', isn’t it?” He grinned, holding up his hand to show me that it had a buzzer in it, “i mean, what are the fuckin' odds i’d get you for my tax services, eh?”

“Very funny, Mr Sans.” I muttered, still rubbing my arm, “And I assure you, I’m just as surprised to see you.”

He waved me off, “just sans ms…” he lent forward to look closely at my nameplate, “l/n.”

Slowly, with my hear still racing, I settled back into my seat, desperately clinging to my professional routine. As long as I did that, I could keep my nerves at bay and not get fired for any unprofessional behaviour when all I wanted to do was to either run out of the building screaming or throw my stapler right into this fucker’s face.

“So, what can I do for you today?” I asked, nervously.

He shrugged, still beaming in self-smug satisfaction. “i need help with my taxes i guess?”

“You guess?” I asked, not quite believing that I was just given such a vague answer.

He shrugged again, his grin growing as he noticed my fists involuntarily clenched.

Taking a calming breath, I open up a new monster applicant document on my computer, entering his name. “Okay, let’s start by getting you set up with our company.”

I looked over at him, confused, “Is Sans your first or last name?”

“both.” He grinned

I stared at him, “Your name is Sans Sans?”

He shook his head, “nah, it’s just sans.”

“So what is your last name then?”

“dunno.” he shrugged with a smug grin.

Counting to five, I moved on to the next questions. "Race: Monster. Sex?”

“yes please.”

I gaped at him, making him burst out laughing again at my horrified expression.

Once he settled, he lent forward, leaning on my desk. “i’m all man, ms l/n.” he purred, licking his teeth with a glowing, slimy red tongue.

Blushing, I quickly hid my face behind the screen, praying to whatever powers that this monster didn’t notice my horrified expression! I had never been hit on in this job! Not fucking once! Most times, monsters threated me; screaming obscenities about how I was basically a crook in an office. I had no fucking clue or experience what to do now?!

Still hiding my face behind the screen, I asked the next question in a very strained voice “Age?”

“old enough to know better.”

Okay, I’ve had enough! I could only handle so much humiliation and frustration in one fucking sitting. I was not going to put up with this shit for every question!

Putting on my best, dead-pan ‘unamused’ face, I looked around my screen to stare him down. “Mr Sans. If you don’t provide acerate answers, I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

The fucker’s only response was to look even more amused as he settled more comfortably into his chair.  “listen, ms l/n, while underground, we monsters sort of lost how much time passed. so, i don’t know what to tell ya, but i have no fuckin’ clue how old i am in ‘human’ years.”

“I am well aware of that Mr Sans,” I said as calmly as I could, my sweetly, professional voice kicking in, “but there are plenty of programs and centers out there that are specifically designed to catch-up monsters to the world as it stands now, including transferring the Underground’s measurement of time to the Aboveground’s time.” I looked at him quizzically, “Why didn’t you get this information when you were told about having to pay taxes?”

I didn’t bother to ask why it had taken him close to a year to finally visit one of the centres specifically designed to inform monsters about human customs, laws and way of life. A great many of monsters before him who already had their taxes done by me, claimed a fervent distrust in anything that involved humans, and that them being here was very much under protest. In fact, most monsters had been ordered by their king to pay, under threats of death, but it still had taken them actually being caught by law enforcement before they had bothered to visit those centres, let alone pay their taxes.

All I knew was if Pervey was here today, he had obviously been finally caught. Why he hadn’t visited one of the centres (as I knew every monster had been ordered to do) but had decided to pay his taxes was beyond me!

And now I get the ‘joy’ of dealing with this asshole!

The asshole in question shrugged again (the motion quickly become my new most hated thing in the whole fucking world!) “guess i forgot to do that.”

Sighing deeply, I skipped the basic shit and moved onto questions he was sure to know.

“Okay, let’s start with your job.” I looked up, “What do you do?”

He shrugged, “a bit of everything.”

I continued to smile, even as I felt my eye twitch, “Well, do you mind telling me what specifically you do for money?”

He grinned, “told ya, a bit of everything.”

I was about five seconds from plunging my keyboard into my monitor, so instead, I closed my new applicant document down (didn’t even bother saving, because what’s the fucking point?!).

“Let’s skip that question then, shall we.” I pulled out a calculator, paper and a pencil, “How much money do you think you earn on a monthly bases?”

“enough.”

Thinking peaceful thoughts, I pushed on, “Well, do you have your paperwork with you? You know, so that I can calculate it for you?”

“didn’t bring anythin' along with me.”

I broke the pencil in my hand. “What do you mean, you didn’t bring anything along?!”

He gave a gruff laugh, snickering at my enraged expression.

“Mr Sans, “ I said, through clenched teeth, “I need to know roughly how much you make for tax purposes. Afterall, it’s the whole reason why you’re here, isn’t it?”

His grin grew, “well it’s one of the reasons.”

I stared at him, baffled, “What other reason could there possibly be?!”

Did he think taxes were fun? Did he just fucking wounder in, looking to make my life a living hell!?!

He better fucking not have!!

I have never wanted to punch a monster in the face more than this grinning skeleton asshole!

Rather than answer, he looked away, disinterested, “guess i’ll need to make another appointment and bring in all my paperwork tomorrow, eh ms l/n?”

“I’m looking forward to it” I replied, even as I felt my smile twitch.

“perhaps we can carpool together, seeing as we’re neighbours?” he asked, his grin turning creepy.

My face of horror and his uproarious laughter ended the appointment as the smug fucker waltzed back out my cubicle, leaving behind additional misery for me to sort through.

Whatever bad mood I had been in before, paled when compared to the prospect of round two of this shit!

~*~

“what’s wrong tits? you seem unusually tense tonight.”

“It’s fucking nothing Dick!”

He laughed, “it sounds like a whole lot of nothin'. that’s why you’re still shotting the dead guy. a whole lot of nothin'.”

“It’s therapeutic asshole, quit criticizing!” I took a deep breath. Whatever my issue with Sans, the asshole was, it wasn’t fair to take my anger out on Dick.

So, after I felt calm enough to talk...civilly, I admitted, “Look, you’ve heard me bitch about work before. Well, let’s just say that today was extra fucking special and leave it at that.”

“what happened?”

I shrugged, “Usual things; Bitch boss dumped another client on my over-worked pile.”

“that’s it? nothin' in particular special about this new client?”

“Oh, there’s something ‘special’ about him alright.” I muttered, remember the entire appointment as a shooting pain stabbed my brain.

“so, tell us about it.”

“Your fucking serious? Since when do you take an interest in my bitchings?”

“hey, anyone who can get ya this worked up, hours later, has to be special.”

I rolled my eyes. If Dick wanted to hear me rant and rave about my latest asshole client, then I was fucking going to let him have it!

“You want to fucking know?! Okay, fine!” I dropped my controller in anger, effectively ending the match I was playing with Dick as I kicked back and stared at my ceiling. “So, get this, the asshole client is actually my next door neighbour! A neighbour I didn’t even know that I had to just a few days ago! So he walks in, strutting his inflated ego, like he fucking owns the place, and is just the dumbest dumbarse that ever existed, giving me stupid answers to basic shit!”

“i bet that was frustratin'.” replied Dick thoroughly poorly restrained laughter.

“Then try not giggling about it Dick!” I pushed myself up. “You should have seen him, blatantly hitting on me! And the asshole didn’t even bring in any paperwork! Like, how in the actual fuck was I suppose to help him if he walked in with nothing!? I swear Dick, I’m absolutely sure that the assclown only came in to annoy the ever-living piss out of me, which he fucking succeeded at!!”

I took a couple of deep breaths while Dick was losing his shit, laughing his ass off at my misery, like I fucking knew he would!

“You done, gob shite?” I asked, not feeling better after my outburst.

After the giggling cunt calmed down enough to take a few deep breaths, he replied. “yeah, i’m done tits.”

“Then try saying that without a grin in your voice!”

“can’t help it tits. funny is funny, and it sounds like this guy really got to ya.”

“And the worst part is I can’t complain to Bitch Boss! She won’t do anything! He’s a monster client, so while he’s pissing me off, he’s worth bank to her.”

“sounds like your stuck, huh?”

“Fucking tell me about it!”

I groaned, burying my head in my hands.

Yeah, I was fucking trapped, which fucking sucked! What little I knew about Pervey indicated he was the type of asshole who just loved to make people squirm. From his grin as he held up my bra to my horrified expression, to actually trapping me in the elevator, to fucking today; this guy was a serious asshole!

And assholes didn’t quit because you asked ‘nicely’. They stopped when they got bored.

So if I didn’t feed into his enjoyment, he’d get bored and fuck off back to his side of the wall.

Because seeing him just suddenly turn up in the elevator and today…yeah, no fucking way that was just a ‘coincidence’!

“No, you know what? I’m not going to let this nob gobbling asshole get to me! If he’s coming in to purposely annoy me, then he can fuck right off, cause I’m not going to feed into his bullshit entertainment!”

Dick scoffed, “like i’m sure ya can keep yourself under control tits.”

“Of course I fucking can! I’ve been dealing with asshole clients long before this asshole showed up, and I’ll be dealing with them long after he gets bored and fucks off!”

“sounds like you’ve got your work cut for you then tits.” Dick replied, still in that disbelieving tone.

“You ‘support’ is noted and greatly apricated Dick. Just wait, I’ll come home tomorrow after I’ve kept my fucking my cool for the whole fucking day! Because the thing you don’t know about me is who I am online with you and who I am on the job are two, very fucking different people.”

There was a pause.

“guess we’ll see, won’t we?”

~*~

“What’s this?” I asked, looking at the rubbish paper pile Sans had just dumped on my desk, moments after walking in.

He grinned, sitting in the chair, now that he had emptied every pocket of all the scrap paper he seemed to ever own. “yer asked for receipts, records of what i get and how much?” he gestured at the rubbish on my desk, “well, this is my paperwork.”

I stared at it, my resolve from last night clear gone from my mind.

No monster, in the history of ever, had ever brought in anything this disorganised! Fuck me, this asshole is actually making the Dog family’s chewed papers seem like the most anual person’s paperwork system!

He laughed as he took in my flabbergasted expression, “what, you don’t like how i’ve organised my paperwork?”

“This is organised?!”

“sure it is.” He pointed to one side of the table, “that was this week.” He pointed to another pile “that’s this month.” He pointed to the last, most fouled pile, “and that’s other.”

“Other what?” I asked, stupidly. No fucking answer was going to make this acceptable.

“other times, obviously.” He said with a condescending smirk, like I was a brain-dead moron.

I picked a random piece of paper, trying to see past all the mustard stains. “What period of time does this sh- stuff cover?”

He shrugged, leaning back, “i’d say anywhere from now to when i first walked out from the underground.”

I stared at him in disbelieving horror as he watched me in smug satisfaction.

I could practically see it in his eyes; he was having the time of his fucking life. The asshole had probably gone home yesterday, thinking about all the ways he could play with me, knowing that I was unable to do or say anything because he was my client and I had bosses here who wouldn’t take it too well if I drowned this bastard in the water cooler.

Fuck, I wouldn’t put it past him to have been listening in to my conversation to Dick last night! Why in hell had I said all the shit to Dick!?! If he had been listening to any of that, then I just made this personal and this dickcheese wasn’t leaving anytime soon!

“You enjoy fucking me over, don’t you?” I said without thinking.

He started, caught entirely unprepared for my candid response. “wh-what?”

Meanwhile, I was internally panicking.

I had just snapped at a client! Not just any client either, but my fucking, asshole neighbour! Not only was I giving him more reasons to come back here now, but I had just potentially opened up the fucking floodgates to take this shit home with us, potentially fucking over both my work and home life in the process!

What the fuck had I done and what do I do now!?!?

…Well, what I wasn’t going to do was knuckle under or try and take back what I said. Doing either of those things would only feed into his enjoyment and wouldn’t get me out of this horse shit.

However, and this was such a fucking long shot, the hoop was in the next universe over, perhaps I could reason with him and try to get him to back down?

……..there was no fucking chance that was going to work. Period

But I had to try. I’m stupid that way.

I cleared my throat and took a couple of calming breaths, before throwing the longest of shots, “Mr Sans; let’s go back to being indifferent to each other before this gets out of hand. I’ll treat you like I would with any other client and you treat me like your accountant, and not a new toy you can play with.”

I continued to smile professional at him, willing him to take the fucking truce before I had to start upping my game, before I started thinking of perfectly legal ways to return the fucking favour that wouldn’t lead to a neighbour war!

I could practically see something flick across his eyes, because he leaned back, shaking his head, “nah, I think I actually prefer it this way, Ms L/n.”

So he wants to keep playing?

Bring it on, fuck-tard.

Taking a deep calming breath, I continued to smile politely at him, even as I felt my hands shake “Very well then, Mr Sans. Then I’ll need time to go through all of your paperwork, which means your next appointment will have to happen after I’ve done that.”

“i’ll make it for three days from now then.”

I took a deep breath, smiling sweetly at him, “That should be more than enough time, Mr Sans.” I gestured to the door, “Enjoy the rest of your day, and I’ll see you in three day's time.”

He stood up, grinning at me as he left, “earlier, if we ‘happen’ to see each other in the elevator again.”

I continued to smile, “Of course…neighbour.”

~*~

I came home to find a dog chew toy, sitting in front of my door. I toyed with the idea of leaving a bag of dog-shit for him, but I knew that wouldn’t do anything but escalate this to a full-on neighbour war quicker. I still had hope that I could avoid that, even if the fucking odds were minuscule. Besides, Skeletor lived there as well, and I didn’t want to incur his wrath as well.

It felt great throwing the fucking toy out the nearest window, however.

I was oddly quiet that night. Something that Dick picked up on moments after our chat started.

“so, how did it go?”

I looked at my wall that I shared with the asshole. “It went fine.”

There was a pause.

“just fine?”

“Of course. I kept my cool, and I didn’t kill anyone. I say that’s the definition of fine, wouldn’t you agree?”

“so, ya telling me nothing of interest happened today?”

I paused, looking over at my neighbour's wall again.

“No.” I said softly.

There was an awkward pause.

“a-are you doin' okay tits?” Dick asked awkwardly, with the closest thing I had ever heard to concern.

I sighed heavily, “No, not really. I’m sort of straight up fucked here.”

“look, i’m sure it isn’t that b-“

“No, it really fucking is. He’s making my work life a living hell, and he’s most likely going to up his game here at home! This fucker knows that I’m trapped, and he knows that there sure isn’t shit I can do about either situation!” I sighed heavily again, “I’m on my fucking own here.”

After a long pause, he sighed, “look, you don’t have to feel like this tits. i’m sure this guy isn’t that big of a douche to keep pushin' this if you’re going to act like a kicked puppy.”

“You want me to believe that he’s just going to leave me alone if I look sad?” I laughed bitterly, “Like that’s going to work.”

“so you’re just going to knuckle under and take the abuse?” He asked angrily, with just the hint of actual disappointment in his tone.

“I didn’t say that.”

“ya just said-“

“I’m in a fucking shit place, but there’s no fucking way I’m just going to roll over without a fight.”

“y-ya got a plan?” he asked, incredulously.

I laughed, “Dick, I had a plan the moment he walked out of my cubicle!” I grinned, looking over my lasts online orders I had just brought on a different internet tab, “I just need time to gather resources before I can take down this asshole so thoroughly, he won’t even be able to look me in the eye ever again!”

There were many things assholes like Sans were prepared for; yelling, cursing, threats. None of it fucking worked, of course.

But there was one thing that guys like him were almost certainly unprepared for.

And that was going to be the tip of my passive aggressive spear.

There was stunned silence, before Dick replied, with so much affection, “that’s my tits.”

Giggling, I asked, “Y-you know how fucking weird that sounds, right?”

~*~

It took a while for my orders to come in (despite me paying extra for fast shipping). Dick had wanted to know what I was planning, or at least to hint at it, but I flatly refused. The last thing I needed was to have him laughing at my plan…or for fuck face to overhear what I was planning, thus losing the element of surprise…I guess.

In the meantime, I had to put up with Mr Being-an-asshole-must-be-a-skeleton-thing’s ‘paperwork’, but I got it done.

I may hate this job, and especially this assclown, but if I was committed to doing this, then I was making sure getting fired for not performing my duties wasn’t going to appear on my pink slip. It did get to the point where I had to take it home with me though, pulling all-nighters as Dick continued to ask questions about what I was planning.

On the day in question, I came to work early, dressed for war. My plan was simple, but it required a few adjustments.

The first step was getting rid of all my cubical walls. A lot of people frankly thought I was out of my mind (seeing as cubical walls were the most prized possessions that granted some form of privacy in this place), and they weren’t far from wrong. There was a surreal feeling to sitting at my desk, patiently waiting for the asshole to come in, my skin crawling as everyone in the building kept openly staring at me.

Fuck them, I’ll sit here and pretend I wasn’t being gawked at by both my fellow employees and their clients. While I’m at it, why don’t I pretend that I didn’t feel exposed with the walls gone or that my wasn’t heart racing as second regrets really kicked in!

My work phone rang, and I picked up, expecting the time was nigh.

“Y-Y/n? Your 10:30 is here.”

“Thanks Julia. Send him in, would you please?”

After putting down my phone, I gave myself a once over, making sure I was ready.

What’s that? I fucking wasn’t? Well, then I was shit out of luck wasn't I, because in walked the asshole.

Sans instantly noticed my missing walls, how his appearance drew all the focus from all the other people in the building, as they both tried to stare yet avoid his notice. Many of the ones who were close-by noticeable shifted away from him.

“i see that you’ve redecorated.” He noted, grinning as he slowly made his way over to his usual chair, “what, you think i’ll leave if people are gawkin' at me?” He shrugged as he settled into his chair, “i get that all the time babe.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Mr Sans, but I thought it would be nice to have a more open space when we started our appointment.”

He chuckled, “do ya want people to see you swearin' at your clients again or somethin'? yer figured getting fired for misconduct is easier than just quittin'?”

I leaned in, whispering to him, “Actually, Mr Sans, I wanted them to see your reaction.”

“my reaction to what?” he said, a bit apprehensive.

Slowly, trying to ignore my hands shaking as adrenaline and nerves flooded my body, I began to unzip and take off my full body trench coat, revealing my fully decked out skeletal themed, sexy clothing, complete with a skin-tight spandex body suit of a human skeleton that was under it all.

Sans’s eye’s shrank, his relaxed posture got VERY noticeably stiff.

Slowly, I stood up, exaggerating my movements, as I walked over to my filing cabinet, bending down and going through each draw as I worked my way up, ‘looking’ for his file.

“Oh dear, now where did I put your file?” I stuck out a leg, twirling it in the air.

I, had no confidence pulling this look off. My normal clothes were often downplayed and conservative; the very idea of wearing eye-catching clothing was the exact opposite of what I wanted out of life.

But today, I was catching everyone’s eyes, and one asshole's attention, in particular, was exactly what I wanted!

After ‘finding’ what I was looking for, I turned to see Sans’s skull beaded in sweat, his gaze quickly skirting away when he saw me turning to look at him.

Grinning, I walked slowly over to the front of my desk, leaning on it as I looked down at him. “What’s wrong Mr Sans?” I asked, in a very loud voice, drawing attention from across the entire room, “ Are you all right? You look really sweaty.”

“i-i’m fuckin' fine!” he barked out, shrinking into his jacket.

“You don’t look fine.” I reached over backwards onto my desk and fetched my box to tissues, leaning back to see him open gawking at me before hurriedly looking away.

Smiling, I leant forward, whispering, “Would you like a tissue…Mr Sans?”

Red, glowing blush exploded across his cheeks as he tried desperately to look anywhere but at me. “no fuckin' thanks!”

Shrugging, I casually put the tissues to the side, before hopping onto my desk in front of him, “I think I need to call an ambulance then Mr Sans. You look awful sick. Perhaps I should ask someone?” I called over to Jack, my closest’s fellow employee, and who was staring, stunned, at me, “Hey Jack, what does it mean when monsters get all sweaty and their blush glows?”

“i’m not fuckin' blushing!” splat the flustered skeleton, still trying to disappear into his jacket.

I slowly uncrossed, then re-crossed my legs again in front of his eye level.

“Oh no. Jack, could you call that ambulance for me? I think he’s getting worse!”

In the next instance, he had grabbed one of my hands and pulled me forward, his skull inches from mine as he hissed, “okay, you’ve made your fuckin' point! i’ll stop!”

“You’ll leave me alone and not harass me at home?” I asked, whispering aggressively back.

He…eventually nodded.

So satisfied, and trying desperately to keep my absolute joy from bursting through, I freed myself from his grip and leaned back, “Then I do believe that we are done here….Mr Sans.”

I stood up and made my way back to my desk, the happiest I had ever been…and it was happening when I was at work. Smiling, I gestured back towards the building’s exit, “Have a nice day, and I do hope to see you around sometime, neighbour.”

Quickly, Sans pushed himself up from his chair, making his way towards the exit.

The sight of his hunched shoulder and retreating back had me whooping before I could help myself, further startling my work neighbours and getting me a warning for my behaviour later the day.

Fuck me if it wasn’t worth everything in the world to me though.

 

Next chapter is called: The other side of The Wall (Sans’s POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question for you guys; do you think that the names Tits and Dick should stick whenever the two think about eachother, or should they use Y/n and Sans?  
> For example (and if you could use the numbers here, it would help eliminate any confusion. Also, this is just me typing random stuff, not a future scene)  
> 1- I looked over to see Sans was stuffing his face with pizza, a complete slob with no fucking tack. When he finally noticed me, he spoke, with bits of pizza flying out of his mouth, “The fuck you looking at Y/n?”  
> “Nothing Sans.” I replied, flecking my own mouthful of pizza onto his skull.  
> ‘Fucking rude.’ He thought, licking his cheek clean. He grinned as he watched Y/n squirm, her eyes following his tongue’s movement. ‘Through she’s fucking cute too.’  
> 2- I looked over to see Sans was stuffing his face with pizza, a complete slob with no fucking tack. When he finally noticed me, he spoke, with bits of pizza flying out of his mouth, “The fuck you looking at Tits?”  
> “Nothing Dick.” I replied, flecking my own mouthful of pizza onto his skull.  
> ‘Fucking rude.’ He thought, licking his cheek clean. He grinned as he watched Y/n squirm, her eyes following his tongue’s movement. ‘Through she’s fucking cute too.’  
> 3- I looked over to see Dick was stuffing his face with pizza, a complete slob with no fucking tack. When he finally noticed me, he spoke, with bits of pizza flying out of his mouth, “The fuck you looking at Y/n?”  
> “Nothing Sans.” I replied, flecking my own mouthful of pizza onto his skull.  
> ‘Fucking rude.’ He thought,, licking his cheek clean. He grinned as he watched Tits squirm, her eyes following his tongue’s movement. ‘Through she’s fucking cute too.’  
> 4- I looked over to see Dick was stuffing his face with pizza, a complete slob with no fucking tack. When he finally noticed me, he spoke, with bits of pizza flying out of his mouth, “The fuck you looking at Tits?”  
> “Nothing Dick.” I replied, flecking my own mouthful of pizza onto his skull.  
> ‘Fucking rude.’ He thought, licking his cheek clean. He grinned as he watched Tits squirm, her eyes following his tongue’s movement. ‘Through she’s fucking cute too.’


	12. The other side of The Wall (Sans's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !PLEASE READ ME!
> 
> This chapter is entirely Sans’s Point Of View up until Chapter 12. If POV’s aren’t your thing, please skip this chapter and feel free to come back on the first Saturday of next month, where I’ll be back to writing from Tits’s perspective.

**Chapter 1**

Humans were fuckin’ loud and annoyin’.

Take this muted piece of shit I was playin’ against in some game I picked when I decided I wanted a distraction from the shit in my life. He, and other humans I had already played against felt like they could say all this antagonizing shit and get away with it, feelin’ safe because they thought they were above consequences. If he had been a monster, he would have been dusted long ago. Monsters knew better than to run their mouths off; you didn’t say shit like this unless you were trying to gal the other into a fight (which always saw someone getting dusted).

Angrily, I tugged at my collar. Humans really should know better than to say shite they couldn’t back up. It made dealing with them the most annoying fuckin’ thing on the surface. Seriously, if we could just get rid of all the humans, the Surface might have actually been a nice place. But Asgore seemed convinced that working with the humans was the best thing, so until tensions between the two races inevitable broke down again, I’ll guess I’ll play their shit games with shitter players.

So rather than waste my time listing to this piece of garbage, I was forced to mute the fucker and other humans like em, hopin’ to at least keep my mood somewhat good before I turned this waste of money off for the day and visit Grillby’s again…but I was trying to avoid the stingy prick because I was a little behind paying my tab…

Why the fuck was it always happenin’ to me?

“Hey! Wanna shut up, you closet monster sexual?”

Startled, I looked back to the game I was quickly losing interest in, as someone had just called someone else a closet monster sexual. Growling in frustration, I prepared to mute yet another human who liked using ‘monsters’ as an insult.

Before I did, however, she said something else.

“Is that your micropenis I hear jerking off to that wet fantasy of yours?”

I-I actually laughed at that. Damn, this chick has feisty!

“Aww, don’t worry, I’m sure that there’s a monster out there somewhere that’ll give you a pity fuck.”

Was-was she actually cussing out a muted human for all his shit?

“Better than being a closet monster sexual who loves getting fucked by his own dog to stimulate his closet fantasies.”

Quickly, I unmuted all the humans in chat, wantin’ to hear the other side of this thing.

“Better keep your filthy lying whore mouth shut before I put you down, you magic cum bucket!”

“Really? Cause, by the looks of it, you’d probably miss me a blank point range, or is that just when you’re on your knees, taking magical cum shots in the eye?”

I laughed hard. That was a fuckin’ good one!

“FUCK YOU!! I’ll kill your whole family, you…. YOU FREAK FUCKER!”

This chick had this guy on the fucking rope! Finally, it was good to hear him gettin’ what he fucking deserved!

“Bet your dad takes it at the same time up his dick and arsehole by a monster’s pity fuck. Like father, like son I guess.”

“NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY DAD LIKE THAT, YOU MONSTER SLUT!!”

And the piece of shit left the game in rage, instantly making my day better.

The game soon ended after that and the humans in the severe left to join other games, but I loitered around, looking at this chick’s details; JaneDough, with her icon being a book getting stabbed by a quill. Rolling my eyes, I sent along a friend request, sort of hoping to hear what she might say if she was actually pitted against someone like me? What might she do if I was the only trolling her?

Might be fun for a change.

After all, it would be just a bit of fun, and I was fuckin’ bored enough to give it a try.

* * *

  **Chapter 2**

JaneDough sure took her sweet time gettin’ back to me. I had just about forgotten her and returned to my previous opinions about this game (it fuckin’ sucked) when she accepted the request. Figurin' that I’d see just how far I could take this, I started up and sent along an invitation to Call of somethin’ or other match.

She accepted pretty quickly.

“hey there babe, you’re quite eager to lose, ain'tcha?”

“Shit talking already? That’s a sign of an early defeat.”

I chuckled at that; already five seconds in and already so aggressive.

Oh, this was going to be fun.

I normally didn’t bother tryin’ with these things (and forget about actual effort and wasting my magic), but for this chick, I think I’d gladly try.

After all, I couldn’t see how far I could push her if I let her win, could I?

A couple of other humans said some shit, but I quickly tuned them out as the match started and I hunted down JaneDough from my sniper nest.

Hapless human was still near her spawn point as I sniped her.

“believe that’s one-nothin babe.”

Nothing like pourin’ salt into the wound.

Another shitty spawn for her and a perfect shot from me, and I was well on my way to pissing her off.

“hun, look at that? two to nothin." I mocked, leaving my snipin’ spot.

If she was dumb enough to get sniped for a third time, she wasn’t worth playing against.

Luckily, I wasn’t countin’ on her being that big of an idiot.

“You cheater! You can’t count spawn kills.”

Ah, humans are such predictable morons that is was child’s play to rush her from the side she wasn’t expecting my shot and get an easy kill for myself.

“can I count that sweet tits?”

 _‘let’s see if that’s enough to break ya?’_ I thought, grinning in anticipation.

Apparently, it was, cause suddenly I’m playin’ against a totally different player. Not only could I not hear nothin’ come from her mic, but I watched as she killed other players left and right, always duckin’ and diving around.

I lost sight of her and had to actually go huntin’ for her, still determined to push her over with another kill.

My character was suddenly rushed, stabbed and killed, a gleeful laugh from her quickly queued me in who had done it.

“Hey Giant Dick. Is that just a name or is that envy speaking?”

_‘what the fuck she’s talkin’ about?’_

That was a very specific insult, and nothin’ I said to her should-.

And my character was just sniped, effectively closing the huge gap I was planning of winning this by.

Frowning, I asked "giant dick?"

She scoffed, "You do realise that you’ve called yourself Giant Dick, right?"

_‘what the- oh, ‘BigRed’. really fuckin’ mature.’_

"now who's envious?"

"What's that suppose to mean?" She stuttered, queueing me into a potential goldmine of news ways to come at her.

_‘best to test the water.’_

"just sounds like someone's making up for the fact they just don't have cojones."

My character was once again stabbed (her jumpin’ off the roof to kill me left her with barely any health, so that was fuckin’ dumb.), but I didn’t care as I listened to her scoff again, really letting me in on just how much affect I was having on her.

"Cojones? What are you, five?"

Some other humans started playing some stars-awful music, some sort of shitty love song or something, with other idoits “oooooooh-ing” in chat. I really couldn’t care less, but this chick actually snapped at the guy.

"Hey jerks! I don't know what type of fucked up relationships you have, but this isn't romantic!"

I chuckled quietly to myself, this chick was so close to breakin’, it was kinda funny that a crappy song might be what actually pushed her off the edge.

"What the hell are you laughing at?"

Still grinning, I sniped her characters and listened as she failed to keep back a splutter of barely held back anger and surprise.

"just laughin at how badly you suck right now, but I guess that's kind of your thing, right?"

"Ooooooooh!", went everyone else in the chatroom.

"You got lucky, no more screwing around." She said, tightly.

"i've been lucky all day then. speakin of screwin, am I gonna get lucky tonight sweet-tits?"

"Sure, just check in with your right hand Dick, she'll never say no to you."

I couldn’t help laughin’ at that, even if it cost me another death as we both rounded the same corner, endin’ up with me dead and the other humans to keep acting like idiots.

"you sure are feisty for a pair of tits."

"Sure am, just check your own, man-boobs."

I snickered at that, actually looking over at my bony hand on the mouse.

Grinning, I replied, "you have no idea tits."

Briefly, I wondered what her insults might actually be like if she did know what I looked like, but I quickly dropped that train of thought; I had already heard more than insults from idiotic morons insulting my race for no other reason than the fact they were fuckin’ scared and too gormless to admit it.

_‘should be scared, only thing keepin’ you humans alive is our king and the royal guard.’_

Distracted, she killed me as I was settin’ up a trap for her, further ruining my mood as she started gettin' cocky.

"Speaking of no clue, we're even now Dickhead. I'll even let you count your cheap kills."

 _‘dickhead? now, that’s just rude.’_ I grinned, starting to feel petty. _‘after all, it’s not like I call you tits….until right now, that is.’_

My grin broadened at that. Okay, I might actually be enjoyin’ this.

"You're mum's cheap." some rando said, causing the others to snicker.

That is, until some human came along and tried to ruin it, like fuckin’ normal.

Luckily, Tits seemed to agree with me.

“Really? You're going to say that and think you're clever? There was so much you could have done with that-"

"like 'that was a cheap-shot'.'"

"Or 'I know counting is hard for you.'"

"or 'you're pretty clueless, ain't chya'."

"But you had to go for the low hanging fruit. Aren't you special."

"speaking of special-"

The timing was too perfect as I watched her stupidly walk across a mine she obviously wasn’t payin’ attention to, dyin' just before I could snip her again, giving me the final point I needed to win this ‘friendly’ competition between us.

Honestly, I couldn’t say watch death would have better, but either way got me a perfect chance to gloat.

"i left a little something for ya."

"How the fuck?-"

"and i believe that's match to me."

I smiled as I imagined her staring in disbelief at the results of the match, feeling quite good about myself over actually beating her, unlike every other time where I honestly couldn’t give a shit.

She was actually fun to play against, and if I had damaged her pride well enough, I might actually get the chance to do it again.

Nothing made people more likely to respond than wounded pride.

"hey, if you ever feel like losin again, give me an invite, eh sweet tits?"

Then I left, leavin’ some chick on this planet to simmer in rage, all but guaranteed to make her demand a rematch one day…when I got around to it, of course.

It was good to let these types of things to shimmer, really let it boil into a true rivalry that should keep me entertained for a while.

Speaking of entertaining, I listened as my neighbour was yelling through the wall, soundin’ truly angry about something or other again.

Guess today was a good day after all.

* * *

  **Chapter 3**

Livin' on the surface wasn’t all that it had cracked up to be. Sure, my race was no longer in danger of dying out due to dwindlin' magic supplies, diminishing population numbers and our tendency to dust each other, but now we had to worry about the humans wipin' us out for good. Some fuckin' silver lining, eh?

Hee, of course, that wouldn’t happen without us takin' a whole lot of them out with us. All I knew was we weren’t going back into that fuckin' hole, so when the humans inevitably attacked, they had better make sure they made it a clean kill. Any move that left monster survivors would only get the humans blood-thirsty creatures with nothin' to lose. No restrictions, no one holding them back.

No mercy.

Things may be calmer now, but things were fuckin’ tense during those first months. The humans had not taken well to the fact that we existed at all, or that we appeared to have kidnapped a child that they thought we were usin' as a threat against them or somthin'. Back then, things had always titered on the edge of going sideways that it was kind of a miracle that any of us were actually still here, with no major deaths on either side. I can guess any number of things kept the human governments at bay, but meetings were called and terms were struck, leavin' both parties with a sour taste in their mouth, a good sign that the deals were at least fair. I wasn’t privy to those meetings, but I knew enough monsters to know the general gist of what the terms were; Asgore and Toriel would get seats of power in the human government, humans would give up developed land near Mt Ebott, cultural centers would be established that were designed to acclimatise us monsters to human laws and way of life, and monsters would have to abide by their laws. The only difference is, rather than face a human court of whatever, any monster dumb enough to break the laws and got caught, faced Undyne or King and Queen themselves.

Boss was still the head of the Royal Guard, and that kept him busy. Shitty side of that was he was expected to live by example. So that meant he had to live smack dab into human territory, right into the middle of a predominantly human neighbourhood where a monster could enjoy the shitty sights of the inner city and being the sights for gormless humans to gawk at, all the fuckin’ time. And guess who got roped into that shitty deal?

As for me, I was no longer required for patrol duty and Boss hadn’t wanted me in the Royal Guard, so I was left fuckin' out. Which really sucked for me because now I had to find a way to keep an eye out for the Boss without lettin’ em know, and not get paid while doing it, leaving me to cobble my remaining time doin' odd jobs just to earn enough money to just get by. Forget about fixin' that fuckin’ machine I had stashed back home in Snowdin, and it was all I could do to drag my sorry ass into Grillby’s and get gouged by the greedy prick as often as I could.

Who could blame me for avoiding this shit-hole of a place though? Monsters that could afford it (or that hadn’t been ordered here, like Boss had) stayed the hell out of this city for a reason. Humans were just as bad as monsters, perhaps worse because there wasn’t a proper code of conduct that kept you relatively safe, like it was for us monsters. Just their stupid laws and their attitude of ‘if I don’t get caught, it ain’t a crime’.

All the humans that lived here either avoided your eyes or muttered under their breaths, really tempting a guy like me to do somethin' about that. But then I’d have to deal with Boss, who wouldn’t take too kindly to the fact that my behaviour was questioning his capability of keepin' other monsters in control when I was both his brother and wearin' his leash.

Good thing I didn’t have look at the humans often then; short-cuttin' to wherever I wanted to go without havin' to bother to ‘getting to know the stupid neighbours.’ Work fuckin’ sucked because there was just no way to avoid them while working, but I could proudly claim I honestly didn’t know or care what any of these humans looked like who lived here, so that was somethin’.

The only good thing about this place was Boss was pretty good about lettin' me have a private space. So when I needed a place to crash, I teleported there. When I had a particularly shitty day, I blasted my music in there…when the next door bitch wasn’t cussin' and screaming at her mother or some shit. I probably would have done something about that if I actually gave a shit…and if hearing a human lose their absolute shit wasn’t cathartic in some way. Add my recent attempt to make life tolerable by investing a couple dollars of drinkin' money on shitty games, and my computer was quickly becoming my new way of killing time.

Killing time, that is, until tensions broke and someone, somewhere did something stupid. Then all hell would break loose and I could forget about this brief moment of relative peace.

Good while it last, eh?

* * *

  **Chapter 4**

Tits (aka- JaneDough) demanded a rematch, as I knew she would. She managed to beat me, but it did allow me a chance to demand my own rematch, which saw us eventually going backwards and forwards between matches for the past month. She was good, decent enough to warrant effort on my part, but I got pretty bored of the endless pattern of shooting and dodgin'. Certainly not mocking and gloating though, which quickly became my new favourite way to pass time as we exchanged quick and sharp remarks to each other during matches. I don’t know where this chick came from, but she cursed better than anyone I had ever met; Tits had a real mouth on her and she wasn’t shy about going there. When I told her I was just about done with Call of who cares, she suggested a different type of competitive game, so I wasted a bit more of my drinking money getting it. That game hadn’t sucked, so I asked about other types of games, where I discovered I had natural talent in some games over others (or rather, there were games where I could easily hand Tits’s her ass on a plate and other games she had mastered or somethin'.)

Eventually, she suggested a co-operative game in an off-handed way, and I figured why not, could be fun.

So now I was sitting at my computer, reading over the blurbs that were appearin' on the loading screen on some game she had suggested, trying to figure out what type of game I had just finished installin'.

"so the premise is to kill zombies and make it to the safe zones?"

"As a team, yes."

I laughed at that, "cause i'm sure i can depend on you."

"Better believe it meat shield, cause nobody can simply run through this and expect to live." Tits sighed, "It's called 'teamwork' dickhead, and you better not screw me on this."

"calm your tits, sweet-tits. i've seen you play when you get angry and you suck even more than usual when you do."

Nothing riled her up quite like implyin' she sucked at gaming.

"Can it, Shit-stain. The game keeps a tally of how much you suck. So boast while you can, the numbers won't lie."

Grinning, I had an idea and a theory I was interested in testing out. Namely, could Tits actually keep her mouth under control or was it basically impulsive at this point?

"we gonna make this interestin’ then?"

"Us playing on the same team is interesting, Dick."

"yea yea, i mean competitively tits."

She laughed, "You want to make a bet over a game you've never played before?"

I grinned, "come on, we both know that i'm the better gamer when it comes to shooters."

"What the fuck, since when dickhead? Is your ass jealous of all the shit that comes out your mouth?"

I actually slapped the side of my pelvis bone, grinning as I imagined what she might have said if she could have seen the action. "there's never been a finer ass than mine tits. hard as diamonds here."

"That's code for 'flabby as fuck'."

 _‘Oh if you only knew.’_ I laughed, "just listen for a second. how about the loser can't say anythin’ aggressive, they have to keep it clean and pleasant for each level."

"What, like forever?"

"pfft, fuck that. just until the end of the campaign."

She seemed to pause and consider it.

"So, when you lose this level, you have to be nice and don't swear?"

"tell you what, let's start the game with neither of us swearin' and see what happens."

"And what happens if someone swears?"

And a little push from me.

"just another thing i'm better than you at tits."

"Okay fu-trucker, let's get started. The person who kills the most zombies wins!"

And there we go.

"ha! too easy."I smirked at my screen, watchin' as we were finally loaded into the game.

My avatar was some chick, Tits had some guy, and already she was trying to explain basic video game shit to me like I wasn't already walkin' around the area, testing out the familiar set up of a typical shooter game.

"Okay, so you grab stuff here, make sure you're prepared and-."

"are you going to tell me how to play tits?"

"Fine jerk, grab the axe like a dumb…person."

I laughed, "best bet ever."

"Shut the fuc-...up yours!”

Oh my god, this might be the most fun I had with Tits up to date; handicapping her ability to express her anger! I wonder how far I could push this…wait, there are others playing? I walked over to them, reading their names, ‘CPU’.

Bots.

"are you serious, we have to play with two bots? god, it's gonna be like play with three of you."

"Hey, I'm trusting them a hell lot more than you, Mister I-Don’t-Need-No-Help-With-This-Game-I've-Never-Played-Before.”

I grinned, turning my character to face hers “it’s called natural skill and talent tits.”

“It’s called being a pompous cun-jerk.”

Snickerin', I walked down the stairway and entered the first floor, with Tits and the bots followin' from a distance.

I was keepin' my axe out, especially as the first zombies I hit with it crumpled faster than Temmie Flakes. So, figurin' I wanted to win this thing by an insulting mile (bonus points because this was my first time ever playing the game, a fact that I certainly going to be constantly bringin' up the moment I won this thing), I ran ahead and wiped out rooms of hapless zombies.

Tits nagged behind me, shootin' zombies in their single digits while every second swing of my axe saw zombies die in double digits. “You know you’re going to die if you keep rushing ahead, right?”

I scoffed, “this is too easy. where’s the challenge?”

Suddenly, a weird hunch back creature leapt onto my character, steering me into a room filled with zombies! I couldn’t attack or nothin'! What the fuck?! I thought this was supposed to be a zombie game! What the hell was up with this weird fuck!?!

“what the hell?!”

Tits took her sweet time getting to and getting free me, her tone immeasurable smug as she had the balls to actually lecture me as my character was still pickin' themselves up from the ground. “Oh, there are also special zombies who do special things like that. So, you know, watch out for that.”

“information like that would have been really helpful a few minutes ago.” I growled.

She gasped sarcastically, “But Dick, I thought you didn’t need my help.” She hammed it up, getting on my nerves, “Oh, what could a poor, not-good-at-video-games girl such as myself offer such a juggernaut expect like yourself?”

“some teamwork there tits.”

“He says without an apology.”

I rolled my eyes, “okay fine, i’m sorry that you feel like i owe you an apology.”

“And I'm sorry that I didn’t tell you about that smoker.”

“what’s a smoker?”

Suddenly, my character was once again grabbed by somethin' that was most defiantly not a fuckin' zombie! I was helpless to do anything as it dragged me right into another horde of zombies, leaving me watching my health dropping at an alarmin' rate.

Tits actually answered my question instead of saving me! “That’s a Smoker.”

“get it the fuck off me!”

“Score one to me for the swear bet, and I still didn’t hear an apology.”

Really?!

Oh my god, what a bitch!

“fuckin' hell, okay, i’m sorry. now get this thing off me!”

“Score two.”

Tits eventually saved me, her and the bots clearing out the room as I quickly healed myself. I could feel the smugness just oozing from her, really testing my resolve to hang around. Doing that, however, would be admittin' defeat to her, and I wasn’t quite ready to quit just yet.

I owed her for a few things now.

So I patiently listened and kept my tongue in check as she lectured me.

“See, there are special zombies that do different things and hordes of zombies that can be alerted. Each level has specific objectives and we need everyone to work as a team to get them done.”

“and how well do you know the levels?”

“Well enough that I can tell you what special zombies are close and what they do.”

That’s more than a little unfair towards me, but then what was I expectin'? This was her game recommendation, after all.

“that’s useful.”

“Yes, it is. If only SOMEONE had listened, then SOMEONE wouldn’t be wasting a med-pack and-.“

I snapped, “okay! i fuckin'get it.”

“Score three.”

I swung at her, feelin' better as I saw her character lose a bit of life. Good! Then it might be her turn asking me for help, with me, leisurely taking my fuckin' time!

“Hey!”

“you deserved that. don’t even pretend that you don’t.”

“Point taken.”

Rolling my eyes, I switched over to a gun, “what’s the point of an axe then?”

“They’re pretty good at close range. You know, thinning a zombie horde? Not so good with the specials though.”

“oh.” I switched back to the axe, glad that I was at least right about using it over a gun.

“What are you doing?”

“if this is a competition to see who can kill the most zombies, then i was right in the first place. you warn me about any specials and i’ll kill the most zombies, winning our bet.”

“You know that plan has a really high chance of you dying, right?”

“ehh” It also had a very high chance of me winning this round. Then we’d see who was laughing without their precious swears.

“Okay then, just as long as we’re both on the same page.”

We continued through the apartments, taking out somethin' she called a Charger, then a Boomer, with lots of random zombies sprinkled throughout. I found a chainsaw, chuckling to myself at the absurdity of human violence. Monsters didn’t bother making their kills all flashy. A kill was a kill; anything more than that was just showin' off how much power and magic you were wastin', basically an invitation to other monsters to get ya when you were weak.

“humans and their proclivity towards gratuitous gore.” I snickered as we rode the elevator down.

“You’re the one wielding the chainsaw buddy.”

“yea yea.”

The elevator opened and a zombie horde was alerted. I immediately ran forward, mowing down zombies left and right. Tits stayed back, like a coward, taking out the zombies that got too close to the rest of the group and the ones I couldn’t be bothered chasing.

“hey, this is actually fun.” I admitted, kinda enjoying workin' with a human for once.

“What, mowing down zombies?”

“that’s a plus, but i meant working as a team.”

She laughed, “You serious?”

“yep, why, you’re not havin' fun?”

She laughed, but it was obviously fake. “I always have fun beating you in a new game.”

I smiled smugly, “yea, you’re havin fun.”

“Am not!” She blurted out, like a child.

While I was havin' a good laugh at just how immature she apparently was, she took a couple of shots at my character, very much proving my point.

Rolling my eyes, I asked, “after you’ve had your little tantrum, maybe you can answer a few questions?”

“Such as?”

“well, how many levels does this game have, will we get it done today?”

She chuckled smugly, “I'm good, but with you slowing me down, there’s no way we can get this done today.”

Oh, so that’s how she was going to play this?

Rolling my eyes, I continued, “okay mrs insecurity, how about we finish this game tomorrow then?”

"I-I actually won't be able to play tomorrow, I'm going out.”

I gasped sarcastically, "that's a shock; you're actually gonna leave the house?"

"F you, I leave the house all the time for work and you know it.”

I smirked, both enjoyin' her obvious struggle to keep from swearin' and remembering all the times she bitched about work when she was having a particularly shitty day. I certainly didn’t help by aggravating her further, but then, I didn’t particularly care to.

"yea, but this time it's by choice. as in you're actually choosing to leave. willingly. i figured you were just a society shut-out with no physical interactions with other people."

Now I was just purposely antagonisin' her, wonderin' just how long it would take her to swear.

"I'll have you know that I'm actually meeting up someone."

Shock, this angry chick was actually capable of knowin' people in person. Briefly, I wondered what she’d be like in person, grinning at the mental image that her work involved somewhere you absolutely couldn’t swear. Like workin' with children or some shit.

What the hell was she like in a social situation?

"and how much rope did you use to keep them there?"

"Fuck you!"

I beamed, feeling proud "score one to me. but seriously, i'm honestly shocked. who knew you had enough people skills to actually maintain a conversation with a person long enough to arrange a date.”

“Up your's jerk. Bet your social skills aren’t much better in person.”

_‘Oh, I can fake it well enough human.’_

“better than your sweet-tits.”

“Our swearing tally disagrees with that assumption.”

I laughed, like that tally wasn’t about to dramatically change by the end of this thing. “yea yea, a few specials caught me by surprise and i swore in the moment. i guarantee by the end of the game, i’ll win more rounds and you won’t be able to help yourself.”

“You’re pretty confident for the assssuming guy who’s never played this game.”

“ha! see, right there is what i’m talking about.” My character turned to hers, swinging the axe at a distance, “we’ll see who’s killed the most zombies by the end of this round, won't we?”

~*~

I won by 7 kills, winnin' the first round and really rubbing her face in the fact that I hadn’t even played this game before. She hadn’t even started the next round before I got her to swear, further aggravatin' her when it was eventually my turn to keep from swearin' and I was more than capable of keeping myself in check. I had no clue what she did in her real life, but I doubted it required great restraint. No way she would be able to hold a job if it required no swearin', not if her performance during out bet was anything to go on.

* * *

  **Chapter 5**

“Hey, Corpse Fucker!”

I lifted my head from my hotdog stand I set up in some park to see some human glarin' at me, holdin' a dog he had just bought from me, already missing a bite. I kinda guess he was looking for trouble when I served him, but it was still nice I could be right about just how much of an asshole he planned to be.

_‘whelp, here we go.’_

The human’s face with twisted in loathing, but it was the sly grin I was watchin' as he yelled at me, projecting his voice, “Mind telling me why there are rat faeces in my fucking hotdog?!”

I shrugged, watchin' as more humans stopped and stared. Eyeing them, they didn’t appear inclined to join in with this asshole, but that could soon change.

_‘better shut this down quickly then.’_

“what you put on your hotdog after yer buy them from me isn’t any of my business.”

“Bullshit! I bought it from you like this!” The human shoved the dog in my face, pointing to somethin' brown resting on the meat, away from the missing bite. Obviously, I didn’t add that to his dog, but meeting humans like this day in and day out sure tempted a monster to consider doing somethin' like that.

Sighing, I pushed myself away from my stand and asked, “okay buddy, what do you want?”

The human threw aside the dog, folding his arms as he continued to yell at me, “I want is for you to admit you’re trying to kill humans by posing us with your filthy monster food, you animal fucker!”

_‘ah, basically another, ‘get out of our city, monster’ human. at least it’s not a shakedown.’_

The human leaned closer, lowerin' his voice, “Or, you can give me my money back…plus everything else you have to prove you’re really sorry about your disgusting shit.”

_‘scratch that; this guy’s the complete prick package.’_

I could feel my anger boil my marrow, but I figured I’d give this dumb shit a chance to take it back. Letting my magic flow freely from my eye, I grinned at the prick, who took a step back, “you really sure you want to do this pal?”

The prick held his ground, his confidence a facade as he eyes quickly flittered around, notin' just how alone he was even as other humans watched him, “Yo-you don’t scare me demon! You-you're not allowed t-to use ma-magic in the fucking public!”

Grabbing this prick’s soul, I forced him to his knees, causin' him to scream in surprise before I clamped his jaw shut with my magic. Lookin' around, I saw many humans scatter, with the rest quickly pulling out their phones. Rolling my eyes in frustration, I grabbed and pulled their phones away from them with my other hand controllin' my magic, dumping them into the nearby water fountain.

The last thing I needed was this getting back to Boss. Luckily, none of the human onlookers were dumb enough to go for their phone, instead, fleein' the area as well, leavin' it just me and the prick.

Still, I was sure I was missin' some sneaky bastard and their fuckin' camera, so I turned sharply back to the prick, watchin' as he tried to squirm away from my magic. Checking him, I confirmed what I already guessed; prick had an unusually high amount of LoVe, no EXP.

“you like talkin' a big game, eh pal?” I asked, walking over to the hotdog he threw to the ground and pickin' it up, before walking back to watch as the prick’s eyes followed the dog in my hand. I toyed with the idea of shovin' this, and every dog I had down his fuckin’ throat, but doin’ that would waste my profits.

Thinking of something better, I smiled wickedly, walkin' back over to my stand, lifted the lid and dug around while talkin' to the prick, “whelp, i guess the right thing for me to do is apologise that you didn’t enjoy your toppin' and see what else i can give ya.”

Grinning, I found the bottle of hot sauce I was lookin' for, bringing it out with a flourish, “perhaps this is more your speed?”

The prick’s struggles to escape increased as I came walking over to him, slatherin' the hotdog and emptyin' the entire bottle in the process. Holding him in my grasp, I forced his head back, popping his jaw wide and held it open as his tongue (under my control), failed to let him properly form the screams and pleas I knew he’d be otherwise makin'.

“what’s that pal? speak up. are yer sayin’ no don’t want this? that yer apologisin'?”

His waggles and gargles increased in fervour.

Dropping the now empty hot sauce bottle to the side and listenin' to it clatter and bounce away on the paved ground, I stood back and actually considered let em go. I was fairly certain that my point had been made by now…but then I would have wasted an entire bottle of hot sauce for the guy, and it would be rude to charge him without givin' him what he’s about to pay for.

Placing my other hand on the guy's forehead and starin' into his eyes, I grinned as I quickly forced the entire hotdog down his throat, whole. “ _bone-_ appetit there pal.”

Once I saw the dog clear his front teeth, I dropped him, releasin' him for my magic. The prick immediately dropped to his hands, chockin' through tears, drool and snot. Eventually, he managed to cough up the dog in chunks, the pieces in front of him covered in saliva and mucus.

Before he even thought about running away, I grabbed the back of his neck, keeping him staring at the pieces. “eat it.” I growled.

Still strugglin' for breath, the prick scooped up and scoffed down the pieces, his hands and body shaking the entire time.

Feeling very satisfied, I pulled and pushed him back, making him land on his backside. Before he could get very far, I was crouchin' before him, reachin' in and grabbing his wallet.

Haven taken what I wanted, I chucked back his wallet and said “that’ll be all your money and your tear-stained, snot-covered face never showin' up here again.” My smile slipped, “understand pal?”

He nodded very quickly, fleeing the moment I stood and walked back to my stand, trippin' over his feet as he fleed.

Growling, I began regretting my actions, thinkin' of how this place had been a goldmine for selling hotdogs. One prick, one very satisfying act and now I had just lost it. I’d have to hang low and keep away from the place for a while. Fall back on the other ways I could make money, but requiring more effort.

*cling*

Expecting more bad news, I opened and read over Boss’s text message, somethin' about inviting over our human neighbour for lasagne and ridicule, and how I had better be there.

“great, now on top of everythin' else, not only does my brother want to get to know our human neighbour better and invitin' them into my house, but now i’ve got to find somewhere to kill time for the rest of the fuckin’ night! why the fuck is this shit always happenin’ to me?!”

~*~

After putting away my temporary useless hotdog stand, I managed to kill a couple of hours by teleportin' into a cinema for a ‘free’ movie, quickly falling asleep as one human blubbered to the other human about somethin' or other. Actually, I think I managed to sleep through several movies cause the sky had gone from a bright midday to dusk in a shorter time than I remember that taking. Not enough time had passed for me to be safe from having to share the neighbour’s fate at Boss’s lasagne's hands, but way too fucking late to escape Boss’s wrath for being late by claimin' some shit about roads being busy or somethin'.

Growling, I teleported to Grillby’s, with less money I would have had if that prick hadn’t gotten involved, but happy to spend his money anyway.

Grillby had made it clear that, under no circumstances, was I ever to teleport directly inside his bar. Which was fuckin' annoying for me because the use of magic in public was banned, unless in the most serious of circumstances. I doubt Undyne wouldn’t dust me if I claimed server dehydration was the reason for poppin' into thin air in front of the bar, so I was forced to teleport in the shitty ally-way, griming up my shoes in the process, which would only piss off the Boss if I forgot to take care of them before walking around in our apartment.

Not really carin' about that now and looking forward to not carin' about anything soon, I walked out of the ally-way and into the bar.

Immediately, all eyes focused on me; the collar at my neck both the reason that almost everyone here wanted me dead and the reason why I was untouchable. Cocky, I grinned and punned my way to my usual seat, pretendin' I didn’t care about the target at my back.

Grillby, the purple flame greedy bastard, waited for me at the bar, one of the few monsters who generally didn’t give a fuck about who ya were related to, only how much money you owed him.

Speakin' of which, he stood in front of me, expectantly, cleanin' his precious crystal glasses methodically with the spotless towel of his.

“easy up grillby, i’ve had a rather shitty day.”

The flame monster scoffed, tossing the towel over his shoulder as he stared down at me.

Rollin' my eyes, I opened up my wallet and brought out all the money that prick had given me for his perfect dog, tossing the lump of notes onto Grillby’s spotless bar. We monster may have had to convert our gold into this shitty human paper-money system, but money was still money to monsters like Grillby who, if rumours were to believed, was all that remained of a dragon who died defendin' its pile of gold long ago.

One good thing about the time I was now spendin' on my computer was how much better I was at payin' off my tab due to what I saved by not being here so much, makin' Grillby back off slightly when I walked in. Now he’d just take the money I threw at him without holding his hand out for more.

Grillby picked up the lump of money, lookin' at the notes carefully.

“what, you think i’m counterfeiting money now?”

“Wouldn’t put it past you Sans.” The flame monster tucked the money into his apron, starin' me down over the rims of his glasses, “You’ve always been renowned for making easy money, very quickly.”

“if that’s the bitchy bratty and catty sayin' that i’m whorin' myself out to humans again, you let them know i’ll be seeing them soon to correct their very wrong assumptions, violently.” I leaned forward restin' my head on my hand as I winked at Grillby, “but for you, hot stuff, i’ll gladly take you to the _bone_ zone.”

Grillby puffed out blue flames, his wicked sharp grin curlin' into a wide, seductive smile. Trailin' a finger along his bar, slightly scorching it, he blew the smoke from the smoulderin' wood over towards me, saying, “Smoking is hazardous to your health Sans. Be careful I don’t kill you with my looks alone.”

We stared heatedly into each other's eyes, before we both broke out laughin', me banging the table and him cracklin' happily like a fireplace. After a while, I wiped the tear from the corner of my eye, sighin', “you know, one of these days we’re just going have to fuck and get it over and done with.”

Grillby scoffed, bendin' down and organising things I couldn’t see from where I was sitting. “You’d never be able to afford me.”

“i thought we were talking about you paying me?”

“You? You’re cheap.” He stood up with a bottle of his prime mustard and poured me a glass of his patented fire rum, pushing both of these things over to me.

Eagerly, I grabbed and helped myself to a mouthful of the best mustard anyone anywhere had ever made. “okay grillby, you’ve made your point. for these things, i think there’s little i wouldn’t do to get my hands on them.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Purred Grillby, turnin' to leave, leavin' me smirkin' behind his back. Before he walked away, however, he called back, “And that’s all going on your tab Sans.”

Smiling, I grabbed the fire rum, toasted him, and took a swig, enjoying the burning sensation that quickly engulfed all my bones.

Sometimes life wasn’t so shitty after all.

~*~

I was a bit buzzed when I got home, but I knew better than to come home sloshed.

Especially tonight, after purposely ignorin' Boss.

Still, I had a much better time than I would have otherwise had watching a human blatantly insult my brother and tryin' to keep from killing them myself. At least if Boss killed them, he couldn’t give me shit about my temper, but a dead neighbour was still a lot hassle for both of us, and hassle for the Boss always meant additional shit for me.

When I walked through the front door and kicked off my shoes over by the door, all proper like, I was expectin' to see smashed furniture, human blood and a seething brother, screamin' about humans lack of manners or some shit.

So I was more than shocked to actually see him smilin', humming to himself in the kitchen.

When he heard me come in, even his scowl was softer, as he threw the sponge he’d been usin' to scrub the dishes back into the sink, before turning to face me.

“AND WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!”

I shrugged, knowin' that there was no answer that gets me out of this, so I just skipped it. “sorry boss.”

He glared at me for a long moment, makin' me squirm under his gaze as I watched him debate whether or not I deserved punishment. Evidently, whatever had lifted his spirits kept him in a generous mood, as he only scoffed and returned to his cleaning.

“WELL, YOU MISSED OUT ON MEETING OUR PATHETIC NEIGHBOUR AND WATCHING HER CRY AFTER TASTING THE PERFECTION THAT IS MY COOKING.”

I said nothin’. I knew better than to say anything here because there was no way I was risking eatin' his shit cookin'. I’d rather eat that spicy turd dog I forced prick to eat than swallow one mouthful of his lasagne.

Looking around, I tried seeing if there were any signs that would tell me where Boss might be hidin' a body, replying to Boss as I did so. “bet she’s never tasted anything like your cooking before.”

Boss grinned, makin' me happy to see him happy, “BUT OF COURSE! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER FLEE OUR HOME! SHE WAS SO DESPERATE TO HAVE SOME OF MY PERFECT COOKING THAT SHE EVEN KEPT EATING IT DESPITE HER ALLERGIES TO VINEGAR!”

 _‘so she left the apartment?’_ I shrugged, dumpin' myself onto the couch. At least that meant she left in time to get medical help or something, which meant she lived.

 _‘good,’_ I thought, lookin' over at Boss as he finished with his cleanin', _‘a dead human would have just been a pain to deal with.’_

“shame about her allergies then.” I eyed him as he sat next to me, hummin' in delight, “you seem really happy. was she at least polite to ya?”

“OH SANS, SHE WASN’T JUST POLITE, SHE WAS IN AWE OF MY SPLENDOUR (HOW IT SHOULD BE, OF COURSE!), HER EYES FILLED IN WONDER AS SHE TOOK IN OUR HOME, HER STOMACH ACTUALLY GROWLING OUT IN DESPERATION FOR MY COOKING! FINALLY, A HUMAN THAT UNDERSTANDS PROPER RESPECT!”

I highly doubted that was the case, but if it made Papyrus happy, then I’d happily support him playin' with this human till he broke them. I wonder how long it’d take till she moved?

Leanin' back, I grinned lazily at my brother, “sounds like we should have her over again. maybe you could figure out a lasagne that doesn’t involve vinegar?”

“OR I CAN SLOWLY BUILD UP HER TOLERANCE TO IT, THEREBY TOUGHENING HER STOMACH SO SHE CAN PROPERLY ENJOY THE PERFECTION THAT IS MY LASAGNE!” Suddenly, a thought occurred to him, because he sprung from the couch and dashed into the kitchen, yellin' back, “SANS! YOU HAVE TO SEE WHAT SHE THINKS LASAGNE IS! THE GARBAGE SHE ACTUALLY BROUGHT OVER! IT WAS RATHER SAD TO SEE HER PITIFULLY BRINGING IN HER DISH, THE LOOK ON HER FACE JUST SCREAMING THAT SHE ALREADY KNEW SHE FAILED!”

Beamin', he brought over a plate with somethin' that looked how lasagne looked like in movies and books. Impulsively, my stomach twisted; this could be the best fucking lasagne in the fuckin' whole world and I still wouldn’t want to eat it. A lifetime of stomachin' Boss’s cookin' and trying to keep from throwing up had all but destroyed any ability to look at a plate of the stuff and think ‘food’, and not ‘torture’.

Still, Boss was watching me intently, so reluctantly, I served myself a small fork-full, eatin' it quickly.

It…it wasn’t half bad. Edible, and that was the highest praise I’d ever give to lasagne at this point. If Boss could cook like this, then I wouldn’t be duckin' out the house every time I saw so much as a tomato in the kitchen.

Yet I knew what Boss was lookin' for, so I twisted up my face, spittin' the mouthful onto my hand. “oh my god, that’s rancid!”

“SANS! THAT IS DISGUSTING! DISPOSE OF THAT FILTH PROPERLY AND SCRUB YOUR HANDS!”

I did so without complaint, noting pleasantly how smug he was, even as he followed me into the kitchen.

“I, OF COURSE, KNEW IT WOULD BE DISGUSTING (IT LACKS VINEGAR, A VITAL INGREDIENT!), BUT EVEN I UNDERESTIMATED JUST HOW APPALLING IT WOULD BE! I THINK I ALMOST GAGGED WHEN I HAD SOME MYSELF! NYHA HA HA!”

I had often wondered about my brother and that ‘refined’ taste he was always boasting about. Any other food and he’d never accept such an inedible meal. But take him out to a restaurant and stars forbid if he ordered lasagne, and just watch him make a big fuss. It didn’t keep him from eating it though, claiming it’d be a waste of money otherwise, but I knew better; he enjoyed a properly cooked lasagne just like the rest of us.

At this point, it was either an ego thing or he had actually trained himself to enjoy his own cookin', and I honestly couldn’t say which was worse.

With my hands now cleaned, I pointed to the cooking tray that wasn’t ours “what me to return this to her?” I asked.  I had no idea where her lasagne had gone (as I highly doubted it was eaten during ‘dinner’), but I knew better than to ask.

Boss waved his hand dismissively, his fun endin', along with his enjoyment, “YES, YES. LEAVE A NOTE WITH IT THAT TELLS HER SHE HAS BEEN DEEMED WORTHY OF ANOTHER CHANCE TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY AMAZING SELF….WHEN I CHOOSE TO, OF COURSE. LET HER KNOW THAT HER PITIFUL FOOD HAS PROPERLY DISPOSED OF AND HER RUDE, ABRUPT DEPARTURE HAS BEEN ALREADY FORGIVEN BY MYSELF AND THAT I HAVE SO GRACIOUSLY CLEANED HER TRAY, TO WHICH I WILL BE EXPECTING ENDLESS THANKS, OF COURSE.”

I didn’t plan to remember or write any of that, so I nodded, grabbed a notepad and a pen as I walked outside, making up something as I wrote a note for her to read whenever she bothered to open the door, leavin' it resting in the tray.

I had no clue what happened that evening or how it played out, but I highly doubted it went well for her. Honestly, didn’t care; I was just happy to see Boss so happy.

* * *

  **Chapter 6**

Icin' on the cake was that Tits had managed to crack her tooth, giving her voice a mumbled, almost slurred speech pattern as she flat out refused to tell me what happened. Of course, hearing that only made me want to know more. Nobody wasted time keepin' secret how they got an injury unless it was really embarrassin'.

“come on, just tell me already tits.”

“Fuck off Dick.”

Ignoring that, life was goin' pretty good for me recently. Boss was happy and distracted as he tried to entice the neighbour back over (unsuccessfully), Grillby was startin' to let me add more things to my tab without much fuss, Tits was miserable.

Yep, life was going pretty good over these past months.

Tits and I had fallen into a weird, oddly comfortable relationship where antagonisin' each other was, strangely enough, appealing. It was sort of like we complained to each other and used the other one to work off our aggressions through competitive games and gloating. It had been many months since I first heard Tits go off at some guy, and things had certainly changed since then. Not only were we still talkin', but we both actually made sure to log in on Fridays a thing we did, and we didn’t always have a game actin' as a buffer between us. Sometimes we’d watch somethin' stupid she thought was funny, sometimes we’d be doing our own thing, hardly talking at all, yet not feeling compelled to.

Take right now, where I could hear her scrollin' through something or other while I was playin' an underwater-survival game on mute.

Breaking the silence, Tits said idly “Another riot at town hall over monster rights again.”

I scoffed, “those idiots think they’ll be able to change anything by rioting.”

Yeah, we monsters were always gettin' shafted by humans and their ‘exception’ laws again, but if monsters really expected things to change because they were yellin' outside some building, then things were really deteriorating for us monsters. Whatever happened to the good old days of threat and violence? At the very least, they should be trying to use the humans’ greed against them. Cause really, that was the only way things were going to change.

“I dunno, I feel kinda sorry for them.”

That surprised me, “who?”

“The monsters.”

I stilled. This was the first time she had ever let herself open to anythin' remotely pollical and I had no idea what her opinion was or how I would handle knowin' it. I was guessin' she was human, almost fairly certain at this point, so there was a good chance she was a bigot. I mean, she hadn’t said anything of the sort, but how would I handle knowin' what was going through her mind if she was? All her smartass comments about monsters had always been clever and tastefully, but I didn’t think I could hear them now knowin' what she really thought about monsters.

About me.

She coughed, “Are we really going to talk about this?”

“dunno, seeing as you’re the one who brought it up.” I snapped, irritated that somethin' else I had found in life was about to go to shit.

Cautiously, she replied, “We don’t have to. We can pretend that I never said shit and try this again tomorrow.”

I thought about it.

She was givin' us an out, to pretend this never happened and would probably make sure to keep monsters out of our conversations from now on, makin' it somethin' we just didn’t go there with. That actually pissed me off. I didn’t want to talk to someone who was purposely censoring themselves, to have our usual colourful conversations come to a halt just because some mentioned a tentacle or somethin'.

Besides, there would always be lingerin' doubts in my mind now, always making me second guess and over analyse everything she’d say. No matter what her answer could be, me not getting it right now would basically kill whatever this was over the long run.

_‘better make it a quick death then, and get this over with.’_

I growled quietly to myself, before pushin' on through clenched teeth and quittin' my game, “nah, i want to hear your opinion on monster rights. right now.”

She swallowed loudly, replyin' slowly and carefully, “I believe that monsters should have all the rights that humans have.”

I stared in disbelief at my screen for a long time, before I scowled at her icon. That, was the biggest pile of shit I had ever heard.

_‘time to test that.’_

“what about the soul-stealing?” I asked, more than knowing what humans really thought about us and their arguing points. I had more than plenty of them screamin' shit like that at me.

She forced a laugh, “Not concerned. You’ve got to have a soul before anyone can steal it.”

I waited for her real answer.

Eventually, she sighed heavily, “I’m far more likely to get got by accident than murder, let alone actually meeting a monster who’d bother with my soul. Yet you won’t see me padding down my place.”

That….that was an honest and rational answer.

Okay, next fucking bigot point.

“and the magic?”

“I’m actually jealous that monsters have magic. It'd be cool to summon fire or ice whenever I wanted to.”

I chuckled before I could help myself, laughing at her unintentional pun. Pushin' through, I asked, “cool? you’re not concerned about a monster using its abilities against you?”

“Well, sure I’m concerned. I’d also be concerned if a guy stood in front of me with a knife or gun. Doesn’t mean that all people with knives or guns are bad or whatever. Dude, it’s entirely situational.”

….Another fair answer. Maybe she really didn’t have a problem with monsters?

“so you’re telling me that you have absolutely no problems with monsters?”

Now it was her turn for a long pause.

“Nooo,” She said slowly, “but then, I don’t really know any monsters personally.” She laughed, “Although, I suspect that you’re actually a monster.”

I hissed before I could help myself, actually putting a hand to my mouth.

She- she actually believed that I’ve been a monster this whole time and she had been fine with that? No questions needin' to confirm that; she had just rolled along with it, more or less indifferent to the fact. Hell, she hadn’t even curbed her jokes or insults against monsters, unafraid and nonchalant to the idea that a big bad monster might hunt her down for it.

Of course, she didn’t know know, only suspected, so perhaps I was making a bigger deal out of this than she ever did.

“does it matter?” I asked.

“Nope, you’re still a giant dick, no matter what species you are.” She snickered, “Literal. I’ve always figured that you were a monster who was just a big, walking penis, shit-talking everything and everyone who met your one eye.”

She burst out laughin' while I stated dumbly at my screen, shocked that she had just confirmed I was a monster, and then actually had the balls to imply I was some sort of an actual dick monster, right to my fucking face too.

All the times she called me Dick….had-had she been thinkin' I was a literal dick staring at a screen?! Probably not, but that mental image had me laughin' so hard that it was all I could do to remain at my desk, banging my desk instead of sliding to the floor in tears.

I had never been happier to be insulted for being a monster in all my life!

“you have *snicker* you have zero tack, you know that?”

“And you love it.”

 _‘you have no idea tits.’_ I grinned, still snickin'.

* * *

  **Chapter 7**

"A drinking game?"

"yep."

I had been dyin' to know where this chick lived, where in the world humans were so cool with monsters. I didn’t know what I would do once I found out, but it probably involved a holiday and seeing if I couldn’t arrange to ‘accidentally’ meet Tits in person.

I knew she was human and a female. If I had an ear of human dialect, I could probably have narrowed it further, but she sounded just like all the other humans around me, so perhaps those different accents came down to personal preference or somethin'.

So instead, I figured I could probably get her to let somethin' slip if I got her a little tipsy, and I was actually curious to see what kind of drunk she’d be. But first, I had to get her to agree.

“Okay, so what do you have in mind?”

“somethin' dirty and X-rated” I purred, unable to help myself. I’d be lyin' if I said I wouldn’t take a good look at her when I finally met her, but I mostly flirted with her because she always had fun reactions.

“You can watch porn and jack-off when I’m not online Dick. Or is that your subtle way of telling to fuck off so you can enjoy a romantic evening with your hand?”

See? Just like that.

“i’d much rather enjoy it with you, tits.”

“Don’t make me think of a monster sitting at his computer, pant-less.”

I gave a barking laugh, kinda pleased that’s where her mind went, “and before i’ve had a chance to get you drunk? dirty girl.”

“Look, you can sweet talk me all night or you can tell me this fucking idea of yours before I get bored and fall asleep, face-first on the keyboard.”

I chuckled, “okay, okay. so, get yourself somthin' strong and we play our honeymoon game, call of duty, taking shots after each death.”

“What's the catch?” she asked suspiciously.

Rollin' my eyes, I scoffed, “what, you’ve never done anything fun just for the hell of it.”

She probably knew why I was suggesting this; she was just invested at gettin' me to reveal what sort of monster I was as I was about her letting slip more info about herself, now that we had confirmed our races. Trying to get the other to slip up and give the other more information had become our new favourite game.

However, she was obviously paranoid and suspecting a trap, so I figured she could do with a push.

“yer scared lightweight?”

“Fuck you! Getting a bottle right now.”

I raised my fire rum to the screen, happy to see the game start. “all ready to go sweet-tits.”

She just loved that name.

I could hear her bangin' around in the background, fetchin' something or other. Meanwhile, I was preparin' to use my magic to sharpen my reflexes and reaction time. Drinkin' while doing that always got me such a fuckin' headache the following day, so I knew I had to be careful to not go full out, but try to keep Tits feeling like she had a shot at winnin' this. She wasn’t a quitter, but I didn’t want to run the risk of her gettin' disheartened and callin' it a night earlier either.

Eventually, I could hear the rustlin' coming from her microphone as she most like put back on her gaming headset, before calling out, “Okay, I’m back.”

“took you long enough. What’cya grab?”

“Um... nail polish remover. You?”

I laughed, looking over at my fire rum, “mouthwash.”

“Well, at least there’s one thing to be grateful for.”

_‘Hee, what a bitch.’_

~*~

Tits was a lightweight. A wonderful, talkative lightweight who apparently didn’t know what her alcohol tolerance was because it didn’t take long for her to go from tipsy to this.

“Okay, so the orange juice was stronger than I expected and I died more often than I care to admit, but I had stopped caring about either of those things hours ago.”

She honestly hadn’t realised she been saying stuff aloud this whole time, slurrin' her words. I had a notebook open with a few notes I’d written for later use, but so far I was really strugglin' getting her to focus, to give me some actual useful info. Plenty of things to mock her later on, but nothin' to pin her…yet.

Still, with my own slight buzz from my fire rum, I was really enjoying toyin' with Tits like this. Even if I wasn’t invested in getting info out of her, I would happily enjoy doin' this again sometime. Maybe I’d even cue her in about taking it easy with the drinks?

…nah, she was way too fun like this.

"it hasn't been hours tits." I grinned at my screen.

“And apparently Dick can read my mind! Cause he's a monster and a dick!”

I sighed, "yes, i can read your mind." I chuckled, "and no, that's not what a monster's dick looks like."

She gasped, "How do you know what I was thinking?! Hmm?!"

"oh sweet stars, you were actually thinking about that!" I laughed. That had been nothin' but a wild stab in the dark for me, and I had been prepared to play off her denial to aggravate her. Stars above, she was so much fun like this!

"Shut off your stupid laugh, with your deep, sexy voice."

"sexy voice?"

H-had she just called my voice sexy? I had plenty of monsters saying that my voice sounded like a surly rock trying to speak, but never had anyone say they like hearing me talk, let alone found it attractive.

D-did she find my voice sexually appealing?!

I found the idea of that being true strangely pleasin'.

"Don't change the subject! How do you know what a monster's dick looks like, hmm?!"

I rolled my eyes, "cause when i look down, i see one. jeez tits, you get stupid when you're drunk."

She had to know that, right? Know that monsters had dicks, just like any human male? If she didn’t, boy was she in for a surprise when I finally met her! I could practically see the horror and flushed embarrassment as I threatened to pull down my pants, right in front of her, to prove I wasn’t lyin’.

Oh, how I hoped she was the type to just flush in embarrassment! So cute.

"I am not drunk, and I'm not stupid! For all I know, monsters don't have dicks and you're a female."

I laughed hard at that, "what, this voice and the nickname 'dick' didn't give it away?"

"That don't prove shit! Everyone knows all the guys on the internet are actually women!"

Again, I laughed at her absurd notion about how she thought the world worked when she was like this, but I was far more interested in hearin' her explain her opinion about my voice.

So I made sure to lay it on thick as I asked, "so, what about my voice do you find sexy?"

"I don't know! Why you're asking me?"

"you just said-"

"I don't get it! I killed you more and you're acting like you've barely had any!! What are you drinking, water!?"

Sighing in frustration, I looked over at my fire rum as another random thought of hers derailed our conversation yet again. "got me a nice bottle of the finest fire rum, right here."

"Prove it!"

Rollin' my eyes, I quickly took a photo of my bottle half gone, making sure our abandoned game was in the shot to prove it was legit, and keepin' my hand out of the shot as well, check it before sendin' it to her

No need to clue her what type of monster I was. Not when I sort of planned to reveal that in person.

"That could be anyone!" she cried out, obviously still suspicious.

But I had done what she asked, so…

"come on tits, your turn."

"You calling me a liar!"

"yep." I grinned.

She was bound to make a mistake, especially when she was like this. A picture that would show me what time of day it was for her, something in the background perhaps. Maybe she'd take a photo of her face, or a bit of her hair colour or-

Or a picture of her side-boob and cleavage.

"Suck on that and fuck you."

I chuckled to myself as I kept lookin' at her picture, already realisin' that she hadn’t actually looked at the photo before sending it.

"so you're a girl after all." I stated, waiting for her to realise what she had just done.

"Of course I am, why didja say that for?"

I purred, "your boob is in the shot."

"My boob?"

There was stunned silence, then I could just feel the instant regret and embarrassment just pourin' in through my headphones.

"Oh fuck me" She groaned.

"gladly" A quick messin' around with her profile pic for me, and I now had new, wonderful picture to stare at everytime we talked from now on, "and guess who has a new profile picture for you."

Suddenly, her microphone had a rushin', wind sound, a plastic-crushing sound that lasted for less than a second before chat was telling me that Tita had left the conversation.

Roarin' in laughter, I pictured that, where she was, Tits had just thrown her headphone at some wall on this planet, and if that just wasn’t the perfect way to end this game and night.

~*~

"good morning tits."

She groaned wearily, obviously still hung over, the quality of her audio a lot worse than it had ever been "What's so good about it?"

"just wondering what this dick can say to you that won't make you cum on the spot." I grinned, trying to guess how much she remembered from last night.

"Cum on the- are you high? The fuck's wrong with you?"

I laughed, "me, nothing. not with my sexy voice."

"Sexy-?"

Stunned silence was my answer, making me roar in side-splitting laughter.

Oh, she fucking remembers!

Sweet Stars above, this was going to be fun.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

Ever since then, I had endless fun quotin’ back to Tits the long list of things she had said, often referring to my notes. Sometimes I uploaded her picture, sometimes I mimicked her drunken tone, but always it was to my great enjoyment at just how utterly I had her beat. She couldn’t say shit about shit now!

But by far, ‘sexy voice’ was my favourite thing to bring up. She had long given up trying to claim that it had never happened, instead groaning and flat-out refusing to elaborate what she meant by it. She didn’t have to say anythin’ though; we both know she had the hots for my voice. Knowin’ that…I had never felt this empowered before, actually desirable. I spent so much of my time getting’ called trash that the insults kinda just washed over me. Even the hook-ups I had have been purely about satisfying our desires with each other's bodies. Sure, there had been attraction there, but hardly what I’d call desire.

All in all, to use a human sayin’, I was rather feelin’ like a sexy bitch.

Eventually, I might ease up on Tits…but for now, I was just enjoyin’ my sound victory over her.

That is, until Boss came chargin’ into my room during one of our conversations.

“hey tits, are you listening to me? bet you are, what with my-"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!"

Startled, I whirled around to see Boss glarin’ at me from my doorway, obviously pissed off about somethin’. Quickly, I took off my headphones, knowing how much he hated feeling like I wasn’t giving him my full attention.

“WHY HAVEN’T YOU DONE THE LAUNDRY YET?!”

"i'll do it later!" I snapped, stupidly.

My mood had swung suddenly from teasin’ delight to anger, and during that brief window, I forgot who I was speaking to.

And I was about to pay for it.

He actually strode into my room, loomin’ over me. "DO NOT TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME WHELP!"

I held up my hands, quivering "n-no boss! d-didn't mean to!”

“Boss?” Tit’s voice asked, comin’ through my abandoned headphones.

Boss’s eyes flickered to my headphones, and quickly, I grabbed them and tossed them under my desk, kickin’ over a dirty shit over them and hoping that would deter him from goin’ after them.

Boss’s eyes narrowed, before he gestured to my computer, actually making me fear he was about to skewer it with bones.

“STOP SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR DIGITAL WHORES AND BE PRODUCTIVE FOR ONCE, OR I SWEAR, I’LL TOSS YOU AND YOUR SPANK BOX OUT THE GOD DAMN WINDOW!”

“of course boss! i’ll get right on the laundry!”

He continued to glare at me, before turning to leave, slammin’ the door hard behind him, makin’ a few things I owed topple off my shelves.

Breathin’ a sigh of relief that I didn’t have to waste money replacin’ anything, I picked up my headphones and prepared to sign off.

“tits, i’m going to go now, so-“

“Who were you calling boss?”

I felt my soul drop, but I knew better than to bring attention to it.

“eh? what’chya talking about?”

“Boss, the person yelling at you. You called them boss.”

I wasn’t about to answer that question, so I tried lyin’. “oh, um, that. i’m at work and that was my boss. big fuckin mystery.”

“No, you’re not.” She said, slowly, “You’re at home right now, like you always are when you voice chat with me.”

“well, you’re wrong about that. i’ve called you from work before like i’ve done today, so drop it.” I growled, my hands clenchin’ the mouse unusually hard.

“Come the fuck on! I know you’re at home because your ‘boss’ threatened to throw your computer out the window. No ‘boss’ would threaten that, not when computers are expensive.”

After calmin’ down a bit, I eventually replied, “drop it tits.”

She had better be smart enough to drop this right now! I wasn’t in any sort of mood to ever talk about this with a fuckin’ human.

Apparently, she wasn’t.

“Oh no, no, no! You don’t get to give me shit over my drunk talk and expect me to just drop the fact that there’s someone you actually call boss.” She gasped as she realised somethin’, “Oh my god! Who do you call boss?! Is it a power-play thing? Are you the bottom bitch or something?”

“i said drop it tits!”

“Make me Dick! And call me Boss from now on.”

She wasn’t going to let this go, and I was fuckin’ stupid to think she would. Hell, if the tables were reversed, I’d probably be doing the same thing. After all, I was just givin’ her shit about her drunk talk, yet I was expecting her to let ‘Boss’ go?

Not a fucking chance in the universe.

I really didn’t have time for this shit, and there was just no way I was going to convince her to drop this, so I thought of alternatives. I could just fuckin’ leave, log off and log in after some time. But doing that felt like admittin’ defeat, and then what did I do when she inevitably brought it up again, log back off? I could offer a trade, a truce where we pretended this never happened and I stopped mockin’ her about what she had said, but I didn’t want to give up such entertainment over this. Not without gettin’ somethin’ in return.

Suddenly, I had a much better idea.

“you really want to do this?” I asked in a low voice.

“Now, is that any way to talk to your boss?” She replied, a smug smile in her tone.

“fine, guess we’re doing this.” I sat up straighter, glarin’ at her profile picture, “i have a bet for you tits and if you win, i’ll call you ‘boss’ from now on.”

“And, you have to tell me all about why you’re calling someone who is clearly not your boss Boss.”

Rollin’ my eyes, I agreed, but added, “fine. but if i win, you’re to keep your fucking mouth shut and to never bring up the word ever again.”

She scoffed, “Is that all?”

That’s what was most important, but it’s not like I couldn’t sweeten this thing and get myself a little somethin’ extra. Especially since she asked.

“and you have to describe your tits to me, tits.” I added, smugly still looking at her picture.

“I’m not sending you pictures Dick!”

“that’s why i said ‘describe’, not send. pay attention.”

I was sure she’d accept, probably addin’ in her own terms. She had to take this bet; she couldn’t let this chance to get even and to restore balance to the power in our rivalry slip by, especially as I was holding all the cards right now. I’d agree to basically whatever she suggested, sure that there was nothing this human could do that I couldn’t compensate for.

Getting’ her to describe her tits was basically insult to injury, somethin’ else I could use against her if she ever felt inclined to bring up ‘boss’ ever again.

Also, it would be a little somethin’ for me for having to put up with this bullshit.

Eventually, she gave the answer I knew she would, “Fine, but I get to pick the game. Deal?”

“deal.” I agreed, grinning at my screen, my magic flaring in preparation.

~*~

She lost.

Completely.

It didn’t matter that I normally sucked at racin’ games; when your reflexes and reaction time was enhanced to the point that the world basically stopped, there wasn’t a game you couldn’t win.

Somethin’ that Tits discovered when I beat her by a whole fuckin’ lap.

Still, it felt great to add more salt to her wounded pride, “well, would you look at that? guess i won.”

She spluttered in disbelief, “But- but you’re shit at this game! Just last week I was driving literally circles around you!?”

“guess i just got lucky. huh, strange how that works, isn’t it?”

“Like fucking magic” she muttered.

Grinnin’, I looked at my hand, watchin’ my magic coiling around my knuckles before lettin’ it return inside me. She wasn’t wrong, but why not let her believe I was just that good?

Besides, I had a bet to collect on.

“now, about our bet.”

Absolute silence from her.

I laughed, “are you going to flake out?”

I knew that she wouldn’t, she was much too stubborn to back off from her word, but it was obvious she hadn’t really thought about the possibility of actually losin’ to me.

“N-no.”

“well then. go on, i’m waiting.”

It took awhile, but eventually, she sighed heavily before grumblin’, “Well, there’s two of them.”

“go on.” I purred, knowin’ just what to say and how to say it to really get her riled up.

Her sound of disgust was music to me, really queuin’ me into how much she hated this, brighten my mood.

Hurriedly, she rushed through her description, “They’re a size XX and they’re soft to the touch. They feel a bit like jelly, if jelly had more weight and substance to them. Each has a nipple that’s sensitive to the touch and that’s the same colour of my lips. ARE WE DONE YET!”

I collapsed onto my desk, howling in laughter as I slammed my tabletop repeatedly. I enjoyed my laugh at her expense, before eventually sighin’, “yea, we’re done. oh, and tits?”

“Yea?”

“i never want to hear you say the word boss, ever again. got it?”

“Y-yea”

I ended the call, my point made.

~*~

It took me longer to gather all the dirty clothes in my room before collectin’ Boss’s, getting me a lecture from him about how if I kept failin’ to meet his standards, he’d be ‘correcting’ my behaviour himself.

I knew the first thing of that ‘correction’ list of his would be my computer, my apparent enjoyment of it irritated him or something. Personally, I thought he was more than a little jealous that I had managed to make a friend while our neighbour was still dodgin’ him, if his mutterings about human allergies were to believed.

Still, it wasn’t worth riskin’ his anger, so I bitterly teleported all of the clothes and myself to a secluded spot on the first floor, near enough to the laundry door, leadin’ to the basement.

When I walked in, I saw some chick standing by a support beam, hurriedly lookin’ away from me to frantically read over her washing powder’s label she was holdin’. I think I had seen this chick before (I think she might even be our neighbour), but still, it was funny to think she thought I wouldn't notice her starin’ at me.

Like I’d really believe she was readin’ that label or some shit.

Shruggin’, I walked over to a machine, dumpin’ my clothes in front of it. Turning around, I saw she was still very adamant about pretendin’ she was really into readin’ that washing power.

Well, if she was going to pretend she didn’t have a problem with monsters, especially if she was the neighbour Boss was trying to know better, then I’d be more than happy to shatter that illusion for her.

“hey you, human.”

She flinched violently, takin’ a step back as her eyes dilated in fear as she took in my grinnin’ skull. Lookin’ at her, I could tell she was just a typical shy human; the type that probably never said anythin’ to our faces but would happily talk about us behind our back, votin’ against our rights and happy to let other, more violent humans do what she could only dream of. Actually, she probably got violent in private, probably if the odds were stacked in her favour, if the screamin’ coming from her side of the wall was anything to go on. Checking her out, I noted that her LoVe was really low, but still not zero, confirmin’ she wasn’t clean either.

Leanin’ back with my hands in my pockets, I asked, “what, you’ve got some sort of problem with monsters?”

“N-no sir!” she blurted out, obviously scared.

I continued to watch her, saw how her hands twisted on the washing powder of hers, before shruggin’ and going back to what I came here for.

After I was done stuffin’ the washing machine and startin’ it, I turned and caught her blatantly starin’ at me again before she hurriedly returnin’ to her pointless reading.

Grinnin’, I walked over to her, intendin’ to have fun. I made sure to lean on the support beam that blocked her direct escape, right next to her. Her eyes were no longer movin’ and she stood there, stiff in fear.

Grinning, I casually noted, “must be a fascinating brand ya using there.”

“It is!” She squeaked, not bothering to look up.

Chucklin’, I asked, “so, you wouldn’t be the neighbour papyrus was talking about?”

It would be kinda shitty if she was; this scared bigot wouldn’t be a good person for Papyrus. Why couldn’t she be more like Tits? Unafraid and honest? Where was the neighbour who was always screamin’ in rage?

At least that person was honest with their feelings.

She looked up and her smile was very strained and not at all sincere as she replied, “Oh, um, the tall skeleton who made the lasagne dish?”

I nodded, waitin’ for her lie, “so, what did you think about it?”

“I loved it!”

_‘like hell you did.’_

“good, cause he’s been meaning to ask you to come back around.”

“I’m busy!” She blurted out.

“i didn’t say which day yet.”

“Oh! Sorry, I’m very busy, all the time!” Her eye fell to the basket at her feet, her hands clearly shakin’ in fear.

I chuckled at her expression, grinnin’ as I saw her face exploded out in blush when I did so. If she wasn’t so dishonest about her feelings about monsters, it might have been cute seein’ her blush like this. Still, this was clearly someone uncomfortable being around monsters, so that would always put a damper on my mood if I had to see her back in my house, treatin’ Boss like this.

I knew Boss could be terrifyin’ (I lived with the fuckin’ guy, flinching when he got angry enough), but Boss deserved respect, not fear. He was a good monster, fair with how he treated everyone in his life, and he deserved better than having someone placating him.

S’my fault for failing his standards, after all.

Her washing machine sounded off, and she quickly carried her basket and powder to it, transferrin’ her wet clothes into a nearby dryer.

Spyin’ a bra hanging over her basket’s edge, I thought back to Tits and her XX size.

_‘i wonder what that translates to in reality?’_

Grinnin’, I subtle grabbed her bra with my magic, pulling it out and letting it fall to the ground before movin’ it just under the lip of the underside of the washing machine.

The neighbour chick was soon standin’ up, slammin’ the dryer’s lid shut.

“I-I’ll see you around. Bye!” she squeaked, before speed walkin’ out, her eyes fixed on the ground.

Movin’ to the washing machine, I did the ‘neighbourly’ thing and picked up her bra, notin’ in surprise that it was the exact same size that Tits was supposed to have.

_‘what are the fuckin’ odds!’_

I called out after her retreatin’ back, holding up her bra “hold up. you dropped somethin'.”

She turned and when she saw what I was holdin’, her mouth dropped in horror, her cheeks quickly flushin’. I watched as I could practically see her debatin’ whether or not to just make a break for it.

After a while, she slowly walked back to me, her hand out as she couldn’t even look me in the face. Eventually, I dropped them into her hand, stepping aside so she could get to her dryer.

No sooner had she passed me when I noted loudly, “so, your size is XX. interesting.”

She spun right around, her neon red face blurring past me as she ran right out of the room, leaving me howlin’ in raucous laughter in a room by myself.

Her reaction had been just about the cutest, most entertainin’ thing I had ever seen! Only Tits beat her, and she had a handicapped of me not being able to see her face twisted in rage and embarrassment, leavin’ me wishing I could ever convince her to do a video chat with me.

If the neighbour chick wasn’t careful, I might be tempted to expand my tormentin’ human chicks to include her as well.

Thinkin’ about Tits, I eventually calmed down enough to look at the hand that had been holdin’ the bra, thinkin’.

What were the fuckin’ odds indeed.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

“Why do you suddenly want me to play a rage game?”

I had a theory.

It was a fuckin’ long shot and didn’t make sense statistically, but, and the odds of this being true were astronomical, what if Tits was the neighbour chick?

There were plenty of humans of this planet, practically to a world-destroying degree, and I’m sure that there were plenty of human chicks out there who played video games, with many of those humans capable of screamin’ in anger like Tits did when she got really ticked off, but there were just a bunch of little things, similarities, that added to the possibility that these two humans might be the one and the same thing.

Their voices were similar, but to be honest, between the audio quality of her mic and my headphones, and the fact I just didn’t have an ear for the subtle differences in human’s voices, I could be mistaken about that. Tits worked specific hours during the week, hours I couldn’t remember ever hearin’ the neighbour being home. Thinkin’ back, I think there might have been a few times when Tits had raged and I thought I had actually heard the neighbour yelling at the same time too. But to be honest, I hadn’t paid much attention to the neighbour when that happened because it was absolutely hilarious to listen to Tits when she was like that.

With yesterday, learnin’ about how both had the same cup size…and it was all I could do to convince myself I was just seein’ these connections, that the odds of this being true were probably one in a million.

Before I did anythin’, I had to be sure.

“i figured you’d jump at the chance for me to ‘forget’ sexy voice, tits.”

I knew she would be suspicious, especially as I had seemingly requested this out of the blue, but I wasn’t getting’ any rest until I figured out one way or another. If that meant ‘forgetting’ sexy voice, I’d gladly accept that if it meant I didn’t have to deal with lingerin’ ‘what if’s’.

“Forget it, Dick! Even if I could trust that you could keep your word, we both know you’ve got plenty of ammo to use against me.” she bitterly admitted.

I chuckled, “come on tits. i’m offering you a chance here. i don’t understand why you’re not jumping all over this."

“Um, try either ‘you haven’t told me why you want this’ or ‘you’ll just move on to mocking me with something else’.”

“it’s not my fault that you’ve made some really dumb decisions lately.”

“And now you’re trying to get me to agree to another one? What kind of special dumb-arse do you take me for?!”

That was a fair point, but I needed to convince her otherwise.

“this time’s it's not a bet and you're not drunk. all you have to do is play a game for thirty minutes and i’ll never bring up sexy voice again.”

She scoffed, “So you’ll just change the wording of the mock. Forget it, Dick, I’m not agreeing to shit.”

Growin’ impatient, I decided I’d tempt her so thoroughly she couldn’t refuse…even if it meant givin’ up a few more things.

“okay, okay. how about this; not only will i not mock you for sexy voice, but i’ll also stop mocking you about everything you’ve done up till this point.”

There was stunned silence, before her baffled reply, “You-you’d really stop? Like forever? I’ll never have to hear you quoting my measurements or you randomly uploading that fucking picture on our chats?”

I grinned, “and all you have to do is play a rage game for thirty minutes.”

There was a long pause as she obviously weighed up the pros and cons. I had said what I needed to; if I pushed for this too hard, she’d be too suspicious and would probably refuse.

So I waited.

“What the hell do you get out of this?” she asked, beyond baffled and obviously very suspicious.

Grinnin’, I waved a hand at my screen, leanin’ back in my seat, “just the joy of hearin’ your beautiful voice speaking in that beautiful language of your heart.”

No need to tell her what I suspected, not when I didn’t know myself.

I was just testin’ a theory here after all.

She scoffed hard, but responded, “Alright Dickhead, keep your secrets! If you swear that I’ll never hear shit about what I’ve done in the past, I’ll play your game.”

“deal.”

Even if I was wrong about this, Tits was sure to provide quite a colourful commentary.

~*~

“You mother fucker!” Tits screamed into her microphone, her irritation helped along by my near uncontrolled fits of laughter.

I had researched the most irritatin’, rage inducin’ game for this theory, and this game had seemed promisin’. Judgin’ by Tits’s reaction, I had picked a really ‘good’ game. Tits screamin’ her rage was usually the most entertaining thing on the face of this planet, but I had somethin’ even better now.

Even better than listening to Tits’s creative cursin’ that put whatever I had ever heard seem like nuns’ swearin’.

Even sweeter than hearing her try to remain calm and failin’ over and over again, further angerin’ her in an endless cycle of perpetual rage.

I had confirmed that Tits and the neighbour were one and the same person.

The odds of that being true to begin with were one in a million, but the odds that Tits’s screamin’ and the screamin’ that I could hear comin’ from the neighbour’s wall just happening to sync up perfectly with each other boarded on absurdity. They just had to be the one and same thing!

All those similarities, the improbability of coincidence of us just happening to be neighbours...I still couldn’t believe it! How in the hell was the shy, clearly uncomfortable near monsters neighbour the same foul-mouthed, ire-passionate Tits?

“Don’t fall backwards on me you piece of shit! I’ll make you sit right on that hammer! Skewer you right through and between your eyes, you arse-clown!”

“calm your tits, tits!” I struggled to say, through my side-splittin’ laughter and my mind still reelin’ from the implications of this discovery.

“Fuck you, you suckest cock sucker of them all!!”

I collapsed back onto my table, laughin’ so hard I think my ribs were crackin’! I-I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t even begin to think about what this all meant or what I could do with this information, I was laughin’ that hard!

“NOOOO you fuck face, jizz breathing ASSHOLE!! OH, MY GOD! WHY?!”

Suddenly, there was a loud bangin’ sound as somethin’ collided with our wall from her side, vibratin’ our walls.

Abandoning listenin’ to this through the headphones, I walked out of my room, still laughin’ as I made my way into our living room.

Boss was scowlin’, looking up from the book he had been quietly enjoyin’ on the couch.

“THAT AWFULLY LOUD HUMAN IS EVEN MORE RILED UP THAN USUAL! I’LL BE LOGGING IN A NOISE COMPLAINT …OR PERHAPS I’LL EXPRESS MY DISPLEASURE IN PERSON!”

Trying reign in my laughter but failin’ to keep back snorts and snickers as I continued to hear muffled screamin’ from beyond the wall, I tried to calm Boss.

“nah, i wouldn’t do that boss. after all, *snort* yer still want to get to know her, don’t ya? and you always said that you preferred *snicker* passionate humans over snivelling cowards.”

“…I GUESS.” he eyed me and my huge fuckin’ grin, “AND JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU FINDING SO FUNNY ABOUT ALL THIS?!”

I shrugged, kickin’ over a footstool closer to the wall so I could sit on it with my skull pressed to the wall, “guess you could say i enjoy listenin’ to passionate humans.”

Boss continued to glare at me, before returnin’ to his book, muttering somthin’ about wastin’ time.

Sittin’ here, I could hear every word Tits continued to scream.

“Fuck this shit! I’m fucking done! This shit is done! I’m done, I am fucking done!”

I quickly fell off the stool, convulsin’ on the floor. I had just clearly heard the sounds of her wailing on something, the sounds on pillows getting’ beaten painted a clear mental image of her screamin’ and hittin’ things in the middle of her room.

This may have been the greatest day in my whole fuckin’ life!

"And if that fucking, giggling cunt next door doesn't shut the fuck up I'll shit down their neck and then strap them to a gurney and castrate them with fucking fishing knives before throwing them screaming from this fucking building, you jizz stained, cum dumpster!!!"

“YOU ENJOY HEARING LANGUAGE LIKE THAT?!” Boss asked, incredulously, glaring at me as a lie flat on my back, tears pourin’ from my sockets.

I couldn’t speak, so I settled for noddin’, much to his absolute disbelief and utter confusion.

‘ _you have no fuckin’ idea!’_

* * *

  **Chapter 10**

_‘There's gonna be (gonna be)_

_Gonna be hell to pay!!’_

“what are you listening too?”

Boss was out today and I had made sure to press one of our speakers to the wall we shared with her, playin’ Mettaton’s shitty music. I was trying to see if I could hear it playin’ through her microphone, absolutely confirmin’ her identity and removin’ all doubts.

But then she had decided to listen to her music loudly so that all her microphone was pickin’ up her shitty song. Before I knew what she looked like, I wouldn’t have given a second thought to Tits listenin’ to heavy music like this, but now I just couldn’t picture the shy neighbour ever listenin’ to music like this.

The mental imagery was quite jarrin’.

She turned her music down but not off, askin’ exasperatedly, “What are you complaining about now you whiny baby?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that, “if anyone was ever in a position to not being able to accuse others of being a baby, it’s you tits. not after that tantrum you threw.”

“I don’t see you clambering to play that fucking game!”

I grinned, remember yesterday quite fondly, “a deal is a deal tits. now, if you want me to play that game…?”

“Forget it Dick. Hearing you get slightly angry isn’t worth whatever weird thing you want from me now. Frankly, I think I’m done with taking any more weird bets or deals with you. I’ve got you to shut up about sexy voice, and I’m happy.”

I scoffed, “you, happy?”

“Believe it or not, I am capable of the emotion….dickhead.”

I chuckled, before returnin’ to the issue at hand, “what the hell are you listening to? it sounds like a couple of toads getting corn-holed by several electrical instruments.”

I heard her chokin’ on her drink, sputterin’ through liquid as she both laughed and struggled to breathe. I was rather proud with that remarked; after hearin’ her yesterday, I had more than enough examples to build from. It wasn’t my style to curse like she did, but if I could get a reaction like that from her, I certainly might make it the new way I communicated with the world. Hearing her and knowin’ that I actually got her choke on her drink in a fit of laughter, that actually made me happier than I thought it would, bringin’ an actual smile to my face for a change.

 “you okay?” I asked, grinnin’.

“Yeah” She said, still snickerin’. “Okay, that was funny. Well done Dick, you got me.”

“i’ll take that as high praise, coming from you.” and it was true, but I still wanted my question answered, “now, you might see your way to actually answering my question, this time without the smartarse comment?”

“Yeah, good fucking luck with that!...I’m, a, I’m listening to some of my old favourite songs, to take my mind off my asshole neighbours who won’t turn down their ear-raping music!”

“trouble in paradise?” my grin broadenin’, guessin’ who it might be who was causing her grief.

“Yeah, I live in fucking Nirvana. You should come here; we have little drinks with umbrellas.”

“have you tried talking to them?”

Oh, how much fun would it be if she said yes? Should I answer the door naked or be the biggest sleez that ever existed?

Anythin’ to see her blush again.

But she scoffed, ruinin’ my fun, “Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Right after I’ve had my grey matter removed with a long spoon.”

“so you’re kinda stuck there eh? what are you going to do about it?”

“Sit here and think horrible things?”

I laughed at her candid, honest remark, delighted with my secret knowledge that she had absolutely no idea who I was…or that I had just purposely increased the volume remotely, aloowin’g me to finally hear Meatton’s shitty music faintly in her background, underneath her dark muttering curses under her breath.

~*~

I watched Tits’s leavin’ her apartment and enterin’ the elevator, headphones in her ears. She didn’t notice me (not many people did…especially when I didn’t want to be noticed) as she was too caught up in lip singin’ to whatever she was listenin’ to, but certainly noticed me when I stopped the elevator from closin’ and hopin’ quickly in with her as the doors shut behind me.

Normally, I guy like me had no reason to use this shitty technology, but then, I wasn’t ridin’ this thing because I was interested in going downstairs, was I?

Still grinnin’, I immediately noticed the stunned and look of dread on her face before she quickly looked at the ground, determinedly refusing to look at me.

Well, I couldn’t have that now, could I?

Waving my hands under her face, I watched as she flinched at the sudden appearance of my skeletal hand, before raisin’ her head up to look at me as her eyes skirted around.

She took out her headphones, askin’ formally “Yes?”

Smirking, I leaned back, idly wonderin’ how this would play out, “i was just wondering what yer listenin’ to there.”

She looked down at her earbuds, confused, before lookin’ back me, even more confused, “Um, music?”

I rolled my eyes, “music, huh?” Then I had an idea, “mind if i give it a listen?”

Before she could tell me no, I moved towards her and took one of the headphones for myself, pressin’ it to my skull and usin’ my other hand to box her in, grinnin’ as she continued to look at only me, in shocked disbelief. I couldn’t help but check her out, notin’, cheekily and particularly, the colours of her lips. When I winked at her, her face flushed with shy blush, makin’ me beam in delight that I had and could do that to her.

As we stared into each other's unblinkin’ eyes, the song continued to play.

_'Click, Click_

_Boom, Boom._

_Keep rushing and a running, running._

_A reckoning of lead is coming._

_I'm kickin' in the gates of hell again._

_Bringer of Pain!!'_

I stood back, laughin’ my ass off as the earbud fell from my hand. I just knew the image of this shy human, listenin’ to music like that didn’t fuckin’ belong! Strugglin’ through laughter, I managed to look up at her through my tears, seein’ her face even more flushed than it was before. “you, the shy loner girl, actually listen to-“ I couldn’t finish that sentence, dissolvin’ again into uncontrollable howls.

The moment the door began to open, she pushed herself through the gap, practically fleein’ from me in her embarrassment. By the time I regained control over myself, I was watchin’ her speed-walk to wherever she was headin’, her head firmly down. Even from here, I could see that even her ears were pink.

With her gone, I walked over to the mailboxes for the entire apartment complex and used my magic to lift a letter from her box; the second reason I was here.

“Ms Y/n L/n.” I read, happy to have Tits real name at last.

Flippin’ the letter over, I noticed that it looked like it had come from a tax services company.

_‘didn’t tits once say she worked a mind-numbing job involvin’ paperwork and money?’_

…I think it was time I got my taxes done professionally.

* * *

  **Chapter 11**

“hi, i’d like to get my taxes done.”

The bimbo human receptionist openly stared at me, her mouth hangin' open as her whole body clenched in fear.

I had no need for tax services (I was more than capable of understandin' the humans’ clusterfuck of a system), but I wasn’t here to get my taxes done, was I? Guess that means I’ll have to get used to being ogled. Taxes, and especially humans that collected them, were especially disliked in the monster community, and although I knew what I was doin' and didn’t need to be here, I hated what this placed stood for.

 _‘this is one hell of a shit job you’ve got here tits.’_ I thought, lookin' around while I waited for the receptionist to finally get her act together.

It took a moment, but she was eventually able to snap herself out where her brain had gone. “We-er, we don’t get many monsters here.”

_‘what a fuckin' surprise.’_

“is that going to be a problem?” I asked, doubtin' it.

“No!”

I grinned, “good, because i was rather hopin' to get a particular accountant.”

Her eyes darted between me and the exit. “A-a particular accountant?”

I nodded, a pillar of patience, “is that goin' to be a problem?”

“N-no?” she fumbled with her desk phone, “I-I just need to check.”

I leaned heavily on her desk, lookin' at her with a grin as I pointed to her phone, “sure, you do whatever you need to do, miss phone-y.”

She stared at me, “Wh-what?”

I pointed to her phone, grinnin' as she forced out a laugh and just took my insult.

Chucklin', I flipped around so that my back rested on her desk, waitin' to see what management would do as I listened in to the call.

Not much was said, really. Miss Phoney told whoever that there was a monster out here lookin' for someone.

Ah, and judgin' the power dress-suit, this must be who I was waitin' for. Mrs Power-suit flinched when my eyes focused on her, but she was able to quickly push that aside.

“Welcome to our office, Mr…?” she asked, walking towards me with her hand out.

I pushed myself away from the desk and tightened the grip I had on my buzzer on my hand, thinkin' about actually shaking that hand. As much as I would just love to shock this human, I still needed to be on her tolerable side.

So I ignored her; lookin' at her hand and very purposely, lookin' back at her.

“sans.”

She nodded, playin' off her annoyance at being left hangin' quite well. “Well, you can call me Mrs Sue, Mr Sans. I was told you were looking for someone in particular?”

“yeah, you see, i have these taxes i need doin'-“

“Well, let me just first assure you we have a top-quality team, headed up by our monster expert who I know will be just perfect for your taxing needs!”

_‘if she smiles any harder, her face is going to split.’_

Luckily, I didn’t have to worry about my face splittin'; nobody out smiled a skeleton.

“well, i don't want your 'monster expert'. i'm looking for a y/n l/n-?”

The woman gasped, claspin' her hands together as she spoke over me, “What a wonderful coincidence! That was just who I was going to recommend! Ms L/n’s our very qualified monster expert and I know she’d be more than willing to work with you today.” She held up her finger, “Let me just pop in and arrange that for you.”

I shrugged, more than happy to get it my way as I watched Mrs Power-suit walkin' away from me. When I turned around, I saw the receptionist quickly ducking her head, obviously starin' at me. Grinnin', I walked over to her, happy to get in some practice annoyin' humans before I met Tits again.

“i don’t re-call sayin' you could stare at me.”

Receptionist gasped, splutterin' as a look of dread came over her, “I wasn’t-I didn’t mean- I’m so sorry!”

I held up my hand, internally rollin' my eyes, “sheesh lady, i was just jokin' with ya.”

“A- a joke?”

I pointed again to her phone.

She looked at it and it must have finally clicked for her because she eventually did laugh, with just a hint of relief and panic in that laugh.

_‘what a way to kill the joke, lady.’_

Luckily, Mrs Power-suit came back out and saved me from havin' to put up with this shit. “Mr Sans? Ms L/n is ready to see you now."

She guided be through a maze of walled of cubicles; the type of walls that didn’t stop people from lookin' over and seein' what you were doin'. Humans everywhere stood up and gawked at me, quickly sitting down when I looked at them with many of them peekin' out from around corners as I passed. Personally, I hated how many humans were packed in this close with each other; the bland colours and lack of personal touches really made it seem like this entire office could go up in flames and everything, includin' the people, would be replaced with a day or two.

_‘let it to the humans to figure out how to take the humanity out of the humans…whatever the fuck that is.’_

Plus, I didn’t like being this close to all these humans that I couldn’t easily track, but I wasn’t about to show weakness in this mob of scared humans.

“Just here, Mr Sans.” Mrs Power-suit gestured to a particular cubicle off to the side, “I’ll just let you two get acquainted.”

She quickly turned and fled, without botherin' to say goodbye or nothin'. Really, I was quite heartbroken.

Whatever, I wasn’t here for anyone but this particular human…who crouching and riflin' through her draws?

I wasn’t sure what Tits was up too, but it did give me a chance to look around. First thing that struck me odd about Tits’s place was a lack of her ‘monster expert’ title on her nameplate. Shouldn’t her name have somethin' that marked her like that? Humans liked claimin' fancy titles for themselves, didn’t they? Personally, I thought it was better that a human didn’t pretend they knew enough to claim ‘expertise’ on a race that was keepin' pretty much to themselves.

Secondly, I noticed that there was a lack of items here too, less so than what I had seen other humans have in their cubicles. I guess, with what I had been hearin' about this place as she bitched about it to me online was true; there was little that could be done to make this place tolerable, personal touches or otherwise.

 _‘got to give ya that.’_ I agreed, seein' this place for myself.

Lastly, and most importantly, I took in what I could make of her. She was dressed in smart casual clothes, comfortable lookin' shoes and neat, tidy hair. It was hard imagin' this smart-lookin' business woman cursin' in the way I knew she could, stranger too to think she actually worked in a job like this. How in the actual fuck was she still employed here and not already fired for the foul mouth I already knew she couldn’t control?

_‘whelp, time to find out.’_

“well, hello neighbour.”

I watched as she stopped dead, before slowly raising to look at me, disbelievin' recognition already there as she took in my appearance. Subtly, the recognition morphed into misery and dread, really making my day.

I walked in with a huge grin and sat in one of the chairs in front of her before throwin' my legs onto her desk, eager to see what she’d do about it.

Disappointingly, she just sat there, still lookin' at me in disbelief. Still, it was funny to know that only I knew the whole story right now, and anytime I had caused misery like the look I was gettin' from her now online told me I was doin' a good job.

I offered my hand with a wink. “nice to finally meet ch’ya neighbour. i’m sans, sans the skeleton, and i guess i’m your new client.”

She quickly forced on a fake, professional smile that I hated and moved to take my hand, “The pleasure is all-“

*buzz!*

With a wild cry, she flung her hand away from me and held it protectively to her chest as I flung my head back and roared with laughter.

The look on her face!

Fucking priceless!!

By the time I had finished with my laugh with a sigh, I quickly noted and ignored the other humans standin' around us, lookin' in. I had only eyes for Tits, and that stupid fake smile that was threaten to break.

_‘let’s me help break that for ya, eh?’_

I held up my hand, watchin' how her eyes darted to the buzzer and narrowed in irritation, “shockin', isn’t it? i mean, what are the fuckin' odds i’d get you for my tax services, eh?”

“Very funny, Mr Sans.” She muttered, clearly not amused and rubbin' her shocked hand, “And I assure you, I’m just as surprised to see you.”

I waved her off, not really liking the name ‘Mr Sans’ coming from her. “just sans ms-”

_‘wait, will she think it’s weird that i already know her name? i mean, i do, but i don’t want to creep her out here.’_

Nah, just annoy the livin' shit out of her, that’s the plan.

So I let forward and pretended that I need to read her name plate to get her name, “-l/n.”

Slowly, she settled back into her seat and forced back that fake smile of hers as she asked nervously, “So, what can I do for you today?”

I shrugged, “i need help with my taxes i guess?”

“You guess?” she asked, incredulously.

I shrugged again, smilin' that my answers were apparently ticking her off.

Still, she was calm and professional enough to keep pushin' this thing along, so I just sat back and watched as she opened somethin' on her computer and typed a few things in.

“Okay, let’s start by getting you set up with our company.” She looked over at me, “Is Sans your first or last name?”

I grinned. “both.”

She stared at me, “Your name is Sans Sans?”

“nah, it’s just sans.”

“So what is your last name then?”

“dunno.” I shrugged, loving this.

I could see her givin' up in her mind as she moved onto the next questions. “Race: Monster. Sex?”

_‘too easy.’_

“yes please.”

She gasped and blushed, quickly making me burst out laughin' again at her adorable hybrid expression of anger and embarrassment. Stars above, this was too much fucking fun!

Hoping to push her reaction further, I leant forward on her desk and purred with my ‘sexy voice’, “i’m all man, ms l/n.”

I made sure to slowly lick my teeth, keepin' my eyes locked on hers.

She did not disappoint.

Her faced exploded red and she quickly hid behind her computer screen, leavin' me snickerin' to myself and just enough time to recover the sudden blush I could see glowing on my cheeks.

_‘damn, that’s hardly fair, making cute faces like that.’_

She remained hidden by the screen as she asked her next stupid question, “Age?”

“old enough to know better.” I replied, smug as all hell.

Seems like I finally hit a nerve as she looked around her screen and gave me her most dead-pan look,  “Mr Sans. If you don’t provide acerate answers, I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

_‘oh, you already are tits.’_

“listen, ms l/n, while underground, we monsters sort of lost how much time passed. so, i don’t know what to tell ya, but i have no fuckin’ clue how old i am in ‘human’ years.”

Technically true, but any monster who hadn’t bothered going to one of those ‘informative centres’ wasn’t going to, period. Don’t blame them, of course; things were as borin' as plant sex. Still, it was interestin' to know just how old I was compared to humans…and how little that mattered.

Tits’s replied in the most condescendin' tone she could muster, “I am well aware of that Mr Sans, but there are plenty of programs and centers out there that are specifically designed to catch-up monsters to the world as it stands now, including transferring the Underground’s measurement of time to the Aboveground’s time.” She looked at me quizzically, “Why didn’t you get this information when you were told about having to pay taxes?”

I shrugged again, not feeling like tellin' her the real reason I was here. Think I’d save that for another day. Maybe when I properly introduced myself and we were discussin' this over at Grillby’s or somethin'.

When I got bored with toying her at work, that is.

“guess i forgot to do that.”

She sighed deeply, “Okay, let’s start with your job. What do you do?”

I shrugged, “a bit of everything.” Again, technically true, but not the answer I knew she was lookin' for.

Her eye twitched. “Well, do you mind telling me what specifically you do for money?”

“told ya, a bit of everything.”

I watched as her shoulders moved up and down with her heavy, growing-angry breathing.

“Let’s skip that question then, shall we.” For some reason, she decided to abandon the computer and instead, pulled out a calculator, paper and a pencil, “How much money do you think you earn on a monthly bases?”

“enough.”

I snickered quietly to myself as I watched her continue this in silent rage, “Well, do you have your paperwork with you? You know, so that I can calculate it for you?”

“didn’t bring anythin' along with me.”

She broke the pencil in her hand as somethin' else broke within her. She looked up at me in baffled anger, “What do you mean, you didn’t bring anything along?!”

I chuckled at her, finally watchin' the process in person that I had only ever heard online; her strugglin' to keep her anger in check and under control.

It usually didn’t last long.

“Mr Sans, “ She said, through clenched teeth, “I need to know roughly how much you make for tax purposes. Afterall, it’s the whole reason why you’re here, isn’t it?”

I beamed at her, “well it’s one of the reasons.”

Oh, if only she knew who I really was and how I planned to be in her life for a long time.

My answer baffled her, clearly not the one she had ever heard someone give her, “What other reason could there possibly be?!”

I watched as she realised something.

Somethin' that really ticked her off.

Well, as much fun as it was to see her really upset like this, I didn’t want to get her fired for yelling at me….which was seconds from happenin' if past experiences were anything to go on.

“guess i’ll need to make another appointment and bring in all my paperwork tomorrow, eh ms l/n?” I said as I stood up, already considerin' what I might do tomorrow and how quickly it would take to upset her again.

“I’m looking forward to it.” She said through clenched teeth.

I turned to look at her, “perhaps we can carpool together, seeing as we’re neighbours?” I made sure to throw her my creepiest smile and all that it implied.

Her look of horror ended my appointment as I left laughin' my head off, already looking forward to it and just imaginin' what the hell she was going to say to me, later tonight.

~*~

“what’s wrong tits? you seem unusually tense tonight.” I grinned.

“It’s fucking nothing Dick!”

I laughed, watching her shoot the dead guy non-stop “it sounds like a whole lot of nothin'. that’s why you’re still shotting the dead guy. a whole lot of nothin'.”

“It’s therapeutic asshole, quit criticizing!” She took a deep, calmin' breath, before replying, “Look, you’ve heard me bitch about work before. Well, let’s just say that today was extra fucking special and leave it at that.”

“what happened?”

Like I already didn’t fuckin' know.

“Usual things; Bitch boss dumped another client on my over-worked pile.”

“that’s it? nothin' in particular special about this new client?”

_‘maybe a handsome skeleton with an incredibly sexy voice just happened to walk into your life?’_

“Oh, there’s something ‘special’ about him alright.” She muttered.

I grinned, knowin' just how true that was, “so, tell us about it.”

“You're fucking serious? Since when do you take an interest in my bitchings?”

I smirked, “hey, anyone who can get ya this worked up, hours later, has to be special.”

“You want to fucking know?! Okay, fine!” And she was off, ventin' out her little black heart of all the hate I already knew she had struggled to keep back earlier today. “So, get this, the asshole client is actually my next door neighbour! A neighbour I didn’t even know that I had to just a few days ago! So he walks in, strutting his inflated ego, like he fucking owns the place, and is just the dumbest dumbarse that ever existed, giving me stupid answers to basic shit!”

I was really strugglin' not to laugh right now…but she wasn’t makin' it easy.

“i bet that was frustratin'.”

“Then try not giggling about it Dick!” I snorted before I could help myself, “You should have seen him, blatantly hitting on me! And the asshole didn’t even bring in any paperwork! Like, how in the actual fuck was I suppose to help him if he walked in with nothing!? I swear Dick, I’m absolutely sure that the assclown only came in to annoy the ever-living piss out of me, which he fucking succeeded at!!”

I couldn’t help myself; I lost my shit. I was practically on the floor, laughin' so hard I was tearing up again.

This, had to be the greatest thing to have every happened to anyone, ever, and I had many more days to look forward to now!

“You done, gob shite?”

I struggled to reign in my laughter, but I eventually manged to reply, “yeah, i’m done tits.”

“Then try saying that without a grin in your voice!”

I almost broke again. “can’t help it tits. funny is funny, and it sounds like this guy really got to ya.”

“And the worst part is I can’t complain to Bitch Boss! She won’t do anything! He’s a monster client, so while he’s pissing me off, he’s worth bank to her.”

That didn’t surprise me; things were still tense between our two races, their governments offered bonus money or some shit for dealin' with us monsters. All in the name of ‘tolerance’ and ‘acceptance’.

“sounds like your stuck, huh?”

_‘stuck with me, anyway.’_

“Fucking tell me about it!” she groaned.

I continued grinnin', returning to the game as I let her stew in her anger. I already had a few ideas what I could do to her tomorrow and an inclining about her reaction to them would be, but if there was one thing true about Tits, it was that she always found new ways to surprise me.

“No, you know what?” she cried out, startling me from me plannin', “I’m not going to let this nob gobbling asshole get to me! If he’s coming in to purposely annoy me, then he can fuck right off, cause I’m not going to feed into his bullshit entertainment!”

I scoffed at that bullshit, “like i’m sure ya can keep yourself under control tits.”

“Of course I fucking can! I’ve been dealing with asshole clients long before this asshole showed up, and I’ll be dealing with them long after he gets bored and fucks off!”

“sounds like you’ve got your work cut for you then tits.” I replied, sarcastic as all hell.

“You ‘support’ is noted and greatly appreciated Dick. Just wait, I’ll come home tomorrow after I’ve kept my fucking my cool for the whole fucking day! Because the thing you don’t know about me is who I am online with you and who I am on the job are two, very fucking different people.”

I frowned.

That…that wasn’t necessarily a good thing Tits.

Hell, I’ll admit I like Tits. Even the fact she was humans wasn’t enough to hamper our friendship (or whatever the fuck this was between us was called) we had.

I didn’t want to think about it all being fake or based off a persona she was pretendin' she had.

Was- was Tits only like this because she was online? Was she a different person in person, with different beliefs and values? Were those beliefs how she truly felt? I already knew she was shyer in person, but I had just been thinking that was just her keepin' her head out of trouble by tryin' to be as inconspicuous as possible.

What if ‘Tits’ only existed online? What if there was nothin' of Tits in the shy Ms L/n?

“guess we’ll see, won’t we?” I replied, grimly.

~*~

“What’s this?” Ms L/n asked, lookin' at the rubbish I had just dumped on her desk, moments after walking in.

I grinned, sittin' in the chair so I could sit back and watch her reaction to this. “yer asked for receipts, records of what i get and how much?” I gestured at the rubbish on her desk, “well, this is my paperwork.”

Her fake, professional smile just vanished as her jaw dropped, quickly making me laugh.

“what, you don’t like how i’ve organised my paperwork?”

“This is organised?!” she screeched, outraged.

“sure it is.” I pointed to one side of the table, “that was this week.” I pointed to another pile “that’s this month.” I pointed to the last, most fouled pile, “and that’s other.”

It had all been worth going through and emptying my filing cabinets of old, useless paperwork, writin' up fake receipts and stompin' the whole lot underfoot for this reaction.

Now to see how ‘Ms L/n’ would handle this.

“Other what?” she asked, reluctantly.

I smirked at her, “other times, obviously.”

She picked a random piece of paper, lookin' really closely at as she tried to read past all the mustard I had purposely added to the pile last night. “What period of time does this sh- stuff cover?”

I shrugged, leanin' back in my chair, “i’d say anywhere from now to when i first walked out from the underground.”

Her look of disbelieving horror told me I was on the right path to see just how much of ‘Tits’ was in her.

So far, it seemed to be workin'. I could see just how angry I was making her (which would forever be entertaining), so I at least knew this shy human was capable of gettin' angry at me, but I was still hoping something more…Tits-ish. Somethin' colourful and creative, like calling me a nob gobblin' fuckin' juggle sack of absolute cottage cock.

Even thinkin' that had me smiling more.

Don’t get me wrong; I knew she wasn’t going to go full out on me at work, and to be honest I still didn’t want her to lose her job doing that, but some indication of the person I knew online really came from this human in front of me would be nice.

“You enjoy fucking me over, don’t you?” she said, glaring at me.

Something like that.

Stars above, was I unprepared for her to say that.

“wh-what?”

And judgin' by the look on her face, she was equally surprised by what she blurted out, apparently involuntarily. Only where I found it funny and endearing to finally see Tits bleed through that fake smile and all that came with it, she appeared horrified and bitterly regretful for her remark.

Or at least, she was until somethin' solidified inside her and she took a couple of deep calmin' breaths.

“Mr Sans;” she said, calmly and politely, her fake smile movin' firmly back into place, “let’s go back to being indifferent to each other before this gets out of hand. I’ll treat you like I would with any other client and you treat me like your accountant, and not a new toy you can play with.”

I stared at her, realisin' what she was askin' for.

Was- was she really askin' me to back off before she started retaliatin' against me, her client and neighbour?

Oh, I have to fucking see this!

I leaned back, shakin' my head with a cocky smile on my face, “nah, i think i actually prefer it this way, ms l/n.”

She took a couple more calming breaths through that fake smile of hers (even as I saw her hands twitch), “Very well then, Mr Sans. Then I’ll need time to go through all of your paperwork, which means your next appointment will have to happen after I’ve done that.”

I grinned, “i’ll make it for three days from now then.”

Surprisingly, she just took that insultin' short amount of time for what was sure to be a colossal amount of work with that irritating fake smile firmly in place, “That should be more than enough time, Mr Sans.” She gestured to the door, “Enjoy the rest of your day, and I’ll see you in three day's time.”

I stood up, grinnin' at her as I left, “earlier, if we ‘happen’ to see each other in the elevator again.”

I was already thinkin' of what I could do to her at home. Might even swing past a few stores and pick up a few things, just for her, of course.

She continued to smile fakely, “Of course…neighbour.”

~*~

I was waitin' for her to go off again as we played online, like she had last night.

But she was just oddly quite.

Passive.

No comment about the dog chew toy I had left for her on her door step, and no retaliation from her, as far as I could tell.

“so, how did it go?”

There was a long pause

“It went fine.”

I waited for her to elaborate further.

“just fine?”

“Of course.” She continued to say, still in that oddly quite and flat voice, “I kept my cool, and I didn’t kill anyone. I say that’s the definition of fine, wouldn’t you agree?”

“so, ya telling me nothing of interest happened today?”

_‘come on tits, give me somethin' here. anythin'.’_

“No.” She replied, softly.

…Shit.

This wasn’t how this was meant to go.

Tits weren’t meant to break this easily.

“a-are you doin' okay tits?” I asked awkwardly, feelin' like a right royal bastard.

She sighed heavily, “No, not really. I’m sort of straight up fucked here.”

“look, i’m sure it isn’t that b-“

“No, it really fucking is. He’s making my work life a living hell, and he’s most likely going to up his game here at home! This fucker knows that I’m trapped, and he knows that there sure isn’t shit I can do about either situation!” She sighed heavily again, “I’m on my fucking own here.”

…aw fuckin' hell, I hadn’t considered that. I didn’t mean to make to her feel like she was trapped (which, I guess she was…just not in such a mean-spirited away…which I guess, again, it kinda was…shit), I had only meant to rile her up; have fun tormentin' her in person like we did to each other online. I certainly didn’t mean to make her feel like she was out of options or that she was on her own with no one to turn to for help.

I’ll-I’ll back off. Leave her be. I’ll call in the mornin' and cancel my appointments and account with Tits and make sure to leave some sort of apology or somethin' that would keep her out of her boss’s radar. Let them know my decision to leave had nothin' to do with her.

I sighed, resolved, “look, you don’t have to feel like this tits. i’m sure this guy isn’t that big of a douche to keep pushin' this if you’re going to act like a kicked puppy.”

“You want me to believe that he’s just going to leave me alone if I look sad?” She laughed bitterly, “Like that’s going to work.”

That actually pissed me off.

How dare Tits, the stubborn, foul-mouthed, rage fuelled wreakin' machine give up like this! This was a fuckin' cop out if I ever saw one!

“so you’re just going to knuckle under and take the abuse?” I growled at her.

“I didn’t say that.”

“ya just said-“

She interrupted me, “I’m in a fucking shit place, but there’s no fucking way I’m just going to roll over without a fight.”

I gapped at my screen, “y-ya got a plan?”

She laughed, “Dick, I had a plan the moment he walked out of my cubicle! I just need time to gather resources before I can take down this asshole so thoroughly, he won’t even be able to look me in the eye ever again!”

I continued to stare at my screen, at a loss for words.

By the time my thoughts managed to catch up to my feelings, I was already smilin' affectionately at Tits picture, proud to see her standin' up for herself…even if it was to me.

“that’s my tits.”

She giggled, “Y-you know how fucking weird that sounds, right?”

 _‘not as weird as encouragin' you to really stick it to me.’_ I thought, still smiling.

~*~

I backed off and kept my distance from her for the next three days.

Well, Sans did.

‘Dick’ was tryin' to get Tits to give him clues about what she was plannin', any hints about what she thought was going to keep Sans away from Y/n. She refused to give anything up, so I was left wonderin' as I waited for the day in question to finally arrive.

I had watched her leave her house on that mornin', curious to see these ‘resources’ she had gathered, but all I saw was her leavin' in a big trench coat and nothin' else. So with no clue what to expect, I walked into the building later in the day, waitin' to be called as I leaned on the receptionist's desk again.

“M-Mr Sans?”

I looked away from my phone to see the Miss Phoney looking at me as she hung up her phone. “Ms L/n will see you now.”

I pushed myself away from her desk.

“Thanks Miss Phoney. I’ll walk myself in again.”

She didn’t look at all disappointed being denied escortin' me for a second time, but I quickly forgot about her as I walked beyond the waitin' area and further in.

I could immediately tell something was off.

Something else that wasn't, for once, my presence. The fact I could see Tits from here, still in her trench coat, might have something to do it.

As I walked into her area with the walls removed, keenly aware of all the gawkin' me and her were getting, I watched how she watched me.

Like a cat watchin' a mouse.

_‘if this is her plan, she’s going to need to up her game.’_

I grinned at her as I sat down, “i see that you’ve redecorated. what, you think i’ll leave if people are gawkin' at me?” I shrugged as I settled into my chair, “i get that all the time babe.”

She was still smilin' as she replied, “I’m sorry to hear that Mr Sans, but I thought it would be nice to have a more open space when we started our appointment.”

I chuckled, more than aware there had to be more to it than that, “do ya want people to see you swearin' at your clients again or somethin'? yer figured getting fired for misconduct is easier than just quittin'?”

She leaned in, whisperin' quietly to me, “Actually, Mr Sans, I wanted them to see your reaction.”

That got me.

“my reaction to what?” I asked, cautiously, as my eyes darted around, lookin' for a hidden threat.

Slowly, she stood up and sensually took of her trench coat with hands that shook. The trench coat landed into a pile at her feet, but I wasn’t payin' attention to that. My eyes were firmly glued to what the fuck she was wearin' underneath it.

She was in head-to-toe skeletal themed, sexy clothin', with a skin-tight spandex body suit of a human skeleton under it all.

Did I mention it was skin tight and fuckin' hotter than the core reactor?!

Oh stars above, the bitch was going to fight rage with lust!

That’s fucking cheating!!

She walked over to her filin' cabinet, that tight skirt cradling her perfect ass- fuck! Ignore it!

Soon, she was bendin' down and…and…

“Oh dear, now where did I put your file?” her voice startled me out of my thoughts, leavin' me staring at her leg she was holdin' up and twirlin' in wind and- Fuckin' hell, she was even wearing skeleton theme socks!

She turned and was grinnin' cheekily at me, smug as hell at what she knew she was doing to me!

I quickly turned away, thinkin' about baseball or some shit.

She came walkin' right in front of me, leanin' on her desk as she looked down at me. “What’s wrong Mr Sans? Are you all right? You look really sweaty.”

 _‘could she have said that any fuckin' louder?!’_ I cursed, notin' all the humans now looking at me.

“i-i’m fuckin' fine!” I snapped, shrinking into my jacket.

“You don’t look fine.” She reached over backwards onto her desk and arched her spin up, pushin' them ribs into the air, one hand trailin' a hot path from her supportive hips, all the way to her coy smile. She pushed herself back up, her heated eyes starin' deeply into mine.

I quickly looked away.

_‘fuck, stop thinkin' shit sans! you know this is her fuckin' plan, so don’t fall into her trap and keep yourself under control!’_

She whispered her next words right next to my face, her warm breath hittin' the side of my skull and neck, “Would you like a tissue…Mr Sans?”

I refused to look back at her, too busy trying to making the fuckin' blush on my cheeks leave me the fuck alone already!

What the fuck was I?! A horney teenager!?!

Get a fuckin' grip!!

“no fuckin' thanks!”

I continued to watch her from the corner of my eyes, saw how she jumped onto her table instead of moving safely behind her desk.

“I think I need to call an ambulance then Mr Sans. You look awful sick. Perhaps I should ask someone?” She called over to some human, who was gawkin' at her just as much as I was...and if that just didn’t add a hint of rage into my lust! “Hey Jack, what does it mean when monsters get all sweaty and their blush glows?”

“i’m not fuckin' blushing!”  I splat, refusin' to acknowledge anythin' about this fucked up situation I had brought upon myself.

She slowly uncrossed, then re-crossed her legs again in front of my eye level.

I-I saw a garter belt and lace.

“Oh no. Jack, could you call that ambulance for me? I think he’s getting worse!”

In the next instance, I grabbed one of her hands and pulled her towards me, torn between yelling at her and bendin' her over this damn desk right front of everyone! Show these humans just who she belonged to and leave a couple of marks for the whole fucking world to see!!

But, and with control I didn’t know I had, I pulled back my lust, hopin' to do this relationship right, and instead hissed at her “okay, you’ve made your fuckin' point! i’ll stop!”

“You’ll leave me alone and not harass me at home?” She whispered back, aggressively.

I-I didn’t want that. Would never agree to it anyway.

How in the actual hell was I suppose to leave her alone now?! I just discovered she was cheeky and fuckin' hot as hell! Add to the fact she had a wicked sense of humour and cursed better than me, and she was basically everything I never thought I would ever find in a potential mate, let alone a fuckin' human!

Even Papyrus liked her!

Papyrus!!

She had won this fight; there was no way I could come back here and pretend otherwise. Hell, she had so fuckin' won this that unless I wanted to expose my hidden ability and teleport her straight to the nearest vertical surface, I could hardly look her in the fuckin' face and not think about how her body moved in them tight clothin', the image MY collar on her neck instead some fake skeletal hands-

Fuck, I need to go.

I nodded, not lookin' at her.

The smugness oozing from her hit me in waves as she tore her hand from mine, leanin' back in self-satisfaction, “Then I do believe that we are done here….Mr Sans.”

She quickly moved back around to her desk and gestured towards the exit, “Have a nice day, and I do hope to see you around sometime, neighbour.”

I left quickly, keepin' my head down as I headed for outside. I was just about to clear the archway that separated the receptionist area and the cubicle area when I hear her cheering. Lookin' back, I watched as she practically danced in joy, fist-bumpin' in the air.

I may not like just how well she had owned me, but damn if I wasn’t proud and happy to see her like this. It made leavin'…easier, as I walked outside, rounded a corner and teleported to my room. Breathing a sigh of relief, I looked over to the wall I shared with her.

 _‘i think it’s about time we met, face to face.’_ I grinned, pullin' out my phone to take a photo that had been a long time comin'.

 

Next chapter is called: Oh CRAP! We’ve already met!?!


	13. Oh CRAP! We've already met!?!

I left work in a great mood after sending Sans, the pervy asshole, away in shame and was really looking forward to a well-deserved weekend. Sure, Bitch Boss had given me a warning for ‘unprofessional conduct’ and a lecturer about how it was MY job to cater for monster clients and not scaring them off with my clothing and yadda yadda.

Honestly, I hadn’t cared less; I HAD FUCKING WON!!

So while she lectured me and I kept my head bowed, submissive and appearing all regretfully, I was internally thinking about what I wanted to pick up to celebrate the occasion. Really go full out and fuck caring about my nutritional health for tonight. Maybe even buy a fondue machine and see what food couldn’t be improved by smothering it in chocolate.

Now I was practically skipping home, bags swinging from my arms of all my favourite things and a few other things I had bought just because I could. Sure, people were still giving me and my trench coat weird looks, but I still didn’t fucking care. Where this morning I had been too busy having a near panic attack over leaving my place in clothing where I could feel the wind brushing my inner thighs and questioning my sanity over my plan to deal with Sans, now I was feeling too damn good to even bother caring about all the looks I was getting.

I was way too fucking happy and nothing was going to change that soon.

Fuck! I was so happy right now!

In fact, as I rode up the elevator, beaming to myself, my smile only grew further when I saw a lack of anything on my doorstep and my neighbours’ door firmly closed. Sure, he had been leaving me alone leading up to today, but if how he left was anything to go on, I could expect to see a hell lot less of him from now on!

No more cornering me at work, in the elevator or the laundry room!

The moment I locked my door behind me, I dropped my bags by the front door and flung myself onto the couch, cheering into a pillow. Eventually, I pushed myself up, still beaming from ear to ear. I was in such a good mood, I picked my proper headphones from my computer and connected them to my phone, dancing around my apartment as I put away all the new things I had brought, before moving into my room and stripping and dumped all the stupid clothes I had worn just for today. I dumped these clothes into an empty box and kicked it under my bed, before changing into my go to; comfortable and baggy nerd gear.

I was still dancing and lip singing as I ordered my favourite junk food, cracking open my favourite soda drink and singing into it as I jumped onto my couch, air-guitaring along with the songs.

Life was so fucking awesome!

~*~

“hee, you’re in a really good mood tonight tits.”

I beamed, finishing off my can and dumping it into a nearby bin, on top of the fast food wrappers, “I am in a fan-fucking-tasic mood!”

“oh?”

“Fuck yeah! I made my pervy, asshole of a neighbour leave me the fuck alone! And I did in such a way that-“

But he interrupted me, “actually, i was wonderin' if i could share somethin' with ya first?”

“Oh?” I didn’t realise I had stood up, but I quickly sat down. “Sure. I mean, it’s not like you haven’t been asking me about this fucker every day for the last week, so why the fuck would I assume you want to hear about this first?”

He chuckled, “trust me, i think i get the general gist of how it went.”

I scoffed, folding my arms and more than a bit put out that the only person I could brag this to didn’t seem interested in hearing about my triumph, “I really doubt anyone could have guessed what I was planning.”

Again, he chuckled, “i’ll say, but i still want to share first.”

“…Okay, fine. But it had better be interesting as fuck AND you better hang around and listen to everything I have to say afterwards.

“easy enough. i want to send ya a picture of what i look like.”

My jaw dropped.

“…yer still there tits?”

I recovered, “You serious?”

“absolutely.”

Again, words failed me as my mind went blank.

Why in the fuck was he offering this out of the blue?!

_‘Why the fuck am I asking myself this?!”_

Oh, right.

“Why the fuck are you offering this now?! Right out the fucking blue?!?”

“…a few things, but let's just say this had been buildin' up for a while.”

“But why today? Whatever happened to trying to trick me into giving you more information about myself?”

“eh, i already know enough about you that i trust you’re a decent enough human. what, yer don’t want to see what i look like?”

That wasn’t it. Hell, I wanted to know very much…and yet, at the same time, I kinda didn’t want to.

Knowing what he looked like, actually placing a face to that voice, it almost felt like an end to an era. An action that, if we took this, couldn’t be taken back.

What if he was horrifying to look at? What if I accidentally laughed at his picture and hurt his feelings? Fuck, what if he was just trolling me?! He could literally send me a picture of a baked potato and I’d have no fucking clue if it wasn’t a legit picture of an actual monster!

“I'm not sending you a picture of me, Dick.” I warned, sternly.

“i’m not expectin' ya to.”

I pointed to the screen, “And I swear, if you send me a dick pic, I’ll upload it to every site I can!”

He chuckled, “what if i actually look like a dick?”

“I don’t care, I’m still uploading it! So you better be sure you don’t accidentally look like a dick in your picture. Type in ‘gay porn’ and compare yourself to what you find.”

He roared out in laughter, “ar-are yer really sendin' me off to look at gay porn?!”

I grinned, “Maybe.”

Still snickering, he continued, “nah, i’m sure you’ve seen something that looks like me before.”

I heard his mouse clicking in his background and watched as an image was uploaded on our chat. When it was fully uploaded, I slowly moved my mouse over to it, and opened it.

“-after all, i’m just a pervy asshole.”

It was Sans, grinning at me as he winked at the camera.

Behind him was my front door, with my apartment numbers on it and everything. There was even that scratch I had made one night with my keys when the landing light had blown out and I had missed the keyhole in the dark.

I could only stare, unable to process what I was seeing.

“…tits? y/n? are yer okay? still there?”

I flinched violently at hearing my name spoken by Dick, wait Sans…Sans was Dick!?!?

OH

MY

GOD!!

My hands started shaking as I struggled to breathe.

“tits? are you okay?! wait, i’ll comin' over to explain in person.”

There was knock on my front door and I shrieked, falling off my chair, as my eyes locked onto the front door.

Sans called out from behind it, muffled by the wood, “tits, it’s me! dick, the pervy asshole neighbour, who also goes by sans? can ya come out here so i can properly introduce myself?”

I ran to my front door, double checking all the locks before further barricading it with my body as I slid down it, my back resting on the door.

“wait, listen! it’s not like that! i only wanted to finally introduce myself. i’m not seekin' vengeance or anythin' for what happened today!” he chuckled, “that was very cheekily and clever of you, i’ll admit it. and hell, we both know i had it coming, right?”

I didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything as I clung to myself and continued to struggle to breathe regularly.

“look, i get it, yer must be pretty mad at me for all the shit i’ve done as sans, but i honestly didn’t expect we were fuckin' neighbours the whole time! i mean, what are the fuckin' odds, right? but once i knew, i just…sort of…well, it’s not like you wouldn’t have taken advantage of the situation too, right?”

I didn’t reply.

“come on tits! i know you’re home!” he called out angrily.

When I didn’t say anything, I heard him walking away, his keys unlocking and closing the neighbours’ door.

From where I still sat, I could soon hear a muffled voice started calling out from my abandoned headphones.

Cautiously and eventually, I stood up and approached them, still taking shuddering breaths.

I could hear him calling out to me from my headphones, our chat now filled with actual text for the first time and multiple requests for a video chat.

All of it asking me to just speak to him, that he was fine to keep using this thing is I preferred and that I didn’t need to see him today, that he’d wait if that’s what I wanted.

To please just answer him.

I quickly turned off my computer and stood back, without seeing it.

How- how can Dick be Sans?!

Like, how in the actual fuck was that even remotely possible?!

Had-had he moved in after we started talking?!

…no. No, I’m pretty sure I was complaining about Skeletor before I meet Dick that first time.

I moved absentmindedly to my couch, sitting down hard.

Skeletor was Dick’s brother?!

Sans was Dick this whole fucking time?!?

How in the hell had I missed that?!?!

I-I…I don’t know?!

Their voices kinda sounded similar, but fuck, I knew better than most humans just how much deeper and gravely monsters voice were. Add to the fact that I had been completely closed to even consider the possibility that Dick was in same the state, let alone a fucking neighbour, and the thought had never entered my mind! Fuck, the first time I had heard Sans speaking to me, I had been too flustered after dealing with Dick’s humiliation to even think about anything! Then Sans had cornered me in the laundry room, forced a conversation on me and had my bra in his hand-

OH MY FUCKING GOD, MY BRA!

THAT DICK!!

DID HE KNOW WHO I WAS THEN?!?

FUCK!

Well, after that I had been so embarrassed by this creepy monster that kept trapping and hitting on me-

OH FUCK ME! WAS THAT WHY HE SUDDENLY HAD PEEKED INTEREST IN ME?!?

It was like a wave had just hit me, connections that sucked that they had happened in the first place, but now they were so much fucking worse with this reality-breaking knowledge!

Me calling Dick’s voice sexy! Sans laying his voice on thick while hitting on me!

Losing to Dick and describing my tits to Dick! Sans constantly checking me out, especially my chest!

ME BITCHING ABOUT SANS TO DICK!! DICK’S ADVICE TO JUST ‘TALK TO SANS’!!

Another knock on my door startled me from my thoughts with a violent flinch from me. I looked at the door as Sans/ Dick’s voice called out to me again.

“look, i’m sorry. i-i guess i’ve kinda forgot that i’ve had time to get used to all this and that we lived right next to each other, you know, despite the odds of that being true? i just want you to know that i do want to get to know you in person…after you’ve had time to think about all this, that is. no tricks, nothin' nefarious, i swear.”

There was an awkward pause as he waited for a response I didn’t have.

“…i’m, well, i’m just next door if you wanna talk. or, yer know, log back in and we can continue there, okay?”

I keep silent.

I hear something softly hit my door, as he mumbled, “i’m sorry for all the shit i’ve caused, okay?”

When I didn’t reply, I heard the sounds of him shuffling away, before the gentle sound of the next door closing.

Only then did I drop my head into my hands.

What the fuck was I suppose to do now?!

~*~

Well, what I did was rather pathetic and cowardly…and not at all a smart, long-time plan.

In my defence, there’s not a lot one can do when you were too anxious to leave the apartment; I pretend I didn’t exist.

I didn’t leave the apartment, didn’t turn on the computer, didn’t make any noise to the best on my abilities, closed the curtains and kept the lights to a minimum, ‘no-one’s home’ state.

I also didn’t sleep well, but that had more to do with my inability to chill the fuck out than anything else.

At least Dick/Sans was keeping his distance…even if it felt like I was being listened in on through the walls. True or not, paranoia made me feel like that, so that was fucking fun!

However, work had this thing where they were happy to pretend I didn’t exist as a person but existed enough that my body was required to turn up at work or else. After the warning and the fact that Sans/Dick had left the company on the day I got the warning, and I knew I was barely keeping my head above the shit tank. So, begrudgingly and not at all feeling like today was going to end any better if I just called in sick, I got ready for work.

After checking the neighbours' door at least several times, I ran for the stairs, not bothering with the elevator. I was not risking getting trapped in it today.

If only I had taken the fire escape instead.

Sans/Dick was leaning on a wall by the front door, looking at his feet. Like he could sense me, he looked up to see my quivering form as I walked out onto the landing, not at all mentally prepared for this encounter.

He sighed heavily, looking back at his feet, “look, yer don’t have to be scared of me. i-i’ll leave you alone.” He pushed himself away from the wall, “i’ll keep my distance from you from now on and i’ll stop talkin' to yer online as well.”

When I didn’t say anything, his shoulders sagged and he made to walk outside.

“Wait!” I called out, surprising myself as I impulsively took a couple of steps towards him, a hand reaching for him.

He looked over his shoulder, his eyebrow also cocked in surprised as I pulled back my hand and my eyes dropped the floor.

I took a deep breath, looked up at him and spoke my heart.

“You’re an ass-fuck!”

He gaped at me, “wh-what?”

I strolled over to him and poked him in the chest with every word, “You. Are. An. Ass-fuck!”

By now, I had HIM trapped in a corner for a change, his hands up in a placating manner, “hey now,-“

“Oh shut the fuck up!” I scowled at him, folding my arms, “Do you have any idea how big of a dick you’ve been to me?”

“i have some idea, yes.” He pointed at me with one of the hands he was still holding up, “after all, you’ve told me-“

He stopped when he saw just how dark my expression had gotten.

Point made, I made for the door, only to be stopped by his restraining hand. He quickly let me go as I flinched at the unexpected contact, my eyes quickly searching his face for some sign I had gone too far.

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “look, i know i’ve been kinda shitty, but i was still hopin' we could make this work…hell, i’ll take going back to how things were before.”

“We can never go back.” I said quietly, not looking at him.

“…yeah, i know.”

We stood there awkwardly.

He sighed again, “well, i just wanted to make it clear to yer that i’ll respect your wishes and leave you alone. yer won’t have to worry about me cornerin' or annoyin' ya ever again.” He looked up at me, “i’m sorry for all the shit i pulled in person and online.”

I smiled softly to myself before I could help it, thinking how I did eventually got him back for it all, before I felt the smile leave my face.

He coughed, jarring me from my thoughts as I quickly looked back at him, “with that all settled, i like to go to work now.” He looked away, “or get fuckin' wasted and forget how badly i fucked up.”

“But it’s early?” I said, looking at the clock hanging on the nearby wall.

He shrugged as he moved past me, “it’s five o’clock somewhere.”

“Wh-what if I wanted to go with you?” I whispered, thinking about heading to work.

He stopped and turned around to see my clenched back, “what was that?”

I turned around and waved him off, “It was nothing-“

“the fuck it was.” He moved closer to me, “ar-are you sayin' you’d like and come and get a drink with me?”

I shrugged, “Get wasted, do community service, watch paint dry,” I eyed him, “anything to avoid work right now.”

“what happened?” he asked, looking concerned.

I cocked an eyebrow at him, “Are you fucking serious? Did you already forget what happened before the weekend?”

“i-i didn’t realise that you got in trouble for that.” He replied, not quite meeting my eye.

“Well, if SOMEONE hadn’t interrupted my story with their stalker picture, then SOMEONE would know the full story, wouldn’t they?”

“i did say i would hang around to hear your story after i shared first.” He stared at me as I squirmed, “s’not my fault SOMEONE left and refused to talk to me all weekend.”

I looked away, my arms holding my body, “I-I was surprised, okay?”

He scoffed, “fuckin' understatement of the year.”

I glared at him, “Okay, I was surprised as fuck! I needed a little time organising my thoughts and I couldn’t handle talking to you, alright?!”

“and now?”

“And now what?” I snapped.

He placed his hands into his pockets and looked away, “what are yer thinking now?” he looked back at me and withdrew a hand, gesturing to the both of us, “what are ya thinkin' about ‘us’?”

My irritation left me, leaving me shy and awkward again.

“I-I…I don’t know.”

There was another awkward pause.

“why didn’t you answer me? let me explain shit?”

I looked at him to see his gaze searching mine intently.

I quickly looked away, “I-I don’t know. I-I guess I panicked. I mean, it’s one thing to have someone know what you look like, but it’s a totally different thing to have someone know exactly where you work and fucking live! Never mind the implications that my attitude towards Dick and Sans were two, very fucking different things that just suddenly became the same fucking thing, and a lot of memories with the two have completely different meanings when you realise it’s the same, goddam person!”

I looked back at him, “I was sure as shit wasn’t expecting you to be Dick. I mean, out of all the monsters in the entire fucking world, what are the fucking odds?!”

He chuckled, “tell me about it.”

“When-when did you-“ I stopped. “You know what? I don’t want to know.”

“why?”

I closed my eyes, “Because I’m trying not to think of all the times I’ve acted like an idiot in front of the same person.”

“what, because you’re embarrassed about friday?”

I blushed, refusing to look at him as I firmly closed my eyes.

He chuckled quietly, before sighing, “so, how about we try this in-person then?”

I opened my eyes to see him still staring at me.

“In-person?”

He nodded, “do yer want to try continuin' our friendship, or whatever the fuck it is, in-person?”

I dropped my arms, “I’m-I’m not so good at the whole, ‘face-to-face’ thing.”

He shrugged, “can’t say i’ve had much practice meetin' people online in person either, but i don’t think it will be a big deal for us.” He grinned at me, “we’ve already gotten past the awkward, small talk part.”

“Like fuck we have.” I muttered to myself, watching him grin grow further in response. “You-you’re serious? After everything you’ve seen me do and heard me say, you still want to know me?”

He nodded. “i know I bar we can get hammered at to skip us overall this awkward shit.”

I looked again at the clock, grateful that I had a legit reason to turn him down. “Unless I never want to worry about working again, I really need to work today. Especially today, actually.”

This was still too much, too fast. I-I don’t think I had properly accepted this new reality just yet.

Yet Sans/Dick took it all in strides, “how about later tonight, for drinks and dinner?”

When I looked away, blushing, he quickly added, “it doesn’t have to be a big thing. just come out with me and we’ll pick up a bite and see what happens.”

I was finding looking at him suddenly very hard to do, so I continued to count all the stains on the wall.

After a while of stupid silence from me, he spoke up again, “look, forget it. it was a stupid idea-“

“I-I can’t get hammered.” I was looking at him as he stopped midway disappearing into his jacket, “Work sucks hard enough without adding a migraine into the mix.”

He perked up, smiling, “sure. sounds a bit borin' but i haven’t been bored with you yet.”

“And it can’t be a super late thing either.” I glared at him, “Unlike some people who can do ‘a bit of everything’ and get by, my job requires that I get some sleep the night before.”

He chuckled, “sure grandma. i’ll make sure we get you home before the sun sets.”

Hearing him mock me…fuck, he really was Dick, wasn’t he?

Still, it was weirdly endearing to hear this shit as I quickly shot back, “You’re still a Dick, you know that, right?”

He chuckled, “sure am, tits.”

 

Next chapter is called: Eat it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the really late delay guys, but I've been super busy with several things happening at once =( My computer died, my Internship started, God of War stole my life and the new Avengers movie took my Saturday.
> 
> On that Internship thing, there is a good chance that I'll miss July's update. 6 weeks of full time, unpaid work while working nights is going to be rough...BUT, once it's done, I'm done with Uni!!  
> IF I miss the update, that happens and it sucks. BUT, after I'm done with Internship, I'll have nothing but free time! No promises, but just know that if I miss the July update, I, personally, will want to make up for it.  
> Anyway, sorry for the late realises =(
> 
> Also...
> 
> Writing Sans/ Dick in Chapter 12 was the most obnoxious and hardest thing I think I’ve ever had to do! The way I’m feeling right now, I’m this close to swearing never again. Funny thing though, Chapter 12 doubled this stories length, so that’s something.
> 
> In all seriousness, I didn’t get much feedback about those chapters and I don’t know if it was because of people like them or not. I’m not one to fish for feedback, but I will say that a great many number of authors (myself included) base the success/ was this good idea on the number of feedback they get. If you like something and want to read more of it, be sure to let the author know. Otherwise, silence from our readers feels like we’ve made a mistake and need to correct/ not do that again.
> 
> ....I feel kinda shitty for saying this.


	14. Eat it!

Going to work, knowing what was planned for afterwards, felt like the shortest amount of time I had ever spent at the hole hell. Noticing the time halfway through my workday and seeing just how quickly it had flown by, I had the ‘brilliant’ idea of how I should plan to visit a bar with Sans after every shift, which quickly saw me dissolving into a blushing, giggling idiot in my cubicle, drawing the eyes of all my fellow employees. Then they proceded to keep their distance from me even more than they did on Friday, leaving me with so much time for my stupid brain to cobble any number of fucked up things about how this was all going to go wrong for me.

Like, when I say something embarrassing, where was I going to run and hide my shame?? I couldn’t very well bury my face in my hands! What if I tripped as I was fleeing, and now everyone’s crowded around me, asking if I’m okay and OH MY GOD, I CAN’T DO THIS!!

Ducking into the toilets, I took a quick moment to splash my face, taking deep breaths.

Okay, let’s think rationally about this; if that happens, I’ll ….just move, probably to another fucking planet. Finally join the alien race I was from, because I certainly wasn’t a fucking normal human being. No human being is this awkward over simple shit! I sure didn’t see the other people around me freaking out over just going out from drinks!

Suffice to say, I left work a lot less eager to get home that day.

I was so distracted that I didn’t even pull out my phone to play with as I walked home like I normally did, which I really should have, seeing as it would have kept me out of my own head; aka- the worst place to be.

Fucking hell, even walking went so un-fucking-believable quick, as all too soon I was staring at my front door.

“ready to go?”

I screamed, dropping my keys as I raised myself into what I like to call my ‘crouching coward’ stance, looking around.

Sans was several steps back from me, his eye-lights open wide in surprise as he gapped at me, slowly turning into a smile.

Feeling the flush of shame pooling in my cheeks, I quickly bent down and remained there, under the pretence of searching for my keys though my hands coving my face.

“Forget you saw any of that.” I mumbled through my clenched fists.

Well-fucking-done! What was that, a second! The moment I find my keys, I’m going to run inside, yelling something about getting change and spend that time screaming into a pillow, and-!

I heard something heavy and soft hitting and sliding down my front door, before the sound of keys getting jiggled around in front of my face reached my brain.

I peeked through my cracked fingers.

“i believe these are yours?” Sans said, crouching in front of my door and waving my keys, smiling softly at me.

Absentmindedly, I held out my hands, grabbing them when he dropped them into my hand.

“Th-thanks.”

He winked, pushing himself up, “now, do you need anythin' from inside or are you ready to go?”

I pushed myself up too, my still flushed face looking between him and the door he was blocking. I quickly looked down at what I was wearing and thought about it.

Technically I was good to go. I had my keys (now), wallet, phone and my smart-casual work clothes were generally acceptable in most environments, so I didn’t really need to change. I had a few dresses, some nicer looking clothes and a whole truckload of comfortable clothes that I like to claim came from my own clothesline of ‘Fuck Adulting’, but I had no clue what was appropriate! What did you wear when you were getting to know an online friend in person at a bar you had never been at??

Knowing that I would probably spend hours trying on my comfortable clothes and taking them off because they looked like I didn’t care, yet the nicer clothes made me look like I cared too much, and hours more just recovering from all of this, which would only make me feel worse because here was Sans, ready to go, I quickly shook my head.

“N-no, I guess I’m ready to go.”

Sans grinned, moving out of the way and over to the elevator.

After a quick look at my door, I pocketed my keys and followed him in as the elevator doors opened and took us down to the ground level.

It was hell to stand there in silence, with me quickly looking over and seeing Sans just standing there, rocking on the balls of his feet like he was having the time of his god damn life.

Desperate to hear something other than the voice in my head cursing me out for my record beating on how quickly I embarrassed myself, I instead asked, “I-I thought we were going to have dinner. Isn’t it a bit early?”

I had been planning to go home and relax a bit….oh, who was I kidding, I wasn’t going to relax.

Not tonight.

Sans looked over at me in surprise, “don’t yer know what time it is?”

I shook my head, pulling out my phone.

“well, it’s later than ya think. part of the reason why i was over at your door was that i thought you were already home and were expectin' me to knock. we didn’t exactly plan how this was goin' to go.”

I’ll be damned, it was very late. I must have really taken my time leaving work and walking home. That, or my digital clock was fucking with me…not ruling that out just yet.

“But I was sure I left super early.” I said, absentmindedly, recalling how time basically didn’t exist today.

Sans shrugged, returning to look at the elevator doorway, “assumin' you didn’t stop anywhere and you didn’t crawl home, i’d say you left later than ya think you did.”

I couldn’t argue with that, and I didn’t see much point in pursuing this conversation, so I let it die.

Soon the elevator opened up and I followed Sans out of the building, awkwardly coordinating ourselves as I let Sans guide us towards our destination, walking down the footpath, side by side in suffocating silence.

When he soon turned down into a nearby sketchy ally that I knew lead to the back of nearby stores, however, I stopped and asked, “Why are you taking me down a sketchy alleyway?”

He turned around to see me looking at him from the alley entrance, cocking an eyebrow as he smirked back at me, “what, you scared tits?”

I glared at him, “Fuck off Dick. I know you monsters all think your tough shit, but only an idiot does this kind of shit that welcomes an attack.”

He actually had the nerve to laugh at that, his hands still in his pockets. After his quick chuckle, he grinned at me, his gold tooth flashing in the evening light as the street lights came on, “trust me, if any mugger tried attackin' us, it’d be them havin' the bad day, not us.”

“Since when is a mugging fun?” I waggled my fingers at him, “Even if your voodoo kept us safe, it still means we were mugged. Not exactly what I call ‘not a big thing’ of an outing.”

“depends on your definition.” When he saw how unimpressed I was with his shit, he shrugged and gestured to me, “yer know, the longer you stand there arguin', the more likely us gettin' muggled is, right?”

“You’re right.” I turned to leave.

“wait a minute!”

I turned around to see him hurrying back over to me.

I waved a hand vaguely behind him, “Where are you even taking me? I know where this leads, and it doesn’t exactly lead to any bars or pubs.”

“do ya now?” he asked, with a knowing smirk.

That got me.

“Whu- why of course I do.” I folded my arms, refusing to be tricked, “I live in this area, same as you…asshole.”

He leaned forward, wiggling his fingers as he whispered, “what if i told you, i know a shortcut?”

I looked from his waggling fingers to his waggling eyebrows.

“Y-you’re talking about magic, aren’t you?”

He returned his hand to his jacket, “come on tits, i thought yer said it would be cool to have magic? that yer were okay with monsters havin' magic?”

“To have magic, sure, but it’s a totally different thing to just spring that out of nowhere!” I looked beyond him, and deeper into the darkened alleyway. “And your magic only works if we go down Bruce Parent’s alleyway?”

He smirked, “well, i do know another way,” he held out a hand to me, “but it requires a hug.”

Now I was looking between his ‘come here’ hand gesture and his self-confident smile. Holly hell, could he go to hell right now! This was meant to be a fun outing, not entrapment!

“Sophia had an easier choice than this.” I muttered, looking down into the alleyway again.

“who’s sophia?”

“Nevermind.” I took a deep breath and made my choice.

The idea that Sans’s magic required me to hug him was suspicious as fuck, but it was either that, head home or risking getting stabbed.

No matter how confident the cocky bastard was at keeping us safe, I’d rather not test it.

So I took his hand, feeling the weird texture that was his hand (minus the goddam buzzer!). His smile was practically smug as he gave my hand a gentle squeeze, before pulling me in. I stumbled over my feet and landed squarely onto his chest, with his other hand holding firm my shoulder and soften the fall. I looked up at him, surprised.

He grinned down at me, the street light behind his head darken his feature so all I could focus on was his absolute beaming smile and his soft glowing red eyes.

“fallin' for me already, y/n?”

I punched his chest, hard enough to mean it more than just playfully.

He quickly let go of me to rub his sore chest, leaving me glaring at him as I back up and yelled, “A little more warning next time, Dick!”

“why did ya punch me??” he complained, still rubbing his chest.

“I don’t know, why was I just pulled off my feet?”

“i was pullin' yer in! remember what i said about it requirin' a hug??”

I looked away, blushing, “Yeah? Well, how about a bit more warning next time?!”

“you want more of a warnin'?” He growled, moving closer towards me, intimidatingly, “here it is; i’m gonna to fuck the shit out of ya.”

“Wh-what?”

While my brain was still processing what he said, he grabbed my hand and twirled me in, holding me tightly against his chest. The next thing I knew, the universe physics got drunk and I was free falling in an endless space for a second that felt like it would go on forever.

When physics sobered, it took with it my sense of balance and replaced in with nausea.

“Oh god!” I bent over in Sans’s arms, my backside grinding against his front as his arms remained locked around my waist.

“h-hey now, not in public.” I heard him say, tightly.

I couldn’t respond to the pervert's comment because I was too busy trying not to be sick, my hands to clutching stomach. When Sans eventually let me go, I crouched on the street floor, barely acknowledging the awkward pats on my back.

“hee hee, sorry about that. i know doin' that way sucks for the passenger. but in all fairness, i wanted to go the easier way.

All I could do, was flip him the finger, twirling it so he knew he could go ahead and fuck himself.

He gave a barking laugh, which did little to calm me, before leaning down next to me, moving his smug face into my vision.

“so, are you gonna come in on your feet or on your hands or knees?”

I glared at him, glaring harder the bigger that smug look got. Seeing no point to this, I decided to gingerly push myself up, taking the process to stand upright in little steps. By the time I managed it, Dick was standing next to me, still way too fucking smug for my first murder victim.

“I hate you.” I gasped, feeling well enough to shuffle at best.

“do ya know?” he ignored my glare to throw his arm around me, helping to guide me out of this shitty alleyway.

“What the hell did you even do?” I looked side to side, noting the amazing changes to, no wait, it was still the same shitty alleyway! “Besides making me know what colours taste like, I don’t see anything ‘magical’ here. It’s still the same shitty alleyway!”

“is it really?”

“You better take that smug tone out of your voice before I punch you again and call a cab! For a hundred dollars, I’m sure I can get the guy to run you over before taking me back.”

Sans laughed, pulling me in closer, “if you’d just stop threatenin' me with death, you might have noticed where we are.”

I looked over at him, ready to tell him it wasn’t a threat but a promise at this point, when it finally clicked that this wasn’t the exit to the alleyway I knew. We were standing in a completely new area, with a lot more monster stores and business around than I was used to seeing.

“Is-is this the monster district??”

The monster district was on the other side on town! Miles away from our apartment complex!

“that a problem?”

Something in his tone made me look over at him, confused, “Why would it be?” I looked around, waving an arm, “You’ve only teleported me clear across town in a matter of seconds!”

He seemed pleased, keeping his arm around me as he gestured off to the side, “and here’s our destination.”

Looking to the side, I saw a purple, neon sign that simply said ‘Grillby’s’, placed high and proud. The bar itself wasn’t that impressive; a simple black and purple theme that bespoke a cool, suave experience, sort of styled between a classic English pub and a modern look.

The whole bar looked nice, but I’d be lying if I hadn’t heard better things.

“I-I thought monster places had a lot more flash, a lot more…perzaz?” I said, taking my arm from out under him, standing on my own two feet.

Honestly, with the distraction and the short distance I had walked, I was feeling a lot better.

Sans rolled his eyes, grumpily shoving his hands into his jacket as he lead me towards Grillby's, “that’s shiny-brain’s metatton's thing. it’s a disgrace to us monsters that he and his horrible taste is what you humans think of when ya think monster business and food.

“Well maybe if his face wasn’t on every other monster product.” I pointed out, literally as we walked past the building right next to the bar that was an all-night fast-food store, the monster’s face in question winking down at us.

“yeah, yeah.” Sans held open the door to Grillby’s bar, indicating his head inside.

I took one look inside and counted way too many eyes and teeth.

His grin fell, “not chickenin' out now, are ya?”

“Y-you never said the bar you were thinking of was an all monster place.”

“thought you didn’t have a problem with monsters.” He said, letting the door close.

I folded my arms, “I don’t, and if you keep acting like I do, I’m going to actually start having a problem with just one monster.” I gestured to my clothes, “In case you forgot, I’m the human tax accountant that sees all the monster clients in a very large area; other companies just ship them to the place I work because no one wants to deal with you guys.” I pointed to the door, “Who knows if any of my clients are in there. I certainly wasn’t able to win hearts and minds with paperwork!”

“hey, i was your client, and you won over my heart and mind.”

When I didn’t smile, he came closer to me, rubbing the back of his neck, “look, i can find us a quiet place to eat in a booth, somewhere in the corner. the point i’m tryin' to make is i know the guy who owns this place, and he won’t let anyone give ya any grief…if yer pay your tabs.”

“Are you sure...and why does that sound like something you know from personal experience?”

He nodded as he grinned, before gesturing to himself, “in case you forgot, i’m a monster, and a lot of non-monster places don’t exactly tolerate monsters just walkin' in. do yer know of a place still open that you’d rather go to that wouldn’t make a big deal about me?”

“….I don’t know. I can’t exactly say I’ve ever seen monsters walk in the few places I eat at.”

“there’s a reason for that tits.”

I sighed, rubbing my eyes, before looking up and nodded. He brightened and went back to holding the door open, snickering when he heard me mumbling, “I’m picking the next place.” under my breath.

The inside of Grillby's was pretty tame (I don’t know what I was expecting, but after Sans and his ‘shortcut’, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were tables on the ceiling). Booth lined one side of the building and random tables were scattered to the other side, taking up most of the space. At the back was a bar with stools, with a purple flaming bartender in a suave outfit tending it, and a jukebox off to the side of the bar. A door that looked like it lead to the back somewhere on the furthest wall to the entrance, and that was about it.

Oh, did I forget to mention all the monster! Monsters who had completely stopped whatever they had been doing to glare at me!

A few I could recognise as clients!

Fuck me, I knew this was a bad idea!

“Sans!” I hissed, moving to stand behind him, “I told you this was a bad idea! Everyone's staring and I’m not seeing a whole lot of happy smiles! I even see a few of my clients!”

“s’not only you they’re lookin' at, trust me.” He grumbled.

Before I could call bullshit on that, he moved over to a free booth and I quickly followed.

“sit here for a second, kay?” he said when I sat down on the side that would at least let me see who was going to attack me.

“Wait, don’t leave me!” I cried out in alarm.

Before I had a chance to call him an asshole, the asshole actually winked at me and wandered off to the bar, grinning and saying something to everyone he passed. Apparently, he had broken some taboo, because none of these monsters (whom he was obviously very chummy with) returned his smile. In fact, a lot of them were looking between him and me in disgusted and poorly hidden rage.

I quickly busied myself with a nearby mean, trying to not calculate how long it would take me to dash to the door.

What felt like forever, yet before I had my plan of action fully fleshed out (which did involve turn the pepper shaker into a smoke bomb), Dick came sliding back onto his side of the booth, grinning.

“figured out what you’re gettin' yet?” he had the nerve to ask, rather than fall to his knees, begging for forgiveness.

“Where the hell did you go??” I hissed, holding up the menu and pretending I wasn’t yelling at a monster.

Sans shrugged, settling deeper into his seat, “just wanted to make sure grillby would pop over and take our orders.”

I dropped my menu, “The owner of the bar himself is going to take our orders??”

“sure is, so i’d figure out what you’re havin' quickly.”

“I-I-“ I picked up my menu again, any appetite I had was gone now that I had an unseen timer on!

Sans chuckled at my distress, before offering not helpful suggestions. “Why don’t you get lasagna?”

I lowered my menu, looking at him, unamused. “I don’t know, why don’t you?”

He chuckled, “i already know what i’m gettin' tits.”

“Well, fucking do-da for you!” I said, hiding back behind my menu.

I pretended I couldn't hear him chuckling over on his side, but I really wish I could have blocked out his next words, “by the way, how do ya know grillby’s a guy?”

My face exploded in blush as the hands holding the menu clenched involuntarily. Still, I tried playing it off, “I have no idea what you mean! I never said he was a guy!”

Curse my squeaky voice!

“ya just did.”

“No, I didn’t!”

“You most certainly did, human.”

The sound of this new voice, a voice that seemed to crackle and pop with a deep mellow tone, stopped me in my piss-poor attempts to preserve whatever shreds of dignity I thought I had left. In horror, I lowered my menus slightly, confirming who I already knew would be standing there.

The purpler flame monster from the bar was standing off to the side, one hand resting on his hips as his pure white eyes looked over his glass and down at me. Up close, I could see how his wicked mouth was twisted into a smirk, the flames on his head swaying backwards into sharp flames with a hint of smoke at the ends. He was wearing a black, four button suit jacket, lined with white fur that seemed to arch around his neck and end at a point towards his navel. He wore a red tie and white undershirt,  complete with skin-tight black slacks, pointed black shoes and bartender apron.

Overall, he was suave as all hell, and just as hot as hell itself.

Literally, the air around me was heating up, but I honestly couldn’t say if that was just because a literal monster made of fire was next to me, or the stress of today was finally catching up to me.

The flame monster pulled out a small notebook, pulling out a pencil from it, licked the tip (that saw the pencil smouldering), and looked down at me. “So, what will it be?”

“Um…”

Honestly, I was having trouble focusing; something about the way the flames on his head danced and curled was oddly hypnotising.

That, and I’m an idiot that is always finding new ways to make life just a bit more fucked up for me.

Sans chuckled, quickly bringing me back to reality and burring my head behind my menu as my blush returned full force, “she’ll have what i’ll have grillz.”

Rolling his eyes, Grillby put away the notebook, not bothering to write anything down. I could see him looking more closely at me, before I had a chance to pretend I was looking for a drink to have.

Still, I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t startled when he heavily dropped himself onto out table with one hand, startling a flinch from me. Hurriedly, I put my menu down and looked up into his eyes.

Seeing that he had my attention, he said, “You know, you humans have a lot of nerve asking us monsters for taxes. Not many monsters I know actually use these services that all our taxes go towards paying.”

“grillby.” Sans said, a slight growl in his tone.

But Grillby merely held his hand in front of Sans face, not looking away from me.

“I-I’m sorry about that.” I looked away, knowing nothing I said at this point would matter, but still, “I’m not the one who makes the rules; I’m merely paid to do the paperwork.”

Grillby puffed out a wisp of blue fire, his eyes narrowing at me, “You’re just lucky that I was able to build up my clientele in the Underground. I know a lot of other monsters who weren't so lucky. You humans are quite picky when it comes to who you’re willing to give your business to.”

“You-you’ve been operating a bar since the Underground?” I asked, nervously.

“I’ve been operating the same bar for much longer than that.”

“Th-then why don’t you claim monster tradition and heritage, and write off your taxes that way?”

Grillby stood up, his eyes opening wide, “What?”

“If-if you’ve been operating the bar, under the same name since the Underground, you could claim that as part of the monster compensation and adjustment tax break, which would cover some of your business expenses.” I looked down at my hands, rambling at this point, “an-and if you could prove that the bar has existed longer than that, you could claim monster heritage and write off the land taxes too.”

I looked around, “You could also probably claim this site as a historical landmark and write off all your other expenses, like amenities and upkeep, as maintenance, but you’d have to prove it and allow people to come in and see it….which I guess works out for you anyway.”

“You-.” He stopped himself midsentence and, instead, quickly pulled out his phone, tapping furiously at the screen.

When he hit a final button, it seemed to me that even his glasses slipped down in shocked surprised.

He looked slowly up back at me, “I’d save myself a million dollars every year!”

“whoa grillby,” said Sans, just as shocked, before grinning, “guess ya can go ahead and forget my tab then, right?”

But Grillby ignored him, and instead turned around to face the rest of the bar. Pointing to my shocked face, he called out, “Hurt this human and suffer!”

Still blushing, I watched as he turned around and stared heavily into my eyes, “So, my perfect match, that will be free meals and drinks for the rest your life …if I can get all the paperwork done.”

The air was defiantly heating up, and I was mostly sure it wasn’t me; this guy was boiling the air!

Sweating, I tried leaning back subtly, “If you get-get me a bit of paper and something to write with, I-I’ll down those forms names for you.”

Grillby’s wicked smile curled at the edges, and he dug into his apron again, pulling out the same notebook from before, sliding it across to me with flare.

“Don’t forget your number too, my little match.” He said, winking at me as he turned to leave, ignoring the dirty look Sans threw him.

I could only stare at the notebook before me, really marvelling that only I could turn a cowardly response about my job and filling out tax paperwork into a monster requesting my goddamn number!

I dropped my head into my hands, hating life’s cruel sense of humour.

“you little flirt.”

I looked up in disbelief to see Sans glaring at me.

“What??” I cried out, gesturing to the notebook, “You think I wanted this?? I sure as fuck didn’t mean to flirt using goddamn paperwork!”

But he ignored me, tutting as he shook his head slowly side to side with his eyes closed, looking disappointed, “usin' your sexy paper talk on the poor guy.” He opened an eye and grinned at my blushing face, “no man can resist such strong advances, you tax slut.”

I scoffed, “Oh sure, nothing sexier than talking about alpha form 3.4.3, dash clauses and exceptions-“

With every mind-numbing word I said, Sans groaned, his breathing growing heavier and more lustful the longer I went.

Laughing heartily, I lightly kicked his leg under the table, “You better stop that, or I’ll bust out a stapler.”

He bit his bottom lip, “no toys on our first date; i have to save somethin' for the honeymoon.”

My face exploded in blush, causing him to laugh his arse off. Trying to save face and trying to block his laughter, I instead got to work writing down the stuff that got me in this stupid mess in the first place.

After I finished writing down the forms Grillby wanted, plus a few others I had forgotten, and a few basic instructions on how to fill them out, I was left looking at the blank spot at the bottom, where a number should be going, but fucking wasn’t.

I-I- who the hell would want to date me??

I was undateable!!

This pressure was way too much! How was I suppose to turn him down?? No one was ever supposed to ask me in the first place!

“here, gimme that.”

I watched at Sans leaned across and dragged the notebook closer to him. The pencil in my hand was surrounded in a red glow, slipping from my hand with a gasp from me and a smirk from him, before floating over to him. He grabbed the pencil from mid-air, looking at my handwriting.

“way too fuckin' neat.” He cursed, scribbling something I couldn’t see.

I laughed, feeling guilty about this, “Y-you call that neat? Your standards are much too low then.”

After watching him for about a second, I chuckled even as I scoffed, “I don’t dot my i’s with little hearts!”

“ya do now.” He grinned as he looked back up at me, cocking an eyebrow, “unless you’d rather tell him yourself?”

“I-I-“ I looked away, “I don’t want to lead him on.”

Sans went back to it, “don’t worry, when he calls the number, he’ll know you’re not interested and back off.”

“You sure?”

His grin sharpened, predatorily, “definitely.”

Not really knowing how to respond to that and feeling way too flustered for a proper response, I waited till Sans finished whatever he was doing before sliding the notebook back to me.

Looking at what he had written, I was almost embarrassed for him.

I looked up and grinned, “You haven’t seen too many real women’s handwriting, have you?”

“what’s wrong with what i did?” he asked, getting a bit defensive.

I pointed to all the hearts, “What do you take me for, a tween?”

“s’pose to come from a chick, not me, remember?” He shrugged into his jacket, “he’ll know it’s me if i didn’t try and throw him off the scent.”

“Which is why it’s all in cursive?”

“yea.”

“Yet what I’ve already written isn’t done like that.”

He cursed, blushing slightly, before reaching out for the notebook, “look, you can give it here and tell the ash-breather yourself if you’re going to nitpick every little fuckin' thing like this.”

But I held out the notebook out of reach, staring at what he considered a ‘personal’ touch.

“Why did you write, ‘call me hot stuff’?”

He pulled back his hand, rolling his eyes, “i’m here often enough to know what ladies call him.”

I sat back, looking over at the bar to see Grillby walking out with two plates and some drinks on a tray, heading towards us.

“He was pretty hot, wasn’t he?” I said, thinking about the near sweat I was about to experience again.

Sans gapped at me, “y-you what??”

“Grillby, the purple flame monster, was hot.” I gestured my hand at him, “what, don’t tell me you didn’t feel anything?”

Actually, now that I was looking him over, I had never thought about how everyday things like sense of touch and temperature might not exactly translate properly to a monster with literally no skin.

Could he even feel the heat?

Sans, meanwhile, was glowering at me, “what the hell am i even doin' wastin' my time on that note if you’re findin' him hot?!”

“What?” I asked, confused now.

Where the fuck had that tone come from?

Before he had a chance to give me what looked like a piece of his mind, a tray was placed between us.

“Your orders.” Grillby said, placing things in front of both of us.

We both got an order of burger with fries, but where Sans got a bottle of mustard and a shot of something that might be whisky, I got something that moved and flickered with light, like fire made liquid.

“What is this?” I asked, pressing my face to the table to watch the colours shift.

“Eternal flames.” Grillby said, rather proudly and pointedly ignore Sans’s glare, “It’s a magically infused alcoholic drink. Perfectly safe for humans.”

“You serve drinks with magic in them?” I asked quietly, looking up at him in wonder.

He grinned down at me, purring his next words, “Of course, little match. And you will get to taste everything I have to offer, which is more than you can possibly know. Which reminds me.” He plucked the notebook from my hand, leaning in closer to me to do so. He lingered long enough for me to start sweating, before he moved back, chuckling.

He glanced to the bottom of the page and chuckled again, pocketing the notebook.

“I’ll be sure to chase up these forms and keep in contact you through Sans.” He smirked down at the glaring skeleton, “Won’t I?”

“too fuckin’ right.” Sans growled.

Still chuckling, Grillby picked up the now empty tray, and inclined his head towards my direction.

“I’ll be seeing you around...and soon, I hope.” When he turned to leave, he looked down at Sans, “Oh, and I’ll be adding your meal and drinks to your tab.”

Rolling his eyes, Sans grunted and moved closer to his meal, picking up his burger.

With a final wink to me, Grillby left and headed back towards the bar.

Not really knowing what to say, and after looking at Sans as he tore into his burger like he had just killed it, I picked up a couple of chips as I went back to staring at the drink. The chips were really good, but nothing was going to beat a drink that was actually glowing!

“why don’t you just have a drink already?”

I looked up at Sans to see him…drinking the mustard.

“Are you drinking mustard??”

He shrugged, and proceeded to squirt more into his mouth. Swallowing it, he offered the bottle to me, “don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”

I was all prepared to leave him hanging, but then he waggled his eyebrows at me, and I smiled despite myself. Snatching the bottle from his hand and avoiding looking at his smug face, I stuck a bit on my finger and tried some.

“Mmm, yep.” I handed the bottle back, “That is defiantly just mustard. And you’re drinking it.”

His smile fell as he took back the bottle, gesturing to the liquid flame before me. “go on then. i know you’re dyin' to appease the ash-breather.”

“Sans, there is literally a glass full of liquid fire magic in front of me. Quit acting like me being more amazed by that rather than the prospect of drinking mustard is some sort of betrayal.” I put my head back to the table, swirling the glass and watching the flame arch up in absolute fascination, “My god, magic is the coolest ever!”

“i guess i keep forgettin' this shit is still fascinatin' to you humans.” He stopped rubbing the back of his head and gestured to the glass, grinning this time, “okay, now you’ve got to try it. i’m actually curious how you’re going to react.”

“Am- am I going to burst into flames?” I asked, trying to play it off as a joke question, but dammit if it just suddenly become a legit concern.

Judging by his uproarious laughter I was safe. Not safe to keep my dignity in tack, but safe enough to trust the drink. Still, this wasn’t the plan, and it wasn’t like I asked for the drink.

I pushed it towards him, “You have this, I’ll see about ordering something without alcohol in it.”

“what?” he asked, looking from the drink to me, clearly confused, “but why? it’s just one little drink and you clearly want to try it.”

I shook my head, taking a bite of the burger while I looked to the bar, hoping that Grillby would look over soon so that I could wave him over. After all the sweating he made me do, the least he could do was bring me a glass of water….which might explain the drink the flame monster gave me wasn’t water.

….wait, a flame monster was tending bar, a place filled with alcohol?

Trying not to think about close to ‘death by fireball’ I might be, I wasn’t exactly prepared for Sans to wave his hand in my view of vision, bringing my attention back to him

“look, i’ll get him in a sec, but, trust me, you’ll want to try some of this.”

He pushed the cup back to me.

“Peer pressure much?” I pushed it back, “I have work tomorrow Sans, I’m not getting a headache just because the drink looks really, really cool.”

“it does more than just look cool.” To demonstrate, he picked up the glass and took a mouthful.

After smirking at my unimpressed face, his entire skull suddenly became engulfed in flames, almost scorching the roof.

“ahhh! my skull!” Sans screamed, his hands held up in pain as his face twisted in agony.

“Holy shit!” I screamed, stumbling sideways out of the booth and onto the floor.

Wildly, I look around at all the monster still glaring at us, “Someone, please help him!!”

“tits, tits! it’s okay, i promise!” He said, moving quickly out of the booth and reaching towards me, his skull still enflamed!

“Like hell it is, you dumb fuck! Your head is still on fire!!”

I picked myself and ran to the bar, screaming, “Water!! We need water!!”

Hands grabbed my arms and dragged me back, but I fought it, kicking and screaming, “Why is no one helping him?!? What’s wrong with you people?!?”

“y/n!!!”

The fact is was Sans’s voice yelling in my ear stopped me long enough to look over my shoulder at his strained skull.

His strained, sweaty, nervous as all hell and completely fine skull.

I could only gape at him, like fish out of water, as he guided us awkwardly back into our booth, glaring back at any of the monsters that were looking at us (okay, me) strangely.

When he guided me back to my side, I watched him sit on his side, still looking nervous as all hell.

“really didn’t think that though.” He muttered to himself, before looking shyly at me, “how are you doin' over there y/n?”

….

…

..

.

“What the fuck was that??” I pointed to him, to the drink, switching between them like some sudden realisation would just happen for me, “Why the hell are you so calm about all that?? How the hell did you put your own skull out??”

I yelled to the bar at large, “Why did no one help??”

“gezz tits, shut the fuck up and let me explain, alright!”

I closed my mouth, beyond words at this point anyway.

Sans rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly looking like he’d rather be somewhere else, “s’what magical drink do; they normally have cool effects, so when you drink it, somethin' magical or some shit happens.” He looked sheepishly at me, “and let's say, if a monster knew what the effect was going to be, they could technically amplify the drink’s effect to a ridiculous level, creatin' a visual effect that may be on the exaggeration side of things.”

“And why would a monster, who clearly no longer wants to live, decide that this would be a good idea to do?” I replied, slow and calmy.

Sans shrank further into his jacket, “f-for a prank…that may have gotten out of hand.”

“I see.”

I closed my eyes, took a couple of breaths.

And stood up.

“y-y/n?”

I ignored him, and walked calmly over to the bar, ignoring the stares I got. I was used to stares, I was used to Sans’s shit.

What I was not use was lying down and just taking it.

“Hey Grillby?”

He watched me approached, cleaning a cup methodically. He appeared highly amused, but I was trying not to think how I just gave everyone a free freak show.

So instead I said as I leaned on the bar, “I’m looking to get some payback on a certain dick for keeping certain information to himself, using my ignorance for his amusement.”

“I saw that yes.” Grillby chuckled, small wisps of blue flames coming out with each chuckle.

I blushed in shame, but continued, “Am I right in thinking you have a whole range of drinks that do cool things like that flame thing?”

He bent down and slide a drinks menu over to me on the bar.

I opened it up and read down the list. There were a few things the peeked my interests; things that I was sure would just kill Sans to have happened to him here.

But.

I looked over my shoulder and saw him glaring over at me, peeking over the booth.

Waving back at him as I smiled pleasantly, I continued speaking to Grillby, “He’s a regular here, isn’t he?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

I sighed, “Which tells me he probably knows everything on this list and would know what’s coming.”

I looked around the shelves, thinking.

“Can, can you make a new drink? One that combines some of these effects?” I asked, pointing to a few on the list.

Grillby smirked, placing both hands on the countertop and cocking his hips to the side, “I am an ageless flame, I have been around for centuries.” He moved in closer to me, tilting my head back by lifting my chin in is oddly pleasant hand, “Tell me what your heart's desire is and I shall create a drink that will rock you to your very core.”

I then got an idea. A wonderful idea. It was an awful, wonderful idea!

“Do you have a pen I could borrow? I really don’t know how to explain this without a picture.”

~*~

“what the fuck is grillby lookin' so smug about?”

I looked over at Grillby, who could not keep his grin off his face, shrugging as I sat down, “Oh, I ordered you a drink.”

Sans looked sharply at me, “really? so what did ya order then? a slippery nipple that makes me constantly flash myself, fuzzy-wuzzy that’ll make me all cute as shit?”

“Sans, Sans, Sans, you make it sound like I’m angry at you and I’m seeking petty revenge.” I cooed, finishing my mouthful of burger.

He rolled his eyes, “so yer want me to believe that you’re not angry at me?”

I was chewing my mouthful when he asked the question. So instead, I waggled my eyebrows.

“Compliments from the lady across the table Sans.” said Grillby, pulling out the drink in question from behind his back.

The drink was in a shot glass and was pure opaque, white liquid. There was no glow effect to it, no smell, no bubbling effects.

Just the liquid.

Sans looked at this drink in extreme distrust. “if you really think i’m going to drink a cup full of what looks like spit and or cum, yer can go fuck yourself.”

I grinned at him, “I promise you, nothing gross when into the making of that drink.”

“how do i know you’re not lyin'?”

“Cause if I am, I’ll order and drink anything off that drinks menu, including that ‘adults only hour’ section.”

Seeing me having no problem saying that and looking serious about it, Sans looked back to the shot in front of him. He picked it up, stirring it around, before taking a whiff.

“what the fuck grillby! it’s got about twice the amount of magic your other drinks have!”

“You’re worth that much to us, Sans.” Grillby grinned.

Seeing that he wasn’t getting out of this cleanly, he pointed a finger at me, “so, let me get this straight, if i drink this, then all’s forgiven? no linger bad feelings, no more pranks. we’re square?”

I grinned, finishing the last of my burger as I licked my fingers. “Completely.” I smirked, evilly.

He continued to glare at my smug face, looking between Grillby and me and probably noticed how we were both watching him like a cat watches a mouse. With his options expended, he rolled his eyes, chucked his head back and swallowed the whole thing in one go.

He smacked his jaw, tasting the aftertaste, “s’not that bad actually. almost got a creamy, milky flavour-“

*Pbpbpbpbpbhhht!*

Where once sat Sans smacking his jaw and commentating on the taste of his new favourite drink, was a Sans-size, stumpy, atomically correct dick with noodle arms, wearing Sans’s jacket, with just one eye facing me from the tip of its head.

I died.

I fucking died.

I was laughing so much that it quickly robbed me of the air I needed to laugh more, and I was actually choking.

I-I think I’m passing out!

Only seeing Sans, the now literal dick, angrily push himself up and free of the booth sobered my laughter from the brink of hysteria.

“S-Sans, wait!!”

He ignored me, pushed right pass Grillby bent over with molten tears pouring from his eyes and headed right for the exist….on his new stumpy ball-sack legs.

I quickly pushed myself up free of the booth too, making a dash for him and grabbing his noodle arm outside, just as a jerking motion took me somewhere else.

It was the same feeling of physics getting drunk from before, but now it felt like gravity was taking shots too, my perception about existence itself was getting shuffled around like an etchy board.

I let go, and the force that I hit the ground was enough to role me head over body, really hurting my neck as I lay groaning on the ground.

“Oh fucking hell!” I cursed, both hands clutching my mouth as I lay on my stomach, trying not to throw up and in some serious pain.

“prrrt pffft phhhh!!”

Following the weird farting sounds, I looked up to see Dick staring down at me, obviously pissed even in this new form.

He gestured to me, waving a noodle arm in my face, “thhhpppbh phhhhrt pfft!”

I face planted into the carpet of a strange bedroom I had never seen before, crying in laughter.

The sight of Dick failing his arms around and the fact that he could only speak in weird spluttering fart sounds-

I-I’m actually going to be sick!

“Hurp! Oh god! S-s-s-s-Sans!! Don’t ma-*wheeze!* make me laugh!!”

I was kicked over by squishy ball sacks, leaving me facing up and into Dick’s really pissed off face as he bent over me, making aggressive fart-spluttering sounds.

I brought both hands up to my face, laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face, quickly coughing as spit pooled in my lungs. Every time I looked up, there was Dick, waving his goddam noodle arms at me, pissed, and I went right back to chocking to death on my own laughter.

Seeing my visions starting to fade at the corners and the fact laughing was now actually painful, I rolled over on my side and curled into a fetal position, still laughing my stupid ass off. I felt one of my hands pried away from me and wrapped in a noodlelike grip, before I was dragged towards the door.

“W-wait!!” I wheezed, already sounding croaky.

My body was still being dragged, so I quickly pulled my hand free and rolled away. With the distance I looked up from the floor to see Dick standing by a door, his arms resting onto of his ball sacks.

I snorted like an idiot, burying my face back into the ground as the laughter started fresh.

Hearing him shuffle towards me again, I cried out, “Wait! Giv-hee-give me a second!”

Immediately, I pushed myself into my hands and knees, taking big breaths as my whole body shook in laughter, pain and lightheadedness that only happens when you don’t get enough air in a while.

With what took way too fucking long, I was able to take in smooth breaths without my laughs doing a weird hiccup thing. The more steady breaths I took in, the calmer I felt, till eventually, I was able to push myself up to my knees, still beaming like a moron.

I met Sans’s one eye, “Look, I know you’re probably very pissed at me and more than a bit embarrassed, but *snicker* I-I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re one hell of a stand-up guy!”

I couldn’t fucking help myself as I brought both hands up to my mouth, trying to hide the goofiest smile I had ever had and the laughter that was threating to break out.

Seeing Sans clearly not amused and looking away from me in anger help sober up my laughter as regret started kicking in.

I looked at my hands in my lap, “Look, Grilby said the effects won’t last long and you’ll be back to you again. When you get your voice back, I know you’ve got a few choice words for me,” I took a deep breath and looked up at him, “but I just want you to know how much tonight meant for me.”

That seemed to surprise him as he actually made eye contact with me, before gesturing for me to go on.

I smiled before I looked to my hands again, watching how I automatically twisted them, “You-you may not know this about me, but I’m such awkward social weirdo that I get flustered about anything new very easily.” I looked up at him, “Do you have any idea how much I was freaking out over the weekend? Remember how badly I dealt with actually talking to you earlier today, and then you had to ask me if I wanted to go out for dinner??” I looked off to the side, “The entire time, I was screaming ‘no’ in my head. Not because of you! But because of the very thought of it- of going out and talking- one on one!”

I took a calming breath, before looking up at him, “But I didn’t want to risk losing your friendship, so I said yes….and proceded to have panic attacks all day at work today. I-I was so scared and really freaking out,” I smiled softly up at him, “And you’ve just made that all go away.”

I pushed myself up and came walking over to him, “I-I think I’m over the fact that you know me online and in person. I feel like things just clicked and we’re back to how things were before the weekend.” I stood before him, looking him up and down, before grinning cheekily at him, “I now get to tell people that my Dick is bigger than theirs.”

Sans gapped at me (or rather, his one eye opened wider), before there was more sputtering sounds as he doubled over and laughed however he could in this form.

Seeing him laughing and feeling really good about it, I continued, “So, if this change is permanent, does your new hairstyle require a blowdry or a blowjob?”

More laughter.

“Oh my god, if you take a shower and you're cleaning yourself, does that count as masturbation now??”

Even more laughter, from the both us now.

“*Snort* Pep-people are always saying two heads are better than one!”

Next thing I knew I was being tackled, my back hitting the bed as Sans hugged me with his gross noodle arms. He was way too soft!!

“Eww! My dick is hugging me!! Someone help me!”

When he pressed his super gross face into my neck, I squealed like a little girl, all but sure I was getting licked!!

“Oh my god, oh my god! Sans stop!”

He did, but only so that he could lift his face from my neck and shove it right in my face.

“Oh my god, you’re even uglier than I ever thought! How could you go from literal bones to this, and somehow be even harder??”

He snorted, before rolling off me, holding his sides as he continued to make weird farting-splutting sounds.

Seeing him so happy (my little happy penis), I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot as I pushed myself up and looked over at him rolling on the bed. Something seemed to occur to him, because suddenly he was sitting up, pulling something from his jacket and handing it to me.

“Your phone?” I looked up from it to him, “Are-are you asking to exchange numbers?”

He nodded, his one eye beaming.

Grinning, I quickly added my details, happy to exchange numbers. But when I handed back his phone, he held onto it, gesturing between us.

“What else do you want?”

Rather than respond, he threw an arm around me, holding up his phone to take a picture.

“Wait!” I quickly fetched out my phone and held it up too, throwing my arm around him as well, “On the count of three? One, two three!”

…The literal dickhead managed to lick my god damn cheek at the last second, and I’m still not sure where his tongue came from!

 

Next chapter is called:  Foot-fisting my mouth

 

?!?FANART?!?

Kanisaur- [Best friemies ever!!](https://kanisaur.tumblr.com/post/173740359644/i-love-rnd-injustices-fic-okay-go-give-it-a)

Quinn Dunnup -[Someone actually read this ALOUD!](https://quinn-dunnup.tumblr.com/post/174943045048/trnd-injustice-enjoy-it-story-tits-and-dick)

Dysphoric Spaghettification- [Smug Dick!](https://rnd-injustice.tumblr.com/post/175645087443/i-just-had-to-share)! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back and MAN did I miss writing!!  
> Okay, two new things; First up, I am now doing in character responses on my Discord server!! This means you can ask any of the characters, from any of my stories, questions/do something /say something to them, and I'll respond as that character! I've already had some amazing people ask me some interesting questions that really helped me figure more about these guys and it's been a butt load of fun for me. Check out the rules to figure out the 'how to', or ask around; I can name several people who would more than help you =) (You know who you are, ya sweethearts!)  
> Second thing; I have another story!! I know, WTF, right? It's called Bitty Hunt Shenanigans, and as I'm sure you've already guessed, it's the place where I'll put POV, What-if's and general requests that I get for Bitty Hunt. So if you've got something you'd like to see, make sure to leave a comment, explaining it over with that story. With that story, the more people who comment on your idea and express a 'Wow, I'd like to see that too!' the more likely I'll be inclined to do it.....or I might see your idea and think 'Oh, I just HAVE to write this!'. It's going to be updated when I feel like it/ have time, so don't expect it to update automatically on Saturdays; I'll update as I complete requests, so check it out more regularly, I guess (*Shrug*).
> 
> I'm so sorry I missed June, and I really to make it up! Problem is, I'm still busy. Although, I have more time now, so I'm hoping to get a second update this month, but no promises. As always, I'll update the five main stories on a Saturday, so check in then.  
> All I can say is I'm keen to get back into writing =)!


	15. Foot-fisting my mouth

Sans and I were actually on great terms, after that, strangely enough. Sure, it was weird to be lead out of a guy’s apartment and walked right next door, but try having the guy literally be a dick and tell me if being walked home two feet was that strange after all that.

I had work the next day, and Sans was actually waiting for the elevator when I came out of my apartment in the morning. His grin only grew wider as I narrowed my eyes in suspicion at him and I did not believe his bull shit about him just happening to be going down at the same time. Never the less, he swore to me that he wasn’t about to start hassling me at work, and when we walked out onto the street, he grinned and waved, heading off in opposite direction.

I was still suspicious as fuck, but after checking three times with our systems that, yes, Sans had indeed closed down his application, I was inclined to believe him…until he proved me wrong.

Instead, I spent a lot of my time giggling to myself as I kept looking back at my phone (specifically at the new wallpaper that I still couldn’t decide if it counted as safe for work or not). About noon, I got my first text message from the dickhead himself. He informed me that Grillby had been so impressed by the idea of a ‘prank drinks’ that he was currently creating a new menu and that he, Sans, may or may not be helping out with brainstorming ideas right now and how ‘wonderful’ it would be if I swung passed after work for ‘free’ samples. I snorted, knowing that if he wasn’t suggesting creating a drink that turned you into a pair of boobs, then I was hanging out with the wrong guy…..that might be one of the strangest sentences I have ever had and boy would it suck if it was ever taking out of context!

Still, that didn’t stop me thinking of more ideas and writing them off to the side, vowing to secretly get them to Grillby somehow and see what I couldn’t get away with turn Sans into.

After I declined, reminding the slacker that I worked a day job and no, I couldn’t just swing past and get hammered during the work week, Sans asked me instead if I wanted to hang out after work rather than talking online like we use to. That, actually threw me for a loop. While it was true that the first thing I did till just under half a week ago was come home, turn my computer on and crack a can of soft drink before logging online to talk to Dick, now that I knew he was literally next door, it seemed…odd to log on like that.

He and I were literally right next door to each other, within meters!

After remembering that his brother (which I was trying not calling Skeletor in my head…now) lived with him, I quickly shot the idea down of me going over, and instead, said he should come over to my place. Then I sent the message and proceeded to have panic attacks all over the office for the second day in the row!

So much for being fucking over it, right??

Judging by the smug smile he had when I came out of the elevator at our apartments level, he knew I would be…let's say a bit ‘flustered’, and was holding out a bag of chips and a couple of cold cans. One smartarse comment about how he wanted to ‘get to know the neighbours’ and one punch in the arm from me later, and Sans was standing in my apartment as I grumpily kicked off my shoes and walked over to my console systems, booting up a Call of Duty verse game.

Things were tense and it took a while, but when I called him a ‘cock shit’ for using the split screen for a cheap kill and he laughed and proceeded to ignore me and do it again, I knew we had basically picked up from where we were before the weekend. Things quickly settled after that, and neither of us noticed the time much until Sans’s phone buzzed with a message from his brother and we both looked outside to noticed the sun gone. Saying goodbye was awkward, but the moment he puckered his….teeth (?) and I slammed my door in his laughing face told me that that was a great way to say goodbye to the biggest dick that ever dicked this dickish planet!

And that soon became the new routine. He’d come over whenever I sent a text message back saying sure, why not. There would be days when he wouldn’t ask and days when I’d reply ‘not today’, but those days didn’t happen until I met his brother again…..at the end of that first week.

That day started a bit different. I was waiting for the elevator when Sans came out of his apartment and headed towards me. Sans wanting to use the elevator (considering what I knew he could do) was still strange, but hardly different from every other morning so far. No, the strange thing was how he was sinking into his jacket, his taller brother walking alongside him, scowling as he continued to lecture him.

“-A STUPID HOBBY YOU HAD, AND I WAS GLAD TO SEE YOU FINALLY MOVING AWAY FROM THAT CHEAT AND SWINDLER YOU CALL A ‘FRIEND’. NOW I CAN SEE I’VE ALLOWED SOMETHING EVEN WORSE! WHATEVER DRIVE OR MOTIVATION YOU’VE MANAGED TO FINALLY DRUM UP IS BEING AIMED AT SOMETHING IDIOTIC!”

I was basically trapped; I couldn’t pretend I was standing here for the hell of it! So when the elevator doors open, I felt pressured to go in, making myself super uncomfortable in the furthest corner from the two skeletons. Sans threw a concerned glance at me as he walked in, which I returned, before he turned his back to me and faced the elevator door.

And still, Skeletor wasn’t done! The look he threw me before he too turned his back on me made whatever else I had seen from him at this point seem like a mother looking fondly at her newborn child! What the fuck did I do??

“I DON’T GET WHY YOU INSIST ON WASTING YOUR VALUABLE TIME ON VIDEO GAMES! YOU’RE NOT ACHIEVING ANYTHING! YOU’RE JUST WASTING ALL THE TIME YOU COULD BE USING ON OTHER, FAR MORE IMPORTANT THINGS!”

Well, at least Skeletor wasn’t trying to get me to come over for a change. I had lost track of how many allergies and appointments I ‘had’ at this point as I keep ducking and diving around just telling the asshole he could take raw sewage and somehow make it worse.

Still, hearing him bad mouth video games was bringing up memories of my own lectures from my parents, and if that wasn’t a clusterfuck of emotions, then I didn’t know what was!

In silence, clenching my fits, I looked at the elevator numbers and counted them down, hoping that either we'd get to the bottom already or the cable would snap and get me out of here quicker.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE GOTTEN INTO MOVIES OR MUSIC?! THAT, AT LEAST, IS ART, SOMETHING CREATIVE AND ACTUAL WORTHWHILE ENTERTAINMENT! VIDEO GAMES ARE GARBAGE, THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE! MINDLESS BLOOD AND GORE, SPREAD ACROSS AN ENDLESS BARRAGE OF  DIFFERENT TITLES ALL CLAIMING TO BE ‘DIFFERENT’ WHEN REALLY IT’S THE SAME STUPID GAME!”

“Video games are art.” I slammed my hands over my mouth, but it was already too fucking.

Slowly, horribly, I looked up to watch him fully turn and face me.

“HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME, NEIGHBOUR LADY?!”

I don’t know why the fuck I couldn’t shut up when I was cornered like this. Nothing like getting mouth diarrhoea that robbed you of any chance of constructing safe and logical responses that fucking didn’t dig that hole just a couple meters deeper!

So like a fucking moron, I actually talked back, “May-maybe you haven’t been in-introduced to right game yet? Th-there's plenty out there for every taste and preference. It-it isn’t all just blood and gore.”

Sans turned around, gently placing a hand on his brother’s arm, “boss? just forget about-“

Skeletor threw off his arm and came leering down at me, slamming both hands on either side on my head, starling a scared gasp out of me as he growled threateningly at me, “YOU REALLY THINK THAT, DO YOU HUMAN?!” He lowered his face to my eye level, mere inches from me as he hissed, “THEN PERHAPS I SHOULD COME OVER TONIGHT AND TEST THIS SAD THEORY OF YOURS AND PROVE JUST HOW WRONG YOU ARE?”

_‘Say ‘no’ dammit! Just say fucking no!!’_

“I-I-“

Words failed me and my brain left me gapping like a brain dead fish on the land; a witty, informed and firm retort to this guy who had essential just invited himself over. Allergies and appointments would not save me now!

He scoffed in smugness, pushing himself back and away from me, leaving me dropping my head in horror and staring at his pointed knee-high boots.

“WE’LL BE COMING OVER AT 7:30 SHARP, WHERE YOU HAD BETTER IMPRESS ME ABOUT THIS ‘ART’ THAT VIDEO GAMES CAN APPARENTLY HAVE. BE WARNED; I DO NOT LIKE BEING DISAPPOINTED.”

The boots turned to face runners I had seen before, “SANS! WE’VE GRACIOUSLY BEEN INVITED INTO OUR NEIGHBOUR'S APARTMENT FOR AN EVENING OF FUN AND CULTURE!”

“she didn’t-“

The runners were suddenly up in the air, “MAYBE THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED; ME BEING THERE AND POINTING OUT HOW ALL OF THIS IS IDIOTIC TIME-WASTING BEHAVIOUR!”

The elevator doors opened up behind the pairs of shoes, where the runners were quickly dropped, leaving the person in them to stumble slightly unsteadily on their feet as boots strolled out and away.

Runners quickly stood before me before Sans’s concerned face was lowered into my field of vision, “y/n? you okay?”

“I-I-I guess so?" I looked up at him, "Did-did that just happen? Did he just invite himself into my apartment?”

“…….yeah.” he sighed, dragging a hand over his skull as the elevator door closed behind him, “look, don’t worry about it. i’ll talk to him and tell him that ain’t happenin'.”

“……What happens after that?” I asked, thinking about what the brothers were talking about as they left their apartment and how it seemed to not be the first time they had talked about this.

Sans shrugged, his eyes tightening with his forced smile, “eh, not like we can’t go back to talkin' online of nothin’.”

…….That’s it? One asshole with an outdated, stereotypical idea about what video games were and I would lose the chance to ever invite Sans over for marathon runs playing through games? All my daydreams about eating junk food and watching shitty movies and laughing like idiots till it was time to order even more junk food were never going to get the chance to happen because Skeletor was going to be a pain in both our asses about something we both happened to like?!

Fucking hell; we had just finished Act 1 of Diablo 3 co-op yesterday!

Fuck that! I’ve defended my opinion about video games being a legit artform and a valuable, meaningful entertainment from family, fellow employees, and former friends my entire fucking life and I wasn’t about to let Skeletor tell me I was wrong! There was a game for everyone; you just had to know how to find them! Why the hell did we accept that shitty artworks, movies and music were allowed to exist but not from video games?! I’ve been moved to tears, hope and the depth of despair by them and I’ll be damned if I didn’t take the smug look from Skeletor’s eyes!

Leaning forward, I grabbed Sans’s shoulders, startling him as I shook him and asked rapidly, “What are his interests??”

“wh-what??”

“What does he enjoy?? Sci-fi? Horror? Action? Romance??”

I was already running through the very best games I had in my mind; the ones I would punch people for calling ‘crap’. So many classics, hidden gems and just pure expressions of raw emotions! Did I go with what was fun or what made you think? An experience or a story??

First, I would make him enjoying playing so much that I’d get him to apologise to me AND Sans for his attitude, then I would finally take the time to explain to him he can’t fucking cook, and it was HE that…..!

“Oh fuck, I have to cook!” At this point, I was shaking Sans by his jacket “Quick! Tell me his favourite food!”

He grabbed my wrists, squeezing them hard, “y/n! what the fuck are you blabberin' about??”

“I’m talking about tonight, you dumb fuck!” I pulled my hands free from his to point towards the direction Skeletor had walked, “I’m talking about showing him he’s wrong and making sure he not only stops giving you a hard time over it, but is so fucking hooked, he’ll come begging me for more game suggestions!”

“it won’t matter.”

“What do you-“ The look on his face shut down my retort.

He refused to look or answer me, leaving me patting his shoulder softly, “Sans?”

He didn’t respond.

“Sans, please. I-I need a little help here.”

He sighed heavily, looking warily at my concerned face, “boss likes puzzles and things that make you think, but none of that artsy-abstract shit. likes anti-heroes that don’t change for no reason and if there’s a plot hole, he’ll tear it apart….actually, he enjoys criticizing more than just enjoyin' shit. as for what to cook, don’t cook a lasagne and avoid greasy food…..but be prepared for him to not be fuckin' happy with anythin' you do as he tears into every little mistake he can see with surgical precision, includin' your apartment, which i know he’ll call filthy.”

“…Kinda hard to appease, hun?”

I had so many questions and things I wanted to say to him right at that moment. Was this what his home life was like? Why did he put up with that shit? Why was he calling his brother ‘boss’ and what the fuck happened to them that twisted their relationship like this?? I wanted to tell him he was…cool, that I liked hanging out with him, even if his brother didn’t. I wanted to offer my apartment as a place he could hide out in if he ever needed to from now on. I-I wanted to understand and to take away the look of hopeless resignation that drained this skeleton in front of me into a lifeless puppet.

But, I didn’t say any of that. My words stuck in my throat and I could feel the old feelings of my own hopelessness kicking in as I looked back at him and thought about my chances tonight.

Well, I knew the cure for that, didn’t I?

Moving past him, I patted his shoulders as I made my way over to the elevator call button and pressing the button for our level, pulling out my phone afterwards.

“what are you doin'?” Sans asked.

I held up the phone to my ear, grinning at him, “What does it look like I’m doing? Rather than just roll over, I’m taking action.”

~*~

After reassuring Sans that I had this and to let me at least try to convince his brother, I said my final goodbye to him in the elevator and proceeded to scrub my place within an inch of its life. Calling work and telling them to suck, er, I mean, I’m sick, gave me a full day to whip this place into shape and plan out my strategy. Plenty of time to think as I scrubbed the floors on my hands and knees.

I wasn’t a dirty person, but I knew that I had a tendency to let things slip. Most times, the place would get so bad that even I wanted it cleaned and that’s what normally forced me into action. Early in my life, I discovered that my state of mind and my place kind of reflected each other; if I was happy and content, my place was clean. When things stated bundling upon up, my place would go to shit. Since Sans had started coming over, I was finding that the place was cleaner than usual. Probably because I didn’t what to hear shit from him. He had never said anything and after watching him shovel chips and slurping on his can, I was fucking inclined to believe that he was a bigger slob than me!

Still, I knew that Skeletor was NOT a slob; his apartment had been cleaner than clean and so perfectly laid out in symmetry that if it turned out Skeletor wasn’t a germaphobe with OCD over symmetry, then the whole field of physiological could just retire because no one was.

Thinking about my skills in the kitchen and what I knew how to cook, I quickly decided against trying to cook. No way could I see him eating anything I cooked without criticising the, I don’t know, the spiral direction the potato bake was cooked in. Knowing he liked lasagne, I thought about pasta, but there weren’t too many places that did really good pasta nearby. That thought lead to other Italian dishes and a lightbulb moment of ordering pizza! The perfect dish for hanging out and playing games! And I was going to order from that extra fancy, authentic place that I really liked; the one with that was really expensive but really, really good!

Thinking of the right game was also a bit tricky. I was all for picking a game to kick his dick all over the place, but then, doing that wouldn’t win him over, would it? I listed off a few games that were story centred, but even if they were beautiful, they did require an open mind, which I highly doubted he had…….a co-op instead? Something that forced him to participate and play nice?

I smiled as my rare optimistic thought entered my mind, _‘Might be nice to see if I can get these brothers to bound over playing as a team.’_

I knew the perfect game, and crossed it off my to-do-list.

On that list was a bit of shopping and placing a delivery order for the pizza. A quick message to Sans about his and Skeletor's favourite toppings and drink, and I was walking home as the sunset, carrying a bottle of red wine and six-pack, smelling strongly of bleach and looking a bit frazzled and unkempt. A quick shower and changing into clean clothes back home took care of that problem as I played the waiting game for the pizza and brothers to show up.

I lost the game if I did what my nerves were screaming at me to do and lock my doors, pretending no one was home because I already threw myself out of the building, screaming.

….there was no winning the game.

Or rather, the chance of winning was so small, I might as well try looking for a philosopher stone in my cushions.

………damn it, I still wanted to try to win this rigged game at least.

Game on, Skeletor. Game fucking on. I’ll show you just how good video games can be!

~*~

The doorbelling ringing right at 7:30 pm startled a jolt out of me as I looked over the pizzas I had placed in the oven on a low setting, hoping to keep them hot and fresh after I took them out of their boxes. Hurring over to the door, I open my door wide, all smiles.

“Welcome!”

Skeletor was standing front and centre, his arms folded as he glared at me. Sans was right behind him, not at all looking like he wanted to be here, slumped in his jacket.

“LET’S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.” Skeletor growled, stepping inside as Sans followed.

“Right.” I closed the door with a sigh, memories flooding back to me the last time I spent with this asshole. His emergency-hospital-trip lasagna had dominated all of my recollections and served as the prime reason why going back was suicide for the night, but I could still recall what a narcissistic, critical asshole he had been to me.

Still, I was here to be nice, win over hearts (if he had one) and minds (if that hadn’t just been replaced with ego) and I remembered he responded well when I was kissing his ass. Not a good day to be my dignity, but then, any day I worked was never a good day to be whatever that word meant.

“THIS PLACE IS SATURATED IN THE SMELLS OF BLEACH AND DISINFECT.” He said, taking deep whiffs of the air.

 _‘The weekend is tomorrow, the weekend is tomorrow!’_ I said to myself like a pray. I could get through whatever he threw at me because I could spend the entire day tomorrow holding my middle finger up towards his general direction.

“I thought I would make a real effort and try to clean this place to a standard like I saw at your place.” I walked up to him smiling politely.

He scoffed, “WELL, YOU FAILED!” He lifted up one of my knickknacks and wiped the dust off the underside of it, before holding his gloved claw up to my face, “IT IS BARELY ADEQUATE, BORDERING ON FILTHY!”

“Right….sorry about that.” Taking a breath, I continued to smile and gestured to the living room, “Can I interest you in some red wine while I serve up dinner?”

“AT LEAST YOU HAVE SOME TASTE.” He turned his back to me, walking to dump himself right in the middle of my only couch, effectively claiming it.

“Thank you.” I said, straining a muscle as I fought against an eye roll.

So I headed for the kitchen, hearing Sans say something about helping me out to his brother.

“how you doin'?” he asked, looking concerned and forlorn as he stood next to me in the kitchen.

I pulled out two cans from the fridge and handed one to him, cracking mine, “Well…..you weren't around for the last time me and your brother were in the same room for long. Let's say it can't get worse than that.”

He chuckled, watching me pull out a wine glass and filling it, “you know, i really should have guessed that your cracked tooth was from that night.”

“See? Things are already looking up.”

I walked back into the living room, handing Skel-……Papyrus, his red wine. He took it off me and breathed deeply, his eyes locked on me as I walked over to the only other chair in the room.

“AH. I SEE YOU HAVE SUPERB TASTE IN WINE LIKE ME….EVEN IF YOU’RE DRINKING RUBBISH.”

“Oh, um.”

Obviously, I had brought that particular wine brand because Sans had said was Papyrus’s favourite, but holy shit if it wasn’t expensive!

Still, I smiled and gestured to him, “Well, I only have the one bottle, and you’re the guest. I wanted to make you comfortable and I aim to make this evening enjoyable for you.”

…Okay, I was laying it on so thick, my words were creating a new layer in the air, but fuck it if it wasn’t working.

He wasn’t yelling at me anyway, so I’m calling it a win.

Scoffing, he sat deeper in the couch and took a sip, humming in subtle delight, “YOUR PAINFULLY ATTEMPTS TO CATER TO MY WISHES WON’T SPARE THE CRITICISM I HAVE AT YOUR LIFE CHOICES, BUT I MUST ADMIT I FIND YOU DOING SO ODDLY APPEALING.”

…..What the fuck was I suppose to say to that??

Looking over at Sans standing off to the side, he looked just as lost as I felt.

After taking another sip, Papyrus swirled the red wine in his glass slowly as he looked over at me sitting tentatively in my armchair, “SO, HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I WAIT TO BE SERVED DINNER? I LOATHE THE IDEA OF WAITING FOR UNNECESSARY PERIODS OF TIME.”

“Then I’ll just grab us some slices and bring them over.” I said as I stood up, placing my can on the coffee table.

“OVER? WHY WOULD YOU BRING THEM HERE?” He asked, standing up and looking around.

I looked around too, “Well, I don’t have a dining table, so-“

“YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A DINING TABLE?!”

“Well-well I don’t exactly need it?” I rubbed the back of my head, wondering why the fuck I was justifying this, “I live alone and don’t entertain much.”

He seemed to swell in rage, “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! HOW CAN YOU NOT EVEN HAVE A SMALL TABLE TO SIT AT??”

“boss,” Sans interrupted, “she doesn’t have one. want us to just go home now?”

Papyrus narrowed his eyes at Sans, before looking at me, glaring, “I WILL EAT LIKE AN ANIMAL FOR JUST THIS NIGHT, BUT YOU ARE TO FIX THIS MOST GRIEVOUS MISTAKE!”

“Sure.” _‘After I’m done finding the anual beads that taste like the moon!’_

He didn’t look any happier with my completely agreeing statement, but he did at least sit-down, crossing his legs in a huff.

Fucking hell, please let the night get better!

~*~

The only good thing about dinner was that he ate the pizza I served him. The look on his face when I handed him pizza, you’d have thought I handed him used condoms and said ‘Bon Appetit’! He criticised my choice of meal to serve him, Sans’s taste in toppings and, of course, the fact that he had to sit on the god damn couch! He especially didn’t like that me and Sans were making small talk as he sat on the other side on the main couch with limited space his brother was giving him, with me asking him what he did today and he asking if Mary was still a bitch.

When Sans and I came back after taking plates out to the kitchen, carrying in the bottle of wine for Papyrus and new cans for me and Sans, his mood hadn’t improved. Sighing, I walked over to the television and my console to boot up the game as Sans handed the bottle to his brother. When I turned around with the two controllers, I was surprised to see Sans sitting in the armchair grumpily, leaving me to look over at Papyrus.

He met my questioning look with a glare, “WHAT?!”

Not really seeing the point of questioning it or pointing it out to him, I handed over a control to Sans before handing one to Papyrus, sitting as far as I could from the Edge Lord of his perpetual mood swings.

Sans held up his control, waving it around questioningly, “what’s the deal y/n?”

“Papyrus said he wanted me to prove that video games have value?” I looked over to see the asshole in question looking at me questioningly, “Well, I think this would be an excellent opportunity to have him prove his intelligence in a series of puzzles.”

“THAT DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHY MY BROTHER HAS ONE AND YOU DO NOT.” He replied.

_‘He didn’t scoff.’_

Taking that as another victory, I shrugged, “I-I kinda know all the answers already, but I am curious to see if the two of you are smart enough to solve them together.” I grinned smugly at the pair, “You need to work together if you have any hope of getting through them.”

Papyrus threw his head back, laughing, “NYAH HAH HA! THERE IS NO PUZZLE THAT CAN OUTWIT THE WISE AND OH SO CLEVER PAPYRUS! GIVE ME ANY HANDICAP YOU WANT; I WILL BREEZE THROUGH EVERYTHING YOU INSULTINGLY CALL A ‘PUZZLE’!”

“Think you can get through them all before tonight?” I asked, challengingly.

Sometimes, having an end goal was more engaging than the journey itself. Everything I knew about the guy told me he might like proving just how smart he was and be loathed to admit defeat.

I was going to use that ego of his to make him want to keep playing, and if that meant he had to play nice, then I was sure he would do it…..for how long, however, was a different question.

I directed the two into creating a new game, settling back with my can as I explained, “Nice simple premises; you two are robots and there’s an arrogant, all-powerful robot who is in control of the whole facility and she thinks you two are idiots. She’s conducting these experiments to prove that.”

“SUCH ARROGANCE!” Papyrus cried out with a derisive laugh, moving forward on the couch.

Another pulled eye muscle as I held back an eye roll, then I continued, “So, two sticks near your thumbs control-“

“WAIT A MINUTE! AM I THE SHORT FAT ROBOT?!?”

“….Yes?” I said, “You did say you wanted to be player-“

Papyrus leaned across and snatched the control from Sans’s hands, tossing over his.

“THERE, MORE APPROPRIATE.”

Taking a deep breath, I walked Papyrus through controlling his robot, guiding the brothers to the first test room.

“Hey Papyrus, try shooting portals here and here.”

“I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO PROVE JUST HOW SMART I AM?” he asked, glaring at me.

I shrugged, “I do, but these next couple of levels are basically tutorials; you’ll find them super easy and not a challenge at all.”

Papyrus stuck his chest out proud, arrogance pouring off him and he smugly glanced at his brother. Before he could say anything, however, I had walked over to and was pointing at the screen.

“Here and here Papyrus.”

He did as I asked, and gasped.

“IS-IS THAT ME LOOKING AT ME?”

“Cool isn’t it?” I moved back to the couch, “Try walking through.”

He did that too and I watched as his amazement warped quickly into joy.

“OH, THIS IS CLEVER! IF ONLY I HAD THOUGHT ABOUT DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS UNDERGROUND!!”

“Think you can handle solving this room without any help?” I asked, looking between the brothers. “You just need to get to the exit.”

Sans gave a thumbs up as Papyrus was already off, looking around the room.

“BROTHER! STAND ON THIS BUTTON!”

Sans did as he was told, watching as Papyrus walked into the next room and saw a problem.

“HMMMMM AH!”

He came rushing out, placing a portal that now linked the two rooms.

“THERE! NOW YOU STEP THROUGH AND PLACE A PORTAL NEXT TO MINE! WHEN I PUSH THIS BUTTON, THIS DOOR OPENS UP AND YOU CAN PLACE A PORTAL INTO THAT ROOM AND IN THE NEXT ROOM OVER! EASY!”

I could only sit back, feeling cautiously optimistic for the first time tonight.

~*~

So the two keep playing, going through each room that steady got harder and harder, being introduced to new things and mastering them easily. Papyrus quickly developed a hate for the robot mastermind in the game, which would mock and praise the brothers for every mistake, death or even just how simple the puzzle had been. Sans seemed content to let Papyrus solve the problems on his own, subtly pointing out things when Papyrus was struggling to find the answer from his perspective.

I felt so fucking proud of myself as I watched the two quickly relax and get into the game, and it was nice to see the two act like actual siblings, rather than an abusive relationship or whatever the fuck that shit was from this morning was. Like true siblings would, the first time the opportunity to betray his brother arose, Papyrus took away the platform under Sans and laughed gleefully as Sans’s robot died and Sans turned to face Papyrus with a deep-end expression.

Papyrus could not pull off innocent to save his fucking life.

He placed a hand to his chest, having the nerve to look shocked, “OH, I’M SORRY BROTHER! I FORGOT WHAT BUTTON DID WHAT FOR A BRIEF MOMENT! NYAH HAH HA!”

The best moments when the puzzles got hard enough that both brothers had to talk to each other, voicing ideas and trying new things to reach the exit. Sans was always complementing Papyrus, and from where I was sitting, it seemed that Papyrus lived for the praises, his smile beaming in delight as he boasted about his boundless knowledge and impressive puzzle solving skills.

The weird thing was how Sans seemed to enjoy Papyrus’s reactions to his praise. I would have liked to seem more praise coming from Papyrus, but I had to wait till much later as the puzzles got challenging enough to slow the pair to a stop.

Up until that point, Sans had been more or less a passive player with Papyrus defiantly leading, but when I could tell that even he didn’t know what the answer was, I could see him sitting straighter, actually looking around the room instead of playing around with the portals. The first time that he managed to figure out the puzzle after a long block of silence from the pair, he blurted out his idea and seemed to forget to phrase the idea as an observation like he had done every other time. Papyrus had looked thoughtful, but actually called San’s idea a ‘GOOD SUGGESTION’, which gave Sans this look of baffled confusion before sinking into his jacket with a pleased smile.

They managed to get really far into the game, but as Papyrus’s bottle neared empty and long after I fetched the last two cans from the pack, I found myself curled on the end of the couch, dozing on one of my cushions. I don’t know how long I napped, but I was shaken away by Sans, who was smiling softly down at me.

“hey there, mrs drooly.”

Wiping the drool from the corner of my mouth, I pushed myself up and looked around, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

The game was back on its title screen and the early signs of dawnlight was lighting up the sky outside. Papyrus was coming out of the kitchen, dusting his hands before his cocked his hips out and RESTED HIS HANDS ON HIS THEM.

“FALLING ASLEEP WITH TWO, UNRELATED MEN IS DANGEROUS FOR A HUMAN FEMALE TO DO! HAVE YOU NO SURVIVAL INSTINCTS?!”

“I survived swallowing glass, I think I can survive your company.” I yawned heavily, stretching my back with a crack and sighed in relief at the pleasant stretch as I could not keep my eyes open! Still feeling very tired, I looked around to find both brothers blushing, looking away.

“What?” I asked, confused.

When neither answered, I shrugged and moved over to Papyrus.

“So, how did you like video games now?” I asked, yawning with a pleased smile.

As Sans moved to stand next to his brother, he looked between us, concerned, as Papyrus huffed, and looked away, “I STILL THINK THAT MOST VIDEO GAMES ARE ABSOLUTE GARBAGE!”

“But not all of it.” I grinned, “Does this mean that you enjoyed yourself tonight?”

“……………………………………………….IT…..WAS NOT AS BAD AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN.”

Rolling my eyes, I stuck my hand out to him, “Guess I’ll count that as a win.”

When he reluctantly took my hand and shook it, I smiled up at him, “Maybe, if you’re nice to me, I’ll invite you two back.” I grinned smugly up at him, “Seeing as how you didn’t get through all the puzzles.”

Letting go of my hand, he glared down at me, “DON’T GET COCKY HUMAN!”

“Of course not, Papyrus.” I beamed, challengingly, riding my fucking high at making this prick so humble he couldn’t say shit right now!

Oh yeah, I was right and you were fucking wrong, bia-tch!

He narrowed his eyes at me, “I PLAN TO REPAY THE FAVOUR FOR TONIGHT HUMAN!”

“Looking forward to it.” I sleepily replied, not really caring what he thought would make a good repayment.

Sans merely watched the conversation between me and his brother, hiding his thoughts behind that grinning mask of his.

I walked the two to my front door, waving the two a goodnight…..morning……fucking whatever as they left.

“Night Papyrus, night Sans.”

“GOOD MORNING!” Papyrus emphasised, already taking his own keys out and unlocking his door.

As he disappeared into his apartment, Sans turned to look at me, a look of wonder on his face.

“What’s with that look Sans?” I asked, leaning heavily on the doorframe as my bed called to me like a siren.

He shook his head, moving in to pull me in for a hug.

Surprised, and not really a hugging person, I merely patted his back awkwardly, “Um, okay…..um…everything okay?”

He gave a laugh of disbelief behind my back and I could feel the laughter shaking frame. After a while, he sighed deeply and stood back, beaming at me.

“good night y/n.”

Looking away to hide my blush, I mumbled, “Night Sans,” before ducking into my apartment, closing the door quickly.

What the hell was that all about??

~*~

A few hours later, but nowhere near fucking enough, I was scared awake.

The frantic, aggressive pounding of my front door startled me out of my bed as I ran to my front door. After peering through the spy hole, I opened the door to Papyrus in a strange getup.

He beamed down at me, his face looking like it had an evil smile as the angle I looked up at him and the morning light helped the shadows on his face make his sharp features sharper.

“HUMAN! IT’S TIME FOR ME TO REPAY YOU!”

……………….Oh shite!

 

Next chapter is called: Death march

**Fan Art! (Well,audio story)  
**

Quinn-Dunnup -[Chapter 2 Read aloud!!!](https://soundcloud.com/user-851734308/rnd_injustice-tits-and-dick-1)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY STARS!  
> I'm back and stuff happened at the wrong time that I knew would make me late, so I made the decision to take my time and deal with that first before worrying about this update cylce. I'm so sorry for the wall of silence and the many people concerned about me (greatly appreciate it guys *sob!*), but I'm back now, so things should settle down. I'm going to need a day or two to get back into the swing of things, but basically, I haven't been online since Monday last week.  
> Either way, I hope you enjoy this update!


	16. Death march

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my stories got wiped out about two days before the update schedule and I was crushed! So I took some time off, did these updates as good as I could (Hard to write something twice and not feel like it was better the first time), and now I've got October to look forward to!   
> I've been planning something fun for a while!  
> Hope to see you all in October!!

“Er, no, it’s okay. Y-you don’t have to pay me back. Ever.”

He took a step towards me, so intimidating looking that I actually took several steps back into my apartment without a thought, watching him striding right in.

He grinned down at me in my pyjamas, “OH, BUT I INSIST, HUMAN! AFTER ALL, IT’S ONLY RIGHT THAT IF YOU WOULD GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO SHOW ME SOMETHING NEW AND INTERESTING IN MY LIFE, THEN I SHOULD USE MY FLAWLESS AND PERFECT SELF TO ELEVATE YOU MISERABLY LIFE TO A TOLERABLE STATUS. WHAT BETTER WAY OF REPAYING YOU BACK?”

“Say what?”

He beamed, self-conceitedly, “THERE IS EVERY NEED TO THANK ME FOR MY GENEROSITY, HUMAN, BUT THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN THE MORNING.”

With that, he walked off down my hall, opening all my doors, peering into each room.

Quickly, I ran around him, baring him from my bedroom before he reached it, using my body to stop him from just walking in. “What are you doing??”

He merely gave me a condescending smile, pushing me aside as he retched for my door handle, “WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M DOING?”

“It looks like you’ve just broken into my apartment and I should be calling the cops!”

He stepped back, looking down at me in surprise, “THE HUMANS THAT WEAR THOSE SILLY OUTFITS? YOU-YOU THINK THEY WOULD HELP YOU??”

I really didn’t like how the very first time I had ever seen this guy laugh his bony arse off was at the idea of police officers getting involved on my behalf. Like I just told him the world’s funniest joke that left him clutching my wall for support in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

“Of-of course they would help me! Just because you’re a monster, don’t think you’re above our laws! I know my rights!”

Papyrus fought back another wave of laughter to chuckle instead, standing back up and wiping away a tear of mirth from the corner of his eye.

“AH, POOR, SAD, AND SO INCREDIBLY NAÏVE HUMAN.” He leaned towards me, smirking, “I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD, AND FRIEND OF BOTH THE ROYAL AMBASSADOR AND THE KING AND QUEEN OF ALL MONSTER-KIND; THERE IS NOT A SINGLE ‘COP’ IN THIS CITY THAT WOULD COME TO YOUR AID ONCE THEY LEARNED THAT IT WAS ME. I COULD CARRY YOUR CORPSE THROUGH THE ENTIRE CITY, AND ALL YOUR PITIFUL LAW ENFORCEMENT HUMANS WOULD ASK ME WOULD BE ‘NEED A HAND, SIR?’.”

I paled, but I refused to just accept that, “If-if you really think I’m going to accept just your word that you are-“

He pulled out a badge that identified him as Captain of the Monster Royal Guard, his smug and confident aura matching the legitness of the badge.

Taking the badge away and tucking it back into his clothes, he made to open the door again. Quickly, I moved back in front of him, closing the door behind me.

“L-look, I don’t care what badges you flash me, you can’t just come in here, uninvited, into my bedroom!”

He stood back, folding his arms, “I WAS INVITED IN! YOU OPENED YOUR DOOR AND EVERYTHING!”

“I never said ‘come on in’!”

“IT WAS OBVIOUSLY IMPLIED HUMAN! WHY ELSE WOULD YOU STEP BACK TO ALLOW ME IN?”

_‘How about the fact you fucking intimidate me to all hell and I’m fucking sleep-deprived, you asshole!’_

I didn’t say this, but I obviously must have been spelling it out with my eyes, because suddenly he’s leaning down towards me, lowering his face till we were on the same eye-level.

“ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE MY GENEROUS OFFER…..HUMAN?” He asked me, softly, quirking an eyebrow at me.

I gulped.

“I-I never said that-“

“THEN WHAT IS THE ISSUE?”

“…..You-you can’t just walk into people’s bedroom like this.” I mumbled, not sure what else I should be saying in this fucked up situation.

“AH!” He stood back up and I let go of the breath I wasn’t aware I had been holding, “THIS IS ONE OF THOSE ‘FEMALES AND THEIR PRIVACY’ THINGS. I, OF COURSE, KNOW ALL ABOUT FEMALES (I AM, AFTER ALL, A HIGHLY DESIRABLE AND MUCH SOUGHT AFTER MALE SPECIMEN) AND I WILL MOST GRACIOUSLY ALLOW YOU TIME ENOUGH TO SORT YOURSELF OUT.” He looked at his wristwatch, “YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE.”

“One minute for what?” I asked, completely lost.

He looked back up at me, “ONE MINUTE BEFORE I CARRY YOU OUT OF THIS APARTMENT IN WHATEVER CLOTHES YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE WEARING.”

“Say what?!”

“54 SECONDS LEFT.”

With a start, I ran for my bedroom door, slamming it shut behind me.

“-52, 51, 50-“

“What the hell am I dressing for??”

“-48. YOUR NEW, DAILY MORNING WORKOUTS. 46.”

“What the fuck?!”

“LANGUAGE! 44,43,42-“

He ignored me in favour of counting down my impending doom, leaving me floundering between locking my door and calling the cops to come and save me or actually getting dressed, before I decided against testing the strength of my door against the CAPTAIN OF THE FUCKING ROYAL GUARD, WTF??! Panicking and taking his threat VERY seriously, I settled for a pair of jeans and a loose top, cursing that I didn’t organise my clothes better and just grateful that I slept in a comfortable, loose-fitting bra because fuck trying to find a proper one right now.

 _‘Fuck underwear too!’_ I cursed, slipping on the jeans raw, before running over to my runner, stuffing my feet in them without socks. I could already tell I’d regret that, but Papyrus had just counted the last second down and was now banging on my door.

“HUMAN! GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW! IF I HAVE TO BREAK DOWN THIS DOOR, REST ASSURED I WILL BE MOST DISPLEASED WITH YOU!”

Quickly, I opened the door, glaring at this asshole as I wiped my grimy, freshly woken up, sweating face.

“Look, I’m here, I’m here. Now you can-“

I was swiftly picked up and tossed over his shoulder, my squeak of surprised ignored as he walked out of my apartment, slamming the door shut behind us.

“Let me go!”

He finished pushing the button to the elevator and rolled me off his shoulder, dropping me to the floor.

Rubbing the back of my sore head, I quickly stood up, and yelled at him, pissed, “What the hell are you doing?!”

“SPEEDING THINGS UP.” He looked away from the elevator light that told him what floor the elevator was at as it made its way up to us, “YOU WERE TAKING YOUR SWEET TIME, HUMAN.”

“The name’s Y/n, and I never said I’d go with you, asshole!”

Before even I released what I had just said, his arm whipped out, grabbing my arm and squeezing me painfully.

Just then, the elevator dinged and its doors opened. Papyrus’s scowl quickly turned into a grin as he tossed me in. Stepping in himself, I watched from over by the far wall I had stumbled into to see him pressing the ground level button.

“NO WAY OUT OF IT NOW, HUMAN.” He grinned smugly as the doors closed behind him.

Fuck. My. Life.

My eyes quickly darted around the elevator, looking for an escape. The only thing that managed to achieve was the look of the sadistic look of amusement he got as he watched me searching futilely.

When the elevator reached hell, I mean….hell, he stepped out, waiting for me to follow him.

“COME NOW HUMAN! DON’T KEEP ME WAITING.”

“What if I stay here?” I asked, really wishing someone would fucking save me or that I had my phone and wallet with me.

He grinned, holding up his hand as red magic lazily smoked from his eye lights. I could do nothing but stare, watching as if in slow motion as he snapped his fingers.

A sharp, jabbing pain in my back made me scream, flinging myself away from the wall to see that sharp bone was sticking out the wall. Quickly, the bone grew, shooting right out to me as I stumbled backwards, tripping over my feet and out of the elevator in my hurried attempt to avoid getting skewered.

The elevator door closed upon the bone, which disappeared in a dust of red magic.

“YOU WERE SAYING, HUMAN?”

I turned and gaped at the smug asshole.

“You-you can’t just use magic like that! Not in public and certainly not to attack me! It’s illegal, assclown!”

Papyrus did not look at all happy about the nickname, be he did manage to look a lot happier to lean over me, summoning a pointed bone spear to lift my head up via my chin.

“YOU FORGET, HUMAN, THAT I AM CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD.” The bone inched closer to my throat, “I CAN DO WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE.”

I grew very, very still.

Pleased by my reaction and his point made, he eased up, allowing me to breathe again, “NOW, DO NOT MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF.” He held the bone weapon like a baton, tapping it on his other hand, “I WANT YOU TO JOG TO A PARK, THE ONE THAT HAS THE WATER FOUNTAIN IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.”

“But that’s in the next neighbourhood over!!”

“DO YOU WANT ME TO REPEAT MYSELF?” He asked with a growl.

Quickly, I pushed myself up, making a break for it. I was not going to any fucking park with that asshole for any ‘boot camp’ treatment! I’d rather another round with his lasagne; my odds of surviving that were way better!

I had just managed to turn around the corner, in the opposite direction of that fucking park, when I was immobilised in a red glow. In horror, I felt myself dragged back, eventually coming face to face with an unamused Papyrus.

“WRONG WAY.”

“Um….sorry?”

He narrowed his eyes briefly, before the glow left my body and I was dropped unsteadily on my feet.

Looking back at him, I watched as he stretched, lecturing me as he prepared to jog, “NOW, RUN IN THE DIRECTION I HAVE TOLD YOU, HUMAN, AND DO NOT DISPLEASE ME AGAIN. IT’S FINALLY TIME TO WHIP YOUR BODY INTO SHAPE…LITERALLY IF I MUST.”

Sighing, seeing no way out of this and knowing I lived in a city filled with uncaring, self-centred bastards that wouldn’t help even if I screamed I was being hunted down by the shitstain, I jogged, with Skeletor right behind me in the dawn light.

~*~

Despite my very best efforts to only jog at the slowest pace I thought I could get away, I was still heaving desperately for air when I made it to the park, fresh blisters at the back of my unsocked heels. Sargent Dickweed was a ruthless and heartless drill sergeant, yelling insults the whole way and smacking my calves with another bone weapon when he felt like I was slowing down. How he managed to easily keep up, yelling insults the whole fucking way, and run around me in circles, laughing at my disbelieving face was one of the most unfair things to ever happen to me.

The asshole wasn’t even winded!!

Papyrus stood next to me in the park, both of us bathed in the early morning light and quite alone, but only one of us upstanding.

“GET UP HUMAN! THAT WAS JUST OUR WARM UP.”

I looked up at him as I bent over in respiratory hell, “What!!!”

“YOU HEARD ME.”

“I heard *pant* you *heave*, but I don’t *gasp!* I can’t even-!”

He sighed, looking at me disappointedly, “JUST AS I SUSPECTED; YOUR POOR LIFESTYLE HAS LEFT YOU DANGEROUSLY EXPOSED AND WEAK! FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, I AM HERE TO REMEDY THIS. NOW, LET’S BEGIN YOUR TRAINING.”

He picked up the back of my shirt, lifting me up and onto my feet, “JOG AROUND THE PARK.”

“I can’t!” I cried, swaying on the spot he dumped me on.

“YES YOU CAN! RUN, HUMAN!”

Groaning, I dragged my corpse away from the guy I wished would actually die, flinging each limb with body-destroying effort.

“FASTER, HUMAN!” Papyrus yelled, jogging alongside me.

See, at this point, I would have flipped him off or told him to fuck off, but I needed all my energy to keep moving. I could feel how close I was to breaking; dropping onto the ground and happily quitting to let him do whatever he wanted to my indifferent corpse.

Like he could sense me giving up, Papyrus snapped his fingers and a low hurdle of bones appeared someway in front of me. Dulled by my exhaustion, I tried to avoid them and merely barreled through them, breaking them into a magic cloud of dust that caused a shooting pain through my entire body and saw me stumbling and tripping onto the rough ground.

“Fucking hell!” I cried, writhing on the ground and clinging to the freshly scrapped knee that had torn clear through my jeans, bleeding fresh in the morning light.

“GET UP!”

I rolled over, away from the biggest asshole on the whole fucking planet, “No! I’m fucking done!”

“I’LL SAY WHEN YOU’RE DONE!” He yelled down at me.

“Fuck you!” I spat back, torn between tears and boiling anger.

He just stared down at me, before scoffing, “SO, THIS IS HOW YOU’RE GOING TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING SLIGHTLY CHALLENGING HUMAN? KEEL OVER AND GIVE UP? I THOUGHT YOU HAD MORE FIRE, MORE SELF-RESPECT THAN THIS!”

I rose, standing up to stare absolutely lividly at this smug bastard. Impulsively, I tried to punch him, but he easily caught my hand, so I threw another punch at him instead, only to glare that both my hands were now restrained, preventing me from hitting him. Before I could kick him, he lifted me up, holding me arm's length away, watching me thrash in his grasp.

“Fuck you, fucker!!” I screamed, anger blocking everything but my desire to cause him more pain than I was in.

He laughed, “NYAH! THERE’S THE PASSION I LIKE TO SEE! USE IT, AND COMPLETE YOUR WORKOUT!”

“I fucking hate you so much!!”

I was dropped, and he quickly danced out of the range of my next swing.

“THEN CATCH ME HUMAN, IF YOU’RE NOT AS WEAK AS YOU SEEM!”

I tore grass out of the ground as I ran towards him, screaming in rage as I charged him. The smug fucker merely grinned, jogging backwards and easily evading each swing when I was close enough.

“MISS! MISSED AGAIN HUMAN! ANOTHER MISS!”

The anger eventually burned away into a dull hatred that left me calm enough to see how he was toying with me, running away from me backwards. I continued to glare at him, saw how his eyebrow rose in surprise before grinning when he saw I wasn’t trying to attack him anymore. Instead, he summoned more bone hurdles, but I was fucking ready! I may not have jumped over them gracefully or easily, but I fucking did it!

“HUMAN, YOU MANAGED TO NOT EMBARRASS YOURSELF THIS TIME!”

I ignored him, wishing nothing good on him or his mother.

…..Actually, fuck Sans too. Fuck everyone who had a skeleton inside them (and that certainly included me!)!!

With my second wind, I found that I could keep going, even if I didn’t want to. No, what motivated me now was beating this asshole at his own game! I was not going to quit till he did!

Seriously, fuck him and his stupid fucking face! God, I hated him!!

He sent another hurdle to block my path to him and I jumped over it more easily, even as I ignore my muscles crying out in distress. I felt a flash of pride at each victory and ignored his jeering, handling each hurdle as it came, one at a time.

That is, until Skeletor decided to up his fucking game.

“BEARLY ACCEPTABLE HUMAN. LET’S SEE IF YOU CAN’T DO BETTER WITH THESE.”

Another finger snap and three dog-skulls appeared from thin air behind his head, keeping in line with him as he continued to jog backwards.

I stumbled, eventually skidding to a halt.

“What the fuck are those!”

One of them opened its mouth and I could see a ball of white energy gathering in its maw. A split second later, I threw myself off to the side, narrowly dodging the beam of death.

Breathing heavily in the dirt, I watched as another one opened its mouth, taking aim.

I quickly got up and ran for the park entrance, running for my life and dodging the next beam.

A wall of bones blocked my path out, leaving me pressed against them as Papyrus moved towards me, boxing me in.

“I’D KEEP RUNNING IF I WERE YOU, HUMAN.” He grinned, thoroughly enjoying himself as the last one open its jaw wide.

I did just that, diving into the foliage nearby.

The whole area around me lit up, with a beam of light hitting the branches and leaves, streaming in around them to touch my skin and burn like hot water. Shrieking, I pressed myself flat to the ground and waited for the beam to vanish.

By the time it did, Papyrus was peering smugly down at me through the foliage, watching me quiver in the dirt.

“IT’S HARD TO DODGE WHEN YOU CAN’T SEE WHAT’S COMING, ISN’T IT?”

I stared at him in shocked disbelief, “Are you trying to kill me?!?”

He had the nerve to look shocked and hurt. “OF COURSE NOT HUMAN! I MERELY TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.”

“Which is??”

He stood back, folding his arms, “THAT IF YOU’RE GETTING ATTACKED, TURNING YOUR BACK AND RUNNING ISN’T A VERY SMART THING TO DO.”

“Wh-what else was I suppose to do??”

He grinned, placing his hand to his chest as he posed, “WHY, FIGHT BACK, OF COURSE!”

I couldn’t even with this guy! What the fuck was he?!?

He turned and walked away, and I watched him returning back to where we before, back over by the fountain, before the three skull-creatures moved down to block my view of his retreating back.

They opened their maws in unison, taking aim once more.

“I SUGGEST YOU GET OUT OF THERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN, HUMAN.”

Scrabbling, I clumsily tore myself free of the bush, feeling the heat at my back as I ran away, heading to vault over the walls to safety.

I, apparently, forgot about the bone walls, which burst out of the ground on my approach, but as I ran along it while trying to find a way around it, I quickly discovered they formed a large circle, keeping the fountain and Papyrus at its centre. All while I kept dodging death beams! The occasionally and increasingly frequent rate at which I kept feeling the stinging heat of my skin cued me in that I was rapidly slowing down.

Back pretty much where I was when I first encountered the bone walls, I could feel my popped blisters on the back of my heels throbbing with my racing heartbeat, everything screaming in agony as I wobbled in exhaustion. My second wind was long gone and I bearly had anything left in me to side-step out of the way of the next beam. The side step was awkward and uncoordinated, and I quickly toppled over. On the ground, I managed to roll over, avoiding the last beam, before heaving in the dirt once again.

Pointed boots came into my view.

“GET UP.”

“No.” I said weakly through heavy breathing.

“I SAID, GET UP.”

“And I *gasp* said no!”

I was fucking done.

Not even the hum of a laser getting charged up could make me do anything more than glare up at him, seeing my death charging behind him.

He looked down at me, “I TOLD YOU TO GET UP HUMAN!”

“*Pant, pant, pant* Fuck you, Skeletor.”

“WITH YOUR LAST BREATH, YOU’D REALLY WASTE IT JUST TO INSULT ME?!”

I weakly flipped him off before staring at the thing that would kill me.

Death by laser beams; what an awesome way to go. Add to the fact that I got to curse Papyrus with my last breath, and I could comfortably say that I did everything right…..well, I guess I wished that I could have kicked him in the crouch or something like that that would have caused him lasting pain, but eh.

I was so weak and exhausted that I didn’t even acknowledge Papyrus or what he may be up to until hot liquid spilled into my open mouth, choking me as I breathed in the liquid.

Still chocking, I was lifted up as hard thumps patted my back, helping me to cough up the liquid in my lungs.

“DRINK, HUMAN! DON’T INHALE!”

A cup or something was pressed to my lips, but I was spluttering so much that I couldn’t see with all the liquid I kept coughing up and into my eyes, blinding me. Add to the fact that it was Papyrus telling me to drink and that I still had liquid in my lungs, and I feel like I was more than justified knocking the cup out of his hand, turning my head away to continue coughing.

“HUMAN!” Papyrus growled angrily, dropping me back to the ground with a blow to the back of my head that really fucking hurt!

I was still hacking in the dirt when I was lifted again, only this time I felt my body freezing into place as the lip of the cup forced my mouth open wide, before pouring its contents into my mouth. Before I could spit up whatever this liquid was (something nasty that tasted like the sea but warmed up), a gloved hand clamped my mouth shut, holding my mouth firmly closed as another hand rubbed my throat.

Impulsively, I swallowed and in horror, I felt the hot liquid pour down my throat and into my stomach.

Holy tits; I-I just swallowed something Papyrus had been a part of making.

I-I wasn’t going to die awesomely to a laser beam! Death by liquid poison, how fucking lame was that??

I fought against the bonds that held me (both bone and magical), my struggles growing stronger and stronger with every passing second as I just pictured the liquid seeping deeper into me. If I didn’t do something fucking drastic right now, I’d never make it to the hospital in time!

My blind panic kept me from hearing my posioner until he was shaking me in his arms, “-TRYING TO HELP YOU!”

“Help me??” I screamed, still for a second, before resuming my struggles to escape him.

The red magic in his eyes flared back into existence and it seemed to me he was finally feeling some form of physical exhaustion as I struggled against him. Good!

“OF COURSE, YOU FOOL! NOTICE HOW MUCH MORE ENERGETICALLY YOU’RE FIGHTING ME!”

That stopped me as I did a quick assessment of my body. I was certainly feeling the pain of my physical exhaustion a fuck ton more now, but I was also breathing easier and I felt like I could make another run for safety, if I could just shake this fucker off!

I went right back to fighting him and his completely unfair magical advantage, “No thanks to you, asshole! You’re the one that was trying to kill me!”

“IF I WANTED TO KILL YOU, THOSE BEAMS WOULD HAVE DONE A LOT MORE DAMAGE THAN THAT TRAINING STING I SET THEM TO!”

“You were using the threat of death for training purposes??!”

“YES! LOOK HOW WELL YOU RAISED TO THE OCCASION! YOU GAVE IT YOUR ABSOLUTE ALL AND NEVER QUITE! YOU SHOULD BE QUITE PROUD OF YOURSELF!”

I stopped fighting, staring slacked-jawed at him, “Proud??!”

He nodded, before lifting a cup up to my face, “NOW DRINK THIS PROPERLY HUMAN, IT WILL HELP RESTORE MORE OF YOUR ENERGY.”

I was still staring at him when he eventually got tired of waiting for my cooperation. He glared at me and lifted the cup to my lips, forcing more of the liquid in. I was still holding the liquid in my mouth and was still thinking about spitting it at him when his hand moved to my throat.

Quickly, I swallowed my mouthful.

No longer distracted by weakness, the impending death, and the impulse to fight to the bitter end, I could feel how my body got more energy that helped me feel more like how I normally did.

You know, if you took away the dull ache of everything fucking hurting!

Something about my reaction must have reassured Papyrus of something, because suddenly I was free to move and he pressed a canister to my hand before pushing himself up, dusting himself off.

“DRINK THIS UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN WALK AGAIN.”

I looked into the canister, seeing a strange green liquid in it, smelling exactly like I fucking knew it would; like someone took sea water and just dropped a few drops of green food dye in it.

“This smells and tastes like sh-seaweed.” I said, not feeling inclined to drink more of this shit.

Papyrus actually laughed, “NYHA HAH HA! YES, IT IS A RATHER DISTASTEFUL DRINK, BUT MONSTER FOOD AND DRINK ARE THE FINEST THINGS TO RESTORE LOST ENERGY, AND SEATEA IS ONE OF THE BEST AT DOING IT.”

“It better be; because there’s no way anyone is drinking this for the taste.” I said, barely repressing a shudder as I swallowed an unwilling mouthful.

Papyrus laughed again, louder this time, and drawing in the gazes of the only other pair of joggers, who took one look at Papyrus before flat out running away in fear.

When I had all I could stand with horrible drink, I placed the cup cap back on, handing it back to him as I stood up, no longer wobbling on my feet.

“BETTER?” He had the nerve to ask.

“I am still so unbelievably mad at you.” I growled at him, turning my back on him as I headed for the park’s exit.

He was so fucking lucky that a bone wall didn’t block my path, allowing me to head home. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to walk back, but it would have most assuredly involved excessive violence and all of his teeth!

Apparently, Skeletor wanted my impromptu dental surgery because he came jogging up to me, walking just behind me.

“Leave me alone, Fuck face!”

“I LIVE IN THE SAME APARTMENT BUILDING AS YOU, UNGRATEFUL HUMAN!”

He had me there, but there was no way I was going to deal with him all the way back!

Stopping on a nearby houses’ front wall, I took a breather and prayed that he was smart enough to just keep walking before I had to explain that it wasn’t a hate crime, just pure hate that motivated me attacking him.

He wasn’t, stopping by a light post and well out of my first striking distance.

Cocking his hips out to the side, he had the gall to ask, “WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE POLITE HUMAN WHO WAS CATERING TO MY WHIMS LAST NIGHT?”

I laughed, bitterly, “Would that be before you tried killing me through physical exhaustion?”

“IT’S CALLED PUSHING YOURSELF, HUMAN. TO DO MORE THAN YOU THINK YOU’RE CAPABLE OF AND FINDING OUT THAT YES, YOU CAN DO MORE.”

“There’s a fucking limit!”

I angrily pushed myself away from my support and stormed off, ignore the pain of my blisters, my legs, my fucking everything! Oh my god, he actually believed he was trying to help me?? If I knew he was just fucking with me, that, I could handly because, you know, fuck him.

But when the Fuck Trumpet actually thought he was the good guy?? That I was just ungrateful??

There were no words to describe what I was feeling; just a lot of violent images playing over and over in a loop to a death metal soundtrack.

“I DON’T GET WHY YOU’RE ANGRY HUMAN?!!” He said, jogging to catch up and walk next to me, “YOU PUSHED YOURSELF TO THE EXTREMES AND DIDN’T GIVE UP. SURE, YOU REACHED YOUR LIMIT EMBARRASSING QUICK, BUT YOU STILL DID IT.”

I stopped, staring at him, “Was-was that a compliment??”

He stopped too, “IF YOU CONSIDER THE TRUTH A COMPLIMENT, THEN YES.”

“But-but I saw you last night! You don’t compliment anyone about anything!”

He scowled, “I DO WHEN IT’S TRULY DESERVED!”

I was at a complete loss for words, so I settled with being honest with him.

“I still fucking hate you.” I said, turning to continue to walk home.

He walked alongside me, “IS THAT WHY YOU KEPT DODGING MY INVITATIONS?”

Oh fucking hell, I didn’t like where this was going!

“Wh-what makes you-“

“STOP HUMAN. JUST STOP. IF THERE’S ONE THING I DETEST MORE THAN LYING, IT’S LYING TO BE POLITE.” He looked over at me to see me watching him carefully, “YOUR FRIDGE WAS FILLED WITH ANY NUMBER OF THE THINGS YOU’VE CLAIMED YOUR ALLERGIC TO.”

“Oh”

What else could I possibly say to that??

“WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME NOW, HUMAN?” He moved forward to look into my face, watching my reactions very carefully, “GOT SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TELL TO ME?”

“……………………………………………………I-I had to go to the hospital after eating your food. I-I almost died and I’ve been scared to ever eat anything you’ve cooked ever since.”

He stopped in front of me, forcing me to stop too.

“ANYTHING ELSE?” He asked, crossing his arms and scowling down at me.

Well fuck, I was already here. Might as well come clean.

I mean, how much more fucked could I get?

“I-I think you’re very self-centred, mean, intimidating as all fuck, a horrible chief, and I don’t understand what you and Sans’s relationship is, but it didn’t look nice to me….and I never want to go exercising with you ever again.”

He bent down, lowering his face inches from mine as he scowled, “IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT ME, THEN WHY HAVE YOU BEEN SO ACCOMMODATING AND PLEASANT TO ME? DID YOU THINK I WOULD HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU IF YOU DISPLEASED ME?”

I dropped my head, “Well no, but what the fuck else was I suppose to say?”

“YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY, ‘I DON’T LIKE YOU AND I DETEST HANGING AROUND YOU’. THAT’S WHAT SOMEONE WITH A SPINE SAYS.” He growled.

“I did like last night.” I admitted, looking quickly up at him, “I enjoyed seeing you two teaming up and you weren’t half bad when you weren’t criticizing everything that wasn’t you.”

“HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSE TO IMPROVE THE WORLD IF I DON’T POINT OUT ALL ITS FLAWS?” He genuinely asked.

“There’s a big difference between constructive feedback and being a judgmental arse.”

I expected him to be angry with that, so it was rather surprising that, after staring at me, his scowl slowly morphed into a beaming smile.

“Wh-what are you smiling about?” I asked nervously, picturing any number of horrible punishments crossing his mind just then.

He surprised me by picking me up and lifting me up into the air, “I THINK I PREFER YOU LIKE THIS, HUMAN! WHEN WE FIRST MET, I ENJOYED YOUR GROVELLING, EVEN IF I KNEW IT WASN’T AS SINCERE AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. BUT THIS? HAVING YOU ACTUALLY STAND YOUR GROUND?” He laughed, his eyes sparkling, “YOU’RE A COWARD WITH A SOUL OF SOMEONE MUCH BRAVER! SO MUCH FIGHT AND SPIRIT BARELY BEING HELD BACK BY UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNT OF LAYERS OF COWARDICE, COMPLIANCE, AND COMPLACENCY! I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU BLOOM TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL!”

He put me back on the ground, patting my head before continuing to walk home, saying cheerfully, “YOU WILL BE A GOOD INFLUENCE ON HIM!”

Thoroughly confused by what the fuck was going on anymore, I quickly ran up to catch up, “Him who?”

He turned and gave me a condescending smile, “PLEASE HUMAN, I WASN’T BORN YESTERDAY. DON’T THINK I DON’T HEAR MY OWN BROTHER’S VOICE COME THROUGH YOUR WALLS. I DON’T KNOW WHEN YOU TWO STARTED HOOKING UP, BUT I’VE HEARD NOTHING BUT VOLATILE SWEARS ALL WEEK. COULD YOU TWO TRY FUCKING WITH LESS LANGUAGE?”

My face exploded in blush, “We-we’re not fucking each other!”

I quickly buried my face in my hands when Papyrus gave me a disbelieving stare, “I swear on fucking anything; we’re just playing video games!!”

“TRULY?” He asked, surprised.

“Yes!”

He seemed to be considering that, looking away thoughtfully.

Before he could take this conversation anywhere else, I divided for any random thought I had to take us the hell away from these waters!

“H-how are you not madder about me not being so compliant? I-I would have thought you’d hate humans standing up to you? You know, being captain of the Royal Guard and all?”

Papyrus scoffed, “THE ONLY TIME YOU HUMANS STAND UP TO ME IS WHEN YOU’RE IN GROUPS. IT’S ACTUALLY REFRESHING TO SEE A HUMAN STANDING UP TO ME AND FOR IT NOT TO BE A RACE THING.”

“A race thing?” I looked quickly over at him, “I knew things weren’t perfect, but-“

“HUMAN, I DEAL WITH OTHER SIMPERING HUMANS ALL DAY; POLITICS WHO WANT TO BUILD ‘RELATIONSHIPS’ ALL WHILE THEY CURSE MY SPECIES BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, BUSINESS OWNERS CLAIMING THAT THEY DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MONSTERS YET CAN’T RECALL THE LAST MONSTER THEY SERVED, HUMANS ON THE STREET LYING ABOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT A MONSTER’S DUST ON THE GROUND.” His scowl got darker, “I WILL ALWAYS PREFER THE HONEST TRUTH THAN LIES DESIGNED TO FOOL ME. AT LEAST AN HONEST ENEMY IS ONE I KNOW TO KEEP AN EYE ON, RATHER THAN JUST ALWAYS SUSPECTING EVERYONE ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I CAN NOT TRUST ANYTHING ANY HUMAN SAYS TO ME.” He turned and looked over at my shocked face, “WELL, I GUESS I CAN ADD JUST ONE EXCEPTION.”

“Me? Seriously??”

“OF COURSE; I’M NO LIAR, HUMAN, AND TODAY, YOU HAVE PROVEN THAT YOU ARE NOT ONE EITHER….A POLITE COWARD, FOR SURE, BUT HONEST ENOUGH.”

We kept walking back in silence after that, the trip taking longer than it had when he had been behind me, whacking my calves. I was still mulling over what he said and trying to figure out how exactly I felt about him as I limped home. I couldn’t say I approved of the guy who was so aggressive, outright narcissistic, and ever so critical of everything around him, (especially if he considered being so as the only means he saw at improving people around him…..especially Sans), but the hatred I had felt for him in the park had passed. I didn’t hate him now, but neither did it mean I liked him.

Walking past a bin that I remember stumbling into when he had delivered a painful blow to my calves, I turned and asked, “So, what was with this early morning then? Was that a test or something?”

“OF COURSE NOT! I WILL ADMIT I WAS SURPRISED TO SEE YOU TALKING BACK TO ME LAST NIGHT AND OUTRIGHT SHOCKED AS THE MORNING WENT ON, BUT THIS MORNING WAS PURELY ABOUT IMPROVING YOU.”

“By running me into the ground?”

“BY PUSHING YOU TO YOUR LIMIT.” He looked over at me now winching with every step, “IT APPEARS I WAS SUCCESSFUL.”

“Yeah, well you can forget ever bringing me along to another what can only be called ‘Death Marches’. I’m not above exercise but I am in so much pain right now, Papyrus.”

“I THOUGHT YOU JUST WALKED FUNNY.”

I glared at him, still limping, “It’s called having torn skin and pulled muscles, skeleton cuckold.”

I stopped, hobbling over to a light post to kick up my heels from my shoes, looking down and confirming the damaged. I was a mess; blood seeping that had soaked the back of my shoes. I didn’t bother to look at my scrapped knee or worry about the dirt and twigs I knew my hair, skin and clothes were covered in.

How was I suppose to get home like this?

I looked over to see Papyrus watching me carefully, specifically my bleeding legs. Shrugging it off as just a skeleton monster seeing a human bleeding for the first time, I kicked off my shoes enough that my heels were standing on the back of my shoes, keeping the back of my heels out as I continued to struggle home.

He looked me over as he easily caught up, “SO, IF I ADJUSTED MY TRAINING TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR SPECIES FLAWED DESIGNS, YOU WOULD JOIN ME FOR ANOTHER RUN?”

I laughed bitterly, “And why would I say yes to such a thing, ever?”

“BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE DOING THIS WITH YOU AND I’M WILLING TO LEARN FROM….ANY ERRORS I MAY HAVE MADE TODAY.”

“May??” I stopped again, “Are you admitting that you made mistakes?”

He stopped too, “I ADMIT NOTHING!”

I kept walking, “Then I guess I’m not interested in round two-“

“WAIT!”

I kept walking, but I wasn’t surprised to see Papyrus catching up again, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“If you want me to ever do this with you again, you’re going have to admit you were wrong and agree to my conditions.”

He narrowed his eyes at me, “…..WHAT CONDITIONS?”

“No fucking magic, for a start, and tone the fuck down on the intensity and difficulty!”

He scoffed, “IF I LET MY ROYAL GUARDS DICTATE THE INTENSITY THEY TRAINED AT, THEY WOULDN’T TAKE ONE STEP!”

“Papyrus! My feet are bleeding and everything hurts! I’ll be lucky if I can walk at all by this afternoon. I’ve heard that exercise should make you feel invigorated and ready to tackle the day, not make you want to curl into a ball and never move again!”

“IT DOES!” He insisted.

“That’s not what you proved to me today!”

He fell into silence, giving me plenty of time to wonder why the hell was I pushing for this? He just asked me if I wanted to do this shit again and my answer hadn’t been ‘hell no’?? What happened? What the fuck actually happened??

As I was hobbling home, thinking how in the hell I was Jedi-mind tricked into even considering this insanity, he spoke up, “AND IF I AGREE TO ALL YOUR DEMANDS, YOU WOULD COME OUT WITH ME FOR REGULAR MORNING RUNS?”

“…..Not every morning.” I wanted, “And certainly not for a really, REALLY long time.”

“HOW LONG?” He asked, eagerly.

His eagerness threw me off, “Ab-about a week?”

He nodded at that, seemingly pleased as he hummed in delight.

Next thing I knew, he was sweeping me off my feet, carrying me in his arms.

“Wh-what are you doing??”

He just kept walking, walking at a brisker pace than I was even capable of when not in a fuck ton of pain.

“WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M DOING? I’M CARRYING YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN NOT WALK AT AN ACCEPTABLE PACE.”

“Whose fault-!”

He brought a hand up to cover my face, smothering my outrage, “QUITE HUMAN! YOU NEED TO RELAX AND RECOVER FASTER.”

Pushing off his hand, I rolled my eyes and allowed myself to be carried home, long past the point of caring how it looked to any of the weird people up this early in the morning. Sure, it was coming up to late morning, but until I had been chased out of my bed, I’d been planning to sleep in till am turned into pm like any sane person.

“…..I ACCEPT YOUR CONDITIONS, HUMAN.” Papyrus said after a time, still carrying me home.

“Really?” I said, folding my arms, “You’ll not use your magic to ‘whip’ me into shape and tone down the difficulty?”

“IF I MUST.”

“And you’ll admit that you fucked up today with how hard you pushed me and swear it’ll never happen again?”

He glared down at me in his arms, “……I SWEAR THAT NEXT TIME WILL BE VASTLY BETTER. I-I AIM TO BUILD YOU UP AT A CHILD’S PACE, IF I MUST. I SWEAR THOUGH, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO TODAY’S EXERCISE FLAWLESSLY BY THE TIME I’M DONE WITH YOU.”

I rolled my eyes, adding, “And you messed up today.”

“AND I MESSED UP TODAY!” He snapped, looking away.

Pleased, I sat back, throwing my arms behind my head to really hammer in just who was in control right now. Knowing that he wanted me to come along for jogs and was willing to cater to my wishes, I couldn’t lie, it gave me a bit of vindictive pleasure. Finally, some power over the guy who had been a pain in my arse!

Think the next time I went for a morning job with Papyrus it would be a slow, nice walk. Think ‘sloth’. Really test just how much he wanted me to jog with me in the morning and see if I couldn’t use that to get him to ease up on the criticism of my life and Sans.

“y/n?!”

Walking into our apartment building’s foyer, Papyrus and I both looked over to see a frazzled Sans, dressed in nothing but his shorts and shirt. His eyes darted between me and his brother before focusing on my legs.

“what happened papyrus??”

Papyrus scowled, stepping past him to wait for the elevator he just called to arrive, “WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT YOUR HUMAN IS INCREDIBLY WEAK AND SOFT!”

“His human??” I cried out in outrage.

I was prompts ignored by both skeletons as they both stepped into the elevator, still talking to each other.

“look at her! what did you do to her??”

“WE WENT FOR A MORNING EXERCISE, SANS! CALM DOWN!”

Sans eye lights quickly focused on me, “i’m sorry y/n! when i read his note, which conveniently left out where he was headin',” Papyrus rolled his eyes with a huff, “i tried lookin' for ya at every park. i only just got back.”

“MAYBE IF YOU WOKE UP AT A REASONABLE TIME, YOU COULD HAVE JOINED IS PROPERLY!” Papyrus snapped.

Sans looked back to his brother, his eyes growing darker, “she’s not doin' this shit again with you, boss.”

Papyrus grinned smugly down at his scowling brother, “YOU REALLY THINK SO SANS?”

“yeah!” Sans vowed.

Scoffing, Papyrus giggled me in his arms, “TELL HIM.”

With Sans now looking at me, I shrugged, “Papyrus and I talked, and while we both agree today was filled with his fuck-ups,” Papyrus growled, his hands on me tightly painfully, “I agreed to give it another shot. You know, when I’ve had enough time to heal from all of this.”

Sans merely gapped at me, shock and disbelief clear across his face.

He was still flabbergasted when the elevator doors opened up to our floor and Papyrus walked out, his brother following close behind him. Gently, I was lowered in front of my door, unsteadily and in a lot more pain now that I had time to off my feet.

Checking if I was stable, Papyrus stood back with a nod, “WELL HUMAN, I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR SPEEDY RECOVERY AND TRYING THIS AGAIN WHEN YOUR FLAWED BODY HAS HEALED.”

“You know, even when you’re trying to be nice, you still come off a bit of a dick.” I said, while Sans looked quickly over at Papyrus, trying to gauge his reaction.

Papyrus ignored me, folding his arms as he continued, “TO ENSURE YOUR FLAWED BODY DOESN’T HEAL POORLY, THUS GIVING YOU AN EXCUSE TO WEASEL OUT OF OUR ARRANGED EXERCISE SESSION, I WILL BE COMING OVER WITH A BUNCH OF MONSTER FOOD AND DRINKS THAT I EXPECT YOU TO CONSUME.”

“Not more of that horrible tea stuff!” I complained, eyeing the distasteful canister under his arm.

“THE VERY SAME!”

Papyrus unlocked his door, quickly disappearing inside, leaving it just me and Sans.

He walked up to me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder, “y/n, seriously, are-are you okay with this? you’d tell me if he threatened you with somethin', right?”

I patted his hand, grinning at him, “Nice to see that you care about me Dick, but I assure you, we worked it out. Your brother,” I looked quickly to the door to make sure he wasn’t about to walk out, “He’s, well, he’s any number of horrible things, but he’s not a bad guy.” I looked down at myself, “At least he had good intentions…I think.”

“ya think?” Sans laughed in disbelief.

“OF COURSE MY INTENTIONS WERE GOOD!” snapped Papyrus, coming back with a shopping bag filled with a number of things.

He dumped the bag next to me, holding out a paper to me.

“What’s this?” I asked, taking it and looking it over.

“A HEALING SCHEDULE, THAT YOU ARE TO FOLLOW TO THE LETTER!” He folded his arms, standing next to Sans, “I PLAN TO CHECK ON YOU LATER DURING THE DAY AND IF I SEE THAT YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING IT PERFECTLY, I WILL DRAG YOU INTO MY APARTMENT AND FOCUS YOU TO HEAL PROPERLY!”

“My god, you’d make a fabulous nurse.” I muttered, before grinning.

I hoped he couldn’t guess why I was suddenly grinning. It certainly had nothing to do with the mental image that just popped into my mind about a certain skeleton in a certain, health-care uniform. Nope, not me!

Scowling at me, Papyrus grabbed the back on Sans’s jacket, dragging and tossing him inside their apartment, before looking smugly back at me.

“OH, AND NEXT TIME WE EXERCISE, BE SURE TO ACTUALLY WEAR SOME UNDERWEAR.”

Sans popped out from around their door to see me hiding my blushing face, “what??”

Papyrus pushed his brother back in, laughing as their door closed behind him.

 Quickly, I opened my apartment door, fully intending to throw myself into the couch to scream my embarrassment out that I had been caught like that.

….Only to discover that the door was locked.

…..And my keys and phone were still inside.

“PAPYRUS!!”

 

Next chapter is called: Finding my Shame


	17. In̛k̢͠ M̴͝ac̢h̡͝in̴̶̛e- (Non-Cannon/ Halloween Fun)

_In dimension c-137 (pre-Croneberging), a Undertale Fanfic writer by the pen name Rnd_Injustice discovers an internet ‘spell’ that relates to their relatively new interests. Laughing it off as just ‘something stupid but fun’, this writer went out and brought the ingredients required to complete the binding, following the instructions as listed[here](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/rnd-injustice/178640180283) in the month of October._

_The following chapter is a direct result of a successful binding. All attempts to remove or alter this chapter have been unsuccessful._

_(Warning, this contains non-cannon: Horror elements/ minor gore, Swears (der))_

An ink puddle appeared one day from out of nowhere.

Specifically, my fucking floor!

“What the hell??” I complained, staring at the dark pool in the middle of my living room.

On closer inspection, the strange thing was how, even though it was obviously still wet, it didn’t seem like it was spreading any further.

Like magic or some shit.

Assuming I knew the magical fucker who thought this was funny, I pulled my phone out to give him a call.

“Oh, you better pick up, prick!” I muttered, waiting for the dial tone to end.

“Man, do you ever have a mouth on you!”

Wheeling around, I saw a skeleton leaning back on my couch, grinning at me.

From what I could see, this guy had weird eyes that changed colours and shapes, independent to whatever the hell the other eye was doing. His smug grin wasn’t sharp like I had come to know, but he looked like he had the same build as Sans's. He had a long, brown scarf that looked like it might have just been butchers’ paper and…a giant paintbrush behind his back??

He was also covered in ink stains.

Not taking any chances, I turned and bolted for my room, fully intending to call every number the police had!

Only to come face to face with this guy!

Literally.

I bounced off him, hitting the floor. Rubbing my bruised forehead, I peered up in horror at this guy through watering eyes.

He grinned, posing, “Well, I guess I’m impervious to damage here after all! That’s really handy info to have.” He waved his hands at me, “Now, there’s no need to panic. I know this is cliché, but I mean you no harm.”

“You broke into my house, spilled ink everywhere and just about broke my nose!”

“Hey! I didn’t do that last one on purpose!”

“I don’t care! Get out of my house or I’ll scream!”

He shrugged, looking around instead, “Go ahead.”

“You think I won't??”

“I think it won’t matter.” He looked back at me on the floor, “I mean, I’d rather skip this part and get to the good stuff, but I guess we need to take the slow path. So go ahead, get it out of your system.”

I stared up at this guy, who was clearly insane, growing even more alarmed. Taking a deep breath, I let loose, screaming bloody murder.

Only I wasn’t making any sounds.

The fuck wit grinned further, cupping a hand to the side of his head, “Sorry, I didn’t hear that.”

I tried again, and again.

Nothing.

“What have you done to my voice, fucker??” I yelled at him.

“Maybe you’d like me to explain myself now?” He asked, putting his hands on his hips, smugly.

Ignoring him, I pulled out my phone instead, sticking to my original plan of calling the police.

Only to find Sans’s face filling the entire screen.

“That’s a lot of ‘only’s you’ve got going on.” Dipshit said, waggling his finger, “Try opening up a thesaurus some time, Creator.”

“y/n!” The image of Sans said on my phone, “you’ve got to help me!”

“Okay, someone had better start explaining shit to me!” I yelled into the apartment, “If I’m getting pranked, I promise lots and lots of violence upon all participants!!”

“Hee, if you only knew.” Cumstain walked past me and back into the living room, looking like he was having the time of his life.

Completely lost, I looked back to my phone.

“Sans? Is tha-?? Wha-? How?!”

He was sitting back now, leaning heavily against my screen, “i’ve got no fuckin’ clue what’s happenin’ either, but i…i have a theory. mind showing me what this guy looks like?”

Practically on autopilot, I walked into the living room, my phone out in front of me.

The cunt was sitting back on my couch, texting.

“what’s your name?” Sans asked from my phone, growling.

He looked up, “You know it, Sans.”

“…y/n, you need to get out of-“

“Before you start doing anything that will just waste time, can I please introduce myself?”

Looking back at….Phone Sans, I waited for some sort of sign on what to do. When he eventually nodded, I staggered into the armchair, holding out the screen towards the twat.

“right, so who the fuck are you?” Sans’s digital voice asked, “and what the fuck have you done to me?”

“Always a smart one, this one.” He continued playing around on his phone, grinning as he spoke, “So, my name’s Ink, and I guess you could say I’m an interdimensional traveller, travelling the different realities to see what the Creators are creating. Trying something new and really liking the results so far….with only a few hiccups.”

“Creators? As in god? Are you telling me you’re here looking for god in my apartment?” I asked, really hoping this didn’t turn into a religious thing.

Nothing like adding ‘crazy’ and ‘religion’ together to get some truly insane results!

Inkcunt laughed, “Oh, I wouldn’t call them ‘god’! Don’t inflate their ego any more than it already is!”

“so why are you here and what have you done to me?!” Sans yelled, the phone actually buzzing in my hand.

Inkbrains looked up from his phone, pocketing it. “Well, first up, me being here isn’t entirely my choice. Your Creator brought me here, so blame them, not me. Secondly, all I did was put your soul into a digital format, so you can quit acting like I’ve got you trapped there. Try moving around, lazybones. Lastly, I’ll be gone in twenty-four Reader hours….actually, less than that, but you get the idea. When I go, everything that happened here goes with me, including your memories and time itself, so it’ll be like none of this ever happened. Until that happens, I’m going to have a look around and see what I can’t do.”

“What the fuck is any of that suppose to mean??”

I was promptly ignored as Inkshit moved around my apartment, looking over my possessions.

“Great chemistry between the love interests, a bit heavy-handed with the violence and certainly with the swears, but I guess that’s the appeal. Nice and non-descriptive settings with short and sweet chapters that get right to the point until SOMEONE just had to keep making them longer, but eh. Not as well laid out as in Bitty Hunt, but then again, not everything has to go as slow as a glacier.”

Meanwhile, I was talking quietly to Sans.

“What do I do??”

He shrugged, looking irritable, “look, I fuckin’ hate this as much as you, but take it from me; if he wanted us dead, we’d already be dust.”

“Then, what do we do about you??”

“workin’ on it.”

Ink-stain shoved his face in between us, “Can I jump in here?”

I jumped back with a shriek, nearly dropping Sans in the process.

“If you want to get him out of there and back into his body, you just need to pass seven levels.”

“Levels??”

He nodded, “Game levels. Well, genres, actually. It’s a great suggestion from one of the Readers and it fits this story’s theme, so I figure, why not?”

“and what game are we meant to play, dipshit?” Sans asked, glaring up at him from the screen while I question my reality and the definition of sanity.

Ink thumbed towards my computer, “I’ve just loaded it up on both Y/n’s computer and phone. Complete it, and you’ll be free.”

“I thought you said everything you did would get undone in twenty-four hours?” I asked, glaring at him.

He grinned cheekily, “Well, that’s what I said, but who knows if you can trust anything I say, right?”

“Including this game?”

“Oh that! You can totally trust me on that! Swear on my soul!”

I narrowed my eyes even more at him. Something about him trying to appear as innocent as possible was really off!

Suddenly, Sans’s voice was calling out from my computer.

“whoa!” he exclaimed, as a little version of him appeared on my desktop.

“How did you get on my computer??” I exclaimed, quickly making my way to my computer chair.

He was looking around my desktop when he responded, “i dunno. i just kinda knew where your computer was, and headed for it.”

“Well, figure out where the exit is, and get out here!”

“geez tits! why’re ya yellin’ at me for?”

In a flash of light, Sans disappeared from my computer, to appear on my television screen, before disappearing again and turning up on my phone once more.

“oh man, i just discovered something really cool!” He grinned, looking eagerly around on my screen.

“I’m glad someone’s having fun!” I snapped, before waving my arm towards Ink-cum’s direction, “Meanwhile, I’m trapped in my own house by a crazy person-“ “Hey! That’s Mr All-Powerful Crazy person!” “-while you’re dicking around!”

“calm down tits. how about some relaxin’ music, eh?”

Suddenly, my stereo system turned on, playing some ear bleeding bagpipe solo at the max setting.

Clasping my hands over my ears, I ran over to them, screaming over the volume, “What’s even happening any more?!?”

Pressing the button didn’t work, so I moved on to smashing everything. When that didn’t work, I settled for tearing the plug from the wall, breathing heavily through gritted teeth.

Sans laughing from my phone didn’t help.

“You better shut the fuck up before I decide destroying my phone is worth it!”

Sans picked himself up, wiping a tear of mirth from the corner of his eye, “hee, it was so worth it though!”

“That’s it! I’m tossing my phone in the toilet!”

In a flash, he was back on my computer, “gonna toss your baby down there too?”

“You two are really entertaining!” Ink-stain (fuck, I already used that one!) said by my couch, giggling like an idiot!

Impulsively, I turned to yell at him, but something about Sans’s behaviour caught the corner of my eye.

“let’s see what kind of kinky shit you're into, tits.”

Desperately, I ran over to my computer, fumbling with the mouse in my flurry as he made his way towards my folder icons.

“Stay the fuck out of my shit, dick!!”

He grinned, “what are you afraid i’ll see tits?”

Any number of things, ranging from personal to the flat-out embarrassing! None of which I wanted anyone ever to see! Especially not him!

With nothing better to try, I used my mouse to click and drag him away, surprising us both that I was able to hold him suspended in mid-air.

“hey!” he complained, before teleporting back to the ground.

So I clicked and dragged him up again.

He teleported again.

“you know that mouse fuckin’ hurts, right?” he growled, staring at me.

I immediately dragged the mouse over at him and spam hit the mouse button.

“Then stay the hell away from my stuff!”

I chased him around the screen as he teleported around. In retaliation, he started smashing my icons, breaking the links, and I, in return, began tossing him into the ‘walls’.

The only one icon he couldn’t destroy was a new one that I hadn’t seen before; a cartoon face of Ink, winking.

The moment he touched it, a game began running and filled the entire screen, blocking everything else.

Sans was now stuck in a Blue box on a black backdrop, pushing uselessly at the edges.

“what the fuck is this shit?!?” he complained.

“’The Racing Level’?” I said, reading the title above the blue box.

Sans pressed himself to the screen, trying to peer up, “racing level?”

I turned around to see Ink-bastard back on his phone.

Like he could sense me looking at him, he looked up, grinning.

“Yes, it’s almost like I can ‘sense’ you looking at me. Plus, words hurt, you know?”

“What?” I said, confused.

“Nevermind.” He said, pushing himself up before coming to stand next to me, “So, what can I help with?”

“i think you’ve done more than enough.” Sans grumbled, upset that his fun had been ruined.

“He just needs to win a race?” I asked, wanting to make sure…..why was I taking this seriously again??

“Yeah. I ‘designed’ this game, but then again, games like this are easy to design when the medium you’re using to communicate it is literature.”

“….You just ‘designed’ a game? Like, in the last five minutes?”

“Actually, it only took me a second.”

Oh, that’s right! Because, apparently, skeletons had hidden powers! I half expected Papyrus to come over into my apartment, hovering! What if the secret to all mysteries was hidden in his lasagna this whole time!?

Ink-shit chuckled, pulling out his phone again, “Only secret at the bottom of that thing is what happens after death, and it’s not all skeletons that have hidden powers. Just little ole…broken me.”

“Okay! Are you, like, reading my mind or something??” I asked, feeling angry yet somehow creeped out.

He looked up at me, grinning, “Totally.”

“will you two stop gossipin’ and press the start button or somethin’?!”

Ignoring Ink-fuck, I turned back to the screen and moved my cursor over the start button.

Immediately, Sans was in a red sports car, at the starting race with like twelve other different coloured cars.

“What happens if he loses?” I asked, realising that this really should have been a question I asked sooner.

Ink-bitch shrugged, “He’ll have to play again? He can’t die, if that’s what you’re getting at, but it’s still going to hurt him.”

“Shit, he’s really bad at racing gamed though!” I argued.

“like hell i am!” Sans snapped as the race started, “Don’t forget who kicked your butt the last time we played.”

“Oh, would this be the time you totally cheated?”

How else was he going to explain away the piss-poor performance?

“Sans, you’re losing.” I pointed out, watching him lag behind everyone else.

“i fuckin’ know tits! it’s not me; it’s these controls!”

I actually laughed at that, “Sure! Blame the controller!”

“i’m drivin’ in first-person and i can’t see shit out this little window!”

“Does that explain why you keep grinding along the walls?”

“do you want to drive??”

I looked over at Ink-balls, who winked, pointing to the keyboard.

“It’s typical WASD controls, with space bar for brake and shift for turbo.”

“Okay,” I sat down, cracking my knuckles, “If I’m going crazy, let’s just fucking go with it!”

Once I started controlling his car, I immediately took him away from the wall and towards the other players, using boast and drifting to slowly work my up the chain.

“somethin’s taken over my controls!” Sans called out, alarmed.

“That would be me saving your arse, dick.” I grinned, concentrating.

“….you can control my car?”

“Yeah, so I’d be extra nice to me if you don’t want to test how good those seatbelts are.”

There was a moment of silence, before he replied sulky, “i didn’t need yer fuckin’ help.”

My smile only got bigger, “Sure babe, whatever you say.”

~*~

Of course, I fucking won the race.

Sans was still sulking as his car crossed the finish line. Big babe was fucking sulking as the game put him on a podium, a blonde bimbo placing a ribbon around his neck and resting a big trophy in the crook of his folded arms as confetti rained down on him.

“Come on Sans, try to look happier.” I laughed, already taking a screenshot.

He tossed the trophy aside as the game shut down, returning him to my desktop, “alright! that shit’s done! what next?!”

“Dunno.” I turned to see Ink-taint looking up from his phone to tap the space next to his nasal cavity, “Ink’s not giving any hints about it.”

“yeah, well i’d don’t really care what it is; i’m better at all the other type of games anyway.”

“Just not the ones where I’m better, right?”

“shut the hell up Y/n.”

Chuckling, I sat and watched Sans press the game icon again, loading in a typical fighting game.

“ha! a game i’m easily better than you at.”

“Excuse me?”

Sans grinned at me from the screen, giving me that mock pitty look I hate so much, “come now y/n, don’t be so prideful. you can’t be good at every game, you know?”

“Oh shut up, you massive prick!”

Now it was my turn to sulk as I sat back and watched Sans’s fight start.

I-I would never admit this, but Sans was better than me at fighting games. Fucker had this amazing ability to know what buttons I was pressing and how to dodge them just right, despite my technique of just button mashing the simple punches. Watching him now, with him keeping his ability to teleport and sending rows and rows of bones attacks, I could tell he would make one hell of a boss fight.

“You’re not far from the truth there, Y/n.”

 Leaving Sans to his match, I spun my chair around to find Ink-spaz texting away again.

“Who are you texting anyway?” I asked, trying to figure out his deal and what the hell I would tell my doctor to start taking medication to deal with this very vivid hallucination.

“Readers.” He winked, waving happily at me, “Hope you guys are enjoying the show so far! Comment below.”

“Are you running some sort of Youtube channel? Like, comment and subscribe kind of crap?”

“Nah, nothing like that.” He looked back to his screen, “You two are quite popular among this Creator’s Readers, don’t you know?”

“Well, that’s creepy.” I folded my arms, “I hope you’re not inviting more uninvited guests here.”

He chuckled, “Oh, they were already here, long before me.”

“…..Sans!”

Sans stopped playing with a heavily outmatched opponent to look at me, lazily, “what’s up y/n?”

“Did your new electrical self sense any cameras in my place??”

He looked surprised, “no? why?”

“Ink-creep made it seem like my house is bugged.”

“well, i didn’t sense anythin’.” He said, going back to dodging.

“….Should I be worried?”

He laughed tightly, “until he’s gone or i get out, i wouldn’t stop worryin’.”

“Well, aren’t you a beacon of hope and optimism.” I spun back around to face my screen, “Sh-should I go get your brother? I think he’d help.”

Sans just managed to dodge an attack, stumbling a bit, “if it’s all just the same with you y/n, i’d rather leave him out of this.”

“Why?”

“….if ink’s as powerful as i think he is, there’s nothin’ boss can do. do you really want him getting involved in this?”

I looked over to see Ink nodding eagerly, sitting up on the couch.

“…I guess you’re right.”

Sans smiled softly, “thanks y/n.”

I waved him off, “No problem. Now, will you please finish this already?”

“aw.” He complained playfully, “i thought you’d be all impressed with my raw talent.”

I gave him a dead-pan looking that basically said ‘are you shitting me?’

He doubling over in laughter.

“Alright, you’ve had your little laugh, so wrap this up, princess!”

“and what if i don’t want to?” He asked, cockily.

In response, I started button mashing the keyboard, pleased to see that they now had direct control over him.

“he-hey!”

“Oh my god, I can make you dance!” I started making him do squats in quick session, spinning him around in circles, “Dance little skeleton, dance!”

The opponent came over by then, delivering a few blows that took a few inches off his health bar.

“y/n!!” He yelled at me, now thrusting his hip ineffectively at the opponent.

I pulled my hands away, “Then hurry up before I try my hand at winning this.”

“my tooth’s loose!”

“Oh, you’ll be fine.”

~*~

No surprise, Sans won the match (once I wasn’t involved). The next match was a shooter game, and while we debated on just who was the better shot, a quick aim and shot at his own foot by me quickly settled the matter. When that match was won, I came back to a wallpaper permanently locked onto a close up of Sans’s bone hand flipping me off.

Somehow a skeletal hand giving the bird felt appropriate for me.

Honestly, I was more concerned about what changes or alterations I didn’t catch and would discover at some point.

Ink-fucker had stopped texting by this point, choosing to sit next to me and watch us interact. He kept saying odd shit like ‘Readers’ and ‘plot devices’, but any dirty looks I threw his way failed to work, so whatever. He got heavily invested in Sans’s progress, watching between me and the screen like he was at a god damn tennis match as Sans and I did our usual back and forth.

When the next game loaded up, he certainly perked up.

“Ohh! An adventure-platformer-RPG! These are just about my favourite games!”

He started going off, “Now, I won’t spoil anything, but you’ll need an item from the boss in that other room to get throw this obstacle, but first, you’ll need to talk to the old-“

“done.”

I looked away from Ink-nerd’s rant and we both looked to see Sans standing behind the immovable object, a few feet from the dungeon's exit.

“But-but how?!” Ink-dork complained, “You were supposed to take ages trying to jump across the moving platforms! It’s notoriously hard!”

Sans shrugged, strolling towards the exit, “yeah well, why the fuck would i bother with all that shit when i can teleport?”

“You…cheated?”

“s’not really cheatin' when it’s in your ability.” Sans sassed, crossing the exit and finishing the round

But Ink-dweeb wasn’t listening, his eye socket’s vacant, “You cheated Red!”

Grabbing the paintbrush from his back, he gammed the head of it into my screen.

“Hey!”

He ignored me, and when the brush was pulled away, my screen was unchanged with Sans still bracing for impact.

“What did you do??” I asked, scooting a bit away from him.

He huffed, “Punished the cheater!”

Sans slowly uncurled, standing up properly to pat himself down. After he seemed okay and after checking his ability to transfer between electrical equipment, he looked uneasy at Ink.

“wh-what did you do?”

Ink-shit-got-serious-fast narrowed his eyes at him, “You’ll find out.”

“You wouldn’t change the rules would you?” I asked, realising that we were very much at the whims of this guy and his mood swings.

He sighed, “No, but I sure was tempted.” He waved a dismissive hand at the screen, “Go on, play the next level.”

Obviously a bit hesitant, Sans walked back over to the game icon and pressed it once more.

The next thing anyone knew, he was in overalls, holding a hoe as he stood in a barren field, a barn in the background.

“what the fuck?” he cursed, looking down at himself.

“Is this a farm simulation?” I asked, looking over to see Ink-tard laughing hard as he held his sides.

He nodded, struggling to reel himself back long enough to talk, “I- *hee* I combined the two, most dullest games I can think of; simulations of boring stuff that nobody likes doing in real life anyway and clicker games!”

“what the fuck am i suppose to do?!” Sans yelled, tossing the hoe to the ground.

Ink leaned forward, grinning smugly at the screen, “Grow enough food to last through the winter. You need to figure out what crops to grow, sell some to buy better equipment and constantly click on the sapling to make them grow faster!”

“that’s gonna take fuckin’ forever!”

“And even longer, if you have to start again because you starved to death half-way through the winter.”

While Sans’s glared hatefully at Ink, before looking around at his huge, empty farm in disgust, I turned to Ink. “Is that it?” I asked.

He grinned, “Well….I may have done one other thing.”

Right on cue, there came frantic poundings on my front door.

“HUMAN! HUMAN! OPEN UP!”

Papyrus’s extremely agitated voice shouting over him trying to beat my front door down really quicked my haste to open the door to him.

“Papyrus!? Wha-?!”

He looked far more frenetic than his voice betrayed, looking completely lost and….holding a skeleton baby with a gold tooth in a familiar black, fur-lined jacket.

He held the baby out to me, “IT’S SANS! SANS IS A BABY!!”

“Wha-?? How??”

Turning around, I looked back to see both Ink gone and my computer screen off, leaving me alone with a Papyrus so mentally ill-equipped to deal with parenthood.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER??”

I quickly turned around, holding my hands up, “Me?? What the hell do you think I did??”

“I DON’T KNOW HUMAN!?! ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE’S NEVER TURNED INTO A BABY BEFORE HE STARTED HANGING OUT WITH YOU, AND SUDDENLY, HE’S A BABY BONES!!”

“But- wha- How-how do you know this is Sans?? It could just be some random baby that crawled into your place! Maybe it’s a skeleton thing??”

“THIS IS NOT A ‘SKELETON’ THING!!”

“Well, it was just a suggestion!”

He pulled the baby back into his arms, looking lost as he stared down at the child, “I-I know this is Sans because he’s got the same scent and soul! I-I know my brother's smell and soul anywhere!”

“It can’t be Sans though! He’s-!”

My hand, completely independent of my control, suddenly fished out my phone that just went off at the same time.  Still not in control, my hand pulled up my phone to show me Sans (still in his overalls) back on at me on my phone, frantically pointing at a typed message above his head.

'don’t tell boss!'

Ink slide in next to him, flinging an arm around Sans’s hunched shoulders. A lightbulb appeared over his head, before he flew up to the message box, grinning at he painted a new message under the text with his finger.

'Oooh! If he finds out, I can just always turn him into a baby too!'

I was still staring blankly at the screen when Papyrus’s shrill voice called out, “WELL??”

“Well what??” I asked as I looked up, completely lost to what was even happening any more.

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?” He strolled into my apartment (again), making me back up, “YOU APPEAR TO KNOW SOMETHING!”

Looking between my phone’s screen that I was still holding up where I watched Sans frantically shaking his head and Ink eagerly nodding his and Papyrus walking towards me, I babbled, “I-I don’t know anything! I swear! I-I was just going to say that it can’t be Sans because monsters don’t just turn into babies, do they??”

My back hit the wall as Papyrus turned his attention from my nervous smile to the baby in his arms, “I-I’VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS HAPPENING BEFORE! I MEAN, I KNOW ODD THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO MY FAMILY, BUT NOTHING EVER THIS ODD!”

“I’m-I’m sure he’ll turn back.” I said, trying to reassure him.

He looked up at me, completely lost, “BUT WHAT IF HE DOESN’T?”

I didn’t have a god damn answer to that.

What if Sans was stuck as a baby and a shimeji forever? What if Ink was full of shit after all and this was the new reality? He appeared to be all powerful, all knowing, incredibly handsome and super smart and brave and quite dashing and WHY AM I THINKING THAT?? IS HE ALTERING MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUES??

….Maybe?

FUCKING HELL! JUST HOW POWERFUL ARE YOU??

Hee, I’ll just leave it with you then.

ARGH! Point is, this guy was calling all the shots and there was nothing I could do than go along and try to minimise the damage as best as I could, I guess. If Ink-ASSHOLE was telling the truth, this shit would be done before long, and if he was lying, I’d probably get Papyrus involved unless Sans had any other better ideas!

Then again, I really didn’t want to raise two skeleton children out of the blue like this, so maybe I should keep him out of this.

Taking a deep breath, I asked Papyrus, “What are you going to do?”

He searched my eyes before looking back at Baby Sans, “I-I DON’T KNOW! I-I’VE NEVER LOOKED AFTER BABBIES BEFORE!” He looked quickly up at me, “WHAT DO I DO??”

“Well,” I started, totally winging it because I didn’t have any fucking clue either, “Have you got him some diapers, food and something he can wear?”

“HE DIDN’T WANT TO LET GO OF THE JACKET!” Papyrus complained, scowling at Baby Sans, who appeared to be smirking up at him.

“Okay then, I guess he can keep wearing it?” I said, still no idea, “But he’s going to need food and I don’t know if baby skeletons….need diapers.”

“I-“

He pressed Baby Sans into my arms, keeping him there till I grabbed him awkwardly, supporting him in my arms.

“Wha-??“

“I NEED TO GO OUT AND BUY BABY SUPPLIES!” He finished patting himself down, checking for his keys and wallet, before looking up at me and pointing at my face, “YOU! YOU ARE TO KEEP HIM SAFE UNTIL I RETURN! UNDERSTAND?!”

“Wait, why me??”

But he was already walking back out, “YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE I TRUST TO DO THIS!”

“Wait! Why don’t I go and you stay here-aaannnnnd he’s gone.”

Now I was left with a baby skeleton in my arms, babbling baby talk as he chewed on his hand.

“Get that out of your mouth.” I said, pulling his hand away.

Only to get bitten myself.

“Ow! You little bastard!” I cursed, pulling my bitten finger from his sharp teeth.

“Dwaaaa! Look at the little Red Baby Bones! Oh, why did I skip the baby-growing up parts??”

Sighing deeply, I ignored Ink leaning over my shoulder to get all misty-eyed to lift my phone back up. “So, wanna fill me in here? Is this really you?”

Sans sighed, looking down at the baby from the screen, “yeah, it’s me. or, it’s my body at least.”

“What about the soul? Papyrus said something about your soul being in the kid, which doesn’t make sense to me, because, well, you’re in my phone…right?”

“Technically,” Ink said, now wearing specs that were taped to the side of his skull, “they’re sharing the same soul, only Shimeji Sans here has his memories, while this little guy here is exactly like how he was back as a baby.”

“Should have guessed you were a bastard.” I muttered, sucking my bitten figure while both Shimeji Sans and Baby Sans chuckled in unison, “Still surprised to find out you had a gold tooth this far back though.”

“Oh, he didn’t, it’s just his body that I ‘baby-fied’.” Ink said, doing the quotation thing and no longer wear his specs.

“paps has no business looking after babies.” Sans said with a heavy sigh, rubbing his skull, “if i’m like anythin’ he was, he’s going to either lose his temper and kill me by accident or abandon me on someone else’s doorstep.”

“You raised Papyrus?” I asked, surprised.

“yeah. i mean, he wasn’t this young where i was lookin’ after him by myself, but i yeah.”

“Oh.” I looked back at my front door, thinking, “I think you’re not giving your brother enough credit though, but if my options are standing back and watching Papyrus flounder or getting involved with all this baby crap, I guess I can lend a hand.”

“thanks y/n.” he said, smiling softly up at me.

I scoffed, securing Baby Sans more securely in my arms, “You can thank me by getting past that farming level and getting back into your body.”

My computer screen turned back on, showing that Sans had been busy, a field of sprouts around him as he squatted by one of them, lifelessly tapping away at the leaf.

“i’ve been workin’ on it nonstop. trust me tits, it does not take a lot of brain power to smack a plant around.”

“You can appear on multiple machines at once?” I asked, sitting down as I tossed my phone on the table, checking on Baby Sans.

“I helped cue him in on how.” Ink said smugly, coming to lean over the back of the couch to beam at the baby.

“Tell me you’re not wanting props for doing- Ow!!”

Baby Sans just grabbed a fist full of hair and was pulling on it like it was his new favourite toy.

“Awww! Adorableness!” Ink cooed.

“Get off me!” I growled, wrestling my hair out of the brat’s hands.

It was an epic struggle between my practice and my anger, but I managed to get my hair free without hurting the baby.

Only to be rewarded with him crying instead.

“How do I stop this?!” I cried out, feeling like I should be the one crying.

“soft words.” Sans suggested, “try bouncin’ me in your arms.”

“If I find out you’re actually in control of his actions and just playing dumb!” I vowed as I did what he suggested.

“do you want to trade?” Sans said bitterly, still smacking a plant.

“Only another 108,850,641 times to go Sans!” Ink said, smirking.

“you’ve got to be fucking kiddin’ me!”

Ignoring the two, I watched as Baby Sans stopped crying just as shimeji Sans started acting like a baby, rocking the kid in my arms once he settled enough.

I don’t know how long I sat there, rocking him in my arms, but when I looked up, it was to see Sans now on my television, staring at me.

“What?”

He shook his head and looked quickly away, “it-it’s nothing.”

“Oh really Sans?” Ink grinned, moving to lean back in the armrest.

“fuck off, you-“

“Edge’s coming back.” Ink interrupted.

Sure enough, there was knocking on my door.

When I got up, carrying a now quite baby, I opened the door to Papyrus carrying bags upon bags on his arms.

“I BROUGHT EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF!”

“It certainly looks like it.” I said, stepping back as he came in, dumping all of this stuff on my kitchen table. I pointed to what looked like a dog muzzle, “Is that what I think it is?”

“HE BITES!” Papyrus complained with a huff, “AND YELLING AT HIM DIDN’T WORK, SO I WILL SETTLE FOR THIS!”

“Not like you, eh Paps?” Ink beamed, hugging Papyrus’s side, “Man, do I want to turn you into a baby right now! You and Sans, playing blocks with each other on Y/n’s floor, while she watches you! Sigh, so cute.”

I gapped at Ink just resting on Papyrus like that, looking quickly up at Papyrus to get his reaction.

“DON’T ACT SO SURPRISE! I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT A BABY MUZZLE IF THE STORE CLERK SAID THAT THEY MADE THEM!”

“You don’t-?” I stopped to see Ink grinning at me, waggling his eyebrows questioningly. Guessing that this was more of his bullshit powers he pulled right of his arse (he gave a barking laugh at this point), I continued, “You don’t need to collar him. He’s all settled now. See?”

I offered Baby Sans to Papyrus, who took him tentatively from me.

“HE-HE’S A LOT MORE SETTLED SINCE I LAST SAW HIM.” He said, awed.

“Yeah, well, biting me sure took a lot out of him.” I pointed to a few things I could see in the bags, “Why don’t we get him changed and then stick that pacifier in his mouth so he can chewy something else?”

He nodded, holding Baby Sans to his shoulder one-handed while the other pulled out a baby red-onesie and a dipper, “I’LL DO THAT.”

“Need any help?” I offered on impulse, before I could really think about what the fuck I just said.

He shook his head, moving towards the front door again, “No, I SHOULD BE FINE.”

“You don’t have to go back home.” I pointed to my bedroom door, “You can change him in there.”

Stopping by the front door, Papyrus took a moment to look at me, before nodding. “Thank you…Y/n.”

I smiled, “You’re welcome.”

When my door closed, I walked back to my computer, grinning.

“what are you smilin’ about?” Sans said, taken aback.

“Oh, just a question I have for you.”

“….which is?”

I grinned, “How did the doctors know you’re a boy, Mr No Dick?”

He absolute dumbfounded look as the question caught him complete surprise was priceless!

~*~

Apparently, Mr Skelton Man had a penis, and didn’t like my jokes about it being so small that it was invisible to my human eyes. He vowed/ threatened me that the first thing he was going to do when he was restored was show it to me himself, but that didn’t stop me from calling him micropenis for as long as it took Papyrus to wrestle Baby Sans into his new clothes.

From what Papyrus said, Baby Sans had fought him every step to be removed from the jacket he was cocooned in, and had kicked and screamed when getting placed into the red onesies. Only by wrapping him back the jacket had he settled again, glaring at the world through the jacket’s fur lining.

“SANS WAS ALWAYS STURBON, BUT WHO KNEW HE COULD BE THIS ENERGETIC IN HIS DEFIANCE!”

I came back over with a bottle of milk, ignoring Ink who was watching us like we were his favourite god damn show, occasionally going back to his phone to continue texting.

“Sure wish he’d get to the part where he starts taking lots of naps.” I agreed, handing over the bottle.

Papyrus laughed as he fed the bottle to Baby Sans, wrestling with him for a moment to take the bottle’s nipple, before puncturing it viciously with his sharp teeth as he suckled, “I CAN’T BELIEVE I FIND MYSELF AGREEING WITH YOU!”

He looked over at me, “HUMAN, I KNOW THAT THIS IS ALL STRANGE-“

“Fucking understatement.” I laughed bitterly.

“DON’T INTERRUPT!” He snapped.

“Sorry.”

“AS I WAS SAYING, I KNOW THAT ALL OF THIS IS STRANGE, BUT WHY DOES YOUR LIVING ROOM HAVE A HORRIBLE STAIN IN IT?”

I looked over to the pool of ink, surprised to see that it had actually rescinded quite a bit.

“Oh that, um, I spilled something.”

“WHY HAVEN’T YOU CLEANED IT UP?” He asked, narrowing his eyes at me as Baby Sans wrestled to get the nipple out of his mouth.

“Um….because I need to replace the entire carpet and it would be a waste of time to clean?”

He continued to glare at me, before looking over at the stain.

“WHILE THAT ANSWER SHOWS HOW INCREDIBLY LAZY YOU ARE, I CAN SEE ITS LOGIC.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“This day cannot end soon enough.” I said, throwing the dirtiest of dirty looks towards the megalomaniac in the corner.

Right on cue, Baby Sans spat out the nipple, pushing it away from his face as he began to wail.

“YOU JUST HAD IT IN YOUR MOUTH, YOU UNGRATEFUL BROTHER!” Papyrus growled at the wailing child’s face.

“Maybe he doesn’t like the taste of it? Maybe something else?”

“NONSENSE! MILK IS GOOD FOR HUMAN BONES, SO IT SHOULD BE GOOD FOR BABY BONES! THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF IS SEA TEA!”

“I don’t think he’d like that.” I said, shuddering as I remembered the gallons I was forced to drink.

Papyrus seemed to be thinking about it over the wailing sound when an idea struck him, “AH! GO GET SOME OF YOUR MUSTARD!”

“You sure?” I said, getting up to fetch it.

“I AM SURE OF NOTHING, BUT I REFUSE TO NOT FEED HIM!”

Shrugging, I came back with the bottle of mustard and watched as Papyrus covered the nipple in the stuff, spreading it evenly.

When he presented the bottle to Sans this time, his little red glowing eyes seemed to light up more and he immediately snatched the bottle with both hands, eagerly suckling with gusto.

“Hey! There you go little guy!” I grinned up at Papyrus, “Great idea Paps!”

He blushed, keeping his eyes on his brother’s face, “O-OF COURSE IT WAS A GREAT IDEA! ALL MY IDEAS ARE GREAT ONES!”

“You know, I think it’s sweet that you’re giving him his favourite treat.” I said as I moved to sit back on the couch, scooting in for a closer look.

Papyrus looked over at me, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

I shrugged, “I mean, if you’re raising him, if this is him but redone, I think it’s nice that you’re encouraging his old habits.”

“…HIM BUT REDONE?”

“Yeah, like keeping the mustard thing, and encouraging naps, and-“

The bottle was immediately torn away from the baby’s mouth. Lifting Baby Sans into the air, Papyrus lectured as Sans cried at him, “NO MORE MUSTARD FOR YOU! AND NO MORE FULL-CREAM MILK EITHER! AS SOON AS YOU CAN WALK, YOU’RE GOING FOR A JOG MISTER! AND WE’RE GOING TO BE WORKING ON YOUR SLEEP SCHEDULE TOO!”

“Papyrus!” I scolded, taking Sans from him and grabbing the bottle at the same time, “You can’t yell at a baby!”

“WHY NOT?! YOU’RE YELLING AT ME!”

“You’re not a baby!”

Papyrus sat back in a huff, “I DON’T THINK I CARE MUCH FOR THESE DOUBLE STANDARDS!”

“He doesn’t know any better-“

“LOOK AT THAT GRIN OF HIS! HE KNOWS!”

It was true that Sans always had a grin about, and this baby version of him was no different, and even I was more than a little suspicious that this guy knew exactly what he was doing, but…

“That’s just his face-“

Papyrus turned to face me, “I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT HE NORMALLY LOOKS LIKE AND THAT SMUG, SCHEMING GRIN HE HAS RIGHT BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING HE KNEW WILL PURPOSELY INFURIATE ME!”

He shoved his finger right in the baby’s face, “THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE IS- AHHH!”

Sans latched out and bit Papyrus, but really, he had no one to blame but himself.

“Why would you do that??” I asked, pulling Sans away as his teeth left rake marks on Papyrus's finger. I could feel him chuckling in my arms, confirming that, on some level, the little fucker knew what he was doing.

“I am just loving Baby Sans!” Ink cheered, taking pictures on his phone, “Oh, I sure hope I get to keep these!”

“WHY IS HE BITING EVERYTHING!?!” Papyrus cried out, standing up suddenly, “BABY BONES SHOULD NOT BE BITTING THIS MUCH!”

“I would suggest teething, but judging by all the teeth, I’m going to go ahead and say we’re past all of that.” Seeing Papyrus still fuming, I suggested, “How about we calm down and watch a movie? We can order something in?”

His eyes lit up, “Or, I CAN SHOW YOU JUST HOW WRONG YOU ARE ABOUT MY COOKING SKILLS AND COOK dinner!”

“Oh hell no!” I quickly stood up, “Look, I really don’t need to go to the hospital tonight, so let’s just skip that, shall we?”

“IT’LL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME-“

“Papyrus, the answer is no! If you want to cook, can we not do it on the day that all this weird shit happened??”

He looked between me and Sans in my arms, before folding his arms, looking away.

“FINE! BUT I WILL BE COOKING FOR YOU AGAIN IN THE FUTURE, UNDERSTAND? I CANNOT ABIDE YOU HAVING THE WRONG IMPRESSION ABOUT MY COOKING SKILLS!”

Rolling my eyes, I sat back down, reaching for a control, “Fine, but not until Sans is at least back to normal and I’ve done some serious drinking to repress all of these and last time’s memories!”

“WHAT IF SANS DOESN’T RETURN TO NORMAL?”

His question stopped me. “What?”

“YOU HEARD ME.”

I looked to Baby Sans in my arms, now chewing on the empty bottle for a few seconds before snuggling it, to Ink, who had the nerve to shrug and say “I guess you’d probably end up bounding with Papyrus and rasing Sans between you two. Huh, guess the tags for this story would have to change. ‘Tits and Skeletor’?”

“I guess,” I said very loudly, deliberately turning my back to the smug asshole, “We’ll have to see what happens.”

~*~

Papyrus had gone out to pick up a pizza from the same joint I had used when he first came over.

Man, do you remember when shit was simple? When all I had to worry was getting murder by grumpy skeletons?

Shimeji Sans was in a worse mood than me, stuck as he was unable to talk when Papyrus was in the room. I mean, it can’t be fun to have nothing to do than spam hit a plant, knowing that if you fucked up, you’d have to do it again.

Or at least, that's the reason I assumed he wasn’t talking to me as we waited to see if he had managed to grow enough food to survive winter.

Instead, I was still holding Baby Sans in my arms, wondering where I should put him as I looked around my apartment.

“You could just sleep with him in your arms?” Ink suggested, putting away his phone for the umpteenth time.

“You watch too many bad romance movies,” I replied, pulling a near-empty draw and considering it.

All the rubbish vanished from inside it and instead, a large, soft pillow came into existence inside it.

Looking up, Ink shrugged at my question glance, “I prefer letting the characters figure things out for themselves, but I’m not above helping out and speeding along the boring, establishing stuff.”

I laughed bitterly, “Says that guy literally toying with everyone he’s met so far.”

“Hey! There’s a big difference between making a few tweaks and watching the results and changing things so drastically that you alter personalities. I mean, what’s the point after that? You might as well create a new story with new charters, right Creator?”

I had quickly learned to tune crazy shit like this when he started talking, so instead, I asked Sans, “How much longer do you think you’ve got Sans?”

Sans looked over to the pile of his digital food stock and watched the pile shrink with every second, before looking at the countdown timer in the far corner, letting him know how many ‘day’s he had till spring, “should just be about done.”

“I know you said that you’re confident that the maths works out, but I’m still worried.”

He shrugged, settling back against the barn’s wall.

“…are you mad at me?” I asked, quietly.

He looked surprised, “no? whatever gave you that impression?”

“Because from here, you look like you’re sulking.”

“Oh, he’s definitely sulking.” Ink piped up.

“i’m not sulking.” Sans snapped at him, before sighing and looking back at me, “I guess…seein’ you getting’ along with the boss and a kid in your arms….”

I laughed, “What, do we look like a couple or something? Oh god, could you imagine!”

“yeah.” He said, looking serious, “yeah i can, actually.”

“Oh.”

I sat back down, absentmindedly rocking Baby Sans in my arms.

After a moment, he spoke up again, “i guess, i-i’m thinkin’ about what happens if this is all permanent and i’m stuck like this.”

I shrugged, “Then I guess we tell Papyrus, so he at least knows, and we begin looking into what we can do to fix it ourselves.”

“and what if it can’t be reversed?”

I looked down at Baby Sans chewing on a baby toy I had got from the huge collection Papyrus had brought,”….Then I’ll help raise Baby Sans with Papyrus, and you can decide if this baby gets his own name and becomes his own person or not. Whatever you want to do, I’ll try and support it as best as I can, really.”

“….you’d do that for me?”

I shrugged, “I guess so.”

The final seconds on his counter clicked down, announce his success and a new high score.

“Congratulations!” Ink cheered.

“shut the fuck up.” Sans snarled as the game disappeared along with his overalls, “let’s just get the next game started.”

“Next one’s fun!” Ink grinned, sitting up straighter.

“everythin’ is better than that boring shit!” Sans said, already moving towards the icon.

The moment the game loaded up, I could tell right away what type of game it was.

“Oh god fucking damn it, you’re pure evil!” I gasped, staring in disbelief at Ink’s beaming face.

“But they’re so much fun!” he defended, “They’re one of my guilty pleasures!”

“can someone tell me what the fuck this game is and why there’s so much pink!” Sans snapped.

“You’re in a dating game!” I explained, “You win by playing dress-up, wooing and successfully dating one of the characters.”

“what kind of fuckin’ stupid game is that?!”

I never got a chance at answer his question because there was a knock at my door with who I could only assume was Papyrus.

Turns out I’m physic or some shit because I was right; Papyrus came into my apartment carrying a large pizza and a bottle of wine.

“What’s with the wine?” I asked, taking the bottle off him so he'd have an easier time carrying the pizza.

Instead of answering, the bottle was surrounded in a red glow and taken from my hands, floating after him as he moved to place the pizza on the table, “YOU SHOULDN’T BE CARRYING BOTTLES WHILE HOLDING A BABY!”

“I’ve got him, I’ve got him.” I tried reassuring, following him.

Papyrus scoffed, sorting out dinner, “THE WINE IS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE HAD LAST TIME. I THOUGHT IT APPROPRIATE.”

“Oh, well, I guess it is. Don’t know if I should be drinking tonight though?”

He laughed, “HUMAN, UNLESS YOU’RE AN INCREDIBLY LIGHTWEIGHT, YOU WON’T BECOME WASTED WITH JUST HALF A BOTTLE, IF YOU EVEN DRINK THAT MUCH! BESIDES, YOU ALREADY TOLD ME THAT THIS WAS YOUR FAVOURITE, SO THERE’S NO NEED TO RESTRAIN YOURSELF, CORRECT?”

It wasn’t that I didn’t like the odd glass of wine, but the reason why I had brought this particular bottle of wine last time was for him. Honestly, I’d much prefer a cold can of something, but seeing that he had gone out his way to buy a bottle to share certainly showed me the progress he had made since that night. Least I could do was be thankful for the gesture.

He finished pouring out two glasses and serving two plates, carrying all of this to the living room. As he took a look around the room, he brought his attention to glare at the coffee table.

“THE NEXT THING WE ARE DOING IS GOING FURNITURE SHOPPING.” He vowed.

I sighed as I placed Baby Sans into the makeshift bed, “Can we still just focus on the next twenty-four hours?”

“YOU’RE VERY INSISTENT ABOUT THAT TIME, AREN’T YOU?” He narrowed his eyes at me as I looked to the armchair and glared as Ink waved back to me from it, forcing me to take the seat on the couch, next to Papyrus. “IS THERE SOMETHING YOU’RE NOT TELLING ME?”

I tried avoiding his eye by playing around with the television, looking for a good movie, “Let’s just say, I’m really hoping that this is all just a crazy dream or a magic spell and Sans will go back to normal after the strike of midnight.”

Papyrus laughed, “YOU HUMANS ARE SADLY MISINFORMED ABOUT THE PROPER WAY MAGIC WORKS! 'SPELLS' INDEED!”

“I’d sure be up for some magic demonstrations if you’re ever up for it, but again, let’s not worry about anything else for another day or so.”

Papyrus seemed to be thinking about what I said, actually considering it.

Until what movie I picked started playing, and we both stilled.

“HUMAN, WHY DID YOU PICK WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A ROMANTICAL-COMEDY??”

“But I didn’t!” I said, blushing as I searched for the controller I could no longer see, “I swear, I picked an action film!”

“THIS IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT AN ACTION FILM! NOT UNLESS THE HUMANS ARE PLANNING TO KILL EACH OTHER WITH THEIR LIPS AND CLICHÉS!”

Ink grinned over on the armchair, “Yeah, sorry, but we’re watching the film that I (and when I say me, I really mean the Readers) want.”

“You Bastard!” I yelled at him, impulsively.

“I’M SORRY YOU DON’T LIKE MY OPINION ABOUT YOU TERRIBLE CHOICE IN MOVIES HUMAN, BUT THAT’S JUST HOW I FEEL!” Papyrus said, glaring at me.

I turned about around, “What are you- oh! Right. No, I was…thinking of something else.”

“WERE YOU, PERCHANCE, THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU MANAGED TO LOSE THE REMOTE CONTROL IN THE HALF A SECOND YOU WEREN'T LOOKING AT IT? WHAT, DID YOU FLING IT INTO A BLOCK HOLE UNDER YOUR COUCH?”

“Okay, Mr Sass, I guess you’re okay with this movie after all.”

I sat down, grabbing my plate as the movie started. Normally, I wouldn't have allowed this to happen, but something told me Ink-face wasn’t going to allow me the chance to switch movies, so fuck it!

The movie’s premise was predictable; boy meets girl, girl’s shy and a bit oblivious, boy’s handsome, sweet and other generic things. Lots of ‘ha, ha’ moments as the two got closer during those moments.

“Does this remind you of anything, Creator?” Ink said with a knowing grin on his face.

My phone altered me that I had a new message, so instead of telling Ink to choke on a straight jacket, I read my message.

Sans was back on my phone, only now he dressed in a generic school girl’s clothes, blushing to high hell in the hall of some school.

‘i keep gettin’ rejected!’ His textbox message read, his font text being comic sans. ‘and i keep havin’ to reset the game!’

Ink appeared over my shoulder just then, leaning over me as I tried desperately not to laugh to say, “Well, of course. That’s because you’re a ‘bad-boy’ personality type, but you’re coming across too aggressive in this game. Games like these, as the protagonist, you have to be far more submissive than that. The only way aggressive personalities work in romance stories is if the character has a traumatic past or a vulnerable side.”

‘what the fuck is he babbling about??’ Sans textbook asked me.

‘Be a bottom bitch in your responses.’ I tried texting back, trying to be subtle about it.

Apparently not subtle enough, because Papyrus folded his arms in a huff, “IF YOU’RE GOING TO CHOOSE A BAD MOVIE, AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENTLY TO WATCH IT!”

“Also, fun fact, I’ve disabled your ability to text on your phone.” Ink grinned. “You’re going to have to say your answer out loud if you want to help Sans.”

“Oh come on!” I cried out.

“It’s only fair!” said Ink and Papyrus at the same time, both completely different reasons and with different expressions.

Tossing my phone back into my pocket, I continued to watch the movie.

Before long, I got another message from Sans.

‘I can’t figure this shit out! I’m trapped in fuckin’ hell!’

“Tell me what the options are.” I said quietly, loud enough for my phone to pick up but hopefully not so loud that Papyrus would notice.

I was wrong.

“WHAT OPTIONS? I NEVER GAVE YOU ANY OPTIONS?”

“Er, um….options… on… what movie you’d like to watch if you could?”

He looked taken aback, “MY FAVOURITE MOVIES?? ARE YOU ASKING FOR WHAT MOVIES I LIKE??”

“Um…yes?”

He continued to stare at me, before beaming. “WELL, I LOVE THE ENTIRE WORKS OF METATTON, THE GREATEST ACTOR THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN! AFTER THAT, I ENJOY ONLY THE FINEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME, OF COURSE. ONES THAT WIN ALL THOSE GOLDEN NAKED HUMAN STATUES ALL THE TIME.”

My phone vibrated again and I pulled it out to look down at it.

‘Can I walk you home? or I think you’re pretty.’

When I tried saying ‘B’, or ‘the second one’ or any version of that, the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. Knowing exactly who could suck it, I glared at the smug bastard, who just waggled his finger at me.

“Oh, no, no, no. No getting out of this. If you want to help the clueless skeleton, you’re going to have to say it out loud.”

Vowing to find out what removed ink stains and buying a gallon of the stuff so I could toss it into Ink’s eyes, I said, even more quietly, “I think you’re pretty.”

Edge turned slowly to look at my red face.

“….YOU-YOU DO??”

With no other options beyond bolting, I was forced to nod.

“WH-WHILE I APPRECIATE YOUR ADMIRATION HUMAN, YOU WILL CALL MY FLAWLESS BEAUTY ‘THE PEAK OF HANDSOMENESS!’ UNDERSTAND?”

I nodded again, wishing I could just die. Feeling way too fucking healthy, I settled for down my wine, wishing it was something stronger.

The movie continued, and it seemed to me that Sans had finally managed to get past the part that was giving him trouble.

I was wrong.

My phone buzzed again.

‘You’re really important to me, I enjoying your company, or you light up my life?’

“What kind of choices are those??” I hissed, glaring at the screen.

Sans only shrugged, glowering as he tugged his dress lower.

“OKAY! NO MORE PHONE!”

Papyrus leaned over and took my phone, tossing it to the coffee table before sitting back in a huff.

“I REFUSE TO BE LEFT WITH THIS HORRIBLE MOVIE WHILE YOU ‘TWEET’ YOUR BRID FRIENDS!”

Struggling not to make any sounds close to laughter, I sat back, thinking about which response would be better for Sans and how to say it without Papyrus getting the wrong idea again.

I looked over at Papyrus, smiling, “You’re really important to me, and I’m sorry if I made you feel less important with all my texting. HOPEFULLY, it’s the last time it happens.”

Ink chuckled in his armchair, before singing, “~It’ won’t be.~”

Ignoring him, I watched as Papyrus looked over at me, a slight blush on his cheeks.

“I-I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTLY HUMAN……PERHAPS I WAS A LITTLE HARD ON YOU.” He turned to face me fully, both of us ignoring the romantic climax scene of the screen, “I-I KNOW THAT I’M NOT THE EASIEST MONSTER TO GET ALONG WITH, BUT-BUT I DO appreciate AND VALUE THE EFFORT YOU PUT IN TO TRY, ESPECIALLY WITH MY BROTHER. YOU-YOU’RE BECOMING SOMEONE IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE AS WELL.”

I blushed and looked quickly away, feeling suddenly warm and very pleased with myself.

“Th-thank you.”

He beamed and reached over to hand me back my phone, “Now, IF IT’S SO IMPORTANT, I WILL ALLOW YOU TO CHIRP WITH YOUR BIRD FRIENDS DURING THE REST OF OUR MOVIE.”

I looked up in time to see my phone’s screen flash into life as Papyrus looked down at it to see his brother (still in a dress), kissing an anime boy.

There was a moment of stunned silence as even the movie paused.

“WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?!?!”

~*~

Papyrus went home pretty quickly after that, taking Baby Sans and all of the baby supplies with him. He had yelled at me, bright-red faced, about the perverse nature of the things I apparently liked, saying that “WAS NO PLACE FOR A GROWING SANS!”

No amount of trying to explain shit over Ink’s continued laughter had been enough to slow him down from walking out of my apartment.

Sans was sulking on my computer desktop, refusing to turn around and so bright-faced that he was creating a glowing spot on my wallpaper.

“Oh, shut the fuck up Ink!” I yelled, dumping myself back into my computer chair and away from him.

Ink continued to laugh, breaking on near hysteria.

“Did-did you see his face?? Readers! Picture it! Please!!”

“This had all better be tempory.” I growled, staring at Sans’s back, “Otherwise, I think I’ll take my chances and see if murdering him doesn’t work.”

“not before i’ve beaten him into a pulp.” Sans snarled, still not turning around.

“Oh, lighten up you two.” Ink grinned, coming over with a skip in his step, “At least he managed to get past that level. Only one more to go!”

Sans flipped him off over his shoulder, then went back to staring darkly into a corner.

“Do you swear that this is legit?” I spun around to see him grinning at me, “I don’t want to hear some bullshit about how this was just game one of seven.”

Ink snorted, shaking his head, “No, no, no. I wouldn’t do that to you.” He placed a hand to his chin, thoughtful, “But then again-“

I tried punching him, but all I managed to do was hurt my wrist.

“Fuck!” I cursed, nursing my wrist.

Ink placed his hands on his hips, not looking at all impressed, “Now, why would you do something like that for?”

“I don’t know! Shits and giggles!”

He ignored me, pulling out one of his smaller brushes he had on this sash he wore around his body that was lined with other art supplies. Still ignoring me, my hand was dragged into his hand (against my will) and he tapped the brush on my wrist, healing me instantly.

“There.” He said, letting me go, “Now, don’t go punching the all-powerful skeleton again, understand?”

“You really can do anything you want, can’t you?” I folded my arms, “Then why don’t you do something more fun like give me superpowers and the ability to fly? What the hell are you doing wasting your time making us play video games?!”

He shrugged, “I’ve already doing something like that in other stories. Besides,” he grinned, “you two work best when you don’t overpower each other much.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean??”

“ignore him y/n.” Sans said, standing up and walking over to the game icon, “let’s just get this over with already.”

“That’s the spirit!” Ink cheered, beaming when Sans and I both flashed him matching looks of loathing.

When the game loaded up, Sans and I both could tell right away what it was, looking to each other with a matching pair of dread expressions.

“Oh fuck me.” We both said, looking around at a typical setting for a horror game. Specifically, a mental hospital. Sans appeared to be in a padded cell, the lights flickering all around him as screams, laughter and growls rang out from his bared door, the door itself a crack open.

Ink giggled, before clearing his voice, “Ahem, now, just as a reminder, you can’t actually ‘die’ in these games, but you can get hurt. Oh!” He snapped his fingers and Sans shuddered, falling to the floor, “You can’t use your power’s either, so no cheating for you mister!”

“what the fuck?!” Sans cursed, picking himself up, “what did you do to me?!”

“What did he do?" I asked, concerned.

Sans glared at me, before aiming that glare at Ink, “asshole took away all my abilities! i’ve got nothin’!”

“That’s not true! You’ve’ got your arms, your legs,” he gestured to me, “you’ve got Y/n!”

“What do we have to do?” I asked, guessing the answer already.

Ink’s grin turned evil, “Escape.”

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the screen. “Right. So, what’s the plan Sans? How can I help?”

Sans looked uneasy at the cell door, where all the horrible sounds were coming from, “…you-you can see around me, right? you’re not seeing all of this from my perspective?”

“It’s called third-person, but yeah. Why?”

He moved slowly to the door, easing it open, “i’m gonna need you to keep an eye out fer me.”

“Remember, you’re only choices are run, hide, or die.” Ink said cheerfully.

Sans and I both flipped him off and then returned our attention to the game.

Outside, the hall was covered in blood and everything was either half destroyed or completely destroyed as the lights continued to flicker all over the place. A lone human was sitting on the floor further down the hall, sobbing and muttering to himself.

I smelled a jumpscare.

“Watch out for the guy.”

“i can fuckin’ see him!” Sans growled, sounding unnerved.

“No, I mean, watch out for the jump scare that he is. He won’t hurt you, but he will grab you.”

Even forewarned, Sans screamed when he was grabbed, before he punched the guy in the face and quickly strolled away.

“That wasn’t very nice.” I lectured, spinning the camera around to see the guy go back into the ball he had been in.

“shut up!” Sans snarled, spinning his head around in all the directions.

“Are you scared Sans?” I teased, not realising he sucked with horror games.

Sans ducked into an office, where the previous tenant's body was still occupying the chair, “y/n, i’ve got no powers, i’m seein’ and experiencin’ all of this shit on a level that you never have, and this place is filled with crazy humans! i’m fuckin’ tense right now!”

“Okay, okay, geez, I’m sorry.”

I mean, he had a point, so maybe it was a little unfair for me to be making fun of him.

But to be fair to me, it was suddenly dark in my apartment and Ink had fucked off to somewhere, leaving me alone with just this game and my imagination filling in the blanks about what was causing the odd squeaks and creaks the apartment was making.

And I made stupid jokes when I got nervous!

Distracted, I saw a body raise from the other side of the dead body, blood dripping from its face.

Before I could even scream, the blood man screamed a high pitch shriek that sounded like it tore his vocal cords apart, before lunging towards Sans. Sans took a step back, stumbling into the wall as his hands pressed against it, looking surprised and scared.

“RUN!” I screamed at the idiot, very much on the edge of my chair.

My scream appeared to have shaken him out of whatever he was doing, but not before the blood man wrapped his arms around Sans’s chest and sunk his teeth into his neck.

“ahhh!” Sans screamed, punching the man repeatedly before he managed to get free.

Clinging to his neck, Sans ran from the room, the now even bloodier man running after him, screaming like a man on fire.

“Go left!” I screamed, seeing the signs for a bathroom.

Sans did as I said, ducking into the toilets and barricading in with his body as he struggled to lock it as something tried barging in.

Meanwhile, I was frantically looking around the room with the limited camera.

“The vent! Climb up and escape through the vent!!”

He quickly ran over to the stall that was closest to the vent, struggling stand long enough on the broken porcelain to cling to the stall’s upper walls, shuffling towards the vent high above. Once he was under it, he tried to push it either up or out of the way, but the grate blocking the way wasn’t moving. Back at the door, the lock was breaking as cracks appeared in the door’s wooden frames and the screaming became louder and clearer.

At this point, Sans began beating the grate aside, desperation making him alternate between pulling and bashing, much to the destruction of his hand. At last, the grate gave enough that he was able to pull it aside, struggling to pull himself up. He was inside out it fully when the door came crashing down and the man’s wailing shrieks rang around the bathroom, echoing throughout the vent and beyond.

As Sans breathed, they both heard what sounded like other voices coming into the unseen bathroom, before the clear sounds of madmen fighting and maiming each other in a crowded bathroom below started. Neither of them had the mental capabilities to do anything more than listen in, hearing the sounds below reaching a pitch of fever, before dying out as the insane either ran away or made gurgling sounds with their dying breaths.

Only when the last laugh died down did Sans let loose a long breath.

“fucking hell.” He hissed quietly, looking at his manged hand as the other clung to his neck.

“You-you okay?” I asked, now more scared myself.

“i’m fine.” Sans breathed, letting go of his neck to drag himself toward.

I watched as dust fell away from both his neck and maimed hand.

“You’re hurt.”

He laughed bitterly, “tell me somthin’ I don’t fuckin’ know.”

“Sans-“

“if you want to help, make sure the way’s clear.” His expression grew dark, “i-i don’t want to find out what dyin’ feels like and have to do all this shit again.”

“….Right. Will do.”

I left Sans to make his way slowly forward as I used a little camera cheat to look around. I guided him towards what looked like a clear exit, telling him what I saw.

“It looks like this place is locked down. Normally, that means you have to unlock it by going to the generator or something.”

“let me guess, it’s never that simple.”

I smiled, glad to hear some of his sarcastic humour coming back, “No. The area in front looks empty, but that either means more jump scares or another enemy like Blood Man.”

“oh joy.” Sans groaned, reaching the end of the vent and dropping to the ground below.

I watched him pick himself up, inspecting both his hand and his neck.

“….Sans?”

“hmm?”

“What- what does all the dust mean?”

He looked down to his maimed hand, before brushing off a cloud of dust from his neck.

“…it means i’m hurt y/n. dust means a monster’s hurt.”

“Even in a game?”

“apparently so.”

“Okay.” I looked around the dark, empty apartment and feeling so much worse now that I had that little bit of information in my head, “I don’t know where Ink’s gone, but he’s probably trying to jump scare me or bother Papyrus.”

“i’d doubt he’s botherin’ boss.” Sans said as he made his way towards the locked exit, “he went to the trouble to keep himself hidden from him before, why would he bother him now?”

“Dunno. Thought you should know.”

“don’t worry tits; when i get out, i’ve got some choice bones i plan to break for him.”

Not surprising, the front door was locked. Using the place’s abandoned and bloodied receptionist desk, he quickly located the locked security room.

“There’ll be a key on a dead security officer somewhere.”

Sans scoffed, “or, i can just use something heavy to break open the windows or pry the lock off.”

“doing that is going to attract attention.” I warned.

He shrugged, looking around for a tool, “and i bet the key will have its only little ‘fun’ surprise. i’ll take my chances and do this on my terms.”

“Your funeral,” I said, shrugging.

He gave me a deep-pan look, before walking back to the security room with the metal stand of an office lamp in hand.

“keep an eye out, ya?” He said, pausing in mid-bashing motion.

“Sure, I’ll watch as you ring the dinner bell for another psycho to come running by.” I laughed tightly, nervous as all hell.

Rolling his eyes, Sans struck the wood surrounding the handle, chipping away the wood piece by piece. I watched for any movement, any hints or sounds of fucking anything, but all was quiet. Each strike rang out into the far too still environment, and with every second that passed where nothing happened, Sans and I got tenser. When Sans had managed to create a hole in the wood next to the lock, he simply pushed the lock towards it, easing the whole lock out of the frame.

Neither of us said anything as Sans made his way into the office, pushing the now weakened door back into place. The room was a box, with nowhere to hide but under the desk, and only then, if whoever came looking didn’t think to look in the one obvious spot.

Sans moved over to the control panel, quickly locating the power switch for the front doors.

I meanwhile, heard what sounded like manic laughter, accompanied by the slap of bare feet running. Quickly, I moved the camera to look outside, and saw Blood Man running right for Sans.

“Sans!” I warned, feeling my heart rate skyrocket, “Hide!!”

Sans dove under the desk just at the door was kicked in. Blood Man came stepping in, blood weeping constantly from his wide grin. His red eyes seemed to glow in the flickering darkness as he came shuffling deeper into the room, twirling what looked to be a kitchen knife.

Sniffing the air, his giggles turned into laughter as blood dripped down the sides of his mouth.

“~I know you’re here”~” He sang, “I can still taste you!”

Sans had pressed himself under the desk as far as he could, his own red eyes glowing in the dark quivering in their sockets as Blood man came up to the control panel.

Laughing, the madman began stabbing the control panel as the electrical equipment crackled and sparked in distress. Sans, unable to do anything, watched helplessly.

When his energy was spent, the Blood Man tore his knife from the machine, watching it spark and smoke as the power bleed from it. Then, without warning, he plunged the knife into his own thigh, pulling it out in an arc of blood that splattered the ground right in front of Sans. Again and again, the Blood Man stabbed his own flesh, his laughter growing stronger and more manic with every plunge of the knife. When his energy was spent once again, he simply left the knife in his thigh and walked out of the room, leaving behind a bloody trail that showed where he went.

Only when had five minutes passed and when Y/n had thoroughly checked as far as she could with the limited camera, did she and Sans feel safe to come out.

“who the fuck thinks of shit like this?!” Sans cursed quietly, moving well away from the pool of blood that his feet had been sitting in as he waited for the Blood Man to leave.

“Sick people.” I agreed, feeling like I never wanted to play another horror game ever again.

Sans looked back to the control panel, broken beyond all repair.

“what happens now?” He asked, pushing a few buttons in vain.

I was about to respond, but I felt something touching my neck softly, a bit like hair. Looking over, with nothing but the computer monitor lighting it the area around me, I saw a large tarantula crawling up from my shoulder, on my neck and heading towards my face.

I screamed, falling backwards off my chair as I swatted at my neck, feeling its many legs upon my neck. I was still beating my neck when I became aware of someone laughing at my expense, holding his sides as rainbow tears streamed from his eyes, rolling on the floor.

“INK!!” I screamed, scrabbling to get away from him and the spot I had been laying on.

Ink was inconsolable, as he laughed his arse off, when Sans appeared in physical form in the middle on my apartment, wearing nothing but his black, fur-lined jacket and a few scraps of red baby onesie cloth that clung to his arms and legs. Before I could notice much more else, an eye blazed red and he ran to Ink, lifting him up by the scruff of his shirt.

“what the fuck did you do to her?!” Sans roared into Ink’s face.

Ink, still chuckling, patted the arm holding him up, “Sans, Red old pal, just-“

A red glow surrounded Ink and he was tossed into a wall, keeping him pinned there.

“answer me!”

“Sans!” I picked myself up and ran to him, tackling him as I hugging him tightly, “You’re safe!”

Sans looked surprised with one of his eyes inflamed, but he quickly embraced me, nuzzles the side of my head. “y/n! ah, it’s great to hold ya again.”

“Aww.” Ink cooed, still pinned to the wall.

Sans and I broke apart to glare at him, with Sans’s magic flaring to pushing him harder into the wall, cracking the drywall.

For once, I couldn’t care less about all the money it was going to cost to fix shit; I wanted blood!

Ink appeared unfazed by the pressure as he gave Sans a condescending smile, “Really? You think this is working, like, on any level?”

Sans continued to hold him there for a moment, before the magic vanished from his eyes and Ink glided gently to the ground with grace, his scarf flapping softly in a non-existent breeze.

Ink finished brushing himself off and looked back up at us, seeing Sans had a hand around my waist and me with an arm on his shoulders.

“Well, would you look at that? I guess you’re farther along than the Creator thought.”

“get out.” Sans growled, his grip tightening on me.

“In a second,” He nodded towards me, “Y/n, and when I say Y/n, I really mean the Readers, has a few questions.”

Sans looked over at me, his gaze searching.

I took my arm from him and steps back, rubbing the back of my head, “How the hell did you get out?? The control panel was destroyed?”

Sans shrugged, “people in games give up way too easy when they meet a dead end.”

“So…?”

“so, I bashed a window open and jumped out.”

“So you cheated.” I looked over to Ink, who shrugged.

“Eh, I’m fine with this, strangely enough.”

“what did he do to you?” Sans asked, looking me over, “I heard you screamin’ and that’s what made me toss a chair throw a window.”

I looked back to the screen, seeing the words ‘Level pass!’ over a broken security window with a smashed chair off in the distance.

“Ink-fucker here thought it would be funny to place a spider on my arm in the dark.” I finished glaring at the asshole to look back at Sans, “I’m fine, I think. I-I’m sure it was just a stupid prank.”

Sans’s shoulders relaxed and he let loose a long sigh of relief, “thank fuck for that.”

“What about you? How did you get physically out? Where’s Papyrus?”

“boss was asleep when i come back into my body. my ‘growin’-up’ knocked him off the couch he had been sleeping on, but he didn’t wake up.” He glared at Ink, “think shit-dick here put him in an enchanted sleep of some shit.”

Ink waved him off, “Oh, he’ll be fine. I just didn’t want to bring him back in this close to this chapter’s climax. A lot of hassle and it keeps the ending from being so nice and tidy.”

“i really don’t care what your reasons are,” Sans said, taking a step towards him, “i want you out of this apartment buildin’ and never to come back!”

“Don’t worry, my time’s nearly up, see?” He pointed to the ink pool in the middle of my room.

Or rather, he pointed to the place where the ink puddle use to be.

“Where is it?” I asked, struggling to see in the dark.

The lights came on without anyone hitting the switch, allowing me to see the speck that the ink was now.

“I thought you said you’d be gone in twenty-four hours, or were you full of shit about that too?”

Ink stood a little taller, “I never lie, if I can help it. I said I’d be gone in twenty-four READER hours. That translates into different word lengths for different stories, but I assure you, your Creator’s been typing up this story straight for close to twenty-four hours now.”

“Does anything you say ever make sense to anyone?”

Ink chuckled, before looking back at Sans, “Welp, Red, Y/n, this has been fun. You won’t remember any of this, but I hope that I get to talk and interact with you again! I’m really looking forward to how far along the story you’ll be then and what new ideas the Readers will come up next year!”

Then he popped out of existence, in a black cloud of ink splatters that evaporated before they hit the ground.

I moved over to the ink spot on the floor, seeing in slowly disappearing back into non-existence.

“hey y/n?”

I turned around to see Sans a lot closer to me, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. Taking off his jacket and casting it aside (leaving him completely naked), he strolled towards me with a predatory grin.

“You were saying somethin’ about not being able to see my ‘micro’ penis?”

 

Next chapter is called: Finding my shame


	18. Finding my shame

“i still can’t believe you’d go with boss for a second run, tits.”

I rolled my eyes on the Saturday after my second run with Papyrus, which had only been able to happen after a full week of recovery. I swear, if I never have to drink SeaTea ever again, I will die a fucking happy person.

When we went for a run this time, I tried taking my time, but Papyrus had this amazing ability to ….. just want you to do your best (even without the threat of death or violence). You know, once he turned the expectancy way the fuck down. In the end, it was a really strange mixture of wounded pride and enjoyment that had me actually looking forward to next time.

Or, maybe it was the bribery of going to an awesome pastry store afterwards that was owned and run by a spider monster and him paying for my bear claw that had me looking forward to next Saturday. What can I say; I’m a pastry slut.

Sans was sitting back on my couch after I let him in, now that I was done with my run with Papyrus. He had interrupted me taking a breather as I sat on my computer and reading a new update I had been looking forward to, so I left the fucker sit there while I sprayed myself with some deodorant and washed my face.

That didn’t stop us from talking to each other as we yelled from opposite ends of the apartment.

“You should try it Sans; your brother had some very snarky, bitchy comments that are super funny. Did you know he could be quite sassy?”

“i don’t think i’ve ever heard anyone describe boss’s comments as ‘sassy’ before.” he said, sounding distracted.

I left the bathroom and continued talking to him as I made my way into the kitchen for a couple of cans. “I have never known a guy to be so bitchy. It’s awesome! I actually picked up a couple of some good insults that I plan to use in my head the next time Bitch Boss comes and visits me.”

I came back to the living room and handed Sans a can. He took it without looking me as he was too engrossed in something on his phone.

“at least you remembered to bring yer keys this time……and underwear.” He said, looking up to grin at me at the last part.

I flipped him off and cracked my can open, sitting on the other end of the couch. “I already had to deal with your smartarse comments and your brother ‘care’ for the full two hours it took the fucking landlord to waddle his way to my apartment to unlock the door, I’m not doing it again.”

“we should think about exchangin’ keys.” He went back to his phone with an even bigger grin, “you know, since we’re such good neighbours and all.”

I scoffed, grinning, “The fucking best. Your brother has only tried killing me twice and you were stalking me for a couple of weeks there.”

“what can i say; you’ve become someone I greatly care for.”

I chocked on my drink, hacking away as I stared at him to see him sitting back, one arm up on the backrest we were sharing, looking fucking sincere and shit!

Blushing heavily, I looked away, “Th-thank you?”

Where the fuck had that fucking come from??

I felt the seat cushion next to me move as Sans’s voice got even closer. “i plan to always be your side, if you’ll have me.”

I looked over in time to see him place his hand on the armrest next to me, hovering over me as I clutched my can to my chest.

“San-Sans??”

He caressed one of my blushing cheeks as the other hand took away my can and placed it fucking somewhere, looking at me intently as his glowing red eyes softened.

“i’ll go to hell and back with you, but then, we’ve already done that multiple times, haven’t we? commander?”

“……………………………………………….Commander?”

His eyes brightened as he grinned at my question. Next thing, he was pulling out his phone back out and reading from it.

“shepard could only stare as garrus trapped her between the wall and his armoured body. this confrontation had been long overdue and expected, but that didn’t mean her heart wasn’t pounding in her chest at his mere presence or hearing his duel-vocal cords with his deep, rumbling voice so close to her didn’t send thrills throughout her entire body.”

“OH GOD!!”

I crumpled, burying my red face in my hands as I rolled over from the centre of all smugness. I don’t know how or why the smug fucker was reading what had to be Mass Effect fanfic, but I wanted to die! Right now! Bring on Papyrus’s lasagne; I was fucking done with life! It was even lines from the chapter I had just been reading! Somehow, he knew that was exactly what I had been reading before he had showed up; there was just no fucking way this was a coincidence!

The pain wasn’t ending any time soon as Sans draped himself on my side, leaning over to talk right next to my ear. “dual-vocal cords huh? what, something like this?”

His next words somehow managed to have the same fucking effect as Garrus had in the fucking game! “you know, i distinctly remember you saying you have a thing for my voice. maybe you like it even more like this?”

“You fuck face!” I yelled at him, now a blushing ball of a person on the couch.

He chuckled and fuck it all if I didn’t just shudder at that chuckle! “but shepard, it’s not nice to say something like that to your best friend/ fuck buddy/ the guy who calibrates fucking everything.”

I pushed him away from me, turning and landing on top of him on the other end of the couch in one move. While I was so flustered and an embarrassed, angry mess, Sans was the smug bastard waggling his eyebrows under me.

“How did you know I read Mass Effect fanfic?!?” I yelled at him, shaking him via his jacket and completely forgetting to play the denial card first.

He held up his phone, “your wi-fi-“

“Drop the fucking duel-cords!”

“why? does it bother you?” He sat up, inches from my face. “does it send a thrill throughout your body…y/n?”

I shuddered involuntarily and sat up, unable to even look at him in the fucking face. My life, was fucking over; it was even worse than that time I got drunk and confessed sexy voice.

Still, I wanted a fucking answer to why I was in this position in the first place, but before I could yell at him, Sans was patting my knee and sitting up.

“i had some stuff i wanted to look up,” he said back in his regular-yet-still-appealing-so-fuck-him-voice, “and thought i’d borrow your wi-fi for a sec.”

“You can not read my history just because you’re on the same wi-fi, dick!”

“yeah, you can, actually.”

“…….Really?”

He nodded, “and getting in wasn’t that hard. why don’t you have a two-tier password system at least?”

“A what?” I looked at him closely, “Are you some sort of tech person?”

He shrugged, now the one to refuse to meet the other’s eyes, “i’ve been known to dabble a bit here and there.”

“…..I bet it’s way more impressive than you’re making it sound.”

He shrugged again, leaning forward to grab his can from the table before settling back. I grabbed my can too, sure that he wasn’t telling me everything……..and also sure that I could never use the internet ever again.

Not if Sans turned out to be a super hacker I suspected he was now.

I was glaring moodily at my can when he spoke up again. “i wasn’t snooping, y/n.”

I looked over to see him watching me carefully. “that story, that was just the first thing that popped up once i was in yer wi-fi.”

I laughed bitterly, looking away, “Sure Sans. Fucking sure.”

“look, it’s not hard to put some basic encoding shit that won’t interfere with how you already run your computer. i’ll even set it up for ya if you want.”

“……How can I trust you?” I turned to face him, “Look, don’t get me wrong, I strangely trust you enough that I don’t fear you’ll steal my identity or hack into my bank accounts, but what’s stopping you from getting dirty on me and pranking me like you just did whenever you fucking feel like it? How am I suppose to use my own internet with any degree of confidence when I’m all but certain you can hack anything you’d suggest…..especially since I’ll have nothing but your suggestions on what I need to do to keep others out?”

Sans didn’t move or look away as I was searching for an answer that wouldn’t be there. That is, until he suddenly had his hand in his pocket and was fetching out his keys. I watched him as he took one of the shinner, newer looking ones off his key ring and handed it to me, holding my hand to place the key onto my palm.

“What’s this?”

“……key to our apartment.”

I looked away from the key, up to him, “Sans, do you really think this makes up for the internet thing?”

“right, so some monster history.”

He sat back, looking into space and apparently lost in his thoughts, “when monsters were trapped underground, we regularly killed each other. sometimes it was revenge for other killings, sometimes it was acts of desperation or, fuck, sometimes it was just vindictive fun. point is, trust for us monsters is rare for obviously, deadly reasons. you trust the wrong monster, and you’d be dusted….and sometimes, not just you, but yer whole family. our homes were as about to a safe place as yer can get, and even then, you learned to sleep light or risk not hearing an intruder in your house.”

He turned and nodded at the key in my hand, “keys to our homes were only giving to people who could hold you up by a blade to the neck and you’d still trust wouldn’t kill you.”

“Did you really think I was going to kill you because of this Sans?”

He leaned in towards me, his expression dark. “don’t make light of this y/n; i fucking trust ya….and not just with my life, understand?”

I stared at him for a while, before looked to the key in my hand, thinking.

So, I already knew that monsters had it tough…..but it was something else to hear just how tough they had it. In such an environment, it was easy to see how you’d feel safer killing strangers than risking you or your family. I bet meeting new people was always coupled with the paranoia of thinking the other person was just trying to get close to you to kill you in your sleep or something.

For Sans to offer this…he was right; this gesture wasn’t nothing.

“Is this just because you fucked up with the internet thing?” I asked, looking up at him, “Because the last thing I want is a token of trust if you don’t fully trust me yet.”

He beamed as he settled back on the couch, “i wouldn’t give ya a key like that if i didn’t fully trust ya.” His expression fell, “even if i am really sorry that i didn’t think through what pulling my little stunt would mean for you and our trust.”

I punched him in the arm, grinning as he had the nerve to look shocked.

“Thanks for the key and trust and all, Dick, but this doesn’t change the fact you’ve got even more dirt you can use to tease the living shit out of me.”

“why, because of the ‘duel-vocal cords’ thing?” He asked, rubbing his arm.

“That, and the whole ‘fanfic reader’ thing.” I admitted with a blush.

Specifically, a trashy romance about fictional characters I was way too invested in. Fuck, just thinking about the fact that he now knew was enough to make me fucking blush in embarrassment! It wouldn’t be the first time someone had given me crap when they found out.

He shrugged, turning to face me, “why the fuck would i care what you read?”

That caught me off guard for a moment. “……Be-because it’s embarrassing?”

“to who?”

“To-to me?”

“yeah, well, you shouldn’t care what other people think, tits.” Something seemed to occur to him, because he was looking at me rather strange, “wait, do ya care what other people thinking? since fucking when??”

“Since fucking forever!” I folded my arms and looked quickly away, “Sorry if that makes me seem petty and shit.”

I liked to pretend that other people could take their opinions and shove it (and it wasn’t hard to act like that was true for the most part) but, ……there was always that desire to be accepted on some level.

I-I got tired of always being alone and singled out. Of having no one to share my interests with.

“…….it’s not petty to want to find someone you share common ground with y/n.”

I peered over my shoulder to look at him as he rubbed the back of his skull awkwardly

“and i ain’t gonna give you shit about something you like.”

“…..Then what was with the whole reading fanfic out loud to me?”

He seemed to brighten now that I was actually looking at him again, “i mostly thought i could give you shit because i saw this garrus guy had a ‘sexy voice’.” He nudged me, “reminded me of a certain someone’s opinion about a certain someone else?”

“Have I told you how much you’re being a dick today?” I asked, turning to face him again with a smile.

“you may have used the word once or twice since we first met.”

 

Next chapter is called: Bloody Hell


	19. Bloody Hell

_(Author’s note- This chapter mentions the reader on her period. A bit gross, I know, but I wanted to_ _focus more on pheromones, scent and how monsters react to that side of things. I don’t plan to be explicit or to go into too many details on the female side of things. Feel free to skip this chapter if this doesn’t sound like your thing.)_

 

I stared moodily at Matt but not really seeing him as he sat on the opposite side of the table in the café he still owned. It was the first of Saturday of the month, so beyond us meeting here yet again in the same café, the same spot by the window, it also meant that ‘special’ time for my ovaries was here again and I was starting to feel the painkillers wearing off.

I swear, if I get to come back as anything, I’m coming back as a guy.

Cause fuck this pain!

“Y/n?”

I focused my attention back to Matt as he watched me over his cup of coffee.

“Yes?”

He chuckled, “You just finished gushing over some video game coming out soon and were in the middle of lying to me about how nothing’s else is new beyond that, even if I can see you’re in a somewhat happier mood since last month? Happier, I should say, beyond what I’ve come to expect when there’s a new game or whatever.”

I dropped my eyes to the table as I swirled the drink I ordered in one hand, thinking about everything that had changed in just a short month.

“Well, I wouldn’t say I was lying…“

He waved a hand at me to continue.

I sat back with a huff, “Okay, so you know about that guy I’ve been talking to online?”

“The one who turned out to be a monster?”

I nodded, rubbing the back of my head, “Turns out he’s my neighbour.”

Matt chocked on his coffee, “Sk-Skeletor??”

“No, not him. His brother.”

“Skeletor has a brother??”

“A-yep.”

Matt chuckled, “Wow! And how did you find out? Wait, does he know?”

I sighed heavily, “He does. Fucker found out first and, well, let’s say ‘Dick’ was the perfect name for him.”

“Huh…then what’s with that smile?”

I reached up to feel my lips, feeling the slight upturn there.

Quickly, I pulled my hand away and the grimace returned, “I didn’t say it was all bad, only that he was a dick.”

Matt chuckled, “And judging by the endearing name, I take it you still like the guy?”

“You could try a little less with entrapping me there Matt.” I said, feeling my cheeks blush with shame, “We’re just friends you, shipping queen. What’s surprising is that we’re still friends. I-I would have thought sure he’d run away screaming if he actually met me in person.”

“Nah,” Matt grinned, waving a hand towards me as he sat back, “You’re not that ugly.”

“Well, fuck you too buddy.”

We chuckled together, feeling completely at home insulting each other.

After a while, he sighed and looked over at me, thoughtful, “I will say that you do look happier, so obviously you must have fun hanging out with the guy.”

“And his brother.” I agreed, before sitting up a little straighter, “Oh man, let me tell you about our Death Marches!”

~*~

It was after midday later that same day when I made my out of the elevator onto my floor.

Only to meet Sans and Papyrus there, waiting for the elevator themselves.

“Oh!” I grinned, stepping quickly through them to get out of the way, “Hello neighbours. Going out to do the weekend shopping?”

Sans and Papyrus were just staring at me, both giving me a weird look.

“What?” I asked, looking myself over. Knowing my luck, I probably had toilet paper stuck to my shoe or something.

Papyrus shock his head before turning and marching into the elevator. “YES, WE’RE GOING TO THE SHOPS.” He kept his hand on the elevator’s door, keeping it from shutting. “SANS! ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP ME WAITING?”

Sans kept his eyes locked on me as he said over his shoulder to his brother, “yeah nah. gonna stay here after all.”

“WHATEVER!” Papyrus snapped, pulling his hand away to fold his arms, scowl firm in place. He was still glaring at me when the elevator door closed.

“What the hell did I do?” I asked, looking to Sans for an answer, “I already explained to him why I couldn’t jog today. He wasn’t this upset this morning.”

He shrugged, “dunno. so, what have you been up to today then?”

I shrugged and turned to open my door, “Met up with an old friend, hung out. Nothing that exciting.”

I was more than a little surprised to see Sans at my shoulder as I swung open my door.

“What are you doing?”

He grinned, taking a step back, “since boss is gone, i figured i’d hang out at your place for the next few hours.”

“Do I get a say in this?”

“yeah, so what are ya gonna say?”

His smug grin of confidence didn’t help my already irritable mood.

Sighing, I rolled my eyes as I walked into my apartment, leaving the door open behind me as I kicked off my shoes. “Alright Dickhead. Just make sure you close the door behind you or I’ll shove something unloving up your ass.”

Sans waltz into the apartment with a chuckle, closing the door behind him. However, rather than go to the couch like he normally did, he stuck to me as I made my way to the kitchen. Already irritated, I kept my mouth shut as I grabbed a can for both of us, before heading for the cardboard where I kept my drugs. Taking out two more painkillers pills, I swallowed them before washing them down as Sans watched me, holding his own can.

“tough day?”

I grunted, “Try a rough couple of days with more to come.”

He looked thoughtful for a moment, before he asked, “hey, you change any of your perfumes, bath things or whatnot recently?”

“No? Why?” I glared at him, “You trying to tell me that I smell?”

He ignored my question to walk over and lean on the bench right next to me. I gave him an irked glare. All that did was make him bend over as he laughed at me.

“I don’t have to put up with this shit.” I growled, leaving the kitchen.

Suddenly, I was stopped by a bony hug around my middle.

“aww, don’t be mad.” Sans cooed, rubbing his face into my shoulder.

“S-Sans??” I cried out, my back automatically straighten.

“mmm?”

“Since when the fuck are you a hugger??”

“i’m not.” He mumbled, nuzzling me more.

“What the fuck do you call this?!?”

He sighed and dropped his arms, “well, if you’re going to react like this then.”

He walked around me and headed for the couch, dumping himself at the far end.

“Well excuse me if I don’t take well to being hugged for no reason out of the fucking blue.” I growled as I blushed with embarrassment and flustering, dumping myself in the armchair before curling in my legs and refusing to look at him.

I was not what you would call a ‘touchy-feely’ person; I could hug people (if forced to) just fine and get hugged in return, but I would never understand the people who just hugged strangers as a form of greeting instead of doing something normal like a handshake (or, you know, just saying fucking hi?). Getting hugged by anyone than a family member always felt super weird and unnatural to me, and would leave me more than a little confused about exactly what was happening and why.

Plus, having him hug me like that?....... Yeah, that felt really, REALLY uncomfortable. Now I got the joy of sitting here, feeling my heart going at a million miles per hours, my cheeks flustered and feeling like a bastard for snapping at Sans like I did, all of it making my already irritable mood darker.

Eventually, I heard Sans chuckle, which drew my attention back to him and my uncomfortable feelings.

“you humans are so weird.” He said, eyeing me.

“And you monsters are normal?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow back at him, “I mean, how many different forms can you monsters come in and still be considered the same race?”

He shrugged, “meanwhile, you humans have all that fleshy stuff going on for you, constantly changin' just when you think you’ve got a handle on it. not to mention how that it all requires just the right balance of care, otherwise things start going wrong in so many different ways for you.”

“Doesn’t it work like that for you?” I asked, sitting up with interest. “Don’t you have to worry about diet, doing exercise and other shit?

I was very much thinking about his brother when I said that. If I found out that Papyrus did all of that when he didn’t need to, I would have some serious concerns and questions to ask him.

Start and ending with WTF??

He chuckled again before looking over at me smugly, “ah, i can’t believe i’ve forgotten how curious you humans can be.”

“Excuse me if I think you monsters are fascinating. What, with your cool magic and enigma of an existence and all.”

He smiled softly as he looked away, looking pleased, “you think we monsters are fascinatin'?”

I smiled now, feeling some of my irritation leaving, “Of course! Haven’t I been saying that since we started talking online? I’m sure I’ve mentioned that I find magic super cool and interesting at least a few times now.”

His smile wasn’t going away anytime soon as he grinned over at my direction, “so why not read a few books or search for answers online?”

I scoffed, “Beyond not knowing what can and can’t be believed online, there’s only so much you can glean from books.”

“like what?” He asked, taking a drink.

I sat back and thought about it. “Don’t you need to exercise and eat right? Because, if you don’t, someone really needs to tell Papyrus.”

Sans laughed, “i reckon that, even if we didn’t need to train and eat right, my bro would still be doing all that shit.”

“So you don’t need to train? To get….better?”

He gave me an almost condescending look, “our bodies, like our magic, needs to be exercised and practised with in order to get better. we’re not that different, tits.”

“Hey, you were the one to make it sound like you don’t need to exercise or diet.” I thought about it, “How does your magic work then? Like, is it this thing in your body where, if you run out, you need to take a breather and let it fill up again?”

He sighed heavily, rubbing his skull, before pushing himself closer to me so that he sat on the other end of the couch instead. “right, so broadly speakin', monster bodies are made up of our magic. we don’t ‘run out’, we die if we ever push ourselves that far.”

That sobered the mood.

“Esh.”

Sans chuckled, sitting back, “yeah, that’s one way of saying it.”

“Still, it’s not like we humans are that different,” I pointed out. “As you said, if we don’t get the right amount of water or food, we die too.”

“yeah, but the difference is that yer souls aren’t producin' all that magic keepin' you alive and your body moving.”

“How does that change anything?”

Sans glanced over at me and, it was in that single moment, I think we saw each other as truly different species. At least, I got the feeling that, if I had been a monster, I wouldn’t have asked such a question. We didn’t just look different from each other or come from different backgrounds; we were fundamentally different with how we both experienced the world.

We were different, something other to each other.

Something Alien.

Sans struggled to find the words to explain as he rubbed his skull, lost in his thoughts, “…our magic isn’t just somethin' separate from our bodies and our souls; it’s all linked.” He placed a hand to his chest, staring at the coffee table, “whatever happens to our bodies, affects our magic and our souls. so, let’s say our body gets hurt, our soul and magic also… gets hurt too.”

I looked at him, confused, “So, when I shake your hand, I’m shaking your soul?”

He smiled, looking back at me, “in a manner of speaking.”

“That’s so fucking weird.” I quickly facepalmed, “Wait! I didn’t mean to insult you or anything! It’s just, a handshake is just a handshake for humans, and now I’m thinking about all the monster hands’ I’ve shaken without realising I was grabbing their souls and OH MY GOD!!”

I don’t remember curling into a ball as I babbled myself into a deeper hole. To be honest, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have noticed anything if Sans hadn’t shaken me.

“tits! relax, will ya? it doesn’t work quite like that.”

I peeked through my fingers to see Sans’s face very close to mine. “it doesn’t??”

He shook his head and moved back, sitting on the coffee table in front of me, “it’s not that personal. i mean, it is but it isn’t-“ He stopped himself and tried again, “look, if we monsters couldn’t handle getting our hands shaken without it really affectin' us, we’d be the most antisocial creature ever….well, more so.”

“…..I don’t get it.”

“what i’m trying to say is that it’s in monster culture to be more open and honest with your feelings because it’s really hard to lie with your body when it’s directly linked to your soul’s magic. i mean, you can be indifferent and downplay things, i guess, but good luck trying to project a ‘friendly’ vibe if all you’re thinking about is revenge or some shit. s’guess that’s why we don’t shake hands that often; ya can get a stronger read off the other guy if you’ve got direct contact with his magic. the better you are at readin' magic…vibes, for a lack of a better word, the better yer are at knowin' what he’s really thinking.”

“How good are you at reading people?” I asked.

He shrugged, “i’d say i’m pretty decent at it.”

“…….Is that why you trust me, Sans?” I looked at my hands, and was rather surprised to see them in his, his thumbs rubbing the back of my hands in soothing circles, “Are you getting some sort of a read off me now?”

“…….i’m not getting much off ya, y/n.”

Something about his slightly subdue tone made me quickly look back at him to see he was still staring at our hands.

“you humans? with your souls covered and protected by all that fleshiness (I couldn’t help but scoff at that) makes readin' ya harder to do. gotta have yer soul out or a lot of magic pumpin' through ya for any monster ter have any hope of getting a read off ya.”

“But that’s a good thing, right? I mean, it means you’re not so exposed to some stranger you’ve just met, right?”

……Did I really just say that with a straight face in a serious conversation?

What even was my life any more?

His eyes slowly met mine, searching, “i guess so….but it also means i’ll never really know…-“

He looked away again, “it’s-…that connection? reading ya and having ya read me back? that’s fairly integral to monster relationships. even me and boss have it. keeps us aware how the other one’s doing and other little things that are…comfortin' to know.” He shrugged, keeping his eyes away from me, “i guess it means i’ll miss out of that connection with ya, s’all.”

There was an awkward pause.

“Dose-does it work the other way?”

When he looked at me confused, I explained, “I mean, I’ve got a soul. Even without magic, I should be able to hear something from you, right?”

“you’ve got magic.” He corrected.

“I-………..what did you say?”

He sighed, and it seemed the bags under his eyes got deeper as the hands holding mine tightened slightly, “most of you humans have magic; the difference is how much yer have and whether or not you can be trained up to use it.”

“………….A-are you saying that I’m a wizard?”

He chuckled and his hands loosened their grip, “yer have the potential to be a mage, if you could find a monster willin' to teach ya, and if you could handle years and years of soul-breaking trainin'. even if you did all that shit, you’d never be as good as most monsters.”

…..Really? That had to be bullshit, because-

“I don’t want to go there, but weren’t you monsters locked away by just seven mages?”

Sans nodded his head, “yeah. seven mages who sacrificed their souls to power their rather weak spell.”

That didn’t help with the confusion. “Weak?”

“the spell itself was fairly basic, but effective, i guess, but what really stopped us was them souls.” He looked up into my eyes, “you humans have remarkably tough, adaptive souls. makes trying to overpower that hard to do. impossible, really. it took havin' seven humans souls and all of us monsters to break the barrier.”

“What makes our souls so special then?”

He shrugged, “who knows. all i know is that you have the stronger, more durable soul. maybe it’s got somethin' to do with how you humans are. i mean, i give ya crap, but you can heal naturally with nothing but your cells or whatever. us monsters need to get help or get stuck with a wound for the rest of our lives.”

I grinned at him, squeezing his hands playfully, “I’ve heard and experienced first hand how great that healing is. I wouldn’t be surprised if you could grow back limbs if you got to it quick enough.”

“sure, but it still requires you needin' outside help in some form. meanwhile, you humans can forget how you got a bruise, yet you get to see it slowly disappear with time as you just pull healin' out of fuckin' nothin’.” He grinned cheekily at me, “i stand by what i said; you humans are weird.”

“Is that healing thing all that odd?”

“it’s freaky enough, but you humans keep uppin' it, let me tell you.”

“Alright Mr Body-made-out-of-soul-magic, what else do you find odd about humans?”

He laughed, patting my hands briefly before letting them go to stand up, “sure. let me just insult ya and give ya a reason to toss me out of your apartment.”

“Oh come on, Sans!” I complained, watching him go back to the couch and reaching for the remote, “You can’t just leave it like that!”

“pretty sure i just did.” The cocky bastard said, picking some Netflix series I think we’d watched a few episodes of already.

Crossing my arms with a huff, I kicked my legs over the armrest and watched the show as the wooden beam of the other armrest began to irate me.

For like a minute.

Then I was airlifted by red magic and dumped on the other end of the couch.

“What the-?!”

“can’t have ya sulkin' all day if you're going to be uncomfortable.” He said, grinning over at my irritable form as red magic left his eye.

“I wasn’t uncomfortable.” I said, stubbornly, still in my huff.

He chuckled, “sure you weren’t.”

We watched the episode for a few more minutes before I had to ask again, “Will you just tell me? I swear on anything, I won’t get mad or insulted.”

He seemed like he wasn’t going to answer me as he continued to watch the show, before he eventually replied, “…it’s the fact you’re so….biological.”

I stared at the side of his head as he kept watching the show, “What?”

Sans shook his head, still watching the show, “yer biological creatures and we’re magical. you think your body could handle havin' a surge of magic just being dumped on ya?”

“No?”

“exactly.”

“Exactly what?”

He turned and winked at me, “exactly what I said.”

I gave him a deadpan look, “You had better clarify in the next five seconds, or I’ll toss ya from this couch.”

He pushed himself away from the other end’s armrest and grabbed a pillow, before tossing the pillow at my side, resting his head on it and on me.

“you wouldn’t toss out a guest now, would you? not when you just said you wouldn’t be insulted or mad?”

“That doesn’t include laying on me, Sans!”

He shrugged, settling in, “but i answered your questions and everythin'.”

“More like you side-stepped my questions!”

When I saw that he had no plans to move, I threw my head back with a long sigh and just gave up. This wasn’t worth fighting over and I just wasn’t in the mood for any more of this bullshit. At least the painkillers had kicked in, so maybe that’s why I was more willing to let him win this.

Besides, this conversation and situation had given me more than enough things to think about as we both continued to watch whatever was playing.

Like, was Sans actually purring????

 

Next chapter is called: Say please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! New Update and I'm still doing in role rping on my Discord server as any and every character I've got across all my stories, so if you wanted to know what some skeleton would say or respond to whatever action or thing you might say to them, hit me up using the @Rnd_Injustice thing (check out the rules if you need help) and I honestly shouldn't be more than a day or two responding.
> 
> Answering these is super fun for me, helps me flesh out all of these guys and makes me feel like the Discord actually serves a purpose. Beyond that, it's a free for all and open to everyone, so pop in (if you're so inclined)

**Author's Note:**

> I'll update at least once a month, the first Saturday. Enjoy =)  
> Check me out on my Discord Server for in character, Role Playing (rp) responses as any and every character I've got across all my stories, so if you wanted to know what some skeleton would say or respond to whatever action or thing you might say to them, hit me up using the @Rnd_Injustice thing (check out the rules if you need help) and I honestly shouldn't be more than a day or two responding.
> 
> My Discord Server= https://discord.gg/cg4p4ps  
> My tumblr account = https://rnd-injustice.tumblr.com  
> Please, ask me any questions and just have fun guys!


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